I wonder, wonder, wonder who....

Hi –

Every morning I wake up and for the first minute or so while I’m having the internal battle about whether to hit snooze one more time or not I think about you.  For that minute I don’t remember and all I can think about is talking to you again. Then the minute fades and it all comes crashing down. I tell myself I am Rachel Rosenthal, you are gone, and I do in fact need to get up.

Then I wonder how long till I no longer forget. If there will come a day when I don’t need to remind myself that this is my reality. Because I’ve got to say, it’s been a year and I still can’t wrap my brain around it.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…Well, sometimes I go out by myself

And I look across the water

And I think of all the things, what you're doing

And in my head I paint a picture…”

Gloria Steinem is rolling her eyes...

Hi –

In complete and utter amazingness Meridith and I have wasted the entirety of today. The fact that I didn’t wake up until 12:30 played a huge part in that. We spent some time watching ‘Date Night’. We spent some time making and eating delicious blueberry pancakes, which Tory joined us for. We watched ‘Nine’. I love when Marion Cotillard sings ‘My Husband Makes Movies’. We watched ‘I love you, Phillip Morris,’ which was interesting and a true story. The true story part makes it that much more interesting, otherwise it would just have been ridiculous. Now we are watching ‘The Town’, like I said we have outstandingly wasted this day. And more importantly I feel awesome about it.

Yesterday the crew of us went old school style dancing. It was for Meagan’s birthday, and it was actually a lot of fun. It was at this place called ‘Whirl and Twirl,’ where if you go an hour before the dance starts they teach you the dance for the evening. So we went, and we learned ‘The Charleston’. It was fun to sit back and watch the more experienced dancers dance. I would love to be able to do what they were doing. There was some talk about taking real classes; I hope that ends up happening.

I have to say though that for all my self proclaimed feminist ways, and for all my talk about how I don’t need a man to fix things for me, I still wanted to be asked to dance. There were women who were asking men, and everyone kept saying just go ask them, but I couldn’t. I just wanted to be asked. There’s something flattering about being asked to dance. It makes you feel pretty and interesting for that 3-minute song.

There were also these moments that I got to witness between Danny and Meagan, Loi and Marshall, and Carly and Richard; where they were off dancing in their own little married worlds. Talking and laughing, looking into each other’s eyes. It was really sweet to witness. You can see why they found each other. For those minutes in time they were alone, being themselves. Finding the same things funny, moving together as one. I was glad I got to see it.

OK ‘The Town’ is heating up now. I’m going to give Ben Affleck my full attention. It’s only right seeing as how he directed and acted in it. He worked hard for my enjoyment; it’s the least I can give him.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

“Some people stay far away from the door

If there's a chance of it opening up

They hear a voice in the hall outside

And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch

And the anger of having been a fool

They will not listen to anyone

So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself

I know you're thinking of somebody else

Someone who hurt you

But I'm not above

Making up for the love

You've been denying you could ever feel

I'm not above doing anything

To restore your faith if I can

Some people see through the eyes of the old

Before they ever get a look at the young

I'm only willing to hear you cry

Because I am an innocent man

I am an innocent man

Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe

Another promise they hear in the dark

Because they only remember too well

They heard somebody tell them before

Some people sleep all alone every night

Instead of taking a lover to bed

Some people find that it's easier to hate

Than to wait anymore

I know you don't want to hear what I say

I know you're gonna keep turning away

But I've been there and if I can survive

I can keep you alive

I'm not above going through it again

I'm not above being cool for a while

If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight

Some people figure they can never win

And although this is a fight I can lose

The accused is an innocent man

I am an innocent man

Oh yes I am

An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite

I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight

That's your decision

But I'm not below

Anybody I know

If there's a chance of resurrecting a love

I'm not above going back to the start

To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure

Some people just accept the world as it is

But I'm not willing to lay down and die

Because I am an innocent man"

Bruno Mars wrote a song about it...

Hi –

I think I might have become extremely lazy. Like way more than I ever was before. I’ve always been on the lazy side of things, but if I had something I needed to do or even wanted to do, I at least did it. Ot if there was something that was expected of me, I definitely did it. Now, not so much.

I keep putting off making a dentist appointment. I keep putting off phone calls. I still haven’t done anything with my 401K from Warner Bros. If it weren’t for my need of crazy pills I definitely wouldn’t have found a local doctor.

There’s this small part of me that feels well getting out of bed is hard enough every morning, I should really get a pass on the rest of this stuff. Is that wrong?

I’m thinking I might start telling people I’m reaching my full potential as a procrastinator. Or that I’ve become a member of the nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth. Totally sounds better than being selfish, or self absorbed.

But in all honesty, a pat on the back or some sort of recognition that I’m doing this whole ‘life’ thing right would do wonders for me.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Quotes, quotes, quotes…to the tune of shots, shots, shots.

Hi –

Sometimes other people say things way better than I ever could hope too.

Mitch Albom once wrote, “Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.” I would pretty much give my left big toe and give up my ability to balance for one more moment. Not a conversation, not an ‘I love you’, not for the chance to tell things you already knew like - you meant and will always mean the world to me. But I want one more moment where we would crawl into your bed, and I would curl up on your side, and we would watch some TV special that you recorded because you knew I would love every minute of it. Preferably some AFI special. I would even give it up for one more game of spite and malice and I would totally let you win.

Kitkat Pecson wrote the following, “I think of you in the in-between spaces. In the pause before the next heartbeat. In the clench of my chest before I exhale. In the swell of my courage before I say hello.” So, pretty much every minute, of every day, for the last year, and then some.

So yeah, there’s that stuff happening in my head today.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

365 days later....

Hi –

365 days, 8760 hours, 525 600 minutes, 31 536 000 seconds – thank you Google.

I feel like my life will forever be measured by this date. When you are younger the school year really dictates your life. As you get older you try to go by the calendar year, but the partier in you still thinks about spring break and summer vacation. Now though, all I can think about is the 18^th. At first it was the 18^th of each month, and now I feel like things will be measured by how many years ago you died.

I want to have some sort of peaceful feeling come over me tomorrow. I want to think well I did this for a year; I should be able to keep doing this. I don’t think that will happen. I think it only gets harder really. There is so much pressure put on the first year that the rest of the years are forgotten about really.  Right now you’ve only missed out on one birthday, one thanksgiving, one Hanukkah, one Passover. Next it will be two birthdays, 2 Passovers, and then 3, and soon 10. You will only miss out on more things, not less. The list I’m keeping in the back of my mind will only get longer. I don’t see how that will get any easier.

There was this brief moment on Monday when I felt the entire world falling apart. I was exhausted, and overly emotional. I was in Kahni’s kitchen with Meridith and Carly doing dishes. Or they were, I was half ass drying and putting things away. I left misplaced items all over Kahni’s kitchen, I’m sure she loved that. I was standing there goofing off, making jokes and comments getting quite the kick out of myself. Showing off my awesomely fantastic dance moves to no one, when Danny caught a glimpse of me through the kitchen window. I doubled over laughing at his face and my ridiculousness. I was laughing so hard that I started crying, and just like that I could feel these huge body-shaking sobs breaking through. Carly and Meridith were staring at me confused and slightly concerned. Tory and Lily came in to see what all the racket was about and there I was hunched over laughing, crying, and trying with all my power to get them to believe I was fine. That I was just tired and crying from laughing, and nothing more. This entire exchange happened in the span of a minute, but as I felt the sobs coming time froze. All I could think was ‘not now, not now. But wait yes now, yes now. This will be good for you, healthy, releasing. This will get ugly quick, push it down, push it down.’ Guess who won – down it all went. Into the black parts of my soul somewhere. I’ve had a headache ever since.

I think somewhere in the back of my mind I thought this year mark would never really come, so I didn’t think much about it. I never really believed you were really gone, and I still don’t. So the fact that tomorrow is a year doesn’t seem to make all that much sense to me.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how the day plays out. I’ve got big plans though. Kite flying in the morning, movie watching in the afternoon, and flank steak eating at night. Dad and Grandma are here to share in these activities as well. If nothing else at least we will all be together.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

It's been

Hi -

So it's been a year. I feel like something is supposed to feel different somehow. It doesn't. I still wake up needing to remind myself this is not my worst nightmare. This is the truth of my life. I still need to remind myself I can't call you after work and recount my days events. I still don't believe it. 

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

'A woman happily in love burns the souffle, a woman unhappily in love forgets to turn on the oven'

Hi –

I have this perfect memory of being on vacation and staying at an Embassy Suites with you, dad, and Sarah Hooker. It was one of those vacations where Matt didn’t come, so I got to take a friend instead. I’m not 100% sure where we were but I want to say it was when we did Sea World and Busch Gardens and ‘Baby shark, shark, shark’ came to be. Anyway, so I have this memory of all of us piled into the living room where we were staying in aka where Sarah and I were sleeping on a pull out couch, and you made us watch the remake of ‘Sabrina.’

I remember at the time being thoroughly confused why you were so pumped about the movie, and today I learned why. While the movie we watched was enjoyable enough, tonight I went and saw the original ‘Sabrina’ on the big screen, which was great. Side note, I love when people say “on the big screen”. Mainly because it’s only when referring to seeing old movies, because why would someone say I went and saw ‘Cowboys and Aliens’ on the big screen. Of course you did silly, how else would you have seen this brand new movie only out for a week. Perhaps I will start saying it to see people’s reactions. Anyway, back to the original story. After work I picked Carly up and we met up with Meridith in Winter Gardens, which is this cute little cobblestone street 2-block downtown area that has a really old theater that plays really old movies, hence the ‘Sabrina’ watching.

It was a lot of fun and I’m glad I went. It was this cute little old theater that has original movie theater seats that at first seem comfortable, but 20 minutes into it you realize it was all a lie and your butt is now numb. Where also the idea of - if you slope the floor people will be able to see from all seats still existed, and where I still can’t see if someone is in front of me. The theater didn’t get all the way pitch black, and there were little lights all over the ceiling that never went out. It was pretty magical if I do say so myself. Reminded me of the movie theater in NYC that Seema and I frequented.

The movie was pretty great though. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Especially when a thunderstorm started and the building was struck by lightening and the power went out. That was super awesome.

The other highlight of the evening came in the form of me making sure that Meridith drove Carly home so that I could spend the 30 minute drive listening to my book on tape. Yep you read that right. I made Meridith drive Carly home so that I could listen to ‘The Help’. I am in fact your daughter. I have not gotten to the point yet where I’m parked outside the house and listening. I’ll let you know when I get there. I’m sure it will be fairly soon. This is a pretty great book to date, and the readers are really good. On the other hand David Sedaris, not a good reader. I was previously listening to ‘Me Talk Pretty One Day’ and I had to stop. He is so monotone when he reads he was making me sleepy.

Speaking of being sleepy, I am. Off to bed I go now.

7 days till the year. That’s something I suppose.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

"...So I drive

And I think about my life

And wonder why that I slowly die inside..."

Post mortem anyone? – Part 2

Hi –

Picking up where I left off has me sleeping until 11 on Sunday and getting up in enough time to have a sideline seat as the luggage, wedding paraphernalia, and number of travelers were organized into 4 cars. It was entertaining enough I have to say. There were way more people than there should have been for the 4 cars. In the end it all worked out just fine, and we even stopped for some tasty burgers and one of the best chocolate shakes I have tasted. Some place called Gotts Roadside. It was like Shake Shack in NYC but the burgers were about twice as big, and the milkshake here wins hands down.

Sunday afternoon was spent watching Randi and Rab circle each other in the hotel room as they ‘relaxed’ and collected themselves. Rab managed to lay down for a bit and actually relax. Randi on the other hand – I have to imagine that what she was doing she considers relaxing and go with that. Either way it was interesting to witness.

Sunday evening was probably the best time I had by far I think. Randi, Rab, Dad, and myself drove out to Brian and Allison’s house in Oakland and met Jodie, Paula, Matt, Lauren, and Kalel there. We all just sat around in the living room hanging out. We ate some magical food, and then proceeded to laugh for a good 4 hours give or take. It was this perfect moment in time. Kalel was in a great mood and putting on quite the show – giggling and smiling. At one point the two of us screamed in unison for a good 5 minutes. That’s his new thing – screaming. So we just screamed together. It was amazing.

There were times that I looked around the room and wished with my whole heart that you were there. It wasn’t during the wedding that I had those feelings; it was in that moment. When all the excitement was over, the stress of the weekend was gone, and we were just hanging out.  I watched Rab and Randi interact together and with Kalel and thought to myself, and out loud really, this must have been what the early years of Matt and my childhood were like.  At one point I looked over and Dad was laughing away, in a way I hadn’t seen in a while. Same with Matt. These loud, whole body shaking, laughs. It was magical.

It was the perfect way to end the weekend. 

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…This is the time to remember

Cause it will not last forever.

These are the days to hold onto

Cause we won't although we'll want to.

This is the time, but time is gonna change.

I know we’ve got to move somehow,

But I don't want to lose you now.

Sometimes it's so easy to let a day slip on by

Without even seeing each other at all

But this is the time you'll turn back to and so will I

And those will be the days you can never recall…”

Post mortem anyone? – Part 1

Hi –

I survived the weekend with flying colors if I do say so myself, and I do. So go me.

Rehearsal was on Friday and while the drive was long, the place they chose really was beautiful and I can see why they were so set on it. I would have stayed up there all weekend, and done all the festivities in Napa. But as was my manta for the weekend, not my wedding.

Matt and Lauren did the Ketubah signing during the rehearsal so that was nice to witness. Judaism at work and all. I learned though that it’s the mother of the bride’s duty to be the keeper of the signed Ketubah. I can just add it to my ongoing list of things that won’t happen.

The rehearsal dinner was back at their house where they only have 1 bathroom and were expecting close to 70 people. The only logical conclusion was a bright blue porta potty front and center in front of the house. I think it really added something to the party personally. The party was fun though. Hung out mostly with Jodie and Jamie who were really my buddies all weekend. It was really nice. I’m so glad they were there. I was pretty stoned for the majority of the evening, which led to my explaining to Jamie how I didn’t ‘get’ jetlag. It was pretty awesome.

The highlight of the evening goes to Michael. Jamie, Jodie, and I were sitting in the kitchen, and Jamie had been filling up her Martini glass with beer from my glass that I was just sipping from for most of the night. The bar was outside in the back down some stairs where it was also freezing. Michael comes into the kitchen looking for a glass of regular Coke. He rummaged around the kitchen and found Diet Coke in the fridge, which would do he said. He pulled a glass down from the cabinet, and I gave him a funny look about it. He muttered to me while pointing at Jamie, “if she can drink beer out of a martini glass I can certainly drink diet coke out of a brandy snifter.” He then poured his diet coke and walked away. After he was gone Jodie turned to us and says, “you know what’s funny about this whole thing, that was a red wine glass.”

Next up was the Wedding Day - YAY! I woke up at 7:30 and hit the ground running. I managed to catch a small nap on the bus up to Napa. Well as much of a nap as one can get while sitting straight and not letting their head roll to either side. I had just had my hair did. I couldn’t ruin it.

The ceremony was perfect. I walked Kalel down the aisle and held him for .2 seconds before he started to fuss and then seamlessly passed him to the nanny’s in the front row. Then took him back .2 seconds before Matt and Lauren were announced husband and wife to walk him back up the aisle. Just the way I figured it would end up going.

My shoes lasted about 5 minutes into the cocktail party. That may or may not be a record.  Pretty sure all the bridesmaids had their shoes off or changed by the time the reception started.

There was a moment when the ceremony was over, cocktail party was through, and the reception was at a lull that I first got sad for the day. I figured it was going to come at some point but I was surprised how long it took. I figured it would be while watching Lauren take her family photo’s but I think because I was still worried about the ceremony it didn’t affect me at that moment. I’m sure when I look back through everything and see your missing mug I’ll get sad then too.

Luckily though I had built up a small stockpile of Valium so half a pill later I was in a much better mood and ready to party. And party I did.

I danced, I laughed, I danced again, I led the Hoorah, I wore a glow stick bracelet, and I danced some more. I have 2 signature moves and I strutted them all over the dance floor and back again. It was pretty awesome. I’d be curious to take a poll around the dance floor to see who thought I was serious about my moves, and who realized I was just being awesome. A personal favorite moment was when Diane led the entire dance floor in the electric slide, and it was not to the electric slide song.  It was awesome.

It was a great night and a great party. One you would have been very proud of. I don’t think there was a person there who had a bad time. The end of the evening was only made that much better by watching Matt spiral down into full on drunkenness. If you ask him none of this happened, but if you ask Randi, Rab, Jamie, Dad, or Me it 100% definitely happened. Matt was wandering the grounds with his tux shirt un-tucked, jacket tie and vest off, sleeves unbuttoned, and no shoes but socks on and in what can only be described as bellowing calling for Lauren. It was awesome. Him and I even managed to fit in a game of Egyptian Rat Screw when he was not wandering around. I won, he lost, and he then proceeded to be a very sore loser and storm off.  I thought it was the perfect way to end the evening personally.

Rest of the post mortem to come later.  I’m currently flying back to Orlando and I’m going to try to sleep a bit.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel