I think my name might be Virginia…

Hi –

The last few days and weeks have been quite interesting and eye opening. A few weeks back I decided that I wanted to get off lexapro. It’s been over 6 years since I first went on it and my life is in a completely differently place – maybe my coping mechanisms have improved. Well, definitely not. So while I’ve made it through the withdrawal symptoms finally, its blaringly obvious there was a reason I went on the meds to begin with, and the reasons, while they might be different now, are still reasons nonetheless. So back on it I go. Yippee! Once again as Meridith has pointed out, there is nothing about any of this that says I shouldn’t be in therapy.

So while I’ve accepted that I probably have to be on this stuff for quite some time, I’m not exactly thrilled about it. But as I promised myself in college, I never want to feel this way again. But here I am, completely out of control of every emotion I have, but with the awareness to know my reactions and emotions are out of place, but not able to stop them. It’s awful. Definitely don’t recommend it. Combine the crying and I’m a complete mess. It’s been awesome.

In the middle of all of this was the Hanukkah party. Some might say it was a success, and that they had a great time. I would beg to differ. Maybe last year I was in too much of a haze of some sort to really pay attention, but this year I felt like every time someone looked at me they saw you. Which granted is not a bad thing, but for some reason in this instance it really got to me - I was in your house, in your kitchen, throwing your party – I was you.

There I was in the middle of it all feeling completely alone and isolated. It was not fun. I have to think that you must have felt that way during the parties at least once. There you are in the kitchen washing the 17^th dish of the night alone, while everyone else is drinking and laughing and eating. At one point I looked around and was so angry, and swore I wasn’t going to do it again next year. I’m sure we will though. I’m sure that’s how it always went. At the end when you looked around the mess of a house and knew you had to clean it yourself you swore not again. Then September comes along and you don’t remember any of it, and you pick the date for the next party. I’m tried just thinking about it. What can you do though, certainly not be the one to break the tradition.

I just keep thinking about the massage I’m going to get while on the cruise. It’s getting me through. It’s really the little things.

Miss you forever, Love you always.

Rachel

“…And here she is again on the phone

Just like me hates to be alone

We just like to sit at home

And rip on the president

Meet Virginia, mmmm…

Well she wants to live her life

Then she thinks about her life

Pulls her hair back, as she screams

"I don't really wanna live this life"

She only drinks coffee at midnight

But the moment is not right

And the time is quite, unusual

You see her confidence is tragic

But her intuition magic

And the shape of her body, unusual

Meet Virginia, I can't wait to

Meet Virginia, yeah, yeah, hey, hey

Well, she wants to be the queen

Then she thinks about her scene

Well, she wants to live her life

Then she thinks about her life

Pulls her hair back as she screams

I don't really wanna be the queen, ah, ah

I don't really wanna live here…”

We are always what our situations hand us....

Hi –

Yesterday I had this thought that what if you died so that I would be forced to reach my full potential. It’s the same thought process about would I turn back the clock so none of this ever happened. You can’t. There would be no Kalel. I wouldn’t have been pushed to move to Orlando. I wouldn’t be where I am now; doing the things I’m doing now. Not to say that some of these things would have never happened, but they would be different. It’s the same train of thought of what would you do if you were here – well I’m pretty sure the situations I’m asking that question to I wouldn’t find myself in if you were here.

But what if you did? What if that was the point? What if that is the outcome? Are you happy with it? Am I reaching my potential?

It definitely doesn’t feel like it. Some days I might buy it. I love my job, my friends, and I think I’m on top of my game. Then other days I feel like I’m nowhere. I have no idea what I’m doing. I look at my life and I have no idea how I got to where I’m at or where I might be going. All I know is this isn’t what I pictured my life to look like.

Perhaps I’m just schizophrenic.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“They say that these are not the best of times

But they're the only times I've ever known

And I believe there is a time for meditation

In cathedrals of our own

Now I have seen that sad surrender in my lovers' eyes

I can only stand apart and sympathize

For we are always what our situations hand us

It's either sadness or euphoria

And so we'll argue and we'll compromise

And realize that nothing's ever changed

For all our mutual experience

Our separate conclusions are the same

Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity

A reason coexists with our insanity

Though, we choose between reality and madness

It's either sadness or euphoria

How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies

Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies

And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives

With our respective similarities

It's either sadness or euphoria”

Hi –

Just ugh really…..

I miss you.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel