Post 200...interesting

Hi –

I’m on another plane headed back to SF. Matt and Laurens wedding is this weekend.  I feel like it should be called something in addition to wedding, because technically they are already married. But who cares. There will be booze, and food, and a party, so count me in for a good time.

My mantra for the weekend is ‘be present and accounted for, calm and collected, and go with the flow. Its not my wedding so just go with it.’

And in the words of Abbey Bartlett (aka Aaron Sorkin) ‘If wishing made it so’

We shall see.

Wish me luck. Be looking over my shoulder all weekend, and please don’t let me spill anything on my dress.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Oodles and oodles of quotes, oh my!

Hi –

All week I keep hearing the same e.e. cummings quote in my head, “Here is the deepest secret no one knows. Here is the root of the root... and the bud of the bud... and the sky of the sky of a tree called life...” It’s from the poem ‘I Carry Your Heart’ which I’ve always loved and had Skip read at your funeral. Only this one part is haunting me though.

I think its because I’m reaching the point where I’m almost ready to talk about my feelings. Maybe. I think anyway. I can feel them bubbling up. I think the biggest sign is that I’m having more bad days than good lately. More often than not I can’t shake the sadness.

I’m pretty scared though. I have a feeling once I finally open up, there will be ugly things that come out. Ugly and hurtful. So that should be a ton of fun. That’s part of the reason I haven’t written as much lately. I’m finding myself following the old adage, ‘if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,’ so silence ensues.

Kahni gave me the following quote "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er the fraught heart and bids it mean." She must have known.

But so did good ole Stephen King…” "The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear."”

So with all that, yeah there is a lot going on in my head.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in

my heart) I am never without it (anywhere

I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

And it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)”

That's right, i'm quoting Whitney Houston.

Hola –

So its been a while – sorry about that. It was a crazy week at work to the point where when I got home I would then use my computer to do more work, and not at all fun things like writing to you. Imagine that, working from home.

Matt’s wedding is coming up, which I’m sure you know. I gotta say I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing. Not the marriage itself, I’m totally on board with that. It’s more the whole big wedding thing. There will be a notable absence, yours, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. On one hand I think we did Hanukkah and Christmas so we should be able to do this too. But on the other hand this is a once in a lifetime thing, not an every year thing. Who knows though. I should probably ask Matt how’s he managing the entire thing. Maybe. But probably not. He’s got enough on his plate; I shouldn’t bring him my issues with his wedding. That’s probably a bit insensitive.

So yeah that’s what’s been going on. Work, Matt’s Wedding, The Miller Baby, Carly being more mobile, attempting more unpacking, the usual.

With that I’m going to head to bed. And of course by that I mean watching at least one episode of Bones, if not more than that.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…Each day, each day I play the role

Of someone always in control

But at night I come home and turn the key

There's nobody there, no one cares for me

What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams

Without someone to share it with

Tell me what does it mean? …”

Welcome Baby Blue Miller!

Hi –

At 12:19am Avery Rae Miller was born, weighing approximately 11 pounds and 1 ounce with a perfectly rounded head. Yeah you read that right, 11 pounds.  She scored an 8 than a 9 on her ABGAR. So she’s obviously going to be a genius, and on a day far in the future she will catch her first glimpse of Kalel where they will fall madly in love and continue to produce genius children. It’s written in the stars, or at least I just put it in the stars today. And I’m pretty sure Kahni has put it out there as well. And as the secret says, all you need to do it put something out into the world.

In other closely related news, I almost had what would have been a full on breakdown right there in the hallway of the hospital. Danny came down the hallway with Avery, where we were all crowded waiting for him, and stopped so he could present her to the world. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, god parents all oohed and ahhed over her. I bobbed and weaved my way in between to catch my own glimpse; I am after all much shorter than these people.  Kahni stepped up to Danny and kissed her head, which was full of hair, and I lost it. It was this beautiful moment and it was taken from us. We won’t get to have it, or you wont rather - seeing as how Meagan wasn’t present at that moment, but that’s not the point.

The point is that you’re gone, I’m here, and I’m nowhere closer to figuring out how I’m supposed to live the next 50 or so years without you.  Sometimes I’ll be driving down the road lost in my head thinking ‘how the hell.’ Honestly, how the hell does the universe expect me to go on. I seriously can’t picture the rest of my life because you were such a huge part of that picture. Instead of there being a whole in the picture I had, there isn’t one at all.

So yeah, I started to lose it and got pretty close actually. I didn’t want the moment to be about me at all though, so I tried to wipe the tears away before they were seen. I was incredibly unsuccessful at that though. There were a few attempts at hugs but I pulled away each time. They only make me cry more.

Hopefully I’ll be in a better place tomorrow. I need to get a closer look at that baby. I have to see up close how big an 11-pound baby looks.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Wonder if it will ever change.

Hi –

It’s been almost 11 months and everyday more than once I still think; ‘I should call you and tell you about this.’

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Rock on America!

Hi –

It occurred to me this weekend that I can no longer utter the plea ‘I want my Mommy.’ Well, I can utter it. I just wont get the desired outcome. There were a couple times when Carly was completely miserable and all she wanted was her Mommy. Because in those moments, no one is better.

Don’t get me wrong, if I was bleeding profusely from a giant gapping hole, or spending the night in the hospital the only person for the job is good ole Dad. But if I’ve got a serious cold or I’m feeling miserable nothing works better then a good curl up with you. There was that space between your neck and boob where my head fit perfectly and all was made better. You also heat up store bought chicken noodle soup like no one else, and made rice with cinnamon and sugar like a rock star.

So yeah, feeling a little down and out with that realization.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

PS – check out how many times I said ‘utter’. GO ME!

Some midnight musings...

Hi –

For some reason all I could think about today was how all I ever really wanted for my life was to grow up, be happy, get married, have some kids, and live a relatively normal boring life. Going grocery shopping on Sundays, planning out my weekly meals, having a general idea of what my week would look like with some exciting moments thrown in for the weekend. It seemed to work so well for you, so it was what I always wanted, and I thought it made sense. I feel like one of the main things that I’ve been missing out on with all this crap is the way you would have talked me through these moments. Telling me how at 27 you didn’t have any of this figured out yet either. How you were living with Randi and Rab, drinking too much, smoking too much, and where nowhere near the house with 2.5 kids and a dog you didn’t want to begin with.

Can you also explain to me please how I’m 27 and I’ve never been in love or even close to it? How will I know what it is when it finally comes along? Who’s going to tell me? For a second in time I thought, maybe that I was seeing the beginning of something that could have been it, but it never quite got off the ground. Maybe I had it all wrong. It feels like I’ll never know.

As you can see I’m currently throwing myself a pity party of 1. Not sure where it’s coming from because I was really productive today, and feel awesome about it. Who knows, maybe it’s from everything happening with Carly. I’ve never really seen a loved one suffer before first hand. It’s brutal. Obviously its way worse for her, but sitting there next to her knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to make her feel better sucks. Royally. It doesn’t help either that its been one thing after another. She literally hasn’t had a break of all this since early May.

Not much to do about it except continue to be there, keep showing up, whether she wants you there or not. So that is what I shall do. Because there is no getting rid of me.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“What if I said yes

What if I'd gone out that night

What if you'd turned left

And everything would've turned out alright

What if I spoke up

What if I took the keys

What if I had tried a little harder

Instead of always trying to please

Joey, I'm so sorry

Oh can you hear me?

Joey, I'm so sorry

What if I said no

What if we never fell in love

What if we'd gone slow

Or a little bit faster and broken up

Would I know this hurt

Would I feel this pain

Do you know that with all I have left in my very last breath

I will call your name

Were you sad, were you scared, did you whisper a prayer to be free

Was it quiet and cold, was it light or too dark to see

And did you reach for me”

Can't a girl catch a break??

Hi –

The things that have gone down this week are a little unbelievable if I do say so myself. Had I not been there to see them happening, I would think I was making it all up. Between Carly’s broken leg, her seizure, and now this hospital stay and kidney infection you would think she really pissed someone off in a former life. If I believed in all that stuff, which I’m not really sure I do anymore. But it really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense if you ask me. You would think the universe would want to cut the girl some slack, but instead they keep sending things her way. I can only hope it’s in the idea that she does all the crappy stuff now, and lives a long pleasant rest of her life.

What do I know though.

I’m going to catch up on some of my much-needed sleep now. I just wanted to say Hi since it had been a few days.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…The dog days are done

Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

And I never wanted anything from you

Except everything you had

and what was left after that too, oh”…