Hi,
“It's not just a person that one loses; it's a life. Death – it
doesn't take someone else, it takes us as well. We mourn death – the death of
them, but also the death of the life we'll never have. And that, that other
mourning is far worse, for in that – we are alone – that is loneliness.”
I’ve spent a lot of time
the past few days thinking about today, and how its 3 years, and how I feel
about that, and how I feel about myself, my life, the choices I’ve made in the
last 1,095 days. I keep coming back to the same idea – how do I measure the
last 3 years, when I don’t remember the day before the 3 years?
I’ve some how completely
forgotten (or really just blocked out) the things that made me me 1,096 days
ago. I remember the things I was doing – working at Warner Bros during the day,
and being the only American waitress at the Irish Pub by night. Drinking a lot.
Eating out a lot. Living in a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 people, in the middle
of Times Square. Living pay check to pay check in the hopes that around the
corner was the promotion I know I deserved or a new job opportunity. But that’s where it ends.
I’m having a hard time
remembering my wants and desires for my life back then. I’m sure that’s normal, but its hard to
decide if I’m on the right path now. If that makes sense.
I feel like I’m on a
completely different path now.
That on August 18th 2010 I made some turn somewhere and ended
up here. Not that here is bad; it’s just missing you. The things that were once
important and the focus of my days have shifted.
The here and now is
actually really good. I’ve been traveling the US for the past few months;
essentially couch/guestroom hopping from one friend to another. I’ve been able
to see people I haven’t seen in over a year and do some really fun and
important things. The biggest thing that’s happened is Sara had her baby 9 days
ago and he’s amazing. I’m able to be here for a month to help her and get to
know him, and just be here. Then I’m headed to Russia for 8 days, and then off
to Shanghai for 3 months. The here and now is not bad at all. It just lacks
you.
I think that might be why
I’m in a weird melancholy place today, because things are really good. Almost
great. I feel great, I’m really happy with what I'm doing these days. I’m juicing
and going to Yoga, which I mean who would have ever in a million years thought
that would be my life. But it is,
and it’s really good.
And good is ok. You would
want good and great and amazing and magnificent for us. All of us. And I think
I can honestly say that today, 3 years later we all might be a little closer to
that. And I think that’s saying something.
"Maybe it's not about ignoring the past, maybe it's about
embracing it
for what it is – a fond memory that's no longer a possibility."
Love you forever, Miss
you always,
Rachel
