Things we carry...

Hey,

I’ve spent all day waiting to feel something. Whether it be bad, or sad, or empty, just something; and it never came. Sort of the same way I felt on your birthday. I think it speaks more to the place I’m in my life then anything else. I have no idea what I want on any scale – job, location, love, life – that adding you into the mix just makes me a bit disengaged if that makes any sense.

Someone told me to wish my mom a Happy Mothers Day today, and I didn’t correct them. I just let it go. It felt easier not to correct them. Not to go into it all. Not to bring that into the new relationship with the person.  Give myself more time to be a regular unscathed person. Not that who I am now is a bad thing, but it’s a thing. It’s a thing I carry. I’ll always carry. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m almost compelled to text them now and correct them, but that feels a bit on the crazy scale. I’ll wait for it to come up naturally.

It is interesting to think about that every new person I meet has no idea. Every person you meet comes with a blank slab of sorts. You assume everyone has a bit of baggage they carry around with them, but for those first 5 minutes or so everyone’s totally normal and unscathed. Then they ask what your parents do, it comes out, and there’s a look. There’s always a look. 

In the beginning there was a shock value of sorts in seeing the look on the other persons face. I almost got off on it in a sick way. Now, I just don’t want to see it. I think, I hope, it's because I’m evolving. Growing. Coming to terms I suspect. Who knows. I’ve sort of come to a place where I’ve stopped trying to figure it all out. Or just this anyway. I’ve been leaning into it and just going with the flow of things.

In the vein of just going with the flow, Happy Mothers Day! I’ll leave you with the memory of the Mothers Day where we met Herman for the first time. I was sitting at one of the folding tables with you, Sheila, and Joel. We were drinking mimosas and eating quiche. Herman walked by, and Joel says to us ‘Dead man walking’. We all almost fell out of our chairs laughing so hard. Grandma Henny did manage to outlive 3 men.

Love you always, Miss you forever.

Rachel

“Since I was a girl
Dreamed of a different life
Far away in the lights
But now I’m here
Staring into the face of the unknown

And who was I to think I could fool them
When I don’t even know who I am
What’s it gonna take to make me worthy
What’s it’s gonna take to make me strong
I don’t have much to give
I’ve only just begun to live

So how do I become somebody new
How do I begin to make this happen
How will I believe and see this through
When I feel so unready
And I feel so alone

Back on solid ground
My head is spinning round
My heart is in two different worlds
But I’m still here
Wondering where I fit into this madness

I thought when I was home I’d see clearly
But there’s so much I don’t understand
What’s it’s gonna take to lift the darkness
What’s it’s gonna take to light my way
I have so much to give
I’ve only just begun to live

So how do I begin my life anew
How do I begin to make this happen
How do I believe and see this through
Cause I feel like I’m ready
But I still feel unsure”

Shit’s About To Get Real!

Hi –

Well, shits about to get real. Really real. Like, lets start the 2-week countdown to my unemployment begins real. Yep, 2 weeks. Starts now (or tomorrow rather). In 2 weeks I, Rachel Rosenthal, will be unemployed. Without income. Sans health insurance. (Or cheaper health insurance). Able to sleep till whenever I want. Not a slave to the man. I could go on, but I’ll stop myself.

But that’s the gist.

In 2 weeks my journey/expedition of self-exploration will begin. First order of business is - get a better name for whatever it is I’m doing. 

Moral of this story is I’m clueless. I’m embracing said cluelessness though. I have no idea what I’m going to do, or where I’m going to go. I’ve put together a very very very loose road map that consists of go to Hawaii for the Rosenthal/Lamonica week-o-fun and then go back to Matt and Lauren’s. Plan over. How does it look?

I have ideas of going to NYC, Jersey, Boston, DC, Austin, Seattle, Chicago, Nashville, and New Orleans. Pretty much anywhere USA that I have not been before, or have a couch to crash on. But that’s it. (This is becoming my catch phrase, by the way). Seriously plan over. Now, how does it look?

Not only am I clueless, but oh yeah Terrified. With a capital T. Completely, truly, utterly, terrified.  I’ve got to figure my shit out. And by shit I mean life. And by life I mean what I want. And by what I want, I mean just that what I want.  Is it to be a product developer and make licensed merchandise for the rest of my life? Because, I’m pretty sure that’s not it.

Is it to find a way back into entertainment and somehow be involved in the process of bringing movies and TV to people? Something I love more then anything else that I can’t get enough of. Because I think that might be it. Magical question is how the hell do I go about doing that?

Is it to finally meet someone and fall in love, and start a family and have something be more important to me then a job? Have a reason beyond a job to get up and go about my day? Because I think that might be it too. 2^nd magical question, how the hell do I do that?

How the hell do I do anything really?

So yeah like I said, shits about to get real.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“Woke up on the wrong side of rock bottom

Throw a lot of pennies in a well

That done run dry

Light up and smoke 'em if you have 'em

But you just ain't got 'em

Yeah ain't we always looking

For a bluer sky

If you're ever gonna find a silver lining

It's gotta be a cloudy day

If you wanna fill your bottle up with lightening

You're gonna have to stand in the rain

Lemonade keeps turning into lemons

And you wear your heart on a ripped

Unraveled sleeve

Been run through the wringer

And pushed on to your limit

Say you're just unlucky

But luck ain't what you need

'Cause if you're ever gonna find

A four-leaf clover

You gotta get a little dirt on your hands

And if you wanna find a head

That fits your shoulder

You're gonna have to go to the dance

If you wanna find the honey

You can't be scared of the bees

And if you wanna see the forest

You're gonna have to look past the trees

If you're ever gonna find a silver lining

It's gotta be a cloudy day

If you wanna fill your bottle up with lightning

You're gonna have to stand in the rain”

I think my name might be Virginia…

Hi –

The last few days and weeks have been quite interesting and eye opening. A few weeks back I decided that I wanted to get off lexapro. It’s been over 6 years since I first went on it and my life is in a completely differently place – maybe my coping mechanisms have improved. Well, definitely not. So while I’ve made it through the withdrawal symptoms finally, its blaringly obvious there was a reason I went on the meds to begin with, and the reasons, while they might be different now, are still reasons nonetheless. So back on it I go. Yippee! Once again as Meridith has pointed out, there is nothing about any of this that says I shouldn’t be in therapy.

So while I’ve accepted that I probably have to be on this stuff for quite some time, I’m not exactly thrilled about it. But as I promised myself in college, I never want to feel this way again. But here I am, completely out of control of every emotion I have, but with the awareness to know my reactions and emotions are out of place, but not able to stop them. It’s awful. Definitely don’t recommend it. Combine the crying and I’m a complete mess. It’s been awesome.

In the middle of all of this was the Hanukkah party. Some might say it was a success, and that they had a great time. I would beg to differ. Maybe last year I was in too much of a haze of some sort to really pay attention, but this year I felt like every time someone looked at me they saw you. Which granted is not a bad thing, but for some reason in this instance it really got to me - I was in your house, in your kitchen, throwing your party – I was you.

There I was in the middle of it all feeling completely alone and isolated. It was not fun. I have to think that you must have felt that way during the parties at least once. There you are in the kitchen washing the 17^th dish of the night alone, while everyone else is drinking and laughing and eating. At one point I looked around and was so angry, and swore I wasn’t going to do it again next year. I’m sure we will though. I’m sure that’s how it always went. At the end when you looked around the mess of a house and knew you had to clean it yourself you swore not again. Then September comes along and you don’t remember any of it, and you pick the date for the next party. I’m tried just thinking about it. What can you do though, certainly not be the one to break the tradition.

I just keep thinking about the massage I’m going to get while on the cruise. It’s getting me through. It’s really the little things.

Miss you forever, Love you always.

Rachel

“…And here she is again on the phone

Just like me hates to be alone

We just like to sit at home

And rip on the president

Meet Virginia, mmmm…

Well she wants to live her life

Then she thinks about her life

Pulls her hair back, as she screams

"I don't really wanna live this life"

She only drinks coffee at midnight

But the moment is not right

And the time is quite, unusual

You see her confidence is tragic

But her intuition magic

And the shape of her body, unusual

Meet Virginia, I can't wait to

Meet Virginia, yeah, yeah, hey, hey

Well, she wants to be the queen

Then she thinks about her scene

Well, she wants to live her life

Then she thinks about her life

Pulls her hair back as she screams

I don't really wanna be the queen, ah, ah

I don't really wanna live here…”

We are always what our situations hand us....

Hi –

Yesterday I had this thought that what if you died so that I would be forced to reach my full potential. It’s the same thought process about would I turn back the clock so none of this ever happened. You can’t. There would be no Kalel. I wouldn’t have been pushed to move to Orlando. I wouldn’t be where I am now; doing the things I’m doing now. Not to say that some of these things would have never happened, but they would be different. It’s the same train of thought of what would you do if you were here – well I’m pretty sure the situations I’m asking that question to I wouldn’t find myself in if you were here.

But what if you did? What if that was the point? What if that is the outcome? Are you happy with it? Am I reaching my potential?

It definitely doesn’t feel like it. Some days I might buy it. I love my job, my friends, and I think I’m on top of my game. Then other days I feel like I’m nowhere. I have no idea what I’m doing. I look at my life and I have no idea how I got to where I’m at or where I might be going. All I know is this isn’t what I pictured my life to look like.

Perhaps I’m just schizophrenic.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“They say that these are not the best of times

But they're the only times I've ever known

And I believe there is a time for meditation

In cathedrals of our own

Now I have seen that sad surrender in my lovers' eyes

I can only stand apart and sympathize

For we are always what our situations hand us

It's either sadness or euphoria

And so we'll argue and we'll compromise

And realize that nothing's ever changed

For all our mutual experience

Our separate conclusions are the same

Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity

A reason coexists with our insanity

Though, we choose between reality and madness

It's either sadness or euphoria

How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies

Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies

And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives

With our respective similarities

It's either sadness or euphoria”

Next week on Dallas…

Hi Mom,

Lets play another round of word association.

You: What would you say the last few days have been like?

Me: a Soap Opera

Was that as much fun as last time? Because that is definitely what has been going on – Soap Opera like things.  All that’s missing is Stefano Dimera bringing you back from the dead. That would be pretty awesome though – definitely put a different spin on the situation that’s for sure.

I hope that you are proud of the way I have handled these last few days and their revelations. I want to move forward and make the right choices and say the right things. I want to move threw this pain and come through the other side a better person for it. I want for a lot of things apparently.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother what will I be

Will I be pretty?

Will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera sera

When I was just a child in school

I asked my teacher what should I try

Should I paint pictures?

Should I sing songs?

This was her wise reply

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera sera

When I grew up and fell in love

I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead

Will there be rainbows day after day

Here's what my sweetheart said

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera sera”

That'll be the day

Hi –

Every night before I fall asleep I think about how tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will play a more active roll in my life.  I will eat better, work out for a change, and finally do some of the items on my personal to do list. What ends up happening – none of those things. How do I make that change?

I want to be one of those people who likes to work out. Who looks forward to it. Who gets off on the endorphins, and the sweat, and all those things. But I don’t. There was a time, a few weeks of it, where I was going to Pilates pretty regularly and enjoying that. I somehow can’t get back into that. One-day maybe.

I’m waiting for the day when I feel like a true active participant in my life, and not someone who occasionally steps in. Those will be the days.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…A string of pearls, a foreign car

Oh, we can only go so far on caviar and Cabernet.

We drown our doubts in dry champagne,

And soothe our souls with fine cocaine….”

One is silver, and the other is gold.

Hola Mamasita,

I talk to you a lot in the car; well talk is a strong word. I think in my head as if I’m talking to you. Do you hear me? I think that’s why I’m not writing as much, because I’m spending all this time in the car now thinking my thoughts through. Where as when I was living in NYC I didn’t really have these huge chunks of time to myself.

I’ve been listening to ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ in the car. It’s a true story written by Joan Didion, about how her husband died almost instantly from a massive heart attack and the year that follows. I definitely relate to a lot of the things she says. There are some things that I have already realized about myself and when she says them I know for sure they are true. And then there are other things that I don’t even recognize about myself until I hear her describe it. 

At one point she talks about how the anger stage is actually broken into 3 sections, with the difference being who the anger is directed at. She says that at first people are angry with themselves, which I was. I was so angry that I was left. That I was surviving, and that this didn’t destroy me. That I some how handled it. Then she says you stop being angry with yourself and start being angry with the person who died. I’m not sure I was ever really angry with you per say. You didn’t chose this, and I believe with all my heart that you would have done anything you could do to have prevented it if you knew what was going to happen. Then finally you direct your anger to other survivors. Gotta say – that’s about where I’m at. There are times I have so much anger inside of me that is unresolved, and misplaced, and unhealthy, and everything else that anger is that I could probably start screaming and never stop. But that’s not hard to believe, I always did flare up rather easily.

On the other side of the token though everything else in my life right now is going really well. So that’s something. Professionally speaking this was the best move I could have made. I hope you can see that. I hope you can see that I’m doing really well. That I’m working harder than I ever have, and I hope you’re proud of me. That comes from you, you know.

Personally I’m getting there. I think the moments when I find myself losing it are important moments to go through. I think I’m surrounding myself with the right people, and I hope you can see that too. You always said it was better to have a few really close friends, than a lot of not so close friends.

And on that note, I’m off to bed. I had a lovely evening out with some friends for a birthday and now I’m pretty excited about not having to wake up in the AM until I’m good a ready.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Well so here I am at the end of the road

Where do I go from here?

I always figured it would be like this

Still nothing seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken and the prophecy fulfilled

But I just can't decide where to go

Yes, it's been quite a day and I should go to sleep

But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how to start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard

Well it's been quite a while since I lifted my head

And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes

I see the way that I’ve been spendin' my days

And reality has caught me by surprise

I was dreamin' of tomorrow so I sacrificed today

And it sure was a grand waste of time

And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face

I just can't get you out of my mind

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard”

I know this to be true...

Hola –

Seems like it’s been way longer than just a week since I last wrote. It was Kahni’s birthday, I had dinner with Jodie, and I went to Savannah. It’s been quite a week.

Savannah was a lot of fun. I was really skeptical about going back there in general, but a beerfest seemed like as good a reason as any – it would have been good enough for you.

When we first got there Friday night we drove right by the mansion and I got choked up. I wasn’t expecting it, and I wasn’t paying any attention. One minute I was telling Meridith it was time to turn, and the next we were driving right in front of it. It caught me off guard, and cry I did. Luckily though with in a matter of seconds we pulled up to Pipers studio and on I went – and apparently so has the city. Piper said that the vegetable/fruit stand we went to and had those amazing tomato sandwiches is closed, and that the BBQ place has changed owners.

I put a lot into perspective this weekend too I think. I had a lot of time to think; 4 hours each way will do that to a person. Combine that with the hour I drive every day, and all I ever do is think. My mind is a constant stream of memories, what ifs, conversations, wishes, hopes, dreams, everything.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m to strong for my own good. If the wall I put up the day after is too high and too thick to ever come down. Or if I’m really ok, and there is no wall. If I really did grieve in a way that was exactly what I needed. And the lack of tears is just playing with my mind.

In a conversation I was having the other day I had a revelation of sorts. It’s not that I’m not facing the grief, or sadness, or absolute despair I feel. What it is though is that I’ve acknowledged it is not something that is going to change. You are not coming back – this is the one fundamental truth of my life from here on out. I’ve chosen to pick this up and carry it with me. It’s always going to be there. There’s no getting rid of it. So, instead of losing myself in it I’ve chosen to carry it with me and move along side of it. Whether I’ve truly accepted it or not is a completely different story, I’ve acknowledged its existence but I don’t necessarily believe it to be true. Does that even make sense?

Well if not, lets chalk it up to a long day and ill try again to explain another day. Or chalk it up to me being me.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…Well I've been thinking about
All these pills I'm taking

I wash ‘em down with an ice-cold beer
And the love I ain't been making

Oh I feel like I'm burning up
With words I ain't been saying

And all these pills I'm taking…”

Trust me on the sunscreen

Hi –

So it’s Mother’s Day and I’m going to try pretty hard to ignore it – and go about my business. I will acknowledge it here and now, and later when I call Grandma. Sara sent the following to me, and I’m putting it here because I think these are things you have, or would have said to me. Sentiments you would have passed along, or lessons you would have been there to see me learn. It’s called ‘Everybody is free (to wear sunscreen)’ and was written by Baz Luhrman, a man whose work I enjoy.

“Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term 
benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis, more reliable, than my own meandering experience.  I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind, you won't understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you, and how fabulous 
you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides 
you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.  The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (If you succeed in doing this, tell me how).

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.  The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of Calcium.  Be kind to your knees -- you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either.  Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body: use it every way you can.  Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the 
greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them).

Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.  Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.  Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.  Advice is a form of nostalgia 
dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal--wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and 
recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.”

So yeah – some I knew, some I didn’t. I’ll try to remember it all, and I’ll always use sunscreen. And if you were curious, I think it takes just over 5 years for New York City to make a person hard. I got out just in time.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream....

Hi –

Sometimes late at night when I’m trying to fall asleep I lay in bed, and I can see my life 15 years from now.  The picture is always a little fuzzy, and I can’t exactly make out what I’m doing or who I’m with, but what always comes across clear as day, is that I’m happy.  I can tell that I’ve made it to a point where I think I might be content. Then I look to the side and I can tell that you’re missing; I can feel your absence somehow.

I guess that’s how my life will play out, and already has started to somewhat. I will be happy; I am now. I will find love, have a family, and live out my life. But I’ll be in those moments, and at the same time be out of them looking for you off to the side. It will be my rock in my pocket.

In other news I think I have set a record for mistakenly dialing your work and cell phone number in a week, and its only Tuesday. Every time I’ve done it was when I was trying to call Dad. I would have a thought in my head, pick up the phone and start dialing without even realizing it. I never completed your numbers, so I guess that’s something.

I’ve done nothing in the way of packing up any of my belongings, so I’m obviously awesome on that front. As well as I haven’t been able to fall asleep before 1am for days now.  And with that thought I’m going to go to bed now, in the hopes that I fall asleep in the next hour.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise”

Kimchi - yes please, Cheese - hell yes.

Hi –

Awhile ago I read an article about a Korean BBQ Taco Truck that was going to open in Manhattan. Something you may have never known was that I LOVE Korean BBQ. I love it. They use magical marinade or something, but the sweet juicy meat is amazing. Plus I enjoy cooking my own meat on the table in front of me. Gives me an activity while I’m eating, and helps curb the speed at which I eat my food on a normal day. So yeah – I’ve been staking said taco truck which is called Kimchi Taco Truck (http://kimchitacotruck.com/index.html). They already have a truck in LA, but they kept pushing back the opening of the NYC truck, until last week. They finally opened in Long Island City (LIC), which I have to say I didn’t even know LIC had lunch trucks. Anyway – they finally made their way to Manhattan this week, and today they were in midtown.

Now, I often times build things up and then face a tad bit of disappoint when it doesn’t live up to my expectations, but the Kimchi Taco Truck rocks. I stood out in the brisk 35 degree weather for an hour; and it was worth every minute and frozen toe I had. I ordered the Kimchi BBQ Beef Cheesesteak with Cheez-Whiz and it was phenomenal. So yeah, if you are offered Korean BBQ wherever you are jump at the chance. And on top of that, if they offer to make it into a cheesesteak do it. It was so delicious, and now it’s all gone, tear. I’m pretty sure in less than 5 minutes I ate all my weight watcher points for the day – woops.

Crickets opened today, so that’s exciting. It’s their soft open, in a week or so I think they are going to have a grand opening party. I’m really excited about it. I can’t wait to have a pastrami sandwich on toasted rye with Russian dressing and coleslaw. They are also stocking garlic pickles, which surprisingly I’ve never had, so I’ll try one of those too.

I don’t really have much else to tell you. I’m in a holding pattern till I hear back from Designzillas. I’ve talked to Nevin and Ellen about how I’m leaving. They both understand and I think are supportive in the way a boss who’s not happy about you leaving could be. Ellen recognized that it was the right thing for me to do. There’s some talk about possibly working remotely from Orlando if I don’t get the account manager job. I think that will be really helpful if it works out. Unfortunately just waiting and seeing what happens, sucks though. There are so many things I want to do, and people I want to be near, but none of that can happen till I’m in Florida.

That’s about it for me. The other really exciting thing is I found Pinnacle Whipped Cream flavored vodka here the other day. Honey and I are thinking if we make White Russians with it, or add it to some Hot Chocolate it would be pretty tasty. I’ll let you know how that goes.

So to sum up this conversation my life revolves around food and booze. That's ok right?

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

"And I don't know where you might be
Wherever it is, it will be without me
I keep thinkin' I'll come home
One day and find you"