Oy on the day right now

Hi -

I feel rushed, incredibly so. Like I'm racing against the clock. This could be entirely dependent on the fact that its 11:50am and I have to leave my office at 4 to head to the airport for my flight to SF - not a huge deal. But here are the things I NEED to do before I leave:
- Get my eyebrows waxed
- Pick up my dress from the dry cleaners to wear to the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night - but it won't be ready before 3pm.
- buy some knee socks/dress socks or whatever to wear under my boots that go with the dress that I need to pick up from the dry cleaner
- Make sure all the Breast Cancer Awareness items are live on the Ellen Shop by 4pm
- send links to everyone at the Ellen Show that will need to tout the products
- Make 2 DVD's live on the Adult Swim Shop before I leave - but first I need to get all the graphics and information from Adult Swim themselves.
- attend a hour long video conference at 2:30
- eat lunch

I think those are the things that I HAVE to get done before I leave, everything else on my work to-do list can wait a bit.

However, let me tell you this part that pretty much affects everything - its POURING outside. And is supposed to keep pouring so that's definitely going to affect my flight I'm sure.

Also - I broke a mirror this morning - what do you think that means? Oh and blew out a light bulb 30 minutes before said mirror incident.

Alright I'm going to go chip away at my to do, or what I can of it anyway. Most of the things are dependent on other people getting me assets. oh well.

Love you forever, miss you always. I'll write you something real nice and long on the plane.
Rachel

My ability to crack myself up is astounding.

Hi-yo-

Today was a really interesting today. I cracked myself up ALL day long, totally did.  Ila and Todd got back from their world wind tour yesterday and today Ila uploaded some amazing pictures to Facebook, I’m sure you can see them where you are. All I could hear in my head when I saw them was the opening credits to ‘The Lion King.’ So I YouTubed the opening and took screen shots of the animals and then made my own ‘African Safari’ album. I giggled through the entire thing. It felt good.  Really, good for a minute.

Then of course reality came crashing in on me.

I went home tonight and caught up on my DVR, surprise surprise I know. First pick was Grey’s Anatomy. When we last left the lovely residents of Seattle Grace they had just had their lovely lives destroyed by none other than Ron Butterfield, head of Secret Service for former president Jed Barlett. Anyway, so the residents all have to go through a therapist in order to be allowed back into the OR. Well Derrick Sheppard, Mr. Hunk-extraordinaire, talks to the therapist about how maybe the shooting changed his life for the better.  And of course because it’s his monologue everyone listens up and pays attention. He’s saying that while it’s the worst event in the fictitious world of Seattle Grace, and he in no way wants to have it happen again or live through it again the outcomes have not been so bad. That he is seeing his life in a whole new way now.

Well I’m confused. You being gone is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and hopefully will ever happen to me. And not just me, everyone we know. But in the last month I’ve done more for myself and been more proactive about my life then I have in the past 4 years. I’ve been more honest and truthful with myself and others than ever before. I’m making changes in my life that I’ve wanted to for a while now. Why is it that this had to happen for me to take a good look at myself? Why does it take life-changing events for a person to look at themselves? Why was I not strong enough before with you in my life to change the things I needed to change? Why when you were in my life was I not full of courage? If anyone had asked me 2 months ago if I was strong person, I would have said the strongest.

Well, who’s surprised now?

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Next to Normal

Hi -

So this was one of the best musicals I've ever seen - Next to Normal. And i've wanted to see it again and again and again. Now, its probably the last thing I want to see, but its haunting me. It just won the Pulitzer Prize, which apparenlty never happens for musicals so there is a commerical that plays over and over and over again on TV. And then it gets stuck in my head. I guess its better than when I had the 'Big Apple Circus' song stuck in my head.

Its just so uplifiting, and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside - NOT.

"It only hurts when I breathe
It only hurts when I try.
It only hurts when I think.
It only hurts when I cry.
It only hurts when I work
It only hurts when I play
It only hurts when I move.
It only hurts when I say
It's just another day"

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

Fine, shine, mine, design, line, pine, nine...

Hi –

Do you think people believe me when I say ‘I’m fine?’ Yeah, I didn’t think so either. Maybe I'll just say words that rhyme with fine when people ask me from now on. I think I'm going to try that. I'll let you know how it goes.

So I tried to cry today. Try’s not exactly the right word. What happened was I got an amazing card in the mail that was so perfect not only because it said the right things, but because it was completely perfect for my relationship with the person who sent it. So as I was reading it I started to get choked up. And I thought, I’m alone in my room I’m going to go with this and just let it out, but nothing came out. There were a couple tears and then nothing. For once in my life I’m not the crier. If I was watching the last month and a half of my life played out as a lifetime movie I would be bawling.  I would be crying so loudly that I’m sure Honey would come check on me, and then roll her eyes at my ridiculousness. But the real me, the one who is experiencing the things has got nothing to shed. Its like my tear ducts are sitting next to the Sahara Dessert and I was able to squeeze some tears out in the beginning but now nothing.

Everything you read about coping with grief says that crying actually really helps, because it’s an outward expression of what you are going through. Well genius’ what about those who can’t cry? What should I do now?

And now – onto another guest blog. Here is the card I received in the mail. It’s so perfect I wanted to share it with you. If said person would prefer I take it out, I have no doubt they will let me know.

Also, along with the card I received what is arguably the BEST mini-first aid kit EVER. The band aid it so awesome. I half-way want to hurt myself just so I can use one of them, and half want to keep them forever.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

Winne the Pooh says, “There is something you must always remember; you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” And Piglet says, “It is hard to be brave, when you’re only a very small animal.” But then Pooh walks with Piglet and holds her hand, and sometimes says comforting things and before they know it they’ve made it through the day and they’ve stood up bravely to life and heffalumps and are stronger for it. 

I have no idea of the grief and pain you are feeling right now. But I love you so much and I am…broken, aching for you.  And I am standing next to you every single day. In thought, in prayer, and in any way you or I can think of to support, sustain, and shore up and protect you and your big heart and your little body, and incredibly life you have ahead of you. Sometimes you’re the Pooh, and sometimes I am. Today I’m Pooh and I love you so much. 

Way to go 'Brothers & Sisters' way to go

Hi -

So, I sat down to what I thought was going to be a nice relaxing, completely mind numbing 2 hrs of TV tonight with Rab. It wasn't. Desperate was definitely mind numbing, 'Brothers & Sisters' though - that came out of left field for sure.

I'm not sure why I didn't see it coming seeing as how the show is about a matriarch and her family but whatever. The entire show from the very beginning to the closing credits (minus the scenes for next week) was a commentary on my life. Everything somehow related to exactly what I'm going through right now. If i could get a hold of the script for the episode I would, so I could show you. It was that close. It was practically sitting on my face for the entire hour and shoving itself down my throat. So, suffice it to say, going to sleep tonight I'm sure is going to be rather difficult.

And because I do love to torture myself, I'm going to go read some of 'Motherless, Daughters'.

Good night.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

All 2 year olds love a good pig roast.

Hi –

Not much new to report on the baby front – still nothing. I’m sure Matt and Lauren are beyond frustrated and full of anticipation, more so than I am.

Stella’s 2^nd birthday party was today. I’m sure you would have bought something for her off of one of her 2 registries. Then post party Rab would call you to tell you all about the days events. She’d probably tell you how we were still getting things done last minute, and how we were still plating food when the guests started to arrive. How I stepped up to the plate and helped out making a million and one chicken skewers. She’d also tell you how Stella was really good today even though she missed her nap. There were no temper tantrums, or meltdowns. She’d probably tell you other things about the day that I’m sure I never even noticed.

I was really good all day – until this one moment. A bunch of us were gathered around opening the presents. I had assumed my job as official present note taker.  Lizzie opened one of the cutest little dresses ever, one that was unexpected I suppose, because she made this cute little giggle noise and Rab mimicked it. They had their own super secret mother/daughter moment. A bet no one else in the room noticed it, except for me since I’m hyper aware of those things right now. And of course I then thought, well damn no more of those for me. Just a slap in the face moment I suppose. And I’m sure it’s the first of many.

I know I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it, it’s such a weird thing to have happen.  Mainly because it’s not like you can’t continue to go on living your life. I still have to get up every morning and live this new life I have. Some moments are way easier than others, and it’s not at the forefront of my mind. Its somewhere in the back hanging out, existing. Then other moments its right there dictating exactly how I am acting and reacting to things in that very moment.  Then of course when I’m having the good moments and not focused on it, and going about my business I’ll catch myself and stop. And I’ll think, stop, your not grieving. You’re not focusing on this thing. Then I’ll debate with myself and say, but isn’t that a good thing. Isn’t the fact that I just giggled a good thing? I mean I just genuinely whole-heartedly laughed out loud. That should be good right? Or is it too soon? And then of course whatever good moment, or chunk of good time I was having is over, because I’m completely focused on this inner debate I’m having and if I’m ‘reacting’ properly. When the shitty fact of the matter is there is no ‘right’ way to react. There is only what works for me. And I know that. I can say that. I can tell other people that, but I don’t believe it.

I’m some how, and for some really weird reason very concerned about how other people view my dealing. Which is retarded, really and honestly it is. Because all that matters is that I find a way to deal that works for me. And again I know this, I can say this, I can tell other people this, but I don’t believe it. Maybe one day.

I’m going to go and watch TV with Rab now.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

A Motherless Daughter - the title itself blows!

Hi -

More than one person has told me about this book 'Motherless, Daughters' so i went out and bought it. We shall see how it goes. It's all these interviews with hundreds of women who have also lost their mother, in all various stages of their lives. Should be interesting. I read the rather long introduction last night. It's all things I've said to myself already, or someone else has said to be already, but I guess there is something to reading and hearing them. Perhaps one day I will start to believe them for myself.

I guess there is also something to being a member of this ultra-exclusive club. To bad the thing that gets you into the club has to be the worst thing in the world to ever happen to you. So I'll read it and see how it goes.

I'm back at Rab's this weekend, and enjoying every minute of it. I really like being here. I had Stella all to myself today for 3 hrs, and of course when I say all to myself that includes Sara hanging out doing school work in the background. So I had her, and I fed her, and I played with her, and as soon as I was relieved of my duties I promptly fell asleep for 3 hours. Man she's exhausting. There's definitely something to that sleep when they sleep rule, otherwise your screwed.

It's also really quiet here, which I enjoy. Obviously my apartment is loud, and the city is loud. But i don't realize it while I am in it. But out here in Jersey there is nothing, except the noises of domestic suburbia. The house creaks in that comforting, i know every sound and have lived here for 20 years sort of a way. The stairs creak with the noise of other inhabitants and you know you're not alone. The wood floors make noise no matter how light you try and step. And of course the best noise is when the central air conditioning unit turns itself on and off because the temperature has gotten below 72 degrees. I love it all.

And now I'm going to help Rab make potatoes, because its dinner time and I love a starch.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

I can't escape it.

Hi -

I'm seriously, 100%, being stalked by this song. I hear it at a minimum of 5 times a day while I am at work. Usually I just hit next because it's too much, and to be honest i've heard better songs in my day, if only the lyrics weren't so spot on.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

People always say I have a laugh  
Like My Mother Does  
Guess that makes sense  
She taught me how to smile when things get rough  
 
I've got her spirit  
And she's always got my back  
When I look at her,  
I think I wanna be just like that!  
 
When I love, I give it all I got!  
Like my mother does
When I'm scared, I bow my head and pray!  
Like my mother does
When I feel weak, and un-pretty!  
I know I'm beautiful and strong!  
Because, I see my self
Like my mother does  
 
I never met a stranger,  
I can talk to anyone  
Like my mother does  
I let my temper fly  
But she can walk away, when she's had enough  
 
She sees everybody, for who they really are  
I'm so thankful for her guidance,  
She's helped me get this far  
   
She's a rock!  
She is grace!  
She's an angel!  
She's...  
My heart and soul!  
She does it all!  

I hear people saying... I'm starting to look
Like my mother does...  

Baby watch 2010 - still nothing.

Hey -

So, we are still on baby watch 2010 and we still have nothing. Or I'm assuming there is nothing to have yet since I have not received any sort of notification that things are happening. Lauren told me on Sunday or Monday that she felt it was going to happen late this week. Now, what exactly Kalel feels is late this week I'm not sure. Who knows if the kid runs on a Monday-Sunday week, in which case we could be looking at Saturday or Sunday. Or if hes more of a Saturday-Sunday kind of kid. In which case, we are in the midst of the end of the week right now. I guess there is nothing to do but wait and see now. I'm sure he will let Lauren know as soon as he's ready to go.

That being said, I wasn't sure if you got Facebook where ever you are, so I'm going to attempt to attach some photographs to this entry right now. My feeling is that Lauren put the pics on Facebook so she's OK with the world seeing them. And if shes not I have a feeling she will tell me, and I will gladly take them down.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Lauren's Ready, Kalel not yet.

The Bassinet - AKA Kalel's first bed!



The Crib!



Changing Table and AWESOME diaper bag.



Room Decorations and the big 'K'



And we wait.



Killing time.







Detached

Hi –

If you look up the word detached, Google tries to predict what you are looking for and the first thing that comes up is detached retina. This means that the retina is being pulled away from its normal position in the back of the eye. Good news – I don’t have a detached retina. 

The regular definition of detached is as an adjective and according to dictionary.com has 4 meanings:

1. not attached; separated: a detached ticket stub.

2. having no wall in common with another building (opposed to attached): a detached house.

3. impartial or objective; disinterested; unbiased: a detached judgment.

4. not involved or concerned; aloof.

According to my latest session with Dr. Lee, she says I sound detached. I guess the fact that she came up with anything is a miracle. I wasn’t expecting her to really give an opinion or feedback really – you might say I was expecting her to stay detached. Perhaps there should be a 5^th definition listed; often times used as a coping mechanism.

Also, under the related searches that Google so thoughtfully lists for you are things like:

detached personality

feeling detached

emotionally detached

So perhaps that Dr. Lee is onto something.

I mean, I guess she’s right. It’s not that I haven’t accepted your death as a reality in my life. I don’t walk around forgetting this to be true, but I’m also not exactly walking around not living my life. The fact is you’re gone. You’re dead. It’s hard to hear, hard to believe, but really easy to say. I can say it out loud even, and I do. I say it all day long. Often times as a reminder. Its not that I forget, but I catch my self speaking about you in the present tense. I catch myself thinking that’s something I should tell her. Then quickly its like a light bulb goes off – I can’t do that, she’s dead. So maybe I am detached. What that means though, I have NO idea. Any guesses?

I will say this therapy thing is weird. The first session was weird, because you have to give this random person some idea about who you are, as well as fill them in on the reason you are there. And I’m sure my reason wasn’t the expected one. She probably saw me walk in and thought depression, anxiety, any number of things, I doubt she saw me and thought – that girl’s mom recently died. I’m pretty sure the blinking neon sign I think I carry around with me is only in my head. Then today I walked in and she asks me what I want to talk about. And the thing is I don’t want to talk. I thought the whole point was they asked leading questions and that got you to open up. ‘What do you want to talk about today,’ is not a leading question. She also asked ‘What do you think about.’ And I had nothing for her. I had to think about, what I think about. The only thing I could come up with was the fact that I was running about 3 minutes behind and that stressed me out – which was true. I HATE being late. And that did sort of open things up and we were able to talk more easily from there. But there was definitely awkward pauses, and silences. I’ve got nothing.

I tried to explain that everything seems black and white at the moment. You’re dead, and you’re not coming back (see I said it again, I say it a lot). So, I’m attempting to live this new life I now have. She asked if I think about all the things we aren’t going to do and share together, and of course I do. But I don’t want to talk about them, at least not yet. I don’t want to spend $6 a week telling her how you’re not going to be at my wedding, or know the man I’m going to marry, or be at the next round of 60^th birthday’s coming up. Those are all the just facts of this new and not so shiny life I have, I don’t know, now I’m just ramble typing. I probably should have said all this to Dr. Lee, but as is the case, it didn’t occur to me then.

I guess I’ll just continue along my detached path, until I'm smacked in the face by something that pushes me into attachment I suppose. Because if I’m acting detached, I guess the plausible alternative is to be attached.

In other news, the TV show Raising Hope with Martha Plimpton has promise, and Running Wilde does not. And if I was ever to become a biker chick I would very much like to model myself after Gemma Teller Morrow (Katey Sagal on Sons of Anarchy), but with better highlights and minus the killing people thing, accident or not. She kicks ass.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

‘Sometimes I feel as cold as steel
And broken like I'm never going to heal’

A miracle of page and pen

Hi -

Please suspend your beliefs and imagine that I actually could sing, and I wouldn't make your ears bleed.
Love you forever, miss you always,
Rachel

I’d like to write a song
A sweet and simple thing
And if I do it right
It’d be the only one I’d sing
‘Cause it would bring me everything I’d need
A song that I could sing you back to me

Sing you back, bring you back
A miracle of page and pen
You’d hear it and be here again
And always and forever there would be
A song that I could sing you back to me

There must be a million words
And all I have to do
Is lay my heart upon
Those rare and magic few
Why can’t it be as easy as it seems
A song that I could sing you back to me
Bring you back

Denial, not just a river

Hi –

So it’s definitely official.  You are really gone, and if you came back now it would have to be as naked, and I’m one step closer to being certifiable I would imagine.

Your closet is empty. From what I’m told there are multiple piles left – one for me, one for Matt, one with items we are going to make into blankets, and I’m sure one for Randi. For some reason in my head I find the Randi pile the most comforting – at least some things never change. Randi and her love of clothes.

For some reason in my head when I think of the 5 steps of grieving I thought denial was further along, and not right at the top. I was sure it was in the middle – after anger, and before acceptance. At least if that was the case I was further along than I thought. But I guess the fact that I was deluding myself as to how well I was doing with this whole thing, really shows how deeply rooted I am in the denial step. Go Me!

So yeah – not dealing so well. I’m a big hallowed out person I’ve decided. I hear things and see things and know they should be eliciting some sort of reaction but I’ve got nothing. Apparently the only thing that gets any sort of emotion out of me right now is the fact that my DVR is broken and on more than one occasion has not recorded a specific show.  And what further annoys me is the solution Time Warner is going to come up with, which is going to be to replace my DVR, which further upsets me because I’m going to lose some precious programming that I have been saving for years. I’ve got quite a collection of Trisha Yearwood clips going. I don’t even watch them, but I know there is going to be one day when I’m going to want to and they aren’t going to be there. Perhaps I’m projecting. 

So to prepare for the fateful day when Time Warner is going to call and take away my beloved DVR that I have had since I moved here, I’m in full marathon mode. Of course I would watch the TV shows that are not put on Hulu.

In other news, Sara comes on Friday and then it’s back out to the dirty Jersey, and I’m beyond stoked about it. It’s the quiet understanding that I like about being out there.  Not that I don’t get that here, it’s just different there. Plus you’ve been there, lived there, made memories there.

I’m going out there for Stella’s birthday, luau themed. You should be very happy to know I got her a book. I know how big you are on books. I’m picturing you reading some where with a fine red wine in your hand. Perhaps part of this whole denial thing is the fact that I write to you in present tense – who knows. Lets add that to the list of things to discuss with Dr. Lee. 

OK – I’m going to go watch The Event, minus the first 5 minutes. Stupid DVR.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

As I type this...

Hi -

Randi and Kahni are going through your closet. Where did you get a red sundress with a big ass palm tree on it, with a matching border print? And when did you EVER wear it? And more importantly where was I when this happened, and how did I allow it? I have a feeling it might have been a bit to bright from the description I was given. Us Rosenthal women aren't bright color wearing women. We should always stick do dark blues, reds, blacks, on occasional dark purple. Its never bright-ass-red.

Also - a GAP tracksuit?

Oh - the things I'm learning.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

PS - Don't worry, I won't tell anyone you were a pack rat either.

Random Thought 764

Hi -

I was walking to work today listening to my iPod like normal and it occurred to me that no one writes songs about losing their mom. There are a TON of lost love songs out there - more than any one person could really ever need to listen to, but none about lost parents. The only real reason I can think of this is because people get over lost love, or you can get another love. There's no getting over a lost parent, and you only ever get 2 no more. It's something you will carry around with you forever, I'm sure its gets easier (that's what they tell me anyway) but it doesn't go away. The scar is always there.

So I feel like someone should write a song about it, that's all.

ALSO - I'm in love with Patti LuPone. She might be my 2nd favorite Gypsy Rose Lee - because lets face it Bette will always be number one. But if you get YouTube where ever you are you should watch this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEtRWI_U0Mw it was fantastic.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

31 days, 744 hours, 44,640 minutes, and 2,678,400 seconds

Hola -

So it's been a month. The longest month of my life I can honestly say. I can also honestly say while its the longest, I can picture the day - moment - hour when it all went down to an exact tee. As I'm sure Dad can, Grandma, Diane - anyone who actually saw you in the hospital.

The days are not getting any easier and neither are the nights. I woke up so much through out the night last night and went back to sleep each time that when I finally got out of bed around Noon I had a killer headache and still have it now 12 hrs later. I've had a couple people suggest trying to get an Ambien prescription but I don't think it will help. The nights I take a sleeping pill I still end up getting up throughout the night. So it doesn't seem like ambien would do any better.

Today was Yom Kippur - the day of Atonement. According to everything I was ever told in Hebrew school growing up, on Rosh Hashanah (10 days ago) the books of life and death are opened. Today on Yom Kippur the books are closed. During the days in between G-d looks at everyone and the life they have lead and decides which book to write their name in. I guess the assumption if you believed in this would be that your name was written in the book of death. However, I'm beginning to think the concepts of the books are a bit backwards. Perhaps it wasn't your name at all that was written anywhere, but the rest of our names. Seeing as how we are the ones left to deal and pick up the pieces of the shattered life we were all left with. And the books are not life and death but an easy year vs a year of suffering. The definition of the suffering and what it might entail are dependent on the incident that happened.

In other news I saw the Broadway show FELA! today with Seema. Its about an African musician who also became a political figure. It was amazing. Patti LaBelle also plays a lead female role which is exciting as well. There was tons of dancing and singing, and high energy it was great. The lead guy was phenomenal. How he didn't win a Tony award is beyond me. He carries the entire show himself from start to finish. I don't think there is a single number that he isn't a part of. Its pretty remarkable if you ask me. Definitely a must see.

Besides that - Seema and I have been completely engrossed in a 'Veronica Mars' marathon. I love watching TV marathon style. Especially when the series has already finished - this way I don't have to wait for any new episodes.

Anyway - going to go watch a couple more before heading to bed.

Love you lots, miss you forever.
Rachel

To you and your sister...

I just received an amazing email. It was so true and so spot on. The silence is what is welcomed and is what is helpful. There are no words.

So as a guest blog for the evening, the email I received which was addressed to Sara and myself:

You know it's funny how something written for one person can have the same exact meaning for another. How the sadness and numbness that comes along in life can affect two people in such similar yet different ways. I was listening to a song on Linkin Park's new CD earlier (lyrics below) and it made me think of the two of you. Two people who are not sisters because of blood or adoption but because of love. It's one of those things in life that happen for so very few and only those few are able to understand what a gift it truly is.

I haven't really said much to either of you about what you've been dealing with. Silence is usually better. Silence is usually what people want. But it's not really just about silence, it's about not knowing. To speak about such a tragedy as if one knows how it feels is stupid and ridiculous and rude and not something I'm going to do. Instead, I am just going to say what I've said from the beginning. That one day the numbness you now feel will hopefully be less numb and that I hope you never lose the feeling of loss you feel now. Yes I know that last part may sound like a typo but something Rachel said in her blog the other day inspired it. To be able to remember her and know that love and remember that love for the rest of your lives is, like the love between sisters, something you both will cherish. To you both - i love you, I'm there for you, and just remember that you have each other. You have your sister.

The promised lyrics...

The Messenger Lyrics


When you feel you're alone
cut off from this cruel world
your instincts telling you to run

listen to your heart
those angel faces
they'll see you to you
they'll be your guide
back home where life leaves us blind
love keeps us kind
it keeps us kind !

when you suffered it all
and your spirit is breaking
you're growing desperate from the fight

Remember your love
and you always will be
this melody will always bring
you right back home

When life leaves us blind
Love, keeps us kind!
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind!

Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhhh Ohhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!

Quad Venti, No Foam, Skinny Latte...

Hi -

It's going to be one of those days, I can tell you that right now. I woke up with sick taste in my mouth, a splitting headache, and all I could mumble was quad venti, no foam, skinny latte please. We'll I've downed the entire thing, and I'm still half asleep - oh well.

So the Ballet - AMAZING. It was incredible. I love the pitter patter that they all make with their ballet shoes as they are dancing around. I remember watching something where they were saying you weren't supposed to make that noise, and that a sign of a good ballet dancer is if they don't make it. But I don't care, I still like it. And then when they go up on point and run around, i just love it.

I watch them dancing around, and think I would love to be a ballet dancer, or a singer. Any sort of artistic person really. The light that shines from people as they are performing I am so jealous of. I don't think I shine like that while I do anything. Maybe while building a really intense excel spreadsheet or something - who knows. I asked Dad if I ever got close to being a ballerina and he laughed at me. Said the closest I got was Karate, which I fully believe. Did I ever show interest though? How do you know if your kid is good at things like that? You just put them in it and see if they come home crying every day or not? I always wonder that. What if I give birth to the next Serena Williams or something, but never put a tennis racket in her hands so I have NO earthly idea, and I've just deprived the world of one of its greatest athletes. whoops, my bad.

I want to go again and again though. It was so exciting to watch - awe inspiring really. Plus Lincoln Center is amazing, breathtaking really. It's always been one of my favorite places to be outside, and now that I've seen the inside of some of the buildings I love it even more. The theater where the NYC Ballet performs has all these portraits of the ballet dancers lining the walls - they are beautiful. Very Simple. Randi said she has never been to the Ballet before, maybe I can get her to come visit and we can go together. They are having a Fall/Winter Season this year for the first time - not just the Spring/Summer season.

After we got out last night I turned to Seema and told her that all day I had the song from Chorus Line in my head 'Everyone is beautiful at the Ballet' and she said she did as well. Then she reminded me that the role in the original Broadway play was played by Kelly Bishop,  Mrs Emily Gilmore herself. How cool.

Anyway - I'm at work, and we are headed out to a group lunch since its someones last day in my department. Which really means more work for us all to absorb instead of hiring a new person, gotta love WB. Hopefully this headache subsides soon. Its probably a side effect of the crappy sleep I've been getting. Seema made the point that since I keep waking up through out the night that my body is probably never really making it to REM sleep. I'm sure this will all come to bite me in the ass later, there's only so long a person can go without REM. I'm sure I'm about to hit it.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

I just wanna DANCE!

Hi -

It's going to rain today. I hope I'm already inside the Ballet when that happens. I'm going with Seema tonight. I know I've seen The Nutcracker before, but I don't feel like that counts. This is the real NYC Ballet and Lincoln Center. Woot Woot! I'll let you know how it goes.

Here are parts of little diddy by Little Big Town (the entire thing was not applicable, but this was)
When you lose something,
it's all that you want back.
You waited patiently.
But it don't work like that.

When you lose someone,
the first thing that goes through your head,
is if you run fast enough,
you just might catch up.
But it don't work like that.

When you lose something
It's all that you want back.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

Oh that Dr. Lee

Hi -

I had my first appointment with Dr. Lee this morning. It went OK. They say the first one is always awkward, and it was. The whole getting to know you part, and attempting to get a general idea of why your patient is there I'm sure is a ton of fun for a person. She seems nice though. Asked leading questions, nodded in the right spots, appeared interested. I think its definitely going to take a few more sessions before I can make a fully formed opinion. I wasn't put off by her or anything, so that's a good sign. Plus its only $6 a visit, so I can definitely afford a couple.

I did have to fill out one of those surveys about myself though. I really really hate those. I always end up inadvertently lying. I want to tell the truth, it would only be beneficial of me to tell the truth, but somehow I end up checking the lie box. For instance there was the question, do you consider yourself generally happy with your life. Well prior to recent events I was. So do I check somewhat agree? Or totally disagree? All the questions are like that. Well, I was. Why isn't there that box. Or I want that to be true about myself. I want to consider myself generally happy. Then of course there was the how many drinks do you have on average in a week. I ALWAYS want to lie there - but I know its not helpful. The question today was, how many drinks have you had in this past week. I put 7. That might have been a small lie. I'm going to go with Meridith's opinion on this, that there should be some standard give and take for people who live in NYC. Drinking is way more socially acceptable and in fact encouraged here. As you are well aware of.

I will say this though - Today was the first decent day I had. I think the fact that for a period of time this morning I was given full range to have any and every emotion I wanted to have. To be allowed and welcomed to any and all thought, feeling, whim I had. To have this given time frame where I could talk about you, or anything I wanted, and have whatever reaction I wanted. There was this given time that I could say and do whatever. So once it was over, I was actually able to go about my day. I was able to be productive at work, to have fully formed thoughts, to giggle, I even managed to get a brain freeze from drinking a frappachino to fast. I don't necessarily know if I feel better about everything that's happened, or have any answers to any of my millions of questions, but I was able to concentrate and have a productive day. This is also not saying that while I was being productive you didn't occupy a corner of my mind either - but I was able to use the rest of my brain as well.

So besides meeting with Dr. Lee this morning, I've also had quite the the most random thoughts today as well. There was the moment I was in the bathroom stall at the pub, and I thought if your hanging around with me all the time are you seeing me at this exact moment? Are you seeing me sitting on the seat instead of squatting?

Then there is the thought - do I think you're hanging around here? I want to think that for the most part you are off somewhere better, but that a part of you is still here hanging around. That there is a part that I'm keeping with me forever. That dad has a part, Matt's got his part, and grandma has her's. Everyone has their own. The part of you that they had when you were around. Everyone gets to keep that with them always.

Also - if there is any silver lining to anything going on (which sounds like an oxymoron if you ask me) its that I got to have you for 26 years. I think I'm a fully developed person where I will always have memories of you. I'll always know that a sandwich you made, tasted better than one I made. That there is something about your Chicken Parm, that no one else can replicate. I will always have these things with me. If this had happened earlier I don't know that I would be able to keep these things with me forever, but I'm confident that I will be able too. So there is that.

I just read that Candace Bergen is going to be on House as Lisa Cuddy's mom. I think that's AMAZING, and I can't tell you how excited I am to watch that unfold. I do wish that you'd be there to call and discuss the episode with afterwards, but I'm going to feel that way a lot this new TV season.

I'm going to go watch Oprah now from yesterday where the Judd's who are back together are on. I'll probably cry my eyes out and be jealous for what they have, and know that what we had did not compare. If only we could have been singers. We could have been contenders.

Love you forever, miss you always, feeling you next to me.
Rachel

Oh those Judds

Hi -

Apparently the Judd's were on Oprah yesterday. I haven't watched it yet, but I will.

It would appear they are back together and making music. In the introduction to Amy Yasbeck's new book about John Ritter she talks about how even doing the simplest things like listening to music became really difficult because every song no matter the subject matter was about him. Well, let me tell you - she was onto something for sure.

Here's the Judd's new song - 'I Will Stand By You'

I will never back down from a good fair fight

I will find my way through the darkest night

I will never be wrong for doing whats right

I will stand by you

I will never run from what I believe

I am stronger still when I'm on my knees

I'm ready as I’ll ever be

Cause, I will stand by you

And I can carry, the world on my shoulders

This I know is true

And if you need me, I will be there

Know that I will stand by you

Let the walls fall down , I will shelter you

When the seas rise up, Ill rise up to

No matter what happens, I’ll know what to do.

I will stand by you

In addition to that little gem she also said this -- "Does the grief get any easier?In the book I say instead of time heals wounds, time salts the wound."
She definitely is onto something there.

Anyway - I'm at work. I'll tell you all about Dr. Judith Lee later. Mike is still in the office till about 1pm so I've got to do some stuff.


Love you forever, miss you always, imagining your standing next to me.
Rachel

TiVo...oh how you're amazing.

Hi,

So something went wrong with my Tivo and now Seema and I are being forced to watch Sons of Anarchy live, if you can believe that. I'm not sure what this world is coming too. Live TV, and you're gone. Its all backwards if you ask me.

Having your smell around me all day was actually nice, not at all creepy. Not sure I'll wear it everyday, but definitely when I'm missing you and on special occasions.

I talked to Matt yesterday. The baby is still safely tucked away, holding off making his arrival known. Although, I would imagine you'd probably know before the rest of us when he was finally ready to make his appearance known. Grandma thinks he's holding off till Saturday, I think that is definitely plausible. I do believe that sometimes people are waiting for something. I think that's what happened with Grandma Henny. We were all gathered around her bedside for days, but as soon as we all left and went back to our lives and weren't there anymore she was gone. I think that was the way she wanted it. Granted this theory definitely only applies in certain situations.

Tomorrow I have my first therapy/grief counseling session. Not sure how I feel about it. I know its something I should do, and that's why I'm doing it, but at the same time I can't imagine that this woman is going to tell me anything that I haven't already said to myself. That's probably the completely wrong attitude to go into it with - but its the one I have at the moment. Yes shes going to have an unbiased opinion and outlook on things, but right now I can't imagine what she is going to say to me. Yes I know its not my fault. Yes I know there was nothing that we could have done differently. Yes I know that everything happens for a reason. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I wonder what other cliches and platitudes she will have for me. I'll let you know as soon as I hear them.

So I've been writing this during commercial breaks for Sons of Anarchy, and man this watching TV live thing is for the birds. How did we ever exist before TiVo and DVR? and lets make sure we don't go back there. I'm in the home stretch though. There is only 15 minutes left in the episode - that should really only translate into 1 more commercial break. Of course, then I'll be in the position of having to wait a full week before the next episode is on. Whatever will I do. Probably bitch and moan all week.

I'm going to sign off now. Leave this entry as light hearted. They don't all have to be downers.

I'll write tomorrow, after my session with Dr. Lee.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

Smell me...

Yo -

I'm wearing your perfume today. Its either going to be really comforting, or extremely creepy. I might think you are sneaking up on me all day long. I'll let you know how it goes.

Off to start my day.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

PS - here is a Gilbert O'Sullivan song. I think he might have been a one hit wonder - not sure. If he's not, I honestly have no idea what else he sings.

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promised myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower,
And climbing to the top,
Will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when your shattered
Left standing in the lurch, at a church
Where people 're saying,
"My God that's tough, she stood him up!
No point in us remaining.
May as well go home."
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Now looking back over the years,
And what ever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to have cried the tears
And at sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn't understand, why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart
So badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

If wishing made it so...

Hi -

G-d Mom, I just don't know. I really don't. Sometimes I think I can do this. I can make this new life of mine work. Then I wake up from that pipe dream of mine and realize I have no clue, no earthly idea how I could possibly make this work. Its inconceivable to me really.

I thought I was strong, but I'm not. I just want you back, badly. Its not really fair if you ask me. Its actually quite stupid.

I find myself walking through out my day looking at people and listening to them and thinking 'you have absolutely no idea about life.' They can't. I want to be able to share and talk about my feelings, but I don't know how. I don't know how to talk to someone and have them understand that my heart has been ripped out. That I feel like I'm walking around in a haze. That one minute I'm present and accounted for in the moment and then I feel the wind on my face or see something out of the corner of my eye and I'm gone - thinking about you and how this sucks.  People say they understand, but they don't. I don't see how they can. I might give some the benefit of the doubt if they have lost someone too - but was it a mother. Was she your best friend? The person you wanted to call when something good happened? Or something bad? The one person you thought would always be there? Because unless it was that person, they can't understand. They can listen, and nod their head in understanding and empathy but it doesn't help.

I guess this is where people tell you time will help. I don't know about that though. The way I see it is with time there will be more things that will have come that you will have missed out on. More things that I will have wanted to tell you but won't be able too. With time, just comes more time.

Here is a song that Paul Simon wrote.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

You are moving on a crowded street
Through various shades of people
In the summers harshest heat
A story in your eye
Well, speak until your minds at ease

Twenty-five years come and gone so fast
I might as well have been dreaming
Sunny days have burned a path
Across another season
A fortune rises to the sky
Twenty-five years come and gone so fast

You are driving down an empty road
Beside a shady river
When the sky turns dark as stone
The trees begin to shiver
The grace of God is nigh

Twenty-five years come and gone
And that flash has never been forgotten
Sunny days have burned a path
Across another season
How do the powerless survive
Twenty-five years come and gone so fast

And if you look into your future life
Ten years from this question
Do you imagine a familiar light
Burning in the distance
The love that never died

Twenty years come and gone so fast
I might as well have been dreaming
Sunny days have burned a path
Across another season

Twenty-five years come and gone so fast
Sunny days have burned a path

A girl can dream

Hi -

Even though its a love song, lets pretend its not for a minte, and that one day it will ring true.

"Woke up late today, and I
still feel the sting of the pain,
but I brush my teeth anyway;
got dressed through the mess
and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Ridin' in the car to work, and I'm
tryin' to ignore the hurt,
so I turned on the radio --
stupid song made me think of you.
I listened to it for a minute,
but then I changed it.
I'm gettin' a little bit stronger;
just a little bit stronger."

Miss you a lot today. Especially when that stupid Carrie Underwood song comes on the radio. That one ALWAYS gets changed.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

Oprah, Ellen, oh my...

Hi,

It's only 11:30pm so I'm definitely ahead of the game tonight in getting to sleep. The big boss's are going to be in our NY offices tomorrow so I need to get there way before them and get my shit together for all of our meetings. Its going to be so exciting.

Oprah's final season starts tomorrow, I know you're very sad to be missing it. Somehow though, I'm sure where ever you are Oprah's final season is not exactly at the top of your list of things to be concerned about. Ellen also starts up tomorrow too - I'm equally as thrilled about that, as I'm sure you are aware.

I'm back in my apartment tonight, and currently all snuggled into my bed. I'm excited about sleeping in my actual bed tonight because its rather comfortable if I do say so myself. My room however needs a bit of a cleaning. I have about 3 half filled suitcases piled on top of each other. I'm slightly concerned about my early morning stumble to the shower, but not concerned enough to move anything. Hopefully I am motivated enough tomorrow night to do laundry and clean up the suitcases.

I was recounting my last 3 weeks to Honey tonight since i haven't seen her since everything happened, and I found myself with nothing really to say. I mean there is the obvious that you're gone, but that's about it. Everything I've done, experienced, thought about, etc has been connected to that moment. I have this feeling that it will be forever. From here on out I'll be defined by it. I guess that's how it goes.

Everyday I think of these new things that I'm going to miss out on. Sometimes its stupid shit like a recipe, and other days its things like a complete medical history. It occurred to me the other day that I'll be somewhere, at some point in my life and asked for a complete medical history and I wont have one. Did you have high blood pressure? I think. How was your cholesterol? Who knows. You had a hysterectomy so who knows when you would have gone through menopause. I know you had melanoma's, but other than that you were relatively healthy. You did have allergies, but what kind - I couldn't tell you. Just things I think about.

Going to go to sleep now. Watch over me tomorrow, make sure I don't stick my foot in my mouth. That would be extremely unhelpful.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

One of lifes great mysteries

Hey -

Just a quick thought - why is it that you buy shampoo and conditioner at the same time and start using it at the same time, but one always runs out quicker than the other? How is that possible? Is there a magical shower elf that only uses one and not the other? Why would they do that? Who uses shampoo but doesn't use conditioner? Or vice versa. That's just silly.

I wonder if where you are now you know these things. If that's the case you should put the answer on a post it or something and have me stumble upon it. That would be incredibly convenient.

OK - that's all for now. Talk to you again later.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

2 quick thoughts for the road

Hey -

2am and I'm just now getting into bed. I'm developing a bit of a habit here. Probably not the best one, but definitely no where near the worst that's for sure.

Had an interesting day. Stella has a cold, and apparently when an almost 2 year old has a runny nose you just let it run. You wipe it when you can, but she didn't enjoy it, so the theory was let it go. Well, when I changed into my PJ's I noticed one of the places it went was my shirt. That was a super exciting find. Here's hoping snot comes out in the wash.

I realized today why I like being at Rab's right now, and why its not difficult or hard for me. You were here recently. I can close my eyes and picture you sitting on a bar stool drinking a cup of coffee in the morning. I can see us all sitting at the dinner table Saturday night eating Lizzie's brussel sprouts. I can see you here. Its comforting. I can remember being annoyed that I was trying to sleep at 3am, while you and Rab played Spite and Malice loudly at the dining table.

So, I'm going to go to sleep now, because I took one of those Costco sleeping pills you bought me the last time we did a Costco run, and its kicking in. Side note - they totally taste salty. Did you happen to notice that yourself? Imagine the candy shell on an Advil but salty instead. That's what these are like.

I am going to leave you with 2 things that I came across today. One was on Tory's tumblr page and is a quote from 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button':
      For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again


The second is from a piece of artwork that Richard brought back from Atlanta for Carly. He got another gig there for a Hallmark movie so hes been going back and forth again:
       As you grow up, you will have your heart broken more than once and its harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll carry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose something you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like you've never been hurt. Because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.


Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

What exactly is a Bandwagon?

Hi -

It's 2am and I'm not a sleep yet - shocker I know.

I've been up chatting with Lizzie. She put out in the world the thought that maybe I should just take some time off, go get my masters, live at casa Delgado and recharge. I think the idea definitely has merits. Sign please. As is the slogan in this house WWAD (what would adrienne do)?

She made the point that I could easily make as much money as I do now with a part-time bartending gig out here in Jersey and then I could spend the rest of my time getting my Masters. Its definitely doable.

I know there is that whole no decisions for 6 months thing, but this is something that i've been pondering for a while now anyway. Not necessarily moving to suburbia and going back to school, but definitely making a change of sorts.

Besides who came up with that whole 6 months thing anyway? I feel like it was some therapist somewhere, and everyone just jumped on the bandwagon. I should come up with my own bandwagon and then get people to jump on it. I've got ideas, i'm a thinker. Maybe i'll work on that as well - go to school and get a bandwagon going.  Because really what is 6 months - what about what is going on with me right now will be different? Are you magically going to come back? Am I going to feel some how whole again and not like my heart has been put through a paper shredder and scotch taped back together? Because if thats really the case then i'll wait the stupid 6 months, but I have a feeling its not. I'm pretty sure in 6 months i'll be in the same place. Maybe not geographically located - but i've got it on good authority you're not coming back, and that my heart will still have holes. So I think maybe I won't do the 6 months thing. I'll make some decisions, whatever they are, and run with them.

Decisions and Bandwagon here I come.

First sleep though.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

PS - Blogger spell check, just told me everything in this entry is spelled correctly. Somehow, I think its a lie. Oh well.

Out in the dirty jersey!

Hi -

I'm out in Jersey for the weekend - hanging with the Delgado clan. Stella looks about the same since when you were here, but shes definitely speaking more. She does this cute game called copies where she wants you to copy everything shes doing. Its super cute when she dances. She was intrigued by the 2 'Adrienne' name bracelets I have on my wrists so that was a nice bonding moment for us. I mean I can't blame her - they are pretty awesome.

I like it here better than I did in the city. Besides Randi, Rab feels the loss like I do. Don't get me wrong - Daddy and Grandma feel it too but its just in a different way. There's something about knowing that upstairs right now is someone who with a look knows exactly what is happening in my soul at this very moment. We don't have to talk about it - because neither one of us really wants to. But shes there and she knows. And i like it.

I can't stay here forever though. On Sunday I'm going to go back to the city and to my apartment and attempt to put my life back together. I've been faking it until I could make it all week and I think they are starting to notice at work. I have a feeling that they are going to catch on soon. I can only stare at a computer screen for so long.

I don't really have much to say - just that I miss you. I feel it more today. Perhaps its because dad picked you up today, or perhaps its because it is how things will be forever now. You always there in the back of my mind.  Or because the tiredness is finally setting in because I'm at a place where I feel at home - oh and I had flank steak for dinner which you know is my favorite. Its probably all some how connected.

I'll have more tomorrow. I'm going to a garage sale with Lizzie and Rab to look for things for their new business venture. I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

Cue eyeroll...

Hi -

So you had to know this was coming. There is this Trisha Yearwood song that perfectly fits my life at the moment. Its called 'Some Day's:

If you see dark skies in my green eyes
It's just that I can't find no cover
These ghosts that haunt me
They get me when they want me
And some days are better than others

I didn't sleep last night, I guess that's the price
You pay for a soul that's troubled
And curse or blessing I'm here confessing
Some days are better than others

I have these moments of weakness
But I've had a lifetime of strength
And I know I will defeat this
But that's not what my heart wants to think

And even tomorrow is tinged with sorrow
When one fool longs for another
This can't last forever, just like the weather
Some days are better than others

The only difference is having a full good day is too much to hope for at this moment. If I wrote it - it would be 'some moments' but I guess days is a better word to sing. Not sure though, I'm not a singer. It is interesting to me how I can get up in the morning, get in the shower, and make it all the way to work without a second thought. The minute I sit down at my desk though, its just nothing. I can't bring myself to work, or function properly. I end up staring at the computer screen or talking online to Sara and Honey but not actually working, or thinking, or anything. I just go blank. Then around noon or so it passes. I'm able to figure out what I should be doing and accomplish a bit of work. Then its like another switch goes and I'm back to just staring.

I read this article last night that was about coping with unexpected death verses expected death and how it's often harder to deal with. It was interesting, but at the same time - all things I could have told myself. It talks about how people often agonize about the final days; if you said 'I love you' if you could have seen the signs, etc. But I KNOW i said 'I love you' - I ALWAYS said I love you when I get off the phone. I've agonized somewhat over the fact that I was drunk the last time we talked, but we both know that was a fairly usual occurrence for me, and that you found it slightly amusing. We also know that I'm a pretty neurotic person to begin with and used to think about how i would react in this particular situation. Well I can honestly say its not how I always thought I would react - but there's pretty much nothing in life that turns out how you think it will, so there's that.

I can remember all the conversations I've had with dad about things happening in life - and how he always would ask me to think back to what my expectations where of the event before it happened, and I could never remember. The actual event always overshadows whatever expectations I might have had. For some reason though not this time. I know that i used to think i would be a complete and utter mess, and not able to get out of bed. So far, I've gotten out of bed every day - what else am i going to do. That's not to say I haven't gotten back into it half way through the day a couple of times - but I've gotten up, and showered every single day since so that's an accomplishment of sorts on its own I suppose.

I'm actually sitting at work right now, avoiding my inbox that is blinking at me about my 12 unread emails so I'm going to go and do something with those now. I have more I want to tell you though, so I'll be back later.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

L'Shana Tova

Hi -

Happy New Year Mom. All I can think about is the creepy story they tell you when you are younger about the Jewish High Holidays. How on Rosh Hashanah the book of life is opened, along with the book of death. Then you are given the next 10 days to atone for all your sins in the past year. The books are then closed on Yom Kippur and depending on which book you are written in dictates the rest of your year. Guess we know where your name was written - that's such a horrible thought. As well as one of the worst stories to tell young kids EVER. I can't believe that's what they tell us to explain the two holidays. You would think there was a better way - or at least I'm hoping they have come up with a better way by now.

I need to call Grandma. She went to dinner at Phillip and Dee's tonight for the Holiday and I need to find out how it went. Uncle Marty went with them, and I got a text from Dad at some point saying he was in his element since he found a whole new audience to tell his jokes to. I guess that's good. As long as everyone had a good time all is well for the moment.

Ila and I watched the remake of The Women tonight. I have to say it was not exactly as bad as everyone was making it out to - that of course could be because I didn't have to pay for it but who knows.  I'm not encouraging everyone to run out and see it, but ya know if a person were to stumble upon it I wouldn't scream change the channel or anything. Good ole Candace Bergen had a good moment in the movie. She was talking about the feeling a woman has when her husband cheats on her. She said something to the extent of; 'It feels like someone ripped your heart out. Like your having that dream where your falling and you want to wake up before you hit the ground. Like you've been punched in the gut and it will never stop hurting. Like you'll never trust again.' All I could do was look at Ila and say, well that's exactly how I feel right now. 

I think I still might be unsettling people with my reactions to everything. The thing is I've got nothing. Nothing in my head, nothing in my thoughts, just nothing. When I'm quiet and staring off into space I'm really not thinking about anything. It could be I'm pondering the lint on my jeans at that given moment, or what might be on TV that evening. There really is nothing higher end happening in my brain. And honestly I think that's OK. I've got nothing to give anyone right now. What strength I have is all for Dad, and whats left if any is getting me out of bed (or really off Ila's couch) in the morning. In fact there's so little going on in my head right now that it takes all my energy to put things there. Its taking everything I have to be able to work during the day. To not just stare at the computer screen from 10 - 6.

Today was a bit better though. I made it all day at work. Granted my productivity level is still not quite where it should be, but I think the fact that I made it to 6:30 is worth a shout out for sure.

So I was going to put the English version of the Mourners Kaddish here now. Seeing as how its the holiday and I should say it. Up until now, and even now I'm not really doing the whole why God, why thing, and blaming god. But I just can't bring myself to copy and paste the text here. I read through it and it just doesn't seem to fit. I'm not blaming God or saying its all Gods fault, but I'm also not exactly ready to say; "May His great Name grow exalted and sanctified, etc" One day, I'll be there, but definitely not right now. It definitely sounds better in Hebrew anyway.


Till tomorrow.


Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

It's like riding a bike, or a horse - you pick!

Hi,

So I just finished the season premiere of Sons of Anarchy and I have no idea how I'm going to make it to next Tuesday for the next episode. This watching one a week in live time is for the birds. Next Tuesday feels just as far away as Sept 20th when the season premiere of House is. I'm also equally as stoked and anxious about that one. (insert Seema's eye roll. She just can't behind House and Cuddy like I can)

I went back to work today. It was part fairly easy and part really difficult. On more than one occasion I looked down at my desk phone and felt the urge to call your office. Only to be reminded that there would be no one on the other line. Matt said whenever I get that urge I can call him. I of course neglected to tell him that the feeling usually comes at 11am eastern time, right about when my morning tasks are done and I'm taking a break before diving into a project of some sort. I'm sure my phone call would be his wake up call and I have a feeling that's not exactly how he wants to be starting his day.

I made it till 3:30 at work - I thought that was pretty good. I was sitting there looking at my outlook trying to figure out what to do next and I started to get a bit teary eyed. I guess that was the beginning of the proverbial brick wall I've been hearing so much about. I went back to my apartment after that in the hopes of taking a nap but sleep alluded me. Instead I watched some DVR'd things and brought that percentage full number down a bit. I get a little anxious when it gets above 60%. I worry it might delete things before I've had the chance to re-watch them for the 100th time.

Talked to Dad today around 4ish. He too had left work a bit early and was laying in bed trying to take a nap - I'm sure he was more successful then I was. I need to call Grandma. The night got away from me today, but I'll do it tomorrow AM. I hope she went back to playing bridge this week, I know she hadn't yet when I had left.

I was invited to Elyn's for dinner tomorrow night, but I'm going to pass. I don't think I'm that OK and ready to face people. There's only so many times in a day I can say "I'm OK" and do my little head nod, and I have a feeling I'll have filled my quota pre-dinner.  I do however think I'm going to go buy a yartzite candle tomorrow and light it. I wonder if Duane Reade (our version of Walgreen's) sells them, otherwise I'm not 100% sure where to look. I'll have to do some googling.

I also stopped by the Pub today. That went a lot smoother than I thought it was going to go. I told them I'd probably go back to work mid-October some time. There's no real point in having them put me back on the schedule anytime soon seeing as how I have weekend plans from now all the way through the first weekend of October. - Which side note - I STILL haven't received either my invitation or rehearsal dinner invite to Brian's wedding. No idea what is happening there. I better get the right meals. I called Brian and gave him my choices. Someone needs to get their act together.

Well, now I'm just rambling. I guess I should go to sleep. Here's to a better day tomorrow, and making it till at least 4:30. I believe having realistic goals is really whats important. Hopefully the tires in the bike I'll be riding are full in the morning and I do a better job of dodging those brick walls. Randi suggested I trade my Schwinn in for an ET bike, I'm thinking that might not be such a bad idea.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

Back in the apple

Hi -

I got back into NYC today. It was actually one of the easiest airport visits I have ever had when arriving back in NYC. I landed in Newark and since I was at the back of the plane, by the time I got down to baggage claim as I was coming down the escalator I could see my bag already on the carousel. It was perfect.

I thought it was going to be a lot harder to come back than it actually was. That whole theory of putting one foot in front of the other really does work. You just do it and before you know it you are at your destination. Also, the fact that Ila was waiting for me when I landed definitely helped things. I always hated that part about flying into NYC - the fact that people don't pick you up from the airport or anything. You are just expected to get to your final destination on your own. It's a very lonely feeling, but none of that today. I of course also took a tranziene before I got on the plane which may or may not have had something to do with it all.

So I'm back and at Ila and Todd's and in true Todd fashion a delicious spread of food was grilled for dinner. We ate it outside in this little picnic area that is right out in front of their building so that was really nice, and there was this light breeze in the air as well. Made a perfect evening for most.

I have found that my head is quiet all the time. On more than one occasion people ask me what I'm thinking and the truthful answer is nothing. There is just nothing going through my mind - its at a rest. I'm not sure what that is all about - it's just the way things are at the moment. I find myself just staring at nothing with no thoughts in my head. I'm not contemplating my existence, or thinking about Matt or Dad, or myself - I'm just blank. I'm not sure if its because I'm tired or because there is SO much that I need to be thinking about and I can't bring myself too.

At moments I can feel the walls around the last two weeks crumbling down and at other times I can feel them getting higher. I can feel myself being torn between wanting to believe and not being able to.

I'm going back to work tomorrow. I'm torn between thinking it will be good for me - to be able to focus on something else. And thinking I might not be able to concentrate at all. I guess I'll find out tomorrow which one it is. I'm definitely not looking forward to all those first encounters with everyone - in the past week or so they have proven to be awkward with just about everyone.

OH - I tasted the Chicken Divan last night before I went to sleep - it was good. Tasted how it should. Dad texted me tonight saying he ate it for dinner and it was good. So mission accomplished.

I'm going to start getting ready for bed in the hopes that I might be asleep by midnight. I think that should be relatively doable seeing as how its only 10:11 now. Falling asleep isn't my problem - its the staying asleep that I have problems with.

Anyway - Night Night. Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel