Delayed thoughts from high on a cloud

Hello Gorgeous,

After multiple boarding attempts, some de-boarding, and some drinks at the bar I am currently on my way to NYC for the weekend. No real plan except to see Keenan and make sure he knows who Aunt Rachel is and where all those awesome clothes are coming from. Hang out with Ila and hear all about childbirth – amongst other things. See Elissa and Eva and again make sure she knows where those clothes are coming from as well. I fully intend to buy these children’s love and feel excellent about it. But yeah – weekend visit with no plans. LOVE IT!!! Should be less stressful and fool of some quality hangout time. Which after the past few weeks is much needed.

Things in my world are finally back to being non-soap operaie – hopefully for an extended period of time. I met Dad at an Applebee’s in Fort Pierce to switch cars and ‘talk’. I think it went well. I said things I needed to – and hopefully he did as well. I’ve been saying things to him lately that I feel I need to. I think its going well. There have been some tears, which are probably for the best – shows I’m expressing emotions properly I guess.  Who knows? In the words of the one and only Meridith, “there is nothing about this that says you don’t need to be in therapy.”

Meridith and I have also come to the conclusion that we SERIOUSLY need men in our lives. It’s getting bad. Only problem is I literally have no idea how to go about meeting one. I guess it’s my own fault for looking for a decent guy and not just Joe Schmoe from the bar. Him I could find. Too bad I don’t want him. I guess the problem is what if Joe Schmoe from the bar turns out to be a decent guy? How will I know? How will I know if he really loves me?  How will I know if he really cares?

And on that note I’m going to excuse myself to use the restroom because I had had quite a few beers and now have to pee. Sorry chick in the aisle seat.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Random memory…

Hi,

Remember when you and Dad drove me up to college and I cried the entire 6-hour plus car ride? Yeah that was awesome.

Dad was sitting in the backseat working, you drove, and we listened to Trisha the entire way. I just sat in the passenger seat singing along and crying.  Then we stayed at the downtown Doubletree for the night, and you and I went walking the streets looking for a gas station that sold cards so we could play Spite-and-Malice – which thinking back not sure why we ever thought that was a good idea.  But thankfully we found them, and were able to play a few games.

Anyway  - that memory popped in my head. I was watching ‘Modern Family’ and it was about the older daughter going away to college. Just made me think I guess.

Looking back - outside of the whole unstoppable crying and things, not a bad way to spend the night before going to college. Hanging with you.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Dear Ndugu...

Hi,

I’ve decided that I’m going to take the child rearing approach to counting the time since you’ve been gone. Which makes today 14 months. Not a year and 2 months, but 14 months. I always think it’s interesting that until a kid is 2 years old you count the age by months. I don’t really get it – but I think its ok because I’m not a mom. I’m sure once I have a kid and I’m counting their age I’ll know why I tell people that he’s 18 months old and not a year and a half.

So yeah – 14 months. If we were in fact talking about a child’s development at 14 months I would mention how my kid was eating with his fingers, waving bye, and standing without any help. I mean I would just be praising my kid nonstop, because of course he would actually be ahead in his development and on the track for an 18 month milestone such as using a spoon and fork nicely and having the soft spot on his head closed up.

And I might have taken that too far. 

I guess we can see where my head is at the moment. I was just having a conversation with Sara about how I don’t understand how I go from where I am in my life right now to being an adult (because I believe myself to only be faking it) with a husband, and children and things. So I would very much like to ask you these questions. Amongst others.

In other news work is blowing up and I’m loving every minute of it. Work is one of the only places I feel in control of things. Keeping busy, not thinking about you, or dad, or life, really puts me in a much better place mentally. So that’s something.

Also, I’m pretty awesome at the game ‘Squeeze Its’ that Rosie played today on her new show. So I’ve got that going for me.

Sorry this was not at all interesting, but some of our conversations went that way – they can’t always be gems.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

cracks galore

Hi –

So it would appear that early on after everything happened I took on too much. I pushed down everything that was bubbling over in me and concerned myself with making sure everyone else was ‘OK’. Well it seems that I may be paying the price for that now – so that’s awesome.

I’ve described myself in the past as being selfless to a fault of my own, and I’ve decided that it stops now. It’s actually really hard for me to stop thinking of everyone else. To stop watching what I say and do because of how it will affect other people.  This should prove to be interesting that’s for sure.

Back to therapy I go.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…'There are cracks, cracks, in everything, that's how the light gets in…”

Next week on Dallas…

Hi Mom,

Lets play another round of word association.

You: What would you say the last few days have been like?

Me: a Soap Opera

Was that as much fun as last time? Because that is definitely what has been going on – Soap Opera like things.  All that’s missing is Stefano Dimera bringing you back from the dead. That would be pretty awesome though – definitely put a different spin on the situation that’s for sure.

I hope that you are proud of the way I have handled these last few days and their revelations. I want to move forward and make the right choices and say the right things. I want to move threw this pain and come through the other side a better person for it. I want for a lot of things apparently.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother what will I be

Will I be pretty?

Will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera sera

When I was just a child in school

I asked my teacher what should I try

Should I paint pictures?

Should I sing songs?

This was her wise reply

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera sera

When I grew up and fell in love

I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead

Will there be rainbows day after day

Here's what my sweetheart said

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera sera”

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies…

Hi,

Lets play word association right now.

You: Rachel, how do you feel today?

Me: hurt, angry, sad, full of despair, tired, nauseous, resentful, betrayed

You: um…ok. Now what?

Me: No earthly idea.

Was that fun?

Yesterday I was outside walking between my office buildings and I had a moment. The sun was shining, it was really nice outside, and all was quiet. My head cleared and all I thought was how did I get to this place.  How did this become my life? When the other shoe falls, it falls hard and fast and you don’t see it coming. And you can't know that it will continue to fall everyday over and over again. And no one tells you it’s really a steel-toed boot.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

Lost in something thats for sure...

Hi –

Reverie – noun. A state of being pleasantly lost in one’s thoughts; a daydream.

Pleasant is not the word I would use, but definitely lost in ones thoughts explains my life as of yet.

I think I might be ready to give this therapy thing a chance again. New year, new city, no dr. lee, anything is possible. My moods are swinging hard and fast in varying directions. That is never a good sign. So yeah – maybe I give this another chance.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

The same, but different, but the same, but still different...

Hi –

I just want things to be different. Same and different and better.  Mostly the same, but different somehow. You here now being the main one.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel