We are always what our situations hand us....

Hi –

Yesterday I had this thought that what if you died so that I would be forced to reach my full potential. It’s the same thought process about would I turn back the clock so none of this ever happened. You can’t. There would be no Kalel. I wouldn’t have been pushed to move to Orlando. I wouldn’t be where I am now; doing the things I’m doing now. Not to say that some of these things would have never happened, but they would be different. It’s the same train of thought of what would you do if you were here – well I’m pretty sure the situations I’m asking that question to I wouldn’t find myself in if you were here.

But what if you did? What if that was the point? What if that is the outcome? Are you happy with it? Am I reaching my potential?

It definitely doesn’t feel like it. Some days I might buy it. I love my job, my friends, and I think I’m on top of my game. Then other days I feel like I’m nowhere. I have no idea what I’m doing. I look at my life and I have no idea how I got to where I’m at or where I might be going. All I know is this isn’t what I pictured my life to look like.

Perhaps I’m just schizophrenic.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“They say that these are not the best of times

But they're the only times I've ever known

And I believe there is a time for meditation

In cathedrals of our own

Now I have seen that sad surrender in my lovers' eyes

I can only stand apart and sympathize

For we are always what our situations hand us

It's either sadness or euphoria

And so we'll argue and we'll compromise

And realize that nothing's ever changed

For all our mutual experience

Our separate conclusions are the same

Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity

A reason coexists with our insanity

Though, we choose between reality and madness

It's either sadness or euphoria

How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies

Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies

And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives

With our respective similarities

It's either sadness or euphoria”

Sadness or Euphoria

Hi –

I had quite the fantastic day, if I do say so myself.

It started with some lovely conversation via text, and then things just kept falling into place all day.  Thanks for that. Since once again I'm choosing to believe that you are part of the reason things are coming together.

I sort of feel like I'm standing on the edge of something. I’m making a lot of big changes in my life in the next few months and they are starting now. Things feel different, like a tide is turning perhaps.

It could be because we are slowly approaching the 6-month mark, and with that comes some belief that I should be ‘better’ by now. Not a belief I technically have, but I think its one of those random landmarks that one doctor came up with somewhere, and every one bought in to. After 6 months you can start making decisions, and changing things, and you should feel better and less depressed – yada yada yada.

There might be something to it though I suppose. I mean these people do get paid a hell of a lot more to do their jobs than I get to do mine. I can say that I think the ground I'm standing on feels a little stronger lately. And that I’m beginning to trust in myself again. As always – who knows though? Is it because 6 months is magical? Or is it because I'm working through my death and dying stages and slowly progressing towards the allusive ‘acceptance?’

I have a feeling I won’t know until it’s too late.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark and deep

Inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullaby

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullaby’s go on and on...

They never die

That's how you

And I

Will be”