Hi –
I feel that it is important to write down the way it all went down on the day you died. Not that I will ever forget, but it’s something I get asked, “How did you find out?” Well – this is how.
It was a Wednesday – 8.18.10. – A date that I think would be interesting to have analyzed by a Kabbalist, or a Numerologist. The number 18 is the Jewish number for life. The day you died was double life.
It was a regular Wednesday. I don’t remember anything standing out about it. I know I tried to call you at your office around 4ish. I had a night shift at the pub so I knew I wasn’t going to talk to you that night, and I hadn’t talked to you on Tuesday. The last time we talked was on Monday. I had been at the pub having drinks with Ila and called you when I was walking home. I honestly have NO idea what we talked about. Probably Kalel, Matt & Lauren, and our upcoming trip to San Francisco for the wedding, but that’s just an educated guess.
My shift at the pub started at 6. It was surprisingly quiet inside. My friend Seema (not Seema Shah, but bar-Seema as we have named her) was sitting at the bar so we were chitchatting. Siobhan kept yelling at me to stop talking to her and to get back to my section. I laughed and rolled my eyes at her pointing out that Seema was sitting in my section. I had my cell phone in my apron and it kept vibrating saying that Skip was calling and texting me. I didn’t think anything of it. I figured it had to do with Aunt Sus’s inheritance money because I knew that was coming through any day, and maybe he needed my social security number or something. And since Siobhan had already been annoyed with me for hanging out with Seema I didn’t want to egg her on by taking my cell phone out so I just let it go.
It was about 7 when I was standing back in the drink station when Siobhan comes back and mockingly tells me ‘Ms. Rosenthal there is a phone call for you’ and me being the asshole I am probably muttered something like ‘ha that’s because I'm so important’. I went to the phone and it was Matt. He said you were in the hospital and it was serious and I needed to go home, pack a bag, and get on a plane, and that Ila was waiting for me at my apartment. I have no idea what I said to him except OK. I yelled to Siobhan, told her I was leaving. I was running down the stairs to get my stuff and yelling my mom is in the hospital, and that I had to leave. I took off my apron and handed it to her with all its open checks, cash, and credit cards, and ran out the door. I called Matt back but he wasn’t answering. I called Ila and she told me she was in a cab and would meet me at my apartment. I still had no idea what was going on or what was about to happen.
At this point I’m walking along 7th avenue on my way home. Matt’s not answering, and I get this text from Skippy that says ‘Call me, it’s a family emergency,’ so I call. He picks up, and asks where I am. I tell him on 7th avenue walking home. He asks, “how long before you’re home?” I’ll never forget the stupid answer I gave him, “You mean home to Florida, hours. But I’ll be at my apartment in the city in another 5 minutes or so.” He says, “good. Will anyone be there when you get there?” I tell him I’m sure honey is there now; I don’t know where else she would be. And that my close friend Ila is meeting me at my apartment. He says OK, and wants me to call him back when I’m at home and with someone. I don’t think I said anything at first, but I remember thinking what difference does that make; just tell me whatever is going on. I must have said something to him out loud because I remember him saying ‘its serious, call me when you get home.” At this point I was in the intersection of 50th, leaving the corner where the Fridays was, and crossing over to where Ghirardelli’s was, and I asked ‘is she dead?’ and he said ‘yes, I’m sorry, yes.’ I must have said OK. I’m not really sure what else I would have said. I said I would call him back when I got home, and then I hung up.
I sort of get stuck on the fact that I asked ‘Is she dead?’ Why did I ask that? Why was that where my head went first?
I then proceeded to start hyperventilating and talk to myself out loud. I must have looked like an insane homeless person. I was walking faster than I’ve ever walked, not paying attention to the lights, talking to myself, hyperventilating, and waving my arms up and down. I called Sara but I knew she was on a plane. I called her mom, and she didn’t answer, so I left her what could only be described as an incoherent message of rambling ‘have Sara call me as soon as she lands, have Sara call me, have Sara call me.’ At this point I’m still only on 48th
I walk the rest of the way. I didn’t make the light on my street corner to cross to my side of the street, so I walk down the side that is opposite my apartment so that at least I’m on not standing still. I can see Ila standing in front of my apartment under the awning, and there isn’t traffic so I cross the street and I can hear her saying something to me. Probably something like ‘it will be OK, we will figure this out’ and I yell at her ‘my mother is dead’ and then proceed to collapse right in front of her. She is super confused. Because I guess the last time she had talked to Matt you were still alive, well not anymore. She’s confused, and is in shock, and doesn’t understand what I'm saying to her so I keep repeating it. She finally realizes we are on the curb outside and gets me up and inside.
I go flying into my apartment; I'm sure scaring the shit out of honey, and into my room and strip off my work clothes. Ila gets herself together and takes my phone and asks me who to call. I tell her Skippy. So she calls him, and talks to him. My options are presented to me. I can fly home right then and Ila will go with me. Or I can go to Rabs for the night and fly with her in the morning. All I know is that I keep muttering while hyperventilating; I want to talk to my brother. That was the only coherent thought I could put together. Ila kept asking why I wanted to talk to him, and I said I needed him to tell me what to do. For some reason I couldn’t fathom making this decision. I’m not sure if its because I was in such shock I wasn’t understanding, all I know is that I needed him to tell me what to do. It’s decided that I’m going to spend the night in Jersey at Rab’s and we will fly together in the morning.
After it’s decided that I’m going to leave in the AM, Honey and Ila help me get dressed and pack a bag. We then sit on the couch and they stare at me for the next 30 minutes as we wait for Ed to come get me, and I get sick a couple times. Eventually Ed comes, I break the news to Sara, and I begin a texting marathon with everyone I know that lasts for days.
I make it out to Rabs, we book flights that get us home sometime in the afternoon, and I call everyone I can think of at home because they’ve all drank or drugged themselves into a stupor and I’m not entirely clear who is picking me up. But I give everyone I can think of our flight. Rab makes baked brie for her, Ed, and me since none of us have eaten anything, and at this point its about midnight. In the matter of 5 hours my entire life has changed. You were dead, and at that point I could honestly not tell you what you had died of. If you ask Rab I was telling people a culinary embolism.
I park myself on the couch in the TV room. I watch a bit of the Hangover. I call Abby and Ashley and tell them. Around 1ish I realize I haven’t heard from any of the Miller’s, which I thought was really weird. I know they are all in California at a wedding, so I start calling people. I try Carly and she doesn’t answer. I try Meridith, again no answer. Carly calls me back and I tell her. Through the phone I can hear her complete confusion over what I’ve told her and she’s opening and closing doors, trying to locate Piper and George. We talk for a bit and she tells me they will all start booking flights and making their way back to Florida.
Lizzie comes home around 2ish and sits with me on the couch for a while. She’s been great during all this, a safe place for me, and I think it’s brought us closer. We talk; about what, who knows. We watch a skinamax porn called Busty Cops 4. And somehow time goes by, and before I know it I’m in the shower and getting ready to go home.
Rab and I make it to South Florida, Randi picks us up, and the rest happens.
I spend the next days hugging people who hold on too long, making inappropriate jokes, staring into space, eating more food then should ever be allowed, and laying on your side of the bed.
That’s how it all went down, at least the way I remember it.
There were a lot of people who stepped up the proverbial plate those first few days who will never know how much they helped Matt, Daddy, and me. There are people still stepping up to the plate and helping. They are both the expected and the unexpected. There are people who have taken on some big responsibilities in terms of my life who will never know how much I love them for it. There are thank yous I want to give out, but they don’t seem like enough, so I keep quite. I’m going with the thought that they know.
The family photo from my wedding day that only exists in my head is still missing you, and there is a hole in it because of that. However, slowly there is a new photo happening. Before 8/18/10 it would have been you and daddy on my side. Now, there is a whole gaggle of people on my side. Because if its going to be a family photo these people have to be in it.
Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel
“These feelings wont go away
They’ve been knocking me sideways”
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