Here I am, living the dream!

Yo yo yo –

Just sitting here watching some Oprah – ya know the usual!

Seriously though, I’m watching Oprah. Because she just can’t stay away from my TV! I’m actually watching her show on OWN ‘The Next Chapter’ – and her interview with Bobbi Kristina and Whitney Houston’s family - its interesting.

During the portion with Bobbi Kristina there was a part I could relate too. Oprah asked her if she ever thought this would happen. Bobbi Kristina said no. She never expected her to die, or ever thought she would. Of course not. I NEVER would have thought this would have happened to you either. If anyone had ever asked me I probably would have told them you were immortal because I’m pretty sure that’s what I believed. If they had asked me about Dad, my answer would have been different. But I’m sure everyone’s would have.  For as long as I can remember, there was a part of me that always knew that one-day Daddy would die, but never you.

After Bobbi Kristina said she never expected it, she went on to say that even though she never expected it Whitney had unknowingly prepared her for it making her the strong independent woman she was. Which is 100% true about me and you. I never expected this, or even thought of this day, but yet here I am living through it. And that’s because you made me this strong. I’m your spitting image in strength and determination.  Thank you, I guess. Although, if given the choice I’d want to be less strong and have you back.

In other news I finished my taxes. Not sure what that makes me, but here I am sitting on my couch being that person. I owe Turbo Tax a big thank you, and Kahni for answering my nagging question of in what state do I collect interest. Seems easy enough right – I live in Florida so I collect taxes in Florida. I was nervous though the government can be tricky. Amerprise’s address is in MN; I didn’t want to answer wrong. And now I'm rambling.

But good news both Federal and NY State were accepted.  I will make it another year as a tax-paying citizen. Go me! And now, I’ve managed to talk about the only 2 certain things in life - Death and Taxes.

On that note I’m going to fold my laundry and watch some Star Trek. I really live a riveting, earth shattering life these days.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…I didn’t know my own strength…”

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? Anyone? Rosenthal? Oh Yes, over here. Been here all along.

Hi –

I’m currently sitting on the floor of my living room hitting refresh every minute or so on the Turbo Tax message board waiting for the ‘help’ I paid an additional $29.99 for to come to my rescue. I’m about 5 refreshes in, and still nothing. I guess this is what I get for being all high and mighty thinking I could do this myself. Damn you section B of my 1099-DIV!

Sorry for the radio silence that’s going on. I’ve been going nonstop for over 3 weeks now, with only a few hours here and there for taking a breath. Between getting ready for my business trip to London, going to London, going to Paris, going home for the weekend - its been a bit crazy in my head. Tonight is the first time in a long time when I’ve been home and not completely exhausted. Hence the taxes and all.

Damn you Turbo Tax. Now I need my 2010 taxes, ugh who has those things! Time to call Daddy. I guess it’s really Damn You New York City. Florida doesn’t pay income tax, so they don’t really want to reference my 2010 taxes now do they.

Anyway, moving on. Because things have been so crazy it really hasn’t left me with much time to write. I’m been in bed and asleep by 11 every night for weeks now. Which is really unheard of for me. I’m usually first turning on the sleep function on my TV for 90 minutes at midnight. It’s been a welcome change. Definitely makes 7am look a lot better.

I’m back in therapy. That’s something new and exciting to report. Her name is Dr. Passeri and she’s French. So if nothing else I can pretend I’m très chic. I have a really good therapy goal – to want to talk. I’ll let you know how it goes. I guess keeping a blog doesn’t qualify as ‘talking’ because technically I’ve done a lot of talking - if we’re counting it. She did make a really interesting analogy in our last session. We were talking about time healing, and I told her I didn’t think it did. To me more time just means more time with out you, and more things that have gone by that you have missed, more holidays without you, etc. Her comment back to me was that, yes time on its own does not necessarily heal. But think of a broken bone, if you do absolutely nothing about it of course it won’t heal. But if you go to the doctor, get your bone reset, and a cast – then in time it will heal. So if I were to start talking and open up, and be present and open with my feelings and work through them, then in time I too would heal.

I didn’t think of it at the time, but my response should have been that in the cold and the rain healed bones still hurt.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…What ravages of spirit

Conjured this temptuous rage,

Created you a monster,

Broken by the rule of love?

And fate has led you through it.

You do what you have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go.

Every moment marked

With apparitions of your soul.

I'm ever swiftly moving,

Trying to escape this desire,

The yearning to be near you.

I do what I have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go.

A glowing ember, burning hot,

And burning slow.

Deep within, I'm shaken by the violence

Of existing for only you.

I know I can't be with you.

I do what I have to do.

I know I can't be with you.

I do what I have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize

But I don't know how to let you go.

I don't know how to let you go…”