Thoughts from a castle on a cloud

Hi –

There is something about flying. Something about those hours spent on a plane where you are completely cut off from all forms of communication. I love it. Hours to yourself where you can do nothing but be with yourself. Sure you can watch TV or movies. Talk to people next to you. Sleep. Work. Etc. Whatever you want to do its up to you. It’s your own time. You’re in some sort of bubble all your own.  You are able to let your mind just wander.

Not to mention the fact that you are traveling thousands of miles in a matter of hours. It’s pretty cool.

So I’m on this plane, headed to Boston to spend 3 days with Sara. I’m super excited about it, especially since I haven’t seen her since august. She’s managed to buy a house, get a dog, a new car, and become pregnant. She’s been super duper busy.  Baby Rosenthal will be here in early august and I can’t wait.

In other news I’ve been making plans and wrapping my head around some pretty big ideas. Working on my threshold moment so to speak. It’s weird though, I’ve made these plans and these decisions but they don’t take effect for at least a month now so I’m in this weird holding spot. Living the day to day, but not “living” it.  Not sure if that makes sense.

I’m terrified of my big plans though. On one hand that’s good. Being scared is good. It means a) I’m not a cold hearted person who can’t feel (not that I really ever believed that entirely) and b) that I’m 75% sure I’m making the right decisions and plans. If you only ever went through life doing things that didn’t make you scared I would imagine no one would ever do anything.

The 25% of me that’s not sure is just that – not sure. Some days I’ll be sitting in meetings talking about merchandise and art and product development and it clicks. I get it. It makes sense. I feel like a valued member of a team, and I want to keep doing it. I want to finish out what I'm working on, see it come to fruition, and work on the next thing. Then there are the other days where I'm frustrated and annoyed and doing things I don’t want to be doing. Working on things I don’t want to work on. There are days where all I want to do is flip a table and call it quits.

Terrified and torn.

Good news is though the 75% of me that is sure is winning. Plans have been made. Seeds planted. Wheels in motion. (insert more cliche statements here) All that’s left is to actually jump. I would say wish me luck but I'm not sure luck is what I want. What I want is peace, healing, inspiration, desire, clarity, love, stimulation, gratitude, emotion. The things I’ve had fleeting glimpses of in my life, but never for longer then minutes at a time.

I want a full life.

Love you forever. Miss you always.

Rachel

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment….

Hi,

Tonight I went to a performance of Loi’s and I was in awe of her the entire time. Not only did she get up in front of a crowd of half uninterested people and sing her heart out but she's found the courage and strength to do what she loves. She's so passionate about singing and song writing. You can see it on her face as she sings. She throws her head back with her eyes closed and just belts it out.  It's an inspiring thing to watch. She loses her self completely.

You know what I lose myself in? A 48-page document of testing standards and protocols. Trying to figure out what the legal levels of cadmium, lead, and phthalates are. Or how many times you can wash a kids shirt before it can fade and pill.

This is not how I pictured my life. Problem is I’ve lost the picture I once had. I’ve lost myself. I’m just lost.

Maybe I’m taking a time out and with you somewhere. Resting. I should probably tag myself back in soon, huh?

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…I was dead with deciding - afraid to choose

I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose

But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move

And trust that the timing is right

Yes and hold it up to the light…”