Right, Left, Up, Down, Forward, Back, Still

Hi -

I miss you something fierce.

I wish you were here to talk too. To tell me if I'm doing the right things, making the right decisions. I'm putting things out into the universe 'secret' style and working towards them. I can't help but wonder if its the right things. If I'm moving in the right direction. Or if I need to be making a hard left turn. Or even a right. Maybe I should stand still for a while.

I don't know.

I need you.

I need my Mom.

Where are you?

Love you forever, Miss you Always.
Rachel

What lives in Lulu's Armoire? Open it up and see.

Hola –

I’m out in Jersey for the weekend at Rab’s. Today was ‘Lulu’s Armoire’ (http://lulusarmoire.com/) grand opening, and if I do say so myself it was a resounding success. The place was packed for a good portion of the day, and they did pretty good in sales. Even if you take out what Matt bought today for Kalel and Lulu herself. He was actually their very first sale, so that’s exciting for him. Lizzie and I picked out the items hopefully they will like them. They should definitely like this dark blue onesie Lizzie picked that the Jolie-Pitt kids wear. Kalel will be the hippest kid around. Looks like I might not be so bad at this whole Aunt thing after all.

One of the women who came in to the store today is a foster parent for puppies, and I was seriously so close to buying the puppy she had with her. It was a Maltese terrier mix that she said wouldn’t get more than 20 pounds and she was adorable. I was in love from the moment I saw her. She even already had all her shots and had been spayed. I was beyond smitten. Ed gave me sage advice to sleep on it. I haven’t exactly slept on it yet, but I did pass on Sadie, even though it broke my heart. It would just be too difficult in the city because puppies can’t be on the dirty New York City streets until they are 16 weeks old. Apparently other dog’s poop carries disease and when puppies eat and sniff it they get sick. So I would have to train her on a wee-wee pad and then re-train her on the street, and I just don’t think that’s a good idea. Wee-wee pads and my tiny apartment with no central AC or circulating air – seems super smelly to me. So I passed on Sadie. I’m heartbroken, but I have a feeling I’ll get over it.

The store looks great. Sometime between tonight and tomorrow evening I’m going to attempt to get Rab and Lizzie to see the wisdom of excel, and get them to keep records that way. Right now Rab is handwriting everything, and I know that’s how she is more comfortable, but I think in the long run having computerized records is the way to go. It will make their lives 10 times easier when they are searching for something, or need to review records, anything really. Excel is pretty amazing if you ask me.

Even though I’ve spent all day eating cookies Amanda baked for the opening, picking at the edible arrangements basket Dad and Randi sent, and grazing muffins that were delivered for breakfast Ed and I just ordered Thai so I’m going to go eat that now. I’ll write more later.

Miss you more today.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

If only..

Hi

Love you forever, miss you always,

Rachel

Things I want....

Hi - 

I want to be in love

I want to have known love

I want to know where you are

I want to know why you had to go

I want you to know your grandchild

I want your grandchild to know you

I want to call you on the phone

I want you to have been at bowling tonight

I want you to go to Publix with Diane on Sunday

I want Daddy to come home from work to you

I want grandma to see Plays with you on Sundays

I want you to play cards on Tuesdays

I want you to teach me how to play Canasta

I want to be involved in a Spit and Malice marathon with you

I want you to buy something from Lulu’s Armoire

I want to go to my 5^th Trisha Yearwood concert with you

I want you to be sharing this time of Matt’s life with him

I want Lauren to call you and ask you what Matt was like as a baby

I want you to be here

I want you to not be gone

I want you not to be dead

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

I can't love, shot full of holes

Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold

Don't feel nothing, just old scars

Toughening up around my heart 

And so it is..

Hi –

For some reason I’ve only just now discovered this choir called the ‘Scala and Kolacny Brothers’ (say that 5 times fast). They remake famous songs in this hauntingly beautiful way. They redid Radioheads ‘Creep’ for The Social Network’ and it’s amazing.

I’ve decided everyone should listen to them. I’ve spent the last 30 minutes on YouTube listening and it was totally worth my time. And I’ll probably go home and spend a small fortune on iTunes downloading their songs. Go Me.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies

I can't take my eyes off you
 
And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my mind off you

Can I have a bite? Just a small one please?

Hi –

Its been a few days – sorry about that. I was out in San Fran hanging with Matt, Lauren, and Kalel. He’s a great baby. Not too fussy unless something is wrong. He doesn’t fuss just to fuss, which is nice. I hear some babies do that. He’s obviously going to be a genius. He’s 21 days old and I’m pretty sure we spotted some deliberate movements yesterday while he was on his play mat.

I think he looks a lot like Lauren, but it’s probably too early to tell. He definitely has her long fingers though.  Either way he is one attractive baby.

It was a good couple of days.  A little awkward in my own head, if nothing else. I’ve taken to coping with everything that is going on by making incredibly inappropriate jokes and remarks, which I found myself censoring while I there. I spent the first few days around dad and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t need my special pessimistic view on things at this exact moment. The rest of the time I just wasn’t sure how anyone would react to my jokes, so I kept them to myself. It felt weird, stifling almost. And it wasn’t like someone said anything to me that made me keep quiet, but I just did it on my own. It was a conscious decision. I don’t know, I’m not sure if I’m making sense.  Oh well.

I did realize while I was there that one thing you used to do that I hated, I now would give anything for it to happen again. My whole life I knew that if I was eating something and you were in a 50 feet radius you were going to come up and ask for a taste, a bite, just a little one. You honestly just wanted a taste, nothing more. And I used to hate it. You always managed to come by just at the moment that I had constructed the perfect bite, or at the very end when I had saved the best for last. And it used to annoy me. Now I would gladly give you the last bite or anything on my plate. Or that perfect bite of my sandwich where I can see all the ingredients coming together perfectly.

I’ve decided that I’m going to have a Hanukkah party, it seems only natural. It was grandma’s party, then it was yours, so now its mine. Seems to make sense I think. Besides Matt, Lauren, and Kalel will be there, so it only makes sense. I have to talk to Cousin Phillip though. Figure out how it all goes.

Short and sweet for this first entry. I’m back in NYC, slept the entire day away instead of going to work, and now I’m going to go back to bed. Catch up on some TV.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

Every time we say goodbye, I die a little,

Every time we say goodbye, I wonder why a little,

Why the Gods above me, who must be in the know.

Think so little of me, they allow you to go.

When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it,

I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it,

There's no love song finer, but how strange the change 

from major to minor,

Every time we say goodbye. 

While on a jet plane to SFO

Hi –

I’m currently sitting in an aisle seat on an American Airlines flight on my way to San Fran to meet Kalel. I’m a mix of excitement and total anxiety, shocker I know. Me, Rachel Rosenthal, anxious about something. I’ve never held a newborn before though, although at 3 weeks old are you still a newborn? How long does that title last for? Regardless, I’ve never held anything younger than 10 months or so. At least that’s what I think. That’s how old Hudson was when I saw him in September, and I’m pretty sure there haven’t been any other babies in my life. There was Adam when he was younger, but I was so young too that I had to do the whole sitting on the couch surrounded by pillows hold. And I have no recollection of it; I’ve just seen the pictures.

Back to Kalel though, what if he totally and completely hates me and proceeds to cry every time I go near him  - that will blow. And make for a really annoying next 6 days. They can smell fear though, so I’ll have to calm myself down before I see him. Also dad wasn’t sure how the whole picking me up from the airport was going to go down, if it was just going to be him or if was going to be everyone in the car. So part of my concern is that I’m not sure about what to expect when I get off the phone, and we all know how I feel about that. I like to be properly prepared for my life.

In other news the date for SantaCon was announced and it really couldn’t be more perfect. It’s going to be December 11^th. Which works out perfectly. Phillip and Dee are having their Hanukkah party on Dec 18^th, so I told grandma I wanted to do ours on Dec 26^th. She was going to check with Phillip Zelman to make sure that works for him. As long as it does – I’m about to have a fairly full December lined up. Obviously with SantaCon taking priority. I think I'm going to go as an Elf this year. What do you think?

I left Carly at my apartment today; she’s going to stay one more night and then head to DC for Parents Weekend at her school. Angela is also performing in her school’s production of Nine so everyone is going to be up there for that too – she should have a good weekend. I had a really good time having her around, I hope she enjoyed herself. 

We did some talking, which I’m sure was part of the intention of her trip. To be around for if and when I was ready to talk.  (the 2 month mark has come and gone) Not that I have much to say these days. But we did some talking last night. She said something that I could get on board with. We were talking about how I haven’t really cried all that much, and she said well maybe that’s because her and everyone (Meridith, Randi, Rab, Kahni, Piper, Joyce, Paula, etc) have been crying enough for themselves and me. That they are using all my tears. I can buy that.  

I picked back up the worst and most appropriately titled book again “Motherless Daughters” I’ve been reading about the various stages of grieving a daughter goes through and how they are not a continuous line to be completed in order, but that the stages are more something you hop around. Going from denial to rage to sadness to acceptance, than back to rage while throwing in some anger, and perhaps back to acceptance, but then quickly going to denial again.  And its slightly annoying to read actually because I’ve got no rage or anger happening and I somehow feel like that’s wrong. That I should be angry because that’s what’s expected, but I just don’t have it in me I guess. I’m not really an ‘angry’ person. I guess that acupuncture woman who looked at my tongue and told me I was angry was actually wrong.

I used to be angry. I used to get angry about a lot of things, and full of rage, and I would yell. Man was I a good yeller; I could get a nice high pitch going. But it was the sort of anger that as soon as I got all fired up it would just as quickly burn out. I didn’t stay angry for long. I have such distinct memories of Grandma Henny looking at me and shaking her head saying “God help the man who marries you” because my voice could get so loud and high pitched. 

But yeah, I don’t have anger in me now. I have sadness, and perhaps anger is the other side of the coin. And one day my sadness will change to anger, but right now I can’t relate. Being angry just seems so counter-productive to healing and moving on.  I’ve been around people who are filled with anger about things not having to do with death and it takes so much out of you. Hate and Anger are ugly things that you chose to be, and they consume so much about a person, and drive all their interactions and decisions. I can’t imagine being angry right now. This death that we are all dealing with is not something anyone would have ‘chosen’ so I feel like why would I ‘chose’ anger as a way to deal. Just doesn’t make sense for me. 

Carly also brought up the point that growing up I was always SO concerned about ‘the other shoe dropping’ in my life. How I used to say part of the reason I was so neurotic and crazy and full of anxiety was because I had lived a seemingly perfect life. I had these 2 amazing parents who were head over heels in love with each other, and crazy about my brother and I. I had this brother who would have moved heaven and earth for me if I asked him to, even if on the outside he always seemed annoyed by me. I never really wanted for anything besides superficial nonsense. I lived this really great life, and I knew intellectually it was only a matter of time. So I was always waiting. Well I guess it’s pretty clear I’m no longer waiting – that shoe fell fast and hard, and might have smacked me on the head during its decent to the ground.  I feel like it might have even left a dent on my head when it smacked me, an outward sign that I’m forever a broken person from here on out. 

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

My accounts of that day 2 months ago...

Hi –

I feel that it is important to write down the way it all went down on the day you died. Not that I will ever forget, but it’s something I get asked, “How did you find out?” Well – this is how.

It was a Wednesday – 8.18.10. – A date that I think would be interesting to have analyzed by a Kabbalist, or a Numerologist. The number 18 is the Jewish number for life. The day you died was double life.

It was a regular Wednesday. I don’t remember anything standing out about it. I know I tried to call you at your office around 4ish. I had a night shift at the pub so I knew I wasn’t going to talk to you that night, and I hadn’t talked to you on Tuesday. The last time we talked was on Monday. I had been at the pub having drinks with Ila and called you when I was walking home. I honestly have NO idea what we talked about. Probably Kalel, Matt & Lauren, and our upcoming trip to San Francisco for the wedding, but that’s just an educated guess.

My shift at the pub started at 6. It was surprisingly quiet inside. My friend Seema (not Seema Shah, but bar-Seema as we have named her) was sitting at the bar so we were chitchatting. Siobhan kept yelling at me to stop talking to her and to get back to my section. I laughed and rolled my eyes at her pointing out that Seema was sitting in my section. I had my cell phone in my apron and it kept vibrating saying that Skip was calling and texting me. I didn’t think anything of it. I figured it had to do with Aunt Sus’s inheritance money because I knew that was coming through any day, and maybe he needed my social security number or something. And since Siobhan had already been annoyed with me for hanging out with Seema I didn’t want to egg her on by taking my cell phone out so I just let it go.

It was about 7 when I was standing back in the drink station when Siobhan comes back and mockingly tells me ‘Ms. Rosenthal there is a phone call for you’ and me being the asshole I am probably muttered something like ‘ha that’s because I'm so important’. I went to the phone and it was Matt. He said you were in the hospital and it was serious and I needed to go home, pack a bag, and get on a plane, and that Ila was waiting for me at my apartment. I have no idea what I said to him except OK. I yelled to Siobhan, told her I was leaving. I was running down the stairs to get my stuff and yelling my mom is in the hospital, and that I had to leave. I took off my apron and handed it to her with all its open checks, cash, and credit cards, and ran out the door. I called Matt back but he wasn’t answering. I called Ila and she told me she was in a cab and would meet me at my apartment. I still had no idea what was going on or what was about to happen.

At this point I’m walking along 7^th avenue on my way home. Matt’s not answering, and I get this text from Skippy that says ‘Call me, it’s a family emergency,’ so I call. He picks up, and asks where I am. I tell him on 7^th avenue walking home. He asks, “how long before you’re home?” I’ll never forget the stupid answer I gave him, “You mean home to Florida, hours. But I’ll be at my apartment in the city in another 5 minutes or so.” He says, “good. Will anyone be there when you get there?” I tell him I’m sure honey is there now; I don’t know where else she would be. And that my close friend Ila is meeting me at my apartment. He says OK, and wants me to call him back when I’m at home and with someone. I don’t think I said anything at first, but I remember thinking what difference does that make; just tell me whatever is going on. I must have said something to him out loud because I remember him saying ‘its serious, call me when you get home.” At this point I was in the intersection of 50^th, leaving the corner where the Fridays was, and crossing over to where Ghirardelli’s was, and I asked ‘is she dead?’ and he said ‘yes, I’m sorry, yes.’ I must have said OK. I’m not really sure what else I would have said. I said I would call him back when I got home, and then I hung up.

I sort of get stuck on the fact that I asked ‘Is she dead?’ Why did I ask that? Why was that where my head went first?

I then proceeded to start hyperventilating and talk to myself out loud. I must have looked like an insane homeless person. I was walking faster than I’ve ever walked, not paying attention to the lights, talking to myself, hyperventilating, and waving my arms up and down.  I called Sara but I knew she was on a plane. I called her mom, and she didn’t answer, so I left her what could only be described as an incoherent message of rambling ‘have Sara call me as soon as she lands, have Sara call me, have Sara call me.’ At this point I’m still only on 48^th

I walk the rest of the way. I didn’t make the light on my street corner to cross to my side of the street, so I walk down the side that is opposite my apartment so that at least I’m on not standing still. I can see Ila standing in front of my apartment under the awning, and there isn’t traffic so I cross the street and I can hear her saying something to me. Probably something like ‘it will be OK, we will figure this out’ and I yell at her ‘my mother is dead’ and then proceed to collapse right in front of her. She is super confused. Because I guess the last time she had talked to Matt you were still alive, well not anymore. She’s confused, and is in shock, and doesn’t understand what I'm saying to her so I  keep repeating it. She finally realizes we are on the curb outside and gets me up and inside.

I go flying into my apartment; I'm sure scaring the shit out of honey, and into my room and strip off my work clothes. Ila gets herself together and takes my phone and asks me who to call. I tell her Skippy. So she calls him, and talks to him.  My options are presented to me. I can fly home right then and Ila will go with me. Or I can go to Rabs for the night and fly with her in the morning. All I know is that I keep muttering while hyperventilating; I want to talk to my brother.  That was the only coherent thought I could put together. Ila kept asking why I wanted to talk to him, and I said I needed him to tell me what to do. For some reason I couldn’t fathom making this decision. I’m not sure if its because I was in such shock I wasn’t understanding, all I know is that I needed him to tell me what to do. It’s decided that I’m going to spend the night in Jersey at Rab’s and we will fly together in the morning.

After it’s decided that I’m going to leave in the AM, Honey and Ila help me get dressed and pack a bag. We then sit on the couch and they stare at me for the next 30 minutes as we wait for Ed to come get me, and I get sick a couple times. Eventually Ed comes, I break the news to Sara, and I begin a texting marathon with everyone I know that lasts for days.

I make it out to Rabs, we book flights that get us home sometime in the afternoon, and I call everyone I can think of at home because they’ve all drank or drugged themselves into a stupor and I’m not entirely clear who is picking me up. But I give everyone I can think of our flight. Rab makes baked brie for her, Ed, and me since none of us have eaten anything, and at this point its about midnight. In the matter of 5 hours my entire life has changed. You were dead, and at that point I could honestly not tell you what you had died of. If you ask Rab I was telling people a culinary embolism.

I park myself on the couch in the TV room. I watch a bit of the Hangover. I call Abby and Ashley and tell them. Around 1ish I realize I haven’t heard from any of the Miller’s, which I thought was really weird. I know they are all in California at a wedding, so I start calling people. I try Carly and she doesn’t answer. I try Meridith, again no answer. Carly calls me back and I tell her. Through the phone I can hear her complete confusion over what I’ve told her and she’s opening and closing doors, trying to locate Piper and George. We talk for a bit and she tells me they will all start booking flights and making their way back to Florida.

Lizzie comes home around 2ish and sits with me on the couch for a while. She’s been great during all this, a safe place for me, and I think it’s brought us closer. We talk; about what, who knows. We watch a skinamax porn called Busty Cops 4. And somehow time goes by, and before I know it I’m in the shower and getting ready to go home. 

Rab and I make it to South Florida, Randi picks us up, and the rest happens.

I spend the next days hugging people who hold on too long, making inappropriate jokes, staring into space, eating more food then should ever be allowed, and laying on your side of the bed.

That’s how it all went down, at least the way I remember it.

There were a lot of people who stepped up the proverbial plate those first few days who will never know how much they helped Matt, Daddy, and me. There are people still stepping up to the plate and helping. They are both the expected and the unexpected. There are people who have taken on some big responsibilities in terms of my life who will never know how much I love them for it. There are thank yous I want to give out, but they don’t seem like enough, so I keep quite. I’m going with the thought that they know.

The family photo from my wedding day that only exists in my head is still missing you, and there is a hole in it because of that. However, slowly there is a new photo happening. Before 8/18/10 it would have been you and daddy on my side. Now, there is a whole gaggle of people on my side. Because if its going to be a family photo these people have to be in it.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“These feelings wont go away

They’ve been knocking me sideways”

Little Miss

Hi –

The word miss is pretty interesting if you think about it. There’s the fact that I am a miss, I’m Miss Rachel Ann Rosenthal. Then there is miss as a verb – I will miss you forever.

Last night Carly and I ate an amazing dinner at this place called ‘Delta Grill’, its New Orleans cuisine. After we were done and stuffed to the brim she asked me if that was how we ate the entire time we were in Savannah, which it was 100%. But it was amazing. Both Savannah and the meal we had just had.

We then started the ‘7 Up Series,’ and it’s pretty interesting. It started in 1964 when some British filmmakers interviewed a bunch of 7 year olds on the premise that ‘give me a child at 7 and I will show you the man.’ And let me tell you British 7 year olds with their little accents, and knee socks are super cute. The filmmakers then proceeded to interview the same kids every 7 years. We made it half way through 21 when we both decided to call it a night. I’m looking forward to watching the rest of the years though.

I also downloaded the new Sugarland album “Incredible Machine” and it’s pretty fantastic. I feel like I might be the little miss in one of their songs, but I’m definitely not all right at the moment. But somewhere deep deep deep really deep down inside of me I know that one day maybe I will be. Maybe. Its definitely wishful thinking on my part, but it is what everyone says – one day.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Little Miss down on love,
Little Miss I give up,
Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry 'bout me anymore

Little Miss checkered dress,
Little Miss one big mess,
Little Miss I'll take less when I always give so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little Miss do your best,
Little Miss never rest,
Little Miss be my guest, I'll make more anytime it runs out

Little Miss you'll go far,
Little Miss hide your scars,
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again,
I'm okay, It'll be alright again,
I'm okay, It'll be alright again,
I'm okay

Hold on,
hold on, you are loved

Little Miss brand new start
Little Miss do your part
Little Miss big ole heart beats wide open, she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay,
It'll be alright again

Who will I see Bette Midler with now?

Hi –

I had another dream last night that was about you and the big gapping hole I now have in my life, heart, general being. All I know is that I was in my room at home, but it looked like my room in NYC and I was searching for something to wear to an event about you. It wasn’t your funeral, or what seemed to be an unveiling. What I sort of remember was we were going somewhere where there was going to be a button that was going to be lit that had your name on it, and people could press it. Pushing the button didn’t cause anything to happen, but it was just a way for people to remember you. They could go to this place (don’t ask me where it was going to be) and press this button. That’s all I remember, I was trying to get dressed and I couldn’t find anything to wear.

After this dream I proceeded to toss and turn all night long, maybe getting a total of 2 or 3 hours of sleep at most. I’m sure Carly was really glad she was sleeping next to me at this point. I also repeatedly woke up thinking I was hearing something crashing down to the floor and would yell at Carly about it. Apparently it was nothing at all. Also – who knew how much noise my room makes at night. My bed creaks like it was built 800 years ago, and not made on an assembly line by Ikea 3 years ago. My TV makes a buzzing noise, and my DVD player gets a radio transmission if the wires are all plugged in. Perhaps this is you haunting me. I would think you would want me to get my beauty rest though, so perhaps we could come up with a better way to let me know you’re around. You could have a Trisha Yearwood song start randomly playing, that would be cool.

I’m headed home from work now, where I will eat a real meal instead of cereal – you would be proud.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

If the fish swam out of the ocean
and grew legs and they started walking
and the apes climbed down from the trees
and grew tall and they started talking

and the stars fell out of the sky
and my tears rolled into the ocean
now I'm looking for a reason why
you even set my world into motion

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now I'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter

'cause if you're not really here
then I don't want to be either
I wanna be next to you
black and gold

I look up into the night sky
and see a thousand eyes staring back
and all around these golden beacons
I see nothing but black

I feel a way of something beyond them
I don't see what i can feel
if vision is the only validation
then most of my life isn't real

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now I'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter

'cause if you're not really here
then I don't want to be either
I wanna be next to you
black and gold

Coincidences, perhaps

Hi -

I'm not sure I believe in coincidences but I just want to point out that the 18th will forever be the anniversary of your death and it is also the Jewish number for life.

Just saying.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

2 months exactly and still not believing

Hi -

Where are you?

Why are you not here?

Today and I am tired and royally pissed.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

"Facebook Me!" "Tag Me!"

Yo –

It’s been a couple of days, sorry about that. I suppose you could say life is in-fact continuing to happen to me.

Carly is here visiting – which is super exciting if you ask me. She got here on Thursday and we have already managed to do quite a bit. We’ve been out to Rab’s for a night. We did some outlet shopping where I purchased real grown up clothes. I got 2 pencil skirts and some shirts to go with them from Banana Republic. I told Dad about them, and he was super excited to hear they were clothes where I could not possibly wear my usual 3 layers. You would probably be equally as excited about that fact. 

Today we managed to pull a double feature at 2 different movie theaters. We saw a riveting documentary called “Nuremburg.”  It’s a documentary that was commissioned in 1948 by the US Government that recounts what happened during the trials. It was originally aired in Germany to educate the public and then never showed in the US. It’s been off the grid until recently when it was re-mastered and now its being shown in the US for the first time. It’s exactly as you would expect a documentary from 1948 to be like, and I fell asleep. Liev Shreiber narrated it and I guess I assumed that it would be in English because of that, but it was pretty heavily subtitled. I’m usually cool with that, but for some reason today it put me right to sleep.

We also saw ‘The Social Network” tonight which is the newest Aaron Sorkin movie, and its about Facebook. Of course, it was awesome. It makes me want to read all about how Facebook came to be because this was just one side of things. I remember when I first got my Facebook account back at FSU in 2004ish. When it was only college students, and you HAD to have an edu address. Now anyone can and does have an account. Even you, still. And 2 no less. Way to go mom. If only you could update your status from where ever you are. That would be AWESOME. Or perhaps creepy. It’s really a toss up.

I’m starting to have dreams that I remember, which is unusual for me. They also are some how about you, or you are definitely a missing component of them. The first dream was a couple nights ago. I was in NYC in my apartment, Carly was here, and Dad was somewhere near by. Someone (I have no idea who) told me that you and Dad were getting a divorce; this didn’t come to a shock to me though. They then proceeded to tell me that you had been laid off from your job in the last week, which really upset me because you hadn’t told me yourself yet. Then this person went on to tell me that you had been in a car accident on your way home from getting laid off and you had lost the baby (apparently you were pregnant). All I wanted to do after hearing this was call you on the phone, but I couldn’t. It’s hazy to me if the reason I couldn’t talk to you was because we weren’t speaking to each other and that was why I was getting this information second hand, or if it literally was just not possible for some other reason. Whatever it was, I just know that I wasn’t allowed to talk to you on the phone and I was incredibly upset about that. Well, it doesn’t take a PhD to figure out the root of that dream I’m sure. I’ve been pretty vocal about how I’m upset that I can no longer talk to you on the phone and how that’s just the most ridiculous thing on the planet. It’s just that it was the first dream I’ve had in a while that I remember.

The other dream is a bit more random and I had it last night. Carly is in it again, and we are at Rab’s house. It’s Sunday, and Dad and Kahni have just showed up. Carly and I are getting ready to head back to the city and we have to be back by 1pm because I have a zip car and that is when it’s due back. Dad and Kahni are REALLY upset about that, and keep asking me ‘what are we supposed to do for the rest of the day’ and ‘can’t I just extend the rental, its only money’. I tell them that just because I have to be back at 1pm it doesn’t mean I have plans for the rest of the day, and they can come hang out with me in the city but that I have to go. Because if I don’t have the car back at 1 I will get charged a rather large fine. They don’t care and are annoyed. That’s the entire dream. No resolution, no ending, nothing.  That one I’m a bit more perplexed by. I’m sure its somehow related to you, and how we had no ending, and no resolution, and just a random last conversation, which I was drunk for. Or it could be something completely different that I am clueless about. I should Google dreams. Maybe tomorrow at work.

So yeah – nothing SUPER exciting has been keeping me busy, but I’ve been pleasantly busy nonetheless. Hopefully my busyness becomes exciting. I’m going to see Kalel on Thursday so that in itself will be amazing. Matt, Lauren, and Dad will be there too – which is also exciting. But Kalel might be at the front of the excitingness.

It’s late and I have work tomorrow so I’m going to sign off.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

The words that you said

They still ring in my head

Don't you know

We say goodbye

With a tear in our eye

Oh, where'd you go

It's alright you can sleep tonight

Knowing you'll always live on in a song

Farewell to old friends

Let's raise a glass to the bitter end

Farewell to old friends

Will you be the same when we see you again

Remember the days

When we'd laugh as you played

Who would have known

The water would come and just take you away

Oh, where'd you go

It's not alright

I can't sleep tonight

Knowing you should have played on

On and on

Farewell to old friends

Let's raise a glass to the bitter end

Farewell to old friends

Will you forgive me when I see you again

You had a good time

Drinking all of our wine

After the show

We all rode the wave

Of that crazy parade

Oh, where'd you go

What happened to

The ones we knew

As long as I'm the shiniest star

Oh, there you are

Farewell to old friends

Let's raise a glass to the bitter end

Farewell to old friends

We'll still be here when you come round again

I concur!!!!

Hi -

Stolen from Dear Colleen's etsy page - and man do I agree! (http://www.etsy.com/shop/dearcolleen?ref=seller_info)

Love you forever, miss you always,
Rachel.

Really?? Vraiment?? Realmente?? Wirklich??

Hi –

I feel like every time I sit down to write all that comes out is how amazed I am that this is where my life is right now, and how I don’t get it. But it’s the complete truth. I just don’t understand.

I had a conversation today with Dad about paying my own cell phone bill, and how it was the most ludicrous thing I had ever heard. Yes I’m 26 and have a job, but you paid my cell phone bill. Because you knew otherwise I would have a text only phone or something equally as ridiculous. But you’re not here anymore, so I guess logically that means I should pay for my phone, but see that doesn’t compute in my head. I keep coming back to – what do you mean your not here anymore?

I guess up until today I was pretty much able to deny the entire thing had ever happened. Granted I went to your funeral, and did that whole song and dance, but honestly my day-to-day life had not been changed besides talking to you on the phone. If you can believe it, this is the first outward sign that you’re gone. How insane is that? The fact that I have to pay for my own cell phone bill is what is making me realize everything. And let me tell you I’m pissed. I feel pretty belligerent about the whole thing. What do you mean I have to pay for my own cell phone, that’s just the most ridiculous thing I have EVER heard, my mom does that for me.

So now I’m sitting on the couch pouting about the whole thing. I realize I’m completely and utterly ridiculous.

So – for something less ridiculous a guest blog. From someone who whether she realizes it or not, does fix me.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Hey Sis- Well, here we are- you and I- us and the world. The world that has become so different in the almost two months since that day. That day filled with a lot of WHATS? And I don’t understands. I know this goes without saying but I have to say it because you know how I like to state the obvious when I’m not just making shit up- I love you and I am here with you. Not FOR you solely, but with you, because I need you just like I know you need me. Sometimes my heart hurts so much and it is hard to tell if I’m hurting for my own hurt or so you don’t have to.

I bought you a card. I have mixed feelings about sending it. One day I may send it. I figured, we buy each other cards for every other event in our lives… why not this one? Why are other people expected to send you a card but it is weird to come from your best friend? Well, it may not infact be weird. I just need to get over this feeling of “maybe sending a card means this is real." For the time being, I like visiting that island of denial that you Rab and Randi are habitating with the cabana boy.

In the seconds, minutes, days and months that have passed I have often thought of those things I will say to you that will make this disappear like if we were pouring a hot beverage into the mug that you so cleverly designed with the map from Harry Potter, the one Khani gave to all the Miller’s for Christmas that one year. I find a lot of things that seem pertinent in music, in the lines of our favorite television shows, some classic movies on netflix, and day to day life. I also always tell myself in those moments I should write them down so I can fill them into our daily conversations. I don’t- so don’t fear the cluster of emotional tidbits I could’ve potentially thrown your way. You are welcome. So while those things seem pertinent and relevant at the time as attempts at making our world better none have seemed more pertinent than Fix You by Coldplay. Yes, I know… sounds cheesy, cliché, etc and all those things I seek not to be.

Let me give you some background- remember that time I texted you that your mom had facebook messaged me about a shark knock joke? And you were like “no, maybe my dad thought it was Sarah Hooker” I thought that sounded odd because I’m pretty sure knows the difference between Hooker and Rosenthal. Well, you were so good in that moment… promptly calling your mom and getting it all sorted out. When in fact it was Dad on Mom’s account and knowingly sending me a message about the shark joke from back in the day when you all and Sarah Hooker would go to theme parks and wait in lines for rollercoasters. In the next day or two I got around to responding and I of course brought up in the response my mutual love with your parents of SYTYCD. Mom responded back to me with and how your dad and her hadn’t gotten around to watching all of the season but did catch the finale and she gave me her take on the fantastic dancing that occurred (we did not talk about Ellen, although I wish I had her opinion on that). Well, one thing led to another and BOY do I wish I had responded to her sooner/at all. I meant to before I went to visit you in New York, and then deadlines happened and so I put it off until I got back from our weekend o fun. Well then… that’s enough background.

So this song the first time I heard it was on SYTYCD. The routine is about a boy trying to fix his mom (quite literally the choreographer and his mom who had a big important surgery). While we know that most things make me cry like a baby… this especially did. Perhaps it’s the combination of fast movement by the dancers and the bridge of the song. Perhaps it’s the lyrics and the underlying truth of my nature that I wish I could fix the world of all the hurt, grossness and injustice, whatever it is--- it drove into my core so much that I can’t ever watch the dance again because it has instilled a cathartic reaction into my soul.

Well, as we both know I went to the SYTYCD Tour tonight. Thankfully I was not the oldest person there without a teenage children and high five to NOT having a teenage child at all. And well, it seems that routine touched many other as well that it was performed for me right in front of my face LIVE. I did all I could to muzzle myself and not explode into a blubbering mess, like we know I can. I diverted my eyes, I tried thinking about how I could beat that next level of angry birds without succumbing to the temptations of an Angry Bird video walkthrough. I was successful until that bridge part where the music picks up and its like a cluster eff of emotion with the dancers legs connecting and the girl character can stand on her own two feet again. But then the song goes back to reality and the girl is still in need of help and I am left with tears streaming down my face realizing how this pertains to now. I just want to fix you. And in the effort to fix you, it’ll fix me. I will be here as that light to guide you home, to ignite your bones and fix you. But in return you are my light that is guiding me home in order to fix me. Our friendship is built on heartstrings and these days when I feel mine tug I know yours are tugging at the other end. 

Love you

-----------------------------------

Fix You by Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse 

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I... 

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Bubble, bubble, toil, and trouble

Hi -

I can feel the tears bubbling at the surface, fighting their way out. But they never come.

I can imagine it only further intensifies the headache that is forever persisting, and impedes the healing process.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

In 1492 Christopher Columbus Sailed the Ocean Blue..

Hi –

I made it till about 1pm today before being totally and completely consumed by wanting to talk to you on the phone. It could be because I had to run some errands during my lunch break, and I would have normally called you then. And of course now it’s all I can think about and it’s bringing me down. That could also be because alcohol is actually a depressant and yesterday I consumed my fair share of it. Started the day off with a classic ‘All You Can Drink Brunch’ and as you are well aware, those usually serve as a precursor to something ridiculous. Post brunch Honey, Joey (you didn’t meet him), some of his friends, and I went to Splash, a fairly notorious gay bar, to play Tranny Bingo. Because really, what Sunday would be complete without Tranny Bingo. Part of the appeal of Tranny Bingo, besides of course the Bingo itself, is that for $7 you get 10 beers which is always a good idea. (P.S. I’m trying to say Tranny Bingo as many times as possible, to see what will happen to my blogger stats. Wish me luck)

I think we were at splash for 3 hours or something insane. All I know is it was light when we went inside and dark when we came out. We didn’t win anything either, which was a total bummer. Honey even got called up onto the stage to play a round of Tranny Spelling-Bee, and still no prizes for us. We did however manage to have a good pow-wow about life – Honey, Joey, and Myself. And really what better place to talk about life, how I miss you, and how I’m in total denial about everything then in the basement of a gay club that has unisex see-through bathroom walls. Seems appropriate to me.

As if All You Can Drink Brunch and Tranny Bingo wasn’t enough, we then decided to go to Outback for dinner. Apparently Honey and Joey have started this thing called ‘Scenic Sundays’ where you get drunk during the day and then eat dinner at a chain restaurant. Should be called ‘Train-wreck Sunday’s’ if you ask me, because that is how I feel right now. AND its Columbus Day, I really should have it off work. I mean without Christopher Columbus America would have never been discovered. My middle school text book told me as much.

So yeah, I’m all sorts of a Debbie Downer today. I really would like to go back to bed and not move for awhile. I don’t think I’d feel better, but there at least I would have a TV and my comfy bed. I’d definitely be more comfortable.

Alright – I’ve stretched this lunch break to about an hour, I should probably get back to work. Miss you a lot, and wish you were on the other end of the line.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything
and everybody believed in you”

I'm a frog

Hi


I have these moments that come on where I am completely and utterly consumed by thoughts of you. Then I have other moments where without realizing it, your death is the farthest thing from my mind. I have this feeling there is some saying somewhere about life really being about moments. That would be a platitude I would buy into right now. I feel like a frog who is jumping from one lily pad of moments to the next pad of moments.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

If you were counting the days...54 have come and gone.

Hi –

It’s been close to 2 months. Not that I’m exactly counting the days or anything, but if you were curious it’s been exactly 54 days, 1,296 hours, 77,760 minutes, and 4,665,600 seconds. Again, not that I’m keeping track or anything. And Friday was the first time that I could feel part of my old self-present. Maybe I shouldn’t say my old self, seeing as how I’m definitely not exactly the same or ever will be, but I can feel that ‘rachelness’ that was totally unique to me returning.

My old self wasn’t there the entire day, but there were definitely a hand full of moments where I was my old/new self, and there were some people who even recognized it.  I was totally on at work, which was part of it I’m sure. I was productive all day long, and it felt good. I proactively ran reports, was on top of my email all day replying as soon as possible, pulling information on SKU counts from the recess of my brain, thinking about our future email’s and promotions, I was there and accounted for. It was the first time since everything that I felt good about my job again.

Of course after work I went to the Pub with Ila, Nancy, and my Adult Swim contact Alison who is in town, we all threw a few back – ya know the usual.  In the course of throwing back my drinks I was bee-bopping around to the new Taylor Swift song, and Nancy looked at me and said, “I haven’t seen you like this in a while, monk. It’s nice.” I looked her straight in the eyes and told her she was right. And she was, but as soon as the old/new self surfaced, she went right back in again. Hopefully, soon I’ll be able to be that person for longer bits of time.

Leaving the pub was really hard to do because I was at that exact drunk point where I would have called you during my walk. I would have called and rambled the entire way about the Trisha Yearwood cooking demonstration I had tickets for. I would have gone on and on about what I was going to wear, what time I wanted to get there, if I wanted to get there super early to make sure I was in the front row, my usual neurosis, and you would have laughed at me the entire time and told me I was ridiculous. Instead though, I put my headphones in and went to the grocery store to get dinner for Honey and myself. I felt you with me though knowing that we would have been on the phone then. I felt you so much that I donated one of those dollar charity things they always ask you about at the check out counter. The ones that are various colors depending on the charity and hot air balloon shaped. I don’t even know what the charity was for, but I know you would have been sucked into giving the dollar yourself, so I did it for you. I almost even signed your name to the card, but in the last second I put mine instead.

I know Dad wants me to call him in those moments and tell him my meaningless chatter, but I’m not there yet. The only thing I can compare it to is how Diane doesn’t grocery shop on Sundays at 11am anymore. That was your time together. Well those calls were ours. Plus, I’m pretty sure 2 or 3 calls in and Dad will be begging me to stop. Sometimes you didn’t even want to listen to me ramble on, but you didn’t have a choice in the matter. You are after all my Mother, comes with the territory. I’m sure somewhere in the rulebook of being a mother ‘must listen to inane chatter’ is listed.

Today was a really good day too, not because I had more old/new self-moments, but it was a nice relaxing Honey and Rachel day, which we haven’t done in forever. We had the Trisha Yearwood cooking demonstration today, which of course was awesome – as if it wouldn’t have been. Plus we hit up an ‘all you can drink’ brunch which is always a good idea. Trisha was great. She made a 6-layer carrot cake, but no tastes were allowed because of food allergies or something. Who knows, sounds stupid to me. She was great though, very personable and funny. Honey even said to me that she seems like a very nice person, and that she would be fun to hang out with. From Honey that’s a pretty big compliment, especially since she likes to bust my balls on my love of all things Trisha Yearwood. 

After the demonstration we went to her book signing. I was a bit resistant to wait in the line and everything, but Honey pushed me to do it, and she was right too. I’m pretty sure the hesitation came from knowing that I would have had her sign the book to you. Admitting that to myself has got to count for something right? I’ll be sure to tell good ole Judy this story on Wednesday. 

Honey and I also went to New York Comic-Con since I could get us in for free with my work badges. It was ridiculous. I saw and accidently brushed up against way to many grown-up, smelly, fully dressed in costume, men. Pretty sure Honey saw more than she wanted as well. Nevin keeps saying that one day he wants us to be able to have a booth at both Comic-Con’s and sell merchandise there. It’s a good business idea, but all that runs through my head is the Ellen DeGeneres season premiere central park show from hell where we had a booth for the shop. Ugh is what I think and feel about that.

More I want to tell you, but this is getting long, and its 3am. Perhaps my bedtime on the weekends is why I have such a hard time falling asleep during the week.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.

Hi -

Recently the song 'Your Ex-Lover is Dead' was brought to my attention on Facebook and I'm obsessed with it, obsessed I tell you. I've already listened to it 5 times today, and I've googled the band to see what other songs they have to see if I might enjoy them as well. There is something so hauntingly beautiful about it. The video is pretty good as well.

It doesn't really apply to me seeing as how its about lost love and things, but nonetheless I love it. There are just some really great lyrics in it. - "Live through this, and you won't look back..."

Just wanted to share.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55FMOJMhV9s

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

Can't fight this feeling...

Hi -

The urge to call you, or some how speak to you and hear your voice is incredibly overwhelming right now.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

Yo, Grandma -

Hi -

He has landed - Kalel Adrian Rosenthal 10/6/10, Libra, year of the tiger, future whatever he wants.

Weigh = 8.2 lbs; Height = 52 1/2 centimeters; Head Circumference = 34.5 centimeters

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

Baby in progress

Hi –

As of right now Lauren is in labor but still no official baby yet.  It’s quite insane if you ask me. Who knew it took so long. I guess every mother on the planet knows that it could take this long.  (and in the course of writing this, Matt texted – they are going in for a C-Section)

Um – Also while I am writing this I saw a commercial for a show on TLC called ‘Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss.’ I’m offended by it to be honest. Why do they need their own show? How come they can’t be on the regular ‘Say Yes to the Dress?' Why do they need to be singled out? The name of the original show wasn't 'Say Yes to the Dress: Thin Brides.' I should write them a letter.

I’ve gone from not really having any thoughts swirling around in my head to being completely obsessed with thinking how I don’t understand how this happened. Its not angry thoughts just complete and utter dumb-foundedness. I constantly find myself saying things like ‘weird, how is this possible? How is this my life right now? What do you mean I can’t talk to you? Hmmm.’ I’m just completely and honestly perplexed by the situation I find myself in.

I had a session with Dr. Lee today. She’s a lovely woman and I think she’s probably good at her job, but I don’t think she’s it for me.  I just don’t think we clique very well. When I first walk in she asks ‘What do you want to talk about today.’ And the truth is nothing.  I don’t WANT to talk about anything.  Isn’t part of her job to ask leading questions? Well, I don’t feel that way about it.  Also, she brings everything back to being a possible reason for me not having a boyfriend. Trying to find out why I’ve never had one, and why I’m not currently seeking one out. I explained to her that its not that I don’t want one, or that I’m closed off to one but that I don’t actively seek it out.  And anytime we get into something she always some how brings it back there. I could say the sky was blue, and I’m pretty sure her next question would be, well do you think the fact that you believe that is the reason you don’t have a boyfriend? For shits and giggles I should say ‘yes’ next time she asks to see what her reaction would be. That’s probably not something you should think and or want to do to your therapist.

I could also just not like therapy too, that’s possible. I don’t feel like there is something I would tell Dr. Lee and not one of my friends, so who knows.

I still see you in all the images I have in my head of what my future will look like. I wonder how long you’ll be there. I hope forever, I like you there.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Are you watching me

Hi - 

Do you ride with the wind? Are you watching? 

The sleep timer on my TV just went off, I guess I should take that as a sign that I should perhaps go to sleep. I'm not really sure why I'm still awake to be honest. I should have been asleep hours ago seeing as how I took a red-eye last night but what do ya know - WIDE AWAKE am I. 

I guess I'm just going to bite the bullet and force myself to go to sleep. Or perhaps not, I just found an episode of Friends on, and man do I love those Friends. It's the episode where Rachel turns 30 and they have flashbacks to everyone else's 30th's. Pretty entertaining if you ask me. I guess we will be adding seeing me turn 30 to the list of misses that will be happening between you and I. At least you saw Matt turn 30. I have a feeling they will be much the same. Some of the guests will definitely be the same if I were to throw myself a party - Mikaela, Matt, and Lauren. Everyone always thinks about the big things that we will miss out on together - the weddings, births, birthdays, holidays, etc. And so far you've missed one wedding and your presence was definitely missed, but its not those moments that I miss you the most. Its pretty much everything else. Well its actually everything. I miss everything - talking on the phone at work, talking on the phone at home, getting your email forwards that sometimes were beyond stupid, putting my arm around you and having you fit just right in my shoulder because you were so tiny, bouncing potential life decisions off of you, discussing the current fall TV line up and our favorites and total disappointments, discussing Aaron Sorkin's new movie 'The Social Network' and who he should get to play John Edwards in the new biopic he's working on (I thought Rob Lowe might work), being disappointed in Hershey's new Pumpkin Kisses together because they used white chocolate instead of milk or dark, telling you totally ridiculous things that you really don't care to hear but since your my mom you have to - For Example, I wore grown up sneakers today. They had real support in them, laces, and everything. They weren't slip-ons or flip flops or anything - you would have been proud. 

And on that long rambling note about my footwear choices amongst other things I'm actually going to go to bed. Hopefully I'll be asleep by 1am. Wish me luck. If nothing else, hopefully Kalel will have arrived by the AM. If wishing only made it so.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Now she's walking through the clouds
With a circus mind
That's running wild
Butterflies and zebras
And moonbeams and fairytales
All she ever thinks about is riding with the wind...

When I'm sad she comes to me
With a thousand smiles
She gives to me, free
It's alright, it's alright' she says
Take anything you want from me
Anything

Now she's walking through the clouds
With a circus mind
That's running wild
Butterflies and zebras
And moonbeams and fairytales
All she ever thinks about is riding with the wind...

Fly Little Wing...
I want her to fly