Turks & Caicos Islands motto ‘Beautiful by Nature, Clean by Choice’

Hi –

My motto as of late has been, ‘relax. It’s not your decision to make. You don’t need to stress out about it. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. No matter how much you stress out about it, it’s not going to change anything.’

Do you think its working?

I’m going to take the fact that I didn’t go to work today, or get out of bed until after 2 as a sign that maybe it’s not.

Not sure how to fix any of it though. Sometimes, I’m just not sure how to do things now that you’re gone.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Mercury is in retrograde

Hi –

Who knew when you striped away the music and noise of Nine Inch Nails you could get this:

“My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.

Scraping through my head ‘till I don’t want to sleep anymore.”

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Being a grown-up blows.

Hey –

I gotta say, I’m a little pissed – and it’s directed a bit at you. Sorry about that, but its true.

I’m attempting to get my life in order, and make all these grown up decisions and I don’t feel at all equipped to be making them. I have a feeling using the reasoning of what’s cheapest doesn’t exactly put confidence in the whole trying to be a grown up thing.

Also, I have to say that you being gone has put an un-expected financial burden in my life. Not because I'm poor anything, but because I find myself paying for all these things that you used to pay for. Which again, goes along with the whole trying to be a grown up thing.

You better believe that I’m going to start cutting coupons when I get to Florida. I’m going to become one of those ladies that Publix has to pay when I go shopping for groceries. That’s it right there my new life goal - screw being happy, and finding love, and becoming an upstanding citizen – just call me the crazy coupon lady.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

I need a hero...

Hi -

I need answers to questions, please and thank you.

You always gave them. Now people keep telling me to figure it out on my own. Don't they know that's the last thing I want to do. Or know how to do.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Post 157, if you were curious...

Hi –

Lately I’ve noticed that I haven’t been posting as much as I used to.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I wonder if by writing to you hear and continuing to talk to you the way I always did, it somehow keeps me from accepting everything.

Then I think that’s crazy. If by writing to you here and talking to you hear makes me feel better, than I should definitely keep doing it – and screw everything else.

Then I get fixated on what actually happened, and where you might be, and what I think happened, and karma, and god, and if being a good person pays off, and how I’m a little angry, and how after everything is it possible I can be happy and laugh and forget for a minute, and then I finally realize where I went for a minute and I try and shake it off.  But I can’t. I never can. It’s all there, all the time.

Man, am I a bucket of sunshine or what!

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Memories, May be beautiful....

Hi –

I was sitting here just now and had the most random memory come to mind.

You and I were in the car, you had just picked me up from the airport, and we were driving back to the house. I was in town for your and Dad’s anniversary / Matt and Lauren’s engagement party, but Grandpa had just died. We were in your brand new BMW and you were really proud of the fact that your Bluetooth was hooked up and you could work it. During the car ride you were getting phone call after phone call. One of which was the caterer for the party, and you were talking about how it was still going on as planned because it’s what he would have wanted, and it’s what you wanted. The good and the bad must be celebrated together. (How very Jewish of us)

Then, you told me the story about the message that grandma left on the answering machine at Carol Gardens. I can’t remember anything else about the car ride except I’m sure at some point I made a sick joke, to which you would have called me a ‘sick puppy.’

God I miss your laugh and sense of humor.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Cleverness is eluding me at the moment...

Hi Mom,

Oh how things can change in the blink of a moment. I started this day on cloud 9. I was in an awesome mood. Tipped the coffee cart guy a dollar because it was a beautiful day, made it into work on time, I’ve booked all my random plane tickets all across the country for the next month, things were going along really nicely today. It only takes a minute though, and most of the time its nothing earth shattering that can change my mood drastically, but man does it change. When it does change, it does downhill fast. I find that I can’t get out of my funks as easily as I used too. Probably because once I'm in the funk, all I can think about is how you’re gone. Shocker I know.

In the past 30 minutes or so, I’ve muttered the following sentences out loud; “UGH. Really. You have got to be fucking kidding me. What the hell. Seriously. Oh hell no, I’m not replying to that email right now. Fuck off.” Ya know, lady like sentences.

Anyway, going to attempt to finish this day without throwing my keyboard through my monitor. Wish me luck!

Love you forever, Miss you much.

Rachel

“If we’re being honest, than honestly I think I need a drink.”

Please and Thank you!

Hi –

I wish you were here to help. But if you were here, then I probably wouldn’t be making the decisions that I have to make. But then you would be here. So it’s an awesome catch-22.

Can you call me from where you are please so I can talk this through? Thanks.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream....

Hi –

Sometimes late at night when I’m trying to fall asleep I lay in bed, and I can see my life 15 years from now.  The picture is always a little fuzzy, and I can’t exactly make out what I’m doing or who I’m with, but what always comes across clear as day, is that I’m happy.  I can tell that I’ve made it to a point where I think I might be content. Then I look to the side and I can tell that you’re missing; I can feel your absence somehow.

I guess that’s how my life will play out, and already has started to somewhat. I will be happy; I am now. I will find love, have a family, and live out my life. But I’ll be in those moments, and at the same time be out of them looking for you off to the side. It will be my rock in my pocket.

In other news I think I have set a record for mistakenly dialing your work and cell phone number in a week, and its only Tuesday. Every time I’ve done it was when I was trying to call Dad. I would have a thought in my head, pick up the phone and start dialing without even realizing it. I never completed your numbers, so I guess that’s something.

I’ve done nothing in the way of packing up any of my belongings, so I’m obviously awesome on that front. As well as I haven’t been able to fall asleep before 1am for days now.  And with that thought I’m going to go to bed now, in the hopes that I fall asleep in the next hour.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise”

Lets get physical, physical.

Hi –

Ila is a really smart person, in case you didn’t already know that. I was telling her that after all my bitching about having to wait until 6 months to make life decisions; it really is this magical amount of time.

It’s been almost 7 months now, and I do feel like I’m coming out on the other side of something. I tired to articulate this to Ila tonight. The best way I could think to explain it was that 6 months is just enough time for you to realize that it’s true. You’re really gone, and not coming back. It’s enough time to accept this new person you’ve become, and figure out how to cope.  It’s enough time for my heart not to stop every time I think about you. It definitely is this magical amount of time.

In explaining this to Ila she said to me, “so instead of time heals all wounds, the saying should be time heals all shock.” And you know what, she’s right. That’s exactly what the magical 6 months is about. The shock has worn off. It's possible that now I really believe you're gone.

In other news, I had a physical today since it’s been a while and I got a clean bill of health. Go me!

Anyway, that’s all for now. I’m going to call Daddy now and find out how Crickets did today.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Kimchi - yes please, Cheese - hell yes.

Hi –

Awhile ago I read an article about a Korean BBQ Taco Truck that was going to open in Manhattan. Something you may have never known was that I LOVE Korean BBQ. I love it. They use magical marinade or something, but the sweet juicy meat is amazing. Plus I enjoy cooking my own meat on the table in front of me. Gives me an activity while I’m eating, and helps curb the speed at which I eat my food on a normal day. So yeah – I’ve been staking said taco truck which is called Kimchi Taco Truck (http://kimchitacotruck.com/index.html). They already have a truck in LA, but they kept pushing back the opening of the NYC truck, until last week. They finally opened in Long Island City (LIC), which I have to say I didn’t even know LIC had lunch trucks. Anyway – they finally made their way to Manhattan this week, and today they were in midtown.

Now, I often times build things up and then face a tad bit of disappoint when it doesn’t live up to my expectations, but the Kimchi Taco Truck rocks. I stood out in the brisk 35 degree weather for an hour; and it was worth every minute and frozen toe I had. I ordered the Kimchi BBQ Beef Cheesesteak with Cheez-Whiz and it was phenomenal. So yeah, if you are offered Korean BBQ wherever you are jump at the chance. And on top of that, if they offer to make it into a cheesesteak do it. It was so delicious, and now it’s all gone, tear. I’m pretty sure in less than 5 minutes I ate all my weight watcher points for the day – woops.

Crickets opened today, so that’s exciting. It’s their soft open, in a week or so I think they are going to have a grand opening party. I’m really excited about it. I can’t wait to have a pastrami sandwich on toasted rye with Russian dressing and coleslaw. They are also stocking garlic pickles, which surprisingly I’ve never had, so I’ll try one of those too.

I don’t really have much else to tell you. I’m in a holding pattern till I hear back from Designzillas. I’ve talked to Nevin and Ellen about how I’m leaving. They both understand and I think are supportive in the way a boss who’s not happy about you leaving could be. Ellen recognized that it was the right thing for me to do. There’s some talk about possibly working remotely from Orlando if I don’t get the account manager job. I think that will be really helpful if it works out. Unfortunately just waiting and seeing what happens, sucks though. There are so many things I want to do, and people I want to be near, but none of that can happen till I’m in Florida.

That’s about it for me. The other really exciting thing is I found Pinnacle Whipped Cream flavored vodka here the other day. Honey and I are thinking if we make White Russians with it, or add it to some Hot Chocolate it would be pretty tasty. I’ll let you know how that goes.

So to sum up this conversation my life revolves around food and booze. That's ok right?

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

"And I don't know where you might be
Wherever it is, it will be without me
I keep thinkin' I'll come home
One day and find you"

Smell ya later...

Hi –

I may or may not have doused my scarf in your perfume this morning to mask the smell of old beer. That’s right; I’m awesome and incredibly classy.

Not much to tell you right now, except that awesome tidbit. I felt that it needed to be shared.

I’m also currently getting a bit teary eyed while sitting at my desk listening to the song ‘See You When I see You’ by Jason Aldean, because in addition to being classy I’m also quite a sap.

So you enjoy the song lyrics below, and I’ll enjoy smelling like you all day.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

‘Let's don't say goodbye
I hate the way it sounds
So if you don't mind
Let's just say for now

See you when I see you
Another place some other time
If I ever get down your way
Or you're ever up around mine
We'll laugh about the old days
And catch up on the new
yeah I'll see you when I see you
And I hope it's someday soon

God made this old world round
And maybe it's that way
So that paths that we go down
Yeah I will cross again someday
And someday I'll...

See you when I see you
Another place some other time
If I ever get down your way
If you're ever up around mine-just stop by
We'll laugh about the old days
And catch up on the new
Yeah I'll see you when I see you
Till then my prayers are with you
And I hope it's someday soon'

What is a painter, Alex!

Hi –

In case where ever you are you are sitting on the edge of your seat wondering about Hitler. He was in fact a painter prior to becoming a dictator and leader of the Nazi party.

I suppose that’s interesting enough. Maybe one day it will be a jeopardy question.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Another productive day at home

Hi –

So lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time sitting on the couch watching TV, getting stoned, and repeating over and over in my head; ‘you’re really gone, how is it you’re really gone?’ Not really sure what that says about me, but I’m sure it’s something.

I’m not crying, or upset. I’m literally just sitting there, happily going on with my life watching TV, probably having a good time with whoever is with me, but also thinking ‘what do I do now? How do I grow up, become an adult, have a family? Who will show me how to be in love and have a husband? Who is going to be my sounding board for making big decisions?

So yeah, maybe I’m not so close to acceptance.

In other news, I’m watching ‘Justified’ Season 1, and I’m wondering if it’s historically accurate that Hitler was a painter?

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Slow down you crazy child

You're so ambitious for a juvenile

But then if you're so smart tell me why

Are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?

You better cool it off before you burn it out

You got so much to do and only

So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told

That you can get what you want

Or you can just get old

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine

You can't be everything you want to be

Before your time

Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)

Too bad but it's the life you lead

You're so ahead of yourself

That you forgot what you need

Though you can see when you're wrong

You know you can't always see when you're right (you're right)

You got your passion you got your pride

But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?

Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true

When will you realize

Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child

Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while

It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two

When will you realize...

Vienna waits for you.

And you know that when the truth is told

That you can get what you want

Or you can just get old

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

Why don't you realize...Vienna waits for you

When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

American Idol and painting my nails - I'm beyond exciting!

Hi Lady,

Sorry it’s been so long, but I talk to you in my head too. Do you hear me?

I’ve been to Orlando and back. I drank half way around the world at Epcot. One day I would like to attempt it again.  When I have more time, and perhaps a smaller group of people. It was hard for all of us to visit each country together, and travel at the same pace. I had a great time though.

I’m 150% convinced that moving to Orlando is the right thing for me. Everything else though, who knows. There are a million and one decisions that I will have to make in the coming weeks, and I'm scared. I don’t want to second-guess myself at every turn, but I feel like I already am. I know when it comes down to it, I’ll trust my gut and make split second decisions. Much like I did when I ended up in Italy instead of London for a semester. That one worked out really well for me, so here’s hoping I chose the right choices in the coming weeks. I’m just a little concerned about the weeks of waiting that will be coming my way.

I will say this though, every time I think about missing out on baby Huang-Gacek and baby Doyle I get sad. Thank god for planes, and credit cards with airline rewards.

I honestly have nothing interesting to say at this given moment in time. I’m sitting on my bed fast forwarding through American Idol so I only have to hear the singing, and simultaneously painting my nails. Shocker I know.

I miss you terribly. Again, nothing new. I honestly think it doesn’t get any easier. If anything it gets more difficult. As more time passes you think you should be moved on. It’s no longer news that you’re gone. I should know how to deal at this point. It eventually will no longer be an acceptable reason for being in a bad mood, or being a little sad. But I’m not dealing, and I still get sad. As more time passes, more things have happened that you have missed. More things in my life are changing, and not the way they were the last time you were here.

Enough melancholy-ness. I’m going to crawl under the covers now, and really focus on my fast forwarding.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel