One is silver, and the other is gold.

Hola Mamasita,

I talk to you a lot in the car; well talk is a strong word. I think in my head as if I’m talking to you. Do you hear me? I think that’s why I’m not writing as much, because I’m spending all this time in the car now thinking my thoughts through. Where as when I was living in NYC I didn’t really have these huge chunks of time to myself.

I’ve been listening to ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ in the car. It’s a true story written by Joan Didion, about how her husband died almost instantly from a massive heart attack and the year that follows. I definitely relate to a lot of the things she says. There are some things that I have already realized about myself and when she says them I know for sure they are true. And then there are other things that I don’t even recognize about myself until I hear her describe it. 

At one point she talks about how the anger stage is actually broken into 3 sections, with the difference being who the anger is directed at. She says that at first people are angry with themselves, which I was. I was so angry that I was left. That I was surviving, and that this didn’t destroy me. That I some how handled it. Then she says you stop being angry with yourself and start being angry with the person who died. I’m not sure I was ever really angry with you per say. You didn’t chose this, and I believe with all my heart that you would have done anything you could do to have prevented it if you knew what was going to happen. Then finally you direct your anger to other survivors. Gotta say – that’s about where I’m at. There are times I have so much anger inside of me that is unresolved, and misplaced, and unhealthy, and everything else that anger is that I could probably start screaming and never stop. But that’s not hard to believe, I always did flare up rather easily.

On the other side of the token though everything else in my life right now is going really well. So that’s something. Professionally speaking this was the best move I could have made. I hope you can see that. I hope you can see that I’m doing really well. That I’m working harder than I ever have, and I hope you’re proud of me. That comes from you, you know.

Personally I’m getting there. I think the moments when I find myself losing it are important moments to go through. I think I’m surrounding myself with the right people, and I hope you can see that too. You always said it was better to have a few really close friends, than a lot of not so close friends.

And on that note, I’m off to bed. I had a lovely evening out with some friends for a birthday and now I’m pretty excited about not having to wake up in the AM until I’m good a ready.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Well so here I am at the end of the road

Where do I go from here?

I always figured it would be like this

Still nothing seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken and the prophecy fulfilled

But I just can't decide where to go

Yes, it's been quite a day and I should go to sleep

But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how to start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard

Well it's been quite a while since I lifted my head

And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes

I see the way that I’ve been spendin' my days

And reality has caught me by surprise

I was dreamin' of tomorrow so I sacrificed today

And it sure was a grand waste of time

And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face

I just can't get you out of my mind

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard”