"Down the rabbit hole", a metaphor for adventure into the unknown

Hi –

The Oprah from yesterday was really good. It was Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman talking about their various projects at the moment. Oprah saw an advanced screening of ‘Rabbit Hole’ and she said it was really good. I really want to see it, but I can tell it’s going to be a huge tearjerker. There is this one scene in the trailer where Nicole’s character is at grief counseling for losing her child and someone says ‘G-d just needed another angel.’ And Nicole’s response is ‘he’s G-d, why didn’t he just make one himself.’ And its totally right, why doesn’t he? Why do people use that for as a platitude for what just happened? It doesn’t work, believe me.

Oprah also said ‘Rabbit Hole’ was kind of funny and you know what death is sort of funny. It's the most ridiculous thing that has ever happened to me. You were a healthy woman, there's no reason for it.

You find yourself doing and saying things you normally wouldn't. And everyone let's you get away with it because your mom just died. It's weird. I never pushed it to see how far I could have taken it, but I'm sure it would have been far.

Then when you make a joke or laugh or act normal people think it's too soon, they might look at you in a different way. Any joke you say or make about the person people get appalled and don't know how to respond.  There has been more than one occasion where I just wanted to blurt out ‘my moms dead’ in the middle of a conversation. I’m sure that would have gone over well.

The things that were normal about your life no longer are. If you were the one in your friend group who was the one everyone could lean on or go to for advice it stops immediately. No one wants to burden you or add to your problems. Funny thing is you being dead isn’t a problem it's a fact of life and it's not changing. You being gone doesn't mean that all my personality traits are gone. I’m still the same person; just have some scars and battle wounds.

It's all just really strange and a little bit funny.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“I’ve grown tired of holding this pose


I feel more like a stranger each time I come home”

One of life’s million questions

Hi –

Why are commonly used security questions – mother’s maiden name and mother’s birth date?

Thanks for the smack in the face credit card company.

That’s all.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Man, I love me some Garth Brooks.

Hi –

Not as much as Trisha, but he’s definitely up there. I’m watching Oprah from last week and Garth was on. I told Dad we are going to one of his shows at Wynn, whether he was a willing participant or not.

I was thinking today do you think I’ll ever fill the void I have? Will I fall in love one day and that will fill it? Will the love I have for everyone else in my life slowly fill it? Will Matt, Dad, and I fill it for each other? Or will it just be there forever and instead of ever being filled back up with love it will always be filled with longing for what I’ve been robbed of?

Just curious is all.

24 hours later, I’ve had my first hunger pain post wingpalooza.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

Only because Garth is on my TV singing it right now:

“Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared beneath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end, the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything

For a moment wasn't I a king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all

Yes my life, it's better left to chance

I could have missed the pain 

I may never eat Buffalo Wings again, probably not though.

Hi –

I have to say – I’ve had a really good weekend. It was jam packed with activities, that were mostly unplanned, which for me is usually a little hard to do – but it was great. I slept a lot, ate a lot, hung out with Lizzie a lot, and laughed a lot. It was pretty remarkable if you ask me.

I’m all caught up on Weeds and that Nancy Botwin, she’s a genius. Got her self in seriously sticky situation there at the end, but that’s her. We’re besties obviously.

I went and saw Burlesque with Amanda today. I have to say it was way better than I was expecting. I was really going for the music numbers and not expecting more, but it was a decent movie. Besides who doesn’t love themselves some Cher. And James Brolin was in it – that was unexpected. Mr. Streisand himself.

There is a moment in the movie when it takes a sappy turn. Christina Aquilera characters mom died when she was 7. In this one scene she says ‘there’s not a day that goes by where something happens that I don’t want to run to tell her’ and it’s true. The longing might dissipate some, but I’ll always want to tell you things. Always.

For instance, I ate 25 buffalo chicken wings today. For no good reason besides Lizzie didn’t think I could. I definitely proved her wrong, and then some. It was definitely a difficult thing to do. I had a good pace going and wings 1-17 were easy enough; 18-22 were pretty difficult. I was starting to sweat and burp some. I could see things going either way. Then I got in this crazy zone and plowed through 23-25.  After it was all over though I wasn’t as full as I expected to be, but I definitely could have curled up at the table and napped a while. If the entire thing wasn’t gross enough, after I was done I had a surprising craving for ice cream.  I also felt really bad about myself; it was very similar to the feeling you get after going out on a drinking binge for an evening. I was proud that I could eat 25 wings, but at the same time a little grossed out with myself – that would be the one thing I’m talented at – eating.

I’ve found in the last few days that the whole you being gone thing is getting increasingly more unbelievable. I think its because time has continued to go on and you’re still gone so any possibility of this all being not true is slipping more and more away. I’ve come to realize that there are 2 levels of sorts to believing what happened. Intellectually I know its true. I know that you’re gone. But in my heart, in my gut, in the bottle of my soul I don’t quite get it.

I don’t think the 5 steps of death and dying are exactly what I’m talking about, because I’m not angry, I’m not bargaining with God, I'm not in complete denial about it. I’ve accepted it as a truth about my life, but I haven’t accepted it as a truth about myself yet.  Who knows.

I’m going to go now and attempt to somehow help my body digest the 25 chicken wings. Lizzie gave me some home remedy Italians have for aiding in digestion, I’m going to give that a go.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

A 4am thought from a tired mind.

Hi –

I saw a friend of a friend at a bar tonight. When she was gazing off into space, stealing a moment to herself she had sad eyes. Some of the saddest I have ever seen. There was something there bubbling below the surface, fighting her tooth and nail to come out. One word, touch, or glance in the wrong direction and I could see everything spilling over. 

I wonder if that’s what my eyes look like when I think no one is watching.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“Sad eyes never lie”

What exactly are you thankful for? Tough question.

Hi –

Happy Thanksgiving. I guess you could say it’s the first ‘real’ holiday. There was Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah but they came up so quickly that I don’t think anyone had processed anything yet. I haven’t made it a point to be home for Thanksgiving since I left for college, so for me it was just another year really. I’m sure for Dad, Grandma, and Randi it’s a completely different story. Especially seeing as how our house was everyone’s Turkey Day destination.

The thing about this year is that originally Dad and Grandma were supposed to come up and we were all going to Boston. That obviously didn’t happen with Dad having some random viral infection and all. He’s totally fine, but when I first heard all I could think was, ‘really, you’ve got to be kidding me. How exactly is this happening.’ I’m sure everyone had the same reaction.

I’m going to spend the day tomorrow at Lulu’s and I’m pretty stoked about it. I like the store. It’s warm and inviting. A comfortable place to spend the day.

Love you forever, miss you always,

Rachel 

"Christopher Robin and I walked along

Under branches lit up by the moon

Posing our questions to Owl and Eeyore

As our days disappeared all too soon

But I've wandered much further today than I should

And I can't seem to find my way back to the Wood

So help me if you can

I've got to get back to the house

At Pooh Corner by one

You'd be surprised, there's so much to be done

Count all the bees in the hive

Chase all the clouds from the sky

Back to the days of

Christopher Robin and Pooh

Winnie the Pooh doesn't know what to do

Got a honey jar stuck on his nose

He came to me asking help and advice

And from here no one knows where he goes

So I sent him to ask of the Owl

If he's there

How to loosen a jar

From the nose of a bear

So help me if you can

I've got to get back to the house

At Pooh Corner by one

You'd be surprised, there's so much to be done

Count all the bees in the hive

Chase all the clouds from the sky

Back to the days of

Christopher Robin and Pooh"

And the Mirror Ball Trophy goes to...

Hi –

For some strange reason I find myself completely enthralled with this season of ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ I’ve always enjoyed the show because I love to watch people dance, but there is something about this season. Every Tuesday I find myself watching the dances from Monday first thing in the morning. The only reason I can come up with is I think you might have been mildly interested as well. I know you wouldn’t have watched it religiously or anything, (you never really watched reality TV), but I know we would have talked about it somewhat. I mean Jennifer Grey was in this season, baby herself, we would have gossiped about her for sure. If not Bristol Palin. The only reason this is even on my mind is because I’ve actually just stopped the 'Good Wife' from recording so that I could watch the last 20 minutes of the Dancing Finale. I was also recording ‘Sons of Anarchy’ and there was NO way I was stopping that. I apparently JUST need to know.

Moving on though. The past 2 days have been particularly annoying and more than once I thought I was going to lose it. There was this moment were I was beyond annoyed at something Harry Potter related, completely overwhelmed with my to do list, and completely occupied by thoughts of you that I started to breathe a little deeper and I could feel my thoughts being pulled towards this empty place. I felt like I was back standing in front of Ghirardelli on the phone with Uncle Skippy. Then just as quickly it was gone and I was back staring at my email annoyed with work again.

Good news – Jennifer Grey won Dancing with the Stars.  All is right in the world. I’m going to watch Son’s now.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

Really…you’ve got to be kidding me with this

Hi

There is literally nothing that that is not pissing me off right now. Nothing!

The fact that it’s a balmy 60 degrees outside, when yesterday I was freezing my ass off is pissing me off. The fact that the 3 cheaper washing machines were being used, 2 of which weren’t going anymore, pisses me off. The fact that I have to use public washers and dryers and not have them conveniently located in my apartment pisses me off on a daily basis.  The fact that I was at work until 8 because of Harry Potter, which I used to enjoy, pisses me off.

Like I said literally nothing.

Just thought I would share that.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

Opal, Latin for ‘opalus’ means precious jewel.

Hi –

I was at an art show this weekend and more than once I was complimented on your opal. How it was the biggest some people had ever seen, or how it was the most clear others had seen. It’s a very surreal moment.

Someone compliments me, and my response is always; ‘Thank you, it was my mom’s.’ I then zone out of the conversation and spend the rest of the time wondering if they think you passed it onto me in a mother daughter moment we shared. Or if they realize its because you are no longer here, and now its mine.

I always wonder what goes through someone’s mind. If they know what ‘it was my mom’s’ really means.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

3 months to the day, time marches on

Hi –

It’s been 3 months to the day.

I was talking to some people today about this fact. They were saying how proud they were of how I’m doing. It’s an interesting statement if you ask me. This is not something that right now I would want to be praised for. The things I’ve done in the last 3 months are not necessarily things I would have done otherwise.

If I try to think back to how I would have reacted to something like this, I’m confident it would have been completely different. First off, I’m pretty sure I would have thought I would have picked up my life and moved back home to the house to be with Dad. I would have assumed it would be my gut reaction. I’m nowhere near that at the moment. I’m definitely all about moving to be closer to him and Grandma, but not back home. I don’t think it would be good for him or me if I were being really honest with myself. I think we would find ourselves caught in this unhealthy situation of being each other’s crutch. Instead of finding our way back to father and daughter.

I’m also pretty confident I would have expected to be a complete mess, and yet I’m the farthest thing from it. Which I’m sure is both good and bad. As Judith would say I'm ‘detached.’

I’m living the whole ‘fake it, till you make it’ concept. And I’ve found in recent days and weeks that not only have I ‘made it,’ but I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing. The past two weeks at work have been completely insane. I’m 150% over worked, with things falling through the cracks because of how under staffed we are, and I love every minute of it. I could easily become a workaholic. You get so consumed by your to do list and next task, that you forget about the current state of your life. It’s actually quite nice.

It’s now 11:30 pm 3 months later. I’m here in the dark of my room in NYC with the TV on mute typing this up. The only sounds are the sirens outside, and the click of my fingers on the keyboard. It’s a bit relaxing, and a bit over whelming. My thoughts are moving much faster than my fingers could ever hope to keep up with. For the moment my head is quiet. The grief and intense feelings of missing you still come over me in waves. They roll in, and sometimes quickly roll back out. Other times it lingers holding onto the corners of my mind and I catch myself staring off into space. When they finally retreat, I think I should call Randi or Rab. It’s been more days than I would like since I've talked to either of them last. I never call though and I can never explain why I don’t because I'm not sure of the reason myself. Whatever stops me from calling them is the same thing that stops me from calling Grandma or Diane. Maybe in some way that only I understand by not calling them I give off the vibe that I’m OK. And if I don’t call, and don’t talk, then I can pretend they are OK too.

The truth is none of us are OK. We are all just here. Dealing. 3 months later. Having our good moments and our bad. Wanting to share them with someone else, but too stuck in ourselves at the moment.

I’m going to go to sleep now. Dream away this day, and wake up when it’s been 3 months plus 1 day.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Time heals

Time heals

Time heals all wounds

But how much time

Can you afford to lose

Having a cleverless moment - this shall remian titleless.

Hi -

In a moment of complete frusteration and annoyance I dialed your number, needing to talk to you. Needing to vent and yell and scream.

I hung up quickly, knowing there was going to be nothing for me on the other end.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

"In an Mmmbop they're gone...."

Hi –

Tory is letting Hanson change her life and I have to admit I might be as well. Apparently they are trying to make a come back, which good for them. They should come back from 'MMMBop'. I’ve never listened to them though so I’m going to pretend 'MMMBop' doesn’t exist.

She’s in love with this song ‘A Song to Sing’ and I might be too. Or I’m just totally obsessed with Tory and think she’s awesome and want to be just like her. This may or may not be more true than loving Hanson, because I do think she’s awesome. And I’m in love with her tumblr (http://amillionlittlefireflies.tumblr.com/).

I’m pretty sure the song is about searching for something or someone, someone to lead you through --

"I'm looking for a song to sing,

Looking for a friend to borrow.

I'm looking for my radio.

So I might find a heart to follow."

Through out everything that has just happened I keep finding myself yearning for just that. Someone who might have gone through something just like me; something so completely unexpected, life-shattering, life-changing, worst moment ever. A daughter who lost not only her mother, but her best friend. A daughter who lost everything in a single moment, and is trying to rebuild on unstable ground. I’m constantly searching for that person. Yes there are the daughters who were given final months to say goodbye, or daughters who for their own reasons didn’t want to say goodbye. I have yet to meet the daughter who can share the unexpected punch in the gut with. I’m searching for her.  

Love you forever, miss you always,
Rachel

“Goodbye four leaf clovers.

Hello gone awry

Don't cry the fight ain't over

Unless you let it pass you by

I'm looking for a song to sing,

Looking for a friend to borrow.

I'm looking for my radio.

So I might find a heart to follow.

I've never been this

Longing for your lovin'

I've never been so

Wearin' down to nothin'

I've never been just

Looking for a reason.

So maybe you've been thinkin'

Of me.

Oh...

You've been thinking of me.

All that I have found in reason,

Is reason just to not believe.

And all that you are left is treason.

Is treason just to let I be.

I'm looking for a song to sing,

Looking for a friend to borrow.

I'm looking for my radio.

So I might find a heart to follow.”

Ole Blue Eyes

Hi

There are moments where everything is quiet and my mind is still that I have to remind myself you’re gone. There are times that I honestly wonder when was the last time I talked to you. Where for just a split second I forget.

I’m not sure what’s worse – the part where I’ve forgotten and for a split second everything falls back into its place? Or the part where I have to break my heart again?

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

"Here's that rainy day

They told me about

And I laughed at the thought

That it might turn out this way"

Come Some Rainy Day

Hi,
It feels like it was yesterday, it feels like it was a lifetime ago, it also feels like it's a nightmare I can't wake up from. Then every once in a while it feels like a harsh dose of reality smacking me in the face.

In the book I'm reading they talk about how a lot times as soon as a loved one dies the persons name because a bad word. One that could cause an entire room to immediately go quiet. Or a person to completely shut down. I'm really glad that hasn't happened here. I think and say your name often. I still say parents when referring to just about anything. I can't imagine how a person could remove a word from their
vocabulary with the turn of a coin. But then again a lot of things have happened recently that I can't imagine. I would have never imagined being here.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

"We move on
Put those dreams away
Hoping that we'll find them
Come some rainy day
How could I know
That everything would change
Except the way I miss you
Come some rainy day

I'll sit and laugh with friends
At what we've all been through
But I still catch my breath
When someone mentions you"

The Girl in the Purple Scarf

Hi –

That was me today. Apparently that last time I wore my purple scarf I also spritzed myself with your perfume so all day I was smelling you. It was nice.

Saw the Judester today. I always think about not going to her anymore, but then the next thing I know it’s less than 24 hours till my next appointment and that’s to late to cancel, so I go.

We were having a really good session I thought. There was the usual give and take, the conversation was moving along nicely. Then we get to a lull and she brings up the boy thing again. I had told her earlier how I’m pretty set on moving to Orlando, so during the lull her prompt to me was something along the lines of, ‘do you think moving to Orlando will lead to you dating more’ or something equally as ridiculous. It’s just frustrating because I’m not sure how many other ways I can tell this woman that I don’t make decisions based on the prospect of meeting a man. I’ve never been like that. And I doubt that now – 26 years into my life I’m going to change.

Perhaps I’m looking at this whole thing the wrong way. Maybe this is the way that the world things about things. Most women make decisions based off men, and vice versa. That would make me one of the exceptions and Judy’s questions normal.

Is that really the case? That the majority of women in this world make life decisions based on the hope that they will meet a tall dark and handsome man. That makes me a bit sad about the state of women in the world.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

I couldn't agree more

Hi -

Sometimes other people say it best.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

"I might bite my lip
Look down at my shoes
I might clench my fist
Or just leave the room

But, I'm not gonna cry
Not one single drop
Cause once I get started out
I may never stop

I might even laugh
Right in your face
When you come out and ask
If I'll be okay

But, I'm not gonna cry
Not one single drop
Cause once I get started out
I may never stop.

It's gonna take an act of God and all I got
To keep the first tear from falling down
But, if I don't hold the waters back
The dam is gonna crack,
And I'll be damned if I'm gonna drown.

So, I'm not gonna cry,
If that's what you thought.
Cause once I get started out, I may never stop.

So, I might bite my lip, look down at my shoes."

I'm beyond your peripheral vision

Hi –

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just an average person. That sounds really horrible, but everyone wants to believe that they are special. That there is something about them that makes then unique and special in their own way. Obviously there are people in this world who would say that I am; you would have. But you also wouldn’t have filled my head with ridiculousness and untruthful things. I know I’m not going to grow up to be the next Barbra Streisand with a voice that would make people cry. Or win an Oscar anytime soon. But I wonder if there is something special and unique about me. I don’t really feel that there is. And I don’t mean it in a way to get sympathy from people. But I’m not going to cure cancer one day, discover come un-charted territory, or change the face of anything really. I’m just going to continue along this life that I have doing nothing exceptional I think. And I might be OK with that. I might not. I’m a bit torn.

Hopefully one day I’ll get married and have kids and I guess that would fall under the category of doing something exceptional – giving the gift of life. But that’s something millions of people do all the time.

I think perhaps filling people’s heads with the unobtainable goal that they might do something really insanely special when they don’t have the capacity to do it might be a dis-service to them. I know I'm not going to cure cancer, because I'm not smart enough too. That’s an extremely honest truth about me. I’m not the smartest kid in the room, never was. I like to say I’m the hardest working kid though. But hardworking doesn’t make you special. It makes you tired.

I don’t think we should go around dashing all little kids hopes and dreams. Kalel should believe that he can do anything he wants to, or at least whatever he sets his mind too. But at the same time there will come a moment, probably when he’s around 18 when he might realize that no matter how much he wants to be a rock star, he actually might not be able to sing.

I don’t know, I'm rambling. I’ve been in a melancholy mood all day and now I'm sharing it. Perhaps I shouldn’t be doing that. I mean I know I'm one of a kind – that there really isn’t anyone quite like me out there in the world but that’s not because I'm ‘special’. I think that’s more because I'm completely ridiculous and neurotic and random and special in the way that has you ending up in a padded room.

I don’t know. I do know I miss you.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“I’m a poster girl with no poster.

I’m 32 flavors and then some”

Four simple words

Hi-

Sometimes I want to stand on the rooftop and scream my mom is dead. My mom is dead. 4 simple words but the 4 most powerful i've ever said. There have never been a more defining 4 words ever. My mom is dead. They are self explanatory. There are no other words needed ever. If all i ever said for the rest of my life was my mom is dead it would be enough and too much all at the same time.

They are the most difficult and still the easiest words I've ever said.

The story of my life now starts with 4 simple words, 'my mom is dead.'

Sometimes out of nowhere I'll close my eyes and picture your tiny little face. Your hair that you were trying to grow out and I hated. Your cheeks with their peach fuzz. I close my eyes and beg for one more day, one more conversation, one more 'I love you,' one more 'I'm proud of you,' one more anything.

I just want one more anything.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

We could not talk or talk forever

Hi –

I went and saw Dr. Lee again yesterday. It was actually a good session I thought, at least for the first 30 minutes or so. The conversation was flowing nicely and moving along, we were talking and discussing and it was a definite give and take. Then of course I was done. I didn’t really have anything else to share so the last 15 minutes or so we just stared at each other making a comment here and there.

She brought up the detached thing again, which I’m sure she is right about. I probably am super detached. I find myself in complete disbelief of the situation. It’s not that I don’t believe it, because I do. I understand that this is the truth about my life, but it just doesn’t make any sense. I’m not in denial about it; I’m just in disbelief.

We also talked about how I don’t like to talk about my feelings, or my thoughts, or how I’m dealing. How my whole process is not talking. I’m not not talking, in an effort of full avoidance, but I don’t see how talking helps. This is something that will never change. This isn’t something that a conversation and a hug will fix. This isn’t something to be fixed. This is it. This is my new truth, forever.

This is also something that I don’t want to share with other people because it’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and by far the most painful. I don’t want those around me to ever feel that pain, my caretaker gene didn’t magically turn off because of what happened. I don’t see how sitting down with a friend and talking about this, sharing some tears, a hug, maybe a drink will make me feel better. This isn’t something that a good cry will change. This isn’t something that after a good conversation and some uplifting words I will feel better about. This just is.

The only talking I like is not about anything specific. Just regular old normal conversations. I also like being around people who miss you just as much as me. There’s a silent understanding that happens. I can’t explain it, and I can’t duplicate it. But being near people whose heart is just as heavy as mine helps.

Here on this blog, writing to you helps. For right now, for me, that’s enough.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

It was too good to be true.

Hi –

I’m annoyed. I feel beyond deserving and entitled to all the things I want and yet they are not coming to me. Why is that.

That might make me sound like a brat but I can’t help it. I would very much like a break here. I don’t think the things I’m asking for are that un-realistic. I’m not asking for a million dollars or anything. Just a leg up in the world.

Oh well.

Love you forever, miss you always.

"If ice cream and alcohol were gonna work at all I'd be better by now"

Those crazy Barenaked Ladies are Canadian. Who knew.

Hi –

I used to want to submit you for those ‘I have the best Mom’ contests, because I always thought I had the best mom.  I still do. I mean I thought you were awesome, as did most people. You could have won I’m sure.  The thing that always kept me from doing it was I thought you wouldn’t want it. That you would think it was silly.

I always found it really interesting how on shows like Oprah, The Today Show, The View, Dateline, etc any of those talk shows / news magazine shows, they always highlighted mothers who went and did something life changing. The mother who saved her children from a burning building or the mother who gave her child a kidney. They never talk about the mom who doesn’t do anything remarkable in terms of one single event, but does something every day. The mom who gets up every morning, gets her family up, goes to work all day long, comes home and makes dinner, helps with homework, and then does it all again the next day. The mom who raised really great kids who became upstanding members of society. The mom who created the home that all the friends wanted to hang out at, because it was comfortable and safe. The mom who always made a special dish for her daughter’s best friend who was on some random eating kick. How come the shows never highlighted her? Because she existed; she wasn’t some unreachable entity; she was you.

In most of the things I read about death, the majority of the surviving family members sadness comes from having left things unsaid. I can honestly say I’m 100% positive that’s not the case with me. I’m positive you knew I thought you were amazing, and that if I was half the mom you were I would have been fine with that.  So I don’t feel like I left things unsaid.

I’m also pretty sure I’m not falling into the trap where the surviving people glorify the person who has passed away. Where you start to forget all the things that used to annoy you about the person or that you always hated. I don’t think I’m doing that either. I’m just doing.

I’ll have to run this by Dr. Lee tomorrow. I forgot to cancel my appointment with 24 hours notice so it looks like I’m going back.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

What ever happened to the Barenaked Ladies?

Hi

I feel as if I might have accepted the current truth of my life all too quickly.

Is that possible?

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“I think it's getting to the point
Where I can be myself again”