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Hi –

So due to my obsessive-compulsive nature in life to know everything about anything new that I discover, I now follow Hope Edelman’s blog. Through her blog I learned that these 2 women interviewed her about her book ‘Motherless Daughters’ for the documentary they are making called ‘The Club.’ (http://www.theclubdocumentary.com/)

The documentary is a really cool idea, here’s the blurb from their site “An observational documentary film, exploring the lives of women around the world who prematurely lost their mothers before the age of 25.” These women make up ‘The Club’. I think Piper was the first person to use that term with me. Randi and Rab say it a lot, but it’s the ‘dead daddy’s club’ that they always refer to is as.

It really is a club though. No one wants to be a member, but eventually most people are. I don’t think there are outward marks that show ones membership, but as soon as you find another there is a trust and understanding that is immediately shared.

I was talking about the whole being a motherless daughter thing on Friday night when I was out with the girls for dinner and drinks. I was making a toast in your honor, and mine. I was telling my friends that while this was by far the worst thing that ever happened to me and would hopefully ever happen to me, in the last 6 months I had made changes, made choices, and sent myself down a path that I never would have had the guts to otherwise. And without being overly cheesy, maybe it wasn’t all in vain or for no reason.

Enough of me being so understanding, and wise beyond my years. It does totally suck, I would trade it all for just about anything, and no I’m not over it yet.

Love you forever, Miss you always,

Rachel

Superman!!!

Hi 

So I definitely just spent the last hour or so looking at pictures and videos that Matt sent me of Kalel, and let me tell you – he is one awesome little guy. He has this fantastic giggle and smile. You can’t help but smile or giggle yourself when you see him do it. And he just lights up in the videos when Matt talks to him. Its pretty awesome if I do say so myself. Granted I’m related to him, but I flash him around town to all my friends and they think he is just as cute.

He’s the first baby in our family that I’ve been close to, and it’s amazing how right off the bat there is all this love and desire to protect him.  One day he showed up and everyone fell instantly in love with him. It’s so different from every other relationship a person has, where there is a period of getting to know the person and growing to love them. With a baby it’s completely instinctual. This is the first time I ever really thought about it.  Its pretty cool if you ask me.

So yeah, I’m on Team Kalel all the way!

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Highest Highs, Lowest Lows. Perhaps a bit bipolar.

Hi –

Not much to say today, except I went most of the day without noticing the date. I even typed it a few times without making the connection. Today is the 6^th month mark. As I have said before, who the hell knows what that means. I think the fact that I didn’t notice it right away is telling enough. And then I noticed, and now it’s all I can think about.

6 Months, 26 weeks, 182 days, 4,368 hours, 262,974 minutes, and 15,778,463 seconds.

Right now, I have nothing else to say but that. Today is 6 months. I’ve come so far, made choices and decisions in that time, moved my life in a forward direction instead of back, and I would throw it all away for you to be here.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.”

My karma ran over your dogma

Hiya –

Sorry it’s been so long. I’ve been going nonstop since Sunday. Tonight is honestly the first minute I’ve had where I haven’t been asleep on my feet. It was a good week though, if not long.

I’ve decided that I’m on the fence about Karma. I was at a business lunch on Wednesday and there was a conversation going on about business karma, and how you get what you put in and people get what is coming to them – all those sort of karmic sayings. I think in the business world I’m on the side of karma, and that it makes sense. If you practice good business and are always decent and honorable in your dealings, I can see how that would come back to you. You would be recommended, people would want to continue working work with you, etc.

In life though, I gotta say I’m not 100% sold on it. I have to think that you got the short end of the karmic stick. If what goes around comes around, and you reap what you sow – what did you put out there? Because I have to say, I’m pretty sure it was nothing. In my 26 years around the block I never knew you to do anything where this would be the assumed karmic outcome. In all the conversations I’ve ever had with anyone about you, they only had amazing things to say too.

So maybe I’m only half Buddhist at this point. I’m pretty sure the whole karma thing is big for them.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Oh, if wishing made it so Jed.

Hi –

I wish there was a way to know if you could hear me, or see me. Or if where ever you are right now, if you could read this? Or if you could somehow read my thoughts.

I wish there was a way to know that in 20 years I will still remember exactly what you smelled like. Or how you fit just perfectly in my arms for a hug. Or what it felt like when we were driving in the car and you would reach over and tap my knee to the beat of the song playing. That I’ll never forget how when you would pick cards up during spite and malice you would bend it a little towards you first so you could peak at the number before fully pulling it to you.

I wish there was a way to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt in 20 years from now I will close my eyes and still see you just as clearly as I do today.

I wish there was a way to get you back.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Sadness or Euphoria

Hi –

I had quite the fantastic day, if I do say so myself.

It started with some lovely conversation via text, and then things just kept falling into place all day.  Thanks for that. Since once again I'm choosing to believe that you are part of the reason things are coming together.

I sort of feel like I'm standing on the edge of something. I’m making a lot of big changes in my life in the next few months and they are starting now. Things feel different, like a tide is turning perhaps.

It could be because we are slowly approaching the 6-month mark, and with that comes some belief that I should be ‘better’ by now. Not a belief I technically have, but I think its one of those random landmarks that one doctor came up with somewhere, and every one bought in to. After 6 months you can start making decisions, and changing things, and you should feel better and less depressed – yada yada yada.

There might be something to it though I suppose. I mean these people do get paid a hell of a lot more to do their jobs than I get to do mine. I can say that I think the ground I'm standing on feels a little stronger lately. And that I’m beginning to trust in myself again. As always – who knows though? Is it because 6 months is magical? Or is it because I'm working through my death and dying stages and slowly progressing towards the allusive ‘acceptance?’

I have a feeling I won’t know until it’s too late.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark and deep

Inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullaby

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullaby’s go on and on...

They never die

That's how you

And I

Will be”

Mr. Sunshine, Yay.

Hi –

Tonight Allison Janney’s new show premiered on ABC – just add it to the list of things we would have talked about. It’s getting to be a rather long list. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I stop keeping track.

In other news I’ve noticed that things are happening for me.  I’ve been putting some stuff out into the universe and its slowly falling into place (I think anyway). I’m not saying I believe in the whole secret thing. I’m actively working towards these things. But I’m going to chose to believe that it’s you, out there somewhere, helping me along. Knowing that these are the right steps for me to be taking, and helping them to come to be.

So thanks.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Just a normal NYC weekend

Hi –

Did you know that I have quite a lot in common with Simba from The Lion King. Once you get past the whole rightful air to the Pride Land, and King of the Jungle thing he’s really just a normal Lion. Dealing with the all too sudden and far to soon death of his father.

There was this super cheesy moment during the show when Simba is looking up into the sky’s, trying to see his dad in the stars, and he sings the following…

“Wait

There's no mountain too great

Hear these words and have faith

Have faith

They live in you

They live in me

They're watching over

Everything we see

In every creature

In every star

In your reflection

They live in you”

I was moved.

Lion King really is amazing though. I’ve wanted to see it since I moved here, and it definitely lived up to the hype. Watching all the people maneuver the puppets was amazing. They had this huge elephant that walked down the aisle. I think it took 4 people to make it happen, it was awesome. It’s also the first show I’ve seen that was meant for Kids, and to see their faces light up was very exciting.

I had a really good time with Dad this weekend. I think we are finally getting back to our rhyme. I think we would both admit that it has been a bit off since everything. It’s nice to have it back.

We went out to Rabs on Saturday night. Like always I hung out at Lulu’s with Lizzie for  a while. I really do love it there. It’s very warm and inviting. Plus there’s something to be said for being surrounded by nice clothes all the time. Boosts a person’s self-esteem.

I went out with Lizzie and while we were hanging out with her friends she whips out the ‘Proust Questionnaire’ that they have all filled out 5 years earlier. They were all cracking up reading their answers. Lizzie had written down that one of her favorite names was Stella. Pretty cool if you ask me.  After a couple drinks I filled it out myself. Of course that one is in Lizzies book. I googled the questionnaire and here you go…

- Your favorite virtue - humility

- Your favorite qualities in a man – sense of humor, intelligence, great back

- Your favorite qualities in a woman. – sense of humor, intelligence

- Your chief characteristic - considerate

- Your favorite occupation - Singer

- Your idea of happiness – being surrounded by friends and family always laughing

- Your idea of misery – Never finding love

- If not yourself, who would you be – someone doing something extraordinary

- Where would you like to live - in a giant house with a big yard for my kids and dogs to play in

- Your favorite color and flower – color of red wine, Lilies

- Your favorite prose authors. – Shel Silverstein

- Your favorite poets – Shel Silverstein

- Your favorite heroes in fiction – the Tree from The Giving Tree

- Your favorite heroines in fiction – The nanny from Adventures of Babar

- Your favorite painters and composers – Billy Joel

- Your favorite heroes in real life – my dad

- Your favorite heroines in real life  - my mom

- What characters in history do you most dislike – those who persecuted others for being different

- What is your present state of mind - sadness

- Your favorite food and drink – anything-involving cheese and alcohol

- Your favorite names – Ryan for a girl, Hannah, Jacob

- What I hate the most – being inconsiderate

- Your favorite motto – Don’t sweat the small things

We also played this other ‘intellectual’ drinking game called ‘The Cube.’ Where you are told to close your eyes, and then are asked questions and you are building a picture in your mind. What you build says something about you. What I saw was – a clear cube that is on the desert ground, there is a ladder laying next to it on the ground made out of wood. A white normal sized horse is peacefully walking across my picture in the middle ground, not hitting the box. Far away you can see a rainstorm brewing.

I have no idea what it says to me. I never got to hear my ‘fortune’. I’ll have to Google it at some point.

I’m going to crawl into bed now though, and watch the special post Superbowl episode of Glee.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

“Where has the starlight gone?

Dark is the day

How can I find my way home?

Home is an empty dream

Lost to the night

Father, I feel so alone

You promised you'd be there

Whenever I needed you

Whenever I call your name

You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on

Just waiting to hear your voice

One word, just a word will do

To end this nightmare

When will the dawning break

Oh endless night

Sleepless I dream of the day

When you were by my side

Guiding my path

Father, I can't find the way”

Sometimes

Hi -

I just feel lost.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

The neurons are firing, but nothings happening.

Hi –

I had this conversation with Honey a second ago:

Rachel: every morning I wake up and lay in my bed and think really hard about whether I need to go to work - do you do that?

Honey: no

Honey: I don't really believe it to be an optional thing

Rachel: yeah I guess you’re right

This might be the route of something deeper. Perhaps it’s this thinking that’s getting me into trouble.

Oh well.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

What exactly is a Gatoroid? And why must it fight a Mega Python?

Hi –

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. I spent the majority of the weekend with a blood alcohol level well above the legal limit. I do have to say though I had an awesome time. Hung out with some good people, ate some delicious food, tried some new things, all in all I would call it a very successful weekend. I missed you though.

While being intoxicated I realized I still talk about you just as much as I did when you were here. I think it only makes sense though, seeing as how I talked about you quite a bit before you died. Why would that necessarily change? I yam the way I yam because of you.

It doesn’t bother me of course, I think it keeps you with me. Not sure about other people though. People who know me, but aren’t that close to me, I  think get a little uneasy. I think they think I might freak out on them. When in reality keeping your memory close, and making sure you're still present in my life makes me feel better.

I hung out with Lizzie on Saturday in the city and when people ask how we know each other, she would tell them our moms were best friends for the past 30 plus years. I’m always curious what they then immediately think. These people are obviously close to Lizzie, so I’m sure they don’t think something happened to Rab. So do they think they had a falling out, but Lizzie and I remained friends. Or do people immediately go to death. It’s hard to tell, there’s really no follow up question that ever comes. I would love for there to be. I think it would be an interesting look at humans, and society, and the way we deal with things. I have no idea how you would conduct the research, but I’m just thinking it would be interesting.

Carly put this beautiful letter on Facebook for Nona yesterday. I think it helped her make sense and process. Lord knows that’s what I’ve been doing here. There was something so honestly beautiful in her words. Very poetic. I can’t help but think that maybe some of that was what Dad went through with you, but in a more painful heart wrenching way. Where there was no peace at the end, no thank yous falling from his lips.

I’m also not sure where I’m falling on the whole religion, god, and afterlife spectrum. I’m all over the place with that. But at the end of her letter, Carly put what I can only assume is a passage from the bible and I like it. I like the calm that came over me after I read it. The little bit of peace that came into my heart.

So without further ado – Carly’s words:

“You died on a Wednesday afternoon on a beautiful day in January. You made it just past Christmas. Plane tickets were relatively cheap, schedules were relatively free. You couldn't have picked a better time. You looked so tiny there in your bed, as if you were disappearing before our eyes. And you were. Your eyes were mostly closed. Your breaths were harder to take, further and further apart. Like labor contractions in reverse. It's been 5 seconds, 8, 15, 30... We stood there, around your bed watching you. Mommy knelt on the floor. We saw you out (but where did you go?). I said thank you, for everything. You were our Nona and you've played with us and been proud of us and worried about us all of our lives. We told you we loved you. We said your favorite prayer (Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace). Mom sang a terrible first verse of amazing grace. I hummed "fly away" in my head. It was minutes, seconds. And then you were just gone. Dead. And how could that be? How could everything we knew of you be lying right there, the hands we held, the head we kissed, the arms that held us close as babies. Your cheeks, your hair... And you be completely gone?

And so we let them take you away, in a white van, with people we didn't know. Because it wasn't you anymore, that's what we kept saying. And I can't get my mind around it. Being dead is nothing I can understand. I hope you're somewhere happy and conscious of your happiness. Or maybe here with us.  The priest said that this too was a holy time.

God, help us to feel you in a very real way during this holy mourning time. Help us to be kind to each other. Help us to mourn as you have helped every survivor in the history of your creation. And help us to  rejoice that the ones who left are there with you. And help me to not be angry and anxious and lost. And take our Nona, your Nona, into your arms to hold with you in joy for always.”

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“He said I wanna see you again

But I'm stuck in colder weather

Maybe tomorrow will be better

Can I call you then”