“Auld Land Syne, Old Long Since, Long Long Ago or ‘Days Gone By”

Hi –

I’m sitting here in the guest bedroom at Carly’s getting ready to go to sleep. It’s the last night of 2010. I’m not nearly as sentimental as I would have expected. I used to be such a softie and its not that I’m no longer one, but it’s a lot harder to get there I guess. It comes to me in random, usually inappropriate, moments.

Who knows.

So tomorrow I’ll say goodbye to 2010 – and what a year it was. Highs of epic proportions – Savannah, Matt and Lauren, Kalel. Then lows so low I would have never expected to get back up. But here I am. Up and kicking. Stronger than I would have given myself credit for, and yet weaker than ever before - if that makes sense.

I have no real feeling for 2011 than it has to be better than this year. If not better, perhaps more of an even flow. There’s no way to really know except to let it happen, which is what I shall do. No real resolution just let life happen. Go with it. Don’t put up too much resistance. Don’t plan too much because g-d laughs in the face of plans.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“Should old acquaintance be forgot,

and never brought to mind?

Should old acquaintance be forgot,

and old lang syne ?

For auld lang syne, my dear,

for auld lang syne,

we'll take a cup of kindness yet,

for auld lang syne.


And surely you'll buy your pint cup!

and surely I'll buy mine!

And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet,

for auld lang syne.

We two have run about the slopes,

and picked the daisies fine;

But we've wandered many a weary foot,

since auld lang syne.

We two have paddled in the stream,

from morning sun till dine;

But seas between us broad have roared

since auld lang syne.

And there's a hand my trusty friend!
And give us a hand o' thine!

And we'll take a right good-will draught,

for auld lang syne.”

Na na na, na-na na na. Na-na na na, hey Jude

Hi –

I just finished watching “The Kennedy Center Honors” on TV and there was this amazing moment at the end during the Paul McCartney portion where the entire audience was singing along and jamming out to Steven Tyler’s version of 'Hey Jude'. It was completely amazing. I wish I was doing something with my life that was going to leave that sort of impact. I can only hope that he was enjoying it just as much and not thinking ‘wow, Steven Tyler really? They couldn’t find someone else.” Because that would totally suck. I imagine the after party to the event to be pretty good as well. Especially after being all hyped up and everything. It really was this incredible moment.

Merle Haggard was honored as well, and Vince Gill did the introduction part. He talked about how Merle’s dad died very unexpectedly when he was younger and how that clouded everything else that happened in his life. It was quite a poignant moment. Because your death now clouds everything in my life. Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about that. How time isn’t helping. How its making things worse in a way. The more time that goes by the less a chance this is a bad dream; or a sick joke.

There are times when I find myself all of a sudden transported out of the situation I’m in and observing it from a distance. Finding the ways it would be different if you were still here. Analyzing everything happening in that moment trying to imagine if it would be the same or different. If there would just be another seat at the table for you; or if the entire table would be different.

I’m in the midst of changing everything about my life and sometimes I’m fully committed to the decision and I’m 150% happy about it. Then other times I wonder if it’s just another way for me to prolong being an active participant to my life. That’s assuming what I’m doing now is not active – which I have no idea if it is or not. All I know is its 1:30, everyone else is asleep, and I’m up writing this to you. I’m going to Orlando tomorrow for New Years and I’m 85% stoked about it, 15% wanting to lay on the couch and not get up until the 2^nd when I have to go back to NYC. At least the odds are in Orlando’s favor. That’s a good sign.

I do want to move there and start another chapter of my life, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s the chicken’s way out. No way to know really.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

"Yesterday,

All my troubles seemed so far away,

Now it looks as though they're here to stay,

Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

I'm not half the man I used to be,

There's a shadow hanging over me,

Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.

I said, Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,

Love was such an easy game to play,

Now I need a place to hide away,

Oh, I believe in yesterday. "

In the still of the Hanukkah Party

Hi

Lately when I find myself in a quite moment it’s filled with thoughts of how is this possible. How is it possible that you are gone forever? It really is completely unbelievable.

The Hanukkah party is in full swing at the moment. I hope your looking down thinking, “wow, I taught her well. She’s got this all under control.” If you’re also thinking, “man I wish she had used a different dish for that dip” that’s OK too. But I hope it’s a mix of the two and not just the latter.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Sophie Tucker will shit I know…

Hi –

There are times I find myself wanting to apologize for the way I’ve been grieving. How it’s all internally, and there are no real outward signs. There are times when I get overwhelmed and tear up, but I don’t want to share them. I have no idea why, but in those moments I just want to be left alone to process.

We are down 1 Christmas Eve dinner, and have 2 dinners left. Christmas Day dinner is tomorrow and it’s all on me. I’m actually really excited. I have no idea if I'm capable of pulling it off. I’ve never cooked this much before. My biggest concern is having it all done around the same time and served hot. That’s going to take some coordinating. When I get up in the morning I’m going to need to sit down and really think about which dishes go first and what not. I’m hoping a lot of the prep I can get done a head of time if not the entire dish – and then just reheat to serve.

There were a couple times today where I fully expected you to walk through the kitchen. I’m not waiting for it to happen because I know its not going to. But when everyone is milling about, talking and laughing, I can close my eyes and picture you right there along with everyone.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

I predict more bumps and rough patches ahead

Hi –

A part of me thinks these next 3 days might be more difficult to get through that the first 3 days after you died. Those first 3 days were hazy, and everything seemed to move in slow motion and look fake.  Now, I cant help but be constantly reminded that your gone and thinking your missing this all.

I’ve made all the lists I can think of, done all the shopping there is to do, and now I’m left with free time. Randi is going to come over tomorrow and we are going to bake all day – that should help. Having Randi around helps. I can feel myself anchored to her, if that makes sense. As long as she’s around something is like is used to be. I wish Rab were here too.

Grandma asked me for a nail file today – I didn’t have one, and I had absolutely no idea where any would be in the house. Definitely not in the top left drawer in your bathroom.

I almost lost it on Matt today – I should probably apologize. It was just me taking out my grief and longing on him. He actually didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just trying really hard to make this a semi-enjoyable holiday for us all. I know its not going to be perfect, and I’m OK with that. Perfect is overrated. My biggest concern is that the food taste good. As long as that happens I think we are good. The more I try though, the more I miss you. Your food would have tasted delicious. It always did.

I’m going to head to bed now. Its late, and I have an appointment with Michael for him to look at my toe and hopefully work some magic. I’m making daddy come with me because I'm really scared it’s going to hurt badly. Think happy non-painful thoughts.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

I catch my breath sometimes...

Hi –

When Sue holds the baby and says things like ‘How’s Grandma’s Boy?” or “You’re looking at Grandma aren’t you?” I can’t help but think of you, and yearn for you to be here now. To be sharing this with us all. Not just the holidays, or Kalel. But everything. The trip to Costco for food, the million lists I have all over the house, the debate about the menu for the Hanukkah party, everything, and nothing at all. I yearn for you to be sitting at the kitchen table when I wake up in the morning and come stumbling in. To be looking through the newspaper drinking your second cup of coffee, and ask me what I want for breakfast. For you to have taken some coffee out of the pot and set it to the side because you know I like iced better than hot. For to you already have our day planned out with errands. 

“Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.”

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Once upon a lonely Florida highway

Hi –

I spent 3 hours in the car today alone, and the entire time all I could think about was you. And me. And all the things we are going to miss doing together. It was a sad ride. A long ride, and a quite ride. And I get to do it again tomorrow. Go me.

Wish me luck. Both on the ride, and my meeting.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

FOUND IT!!!!

Hi -

Tucked away in an ancient Betty Crocker cookbook.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

I just can't seem to help myself.

Hi –

I’m officially home, and back in matt’s old bedroom. Which I guess has become my room. Even before everything happened, I slept in this room more than mine. When we were all home for Matt and Lauren’s anniversary party I slept in here then too.  Either way though, I think in everyone’s mind this is still Matt’s room. And in the next room where Grandma is sleeping is still my room.

A couple interesting things have happened since I’ve been back. I forgot my deodorant in the city so I went and opened the second drawer in your bathroom expecting to be able to use yours but it was all dads’ stuff. Somehow I don’t think it would have had the same affect. Luckily though, Grandma came to the rescue. I’ll use hers again tomorrow morning before I go to Target and get some of my own.

Then after we got back from Dee and Phillips I wanted to do some dissecting on my foot and I went to get a needle from the drawer in your closet and there was no drawer.  Dad has done some remodeling. The drawer isn’t gone though – it’s in the dining room.

I’m glad Dad has done some remodeling. I think it helps him. Which is fine by me. Anything to help him. You should see the new TV though – it’s pretty fancy. Lucky for me, I get to wake up to my reflection in the black screen of the old TV. Which is currently positioned at the end of the futon. I guess this will be one of those situations where not being able to see without glasses or contacts will be good. Otherwise I think I might freak myself out.

In other news, in less than 30 minutes while watching TV last week I managed to reverse all the work that good old podiatrist did on my big toes all those years ago. I think this time I might have gone too far with the picking at my nails situation. Luckily Dad has taken pity on me and come to my rescue. I’m currently wearing an incredibly attractive dr. scholls band-aid with some magical medicine to deaden the skin around the nail. In hopes that in a few days I can rip out the nail that is causing me unbearable amounts of pain. Wish me luck. However, until then I’m a little clueless as to what I will wear for shoes while in Florida. All I brought are my Ugg boots which its too hot for. My sandals, which are currently unacceptable because of my lack of pedicure. My only option is my flats that I brought, except my feet sweat in them, which is probably not a huge help to the nail situation.

Heading to bed now. Tomorrow is a fun filled day of ornament shopping and then I’m headed to Orlando.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Coming to you from Mid-flight. Thank you Delta and Google Chrome!

Hi –

I’m currently sitting in seat 13F on Delta flight 2079 flying home. Today is exactly 4 months later, and I’m on my way home. It’s actually a bit poetic. Especially because I’ve had quite the perfect day. I woke up and leisurely got ready to leave for the airport – I wasn’t rushed at all. As soon as I stepped outside my apartment a cab pulled up. When I got to the airport the person who checked my bags scale was broken so she didn’t weigh my bag (which I’m sure was over 50 pounds). As I was waiting in the insanely long security line I was picked to move to a lane that just opened and made it through rather quickly. And now the middle seat in my row is empty. I would say it’s the polar opposite of the last time I was headed home. Here’s hoping this feeling of calm carries its way through my two-week stay.

Should be a good if not insanely busy and super interesting two weeks. The first event I’m going to is Dee and Phillip’s Annual Hanukkah party. I’ve never been to once before but I hear they are quite the party. Something about shots and guitar hero I think. I’m slightly worried I’ll be somewhat of an animal on display, as I tend to be in big event situations lately. ‘That’s her. It was her mom, Phillips sister’. I’m hoping for none of that. At least Randi will be there. We can hide in a corner together, perhaps in the home theater. That would be perfect actually.

I have a headhunter meeting on Monday. I’m looking forward to it actually. Hopefully it will lead to some interviews if not an actual job. The one thing though is I did such a number on my big toe the other night that wearing heels is going to prove difficult. I’m sure Dad will yell at me once he gets a glimpse of it. I had no idea what I had done though until it was already finished. It’s bad. The worst I’ve ever done. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now.

Sara and I came up with a really funny joke earlier today. I sent her a picture of the Christmas tree that dad bought – which is HUGE by the way. She asked me how many Rosenthal’s did I think it was going to take to get the star on top. I told her non. It was going to take one Lamonica or one Waldstein. I thought it was funny.

I have about an hour left on my flight. I’m going to go listen to my carefully constructed play list that I put together.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“I could swear by your expression

That the pain down in your soul

Was the same as the one down in mine.”

"The more distressing the memory, the more persistent it's presence."

Hi –

I just watched the trailer for ‘Water for Elephants’ and be still my heart. Hal Holbrook plays the older version of the main character Jacob. I think you should go pull Dixie Carter away from whatever she is doing right now (because in my head you guys are together) and you should watch the trailer immediately.

I’m super excited for this movie. I liked the book – and you were the one who gave it to me. I remember I made you tell me one important fact about the book after I read the first few chapters. Because I was really worried that one very specific thing was going to happen and then I was going to be heartbroken. Turns out, I already am.

Anyway – Getting my day started. It should be quite a doozy. It’s the last one I have in the office before I go home for 2 weeks. It’s already a bit frustrating.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Sleeping pill induced ramblings

Hi –

I’m laying in my bed waiting for the sleeping pills I took to take affect and I have so many thoughts running around in my head. There are too many to make sense of, or to begin to put them down on paper. So many feelings I’m having.

I’m going home on Saturday for the first time. It’s the first time to me. First time since it’s all became real. The last time I was home, you had just died and I hadn’t processed it all. Not saying I have now, but this is a planned visit.  A visit full of plans. A visit meant to make new memories, and uphold old ones. To start new traditions, and keep old ones. To make the old traditions mine.

Here’s hoping I remember where everything is in the kitchen for the Hanukkah party.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“I'm awake in the afternoon

I fell asleep in the living room

And it's one of those moments

When everything is so clear

Before the truth goes back into hiding

I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding

To work on finding something more than this fear

It takes so much out of me to pretend

Tell me now; tell me how to make amends

Maybe, I need to see the daylight

To leave behind this half-life

Don’t you see I'm breaking down

Lately, something here don't feel right

This is just a half-life

Is there really no escape?

No escape from time

Of any kind

I keep trying to understand

This thing and that thing, my fellow man

I guess I'll let you know

When I figure it out

But I don't mind a few mysteries

They can stay that way it's fine by me

And you are another mystery I am missing

It takes so much out of me to pretend

Maybe, I need to see the daylight

To leave behind this half-life

Don’t you see I'm breaking down

Lately, something here don't feel right

This is just a half-life

Is there really no escape?

No escape from time

Of any kind

Wake me, let me see the daylight

Save me from this half-life

Let’s you and I escape

Escape from time”

Such is life

Hi -

I don't feel good, and would very much like you to be around so I could tell you that.

Please and thank you.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

Little Miss who you are, is so much more than you like to talk about.

Hi –

There have been a couple of times lately where I find myself observing the situation I’m in and wondering what I’m doing there or how I got there. I find myself not entirely understanding my current state of affairs. I wonder why I have the friends I have, and if they would notice if one day I just wasn’t there anymore. Not because something bad happened to me, just because I wasn’t there. More times than I would care to admit the answer I find myself coming to is no – they wouldn’t notice.

There is this song that’s been playing nonstop on country radio called ‘Country Strong’. It’s from the new Gwyneth Paltrow movie. In the song is this one line that speaks to me:

“Yeah, on the outside I look fragile
, but on the inside is something you can’t crush”

Not because I think its describing me, but because I think I’m the completely opposite. In the last 3 months I’ve built this fairly indestructible wall but on the inside I’m totally broken. As the days pass by I feel a little bit of my carefully constructed wall cracking. I think its only a matter of time before the cracks are too big to will back together.

Yesterday I was in the car driving out to Rabs for dinner and Sugarland’s ‘Little Miss’ came on the radio and I almost totally lost it. I felt the lump in my throat coming up but I pushed it back down. All I could think was just get to Rabs. Everything will be better there.

A while ago I remember telling you how I had stopped going out to Rabs house because it made be feel homesick. I would look around at everyone and the lives they had created, and listen to the bickering, and want that for you and me. Maybe not everything exactly the same. But I would have given anything to live next door to you and spend our days being Mom, Daughter, and Granddaughter.  Now though, I can’t wait to get back there. I want to spend all my time there. It’s were I’m the most calm. Where my head clears the most and everything is quiet.

In other news, I’m officially sick. I’m also watching Meridith sit on her suitcase in an effort to zip it close. I should probably offer her some help but the visual is much more enjoyable. I’ve pumped myself full of all things healthy in an effort to kick this cold. I’m worried I’ll be quarantined from Kalel. That would be devastating. And on that note I’m going to drug myself into a peaceful sleep. (Hopefully).

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

PS. Meridith was successful in her suitcase battle. However, after success was reached she realized she left her shoes out. So the entire process restarted. 

Tired doesn't even begin to describe my current state.

Hi –

It’s been a crazy couple of days with nonstop activities. I’m beyond tired, and I’m definitely getting sick. I want nothing more than to sleep for a full day.

My head is full of things I’ve thought over the past several days and all of them I want to share, and I will. Right now though, I need to sleep.

I’m going to crawl into bed and watch ‘National Lampoons Christmas Vacation’ with Meridith because she’s never seen it before, and that’s just not allowed.  

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Why is the carpet all wet Todd? I don’t know Margo?”

“The little lights…they aren’t twinkling.”

The cheesiest of the cheese

Hi –

This is the cheesiest song EVER! But I think that might be more about Shania Twain singing it, and less the actual lyrics. Just seemed pretty prefect.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget”

100 posts later, and i'm still here....

Hi –

So this is post 100. I guess that is some sort of accomplishment. Perhaps a ‘go me’ is in order.

I broke up with Judith today. I really didn’t feel like I was getting anything out of going to her, so I very politely told her that. I told her it might have been too early for me to be seeing someone. I explained how intellectually I understand that you are gone, but emotionally I don’t get it. Emotionally I think it’s just the most ridiculous thing I have EVER heard. She didn’t understand what I was saying to her. I guess that right there is a huge sign that maybe we were not meant to be therapist and patient.

She got very stuck on my use of the word ridiculous to describe how I feel about everything. She kept asking what I meant, what does ridiculous mean. I told her I could Google it for her if she liked – that probably was a bit smart-assish of me. I tried to explain that it was ridiculous in the sense that my entire life changed in a split second. How all my hopes and dreams for the future were now different. How you wouldn’t be there to see me get married one day, or how my children would not have a grandma on my side – that is all ridiculous. She still didn’t seem to get it. Either that or she’s really good at the whole devils advocate thing.

She did tell me that I was a very difficult patient to have. How she felt I brought 10% to the sessions and she was bringing 90%. And how she was always searching for things to talk to me about, and that was one of the reasons she always brought up men. Because that was an area of my life that seemed to not be as developed as others and that it might need some attention. I told her for the millionth time that that was just not how I think or act. I did not go about my day to day activities with a goal of meeting a man. And that I generally don’t like people who operate that way.

The word detached came up again. I explained my theory that another reason I thought I was having a hard time with all of this, was because I didn’t have something that needed to be ‘fixed’ or ‘worked through.’ That there was no changing this fact about my life. It is what it is. She said that’s a very detached attitude. So be it I suppose. I find that I do say ‘it is what it is’ quite a bit. But I can’t help it, it is. If there was a way to change it, believe me I would be doing it.

She also said I was very closed off, and hiding behind an ‘everything is ok’ mindset. Again entirely possible. I’m not discrediting her and what she saw in me. I’m just thinking that perhaps for right now, its working and I’m going to run with it.

The one thing she said to me that I really was miffed about was during a moment when we were talking about how I felt the tragicness of everything would never lessen. She disagreed. She felt that in time life wouldn’t feel as tragic; and I wouldn’t feel as cheated. I explained that I felt that from here on out there wouldn’t be a day that passed where something would happen that I wouldn’t immediately want to run to tell you about; and that very fact alone was tragic.

So we parted ways. Probably for the best. She wished me all the luck, and I her. She said I was a bright young lady and hoped good things came my way. And that was that. It was what it was.

So here I am – 100 posts later. Detached, a bit. Ridiculous, perhaps. But eagerly anticipating SantaCon on Saturday and Meredith’s arrival tomorrow.

Love you forever, miss you much

Rachel

Ridiculous – as an adjective: causing or worthy of ridicule or derision; absurd; preposterous; laughable.

Some synonyms - nonsensical, ludicrous, funny, droll, comical, farcical.

99 problems....

Hi –
 
Remember when we would be out and about running errands and out of nowhere I would yell ‘but moooommmm’ in a really annoying voice? Just to annoy you. Those were the days. I long for those days. I’ve been saying but mom in my head all day. Did you hear me?
 
Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel
 
“And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather”

I'm in desperate need...

Hi

From wherever you are, please find a way to tell me where the recipe for the Chocolate Pudding Bunt Cake is.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

Today, I bowled a 127 - highest on the team.

Hi –

First off I saw ‘Morning Glory’ with Ila last night and it was quite the disappointment. I’m sad to say it, but it was just meh. I was hoping for it to at least be entertaining, but sadly not. So if you’ve got a list of movies happening wherever you are – scratch this off it.

I’ve become completely consumed with all things Hanukkah Party and Rosenthal/Lamonica Christmas related. Its still 20 days out and I'm occupied by menus, shopping lists, plans, and presents. I’m probably putting too much pressure on myself by trying to organize everything and make it all happen. And I’m probably also putting too much pressure on myself by thinking I can do it all. But you did right? So why not.

I’ve developed this horrible habit of picking my hangnails and ripping my fingers to shreds. Its super sexy and I can’t imagine why men aren’t just banging down my door once they get a look at me doing it. I have a feeling its some sort of physical manifestation of what’s going on inside of my head. It’s pretty bad. The other day I actually caught myself using a large pair of office scissors to cut a piece of skin off my pointer finger. I had a rough edge and I was picking at it nonstop so it seemed like a logical way to fix it. It wasn’t.

Perhaps I’ll go put on some lotion and then wear gloves to bed.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

"Everybody waits for Christmas

For me it's New Year’s Day

That's gonna come and take my blues away.

I'm wishing on the stars for Christmas

And hoping for a better day,

When it doesn't hurt to feel this way

And everywhere there's joy around this festive time of year

And happiness has never felt so far away

All of the bells ringing out for Christmas

I'm singing goodbye to the year before

I know that the next one will be different, so much more

All of the bells ringing out for Christmas

And I'm not supposed to feel this way

All that I want this year for Christmas in New Year’s Day

It's only seven days till Christmas

Six more till New Year’s Day.

It's not a good time to feel this way

Everywhere the snow surrounds you

And melts your troubles away

I can only hope to feel the same

All of the bells ringing out for Christmas

I'm singing goodbye to the year before

I know that the next one will be different, so much more

All of the bells ringing out for Christmas

And I'm not supposed to feel this way

All that I want this year for Christmas is New Year’s Day"

The dog days are not over

Hi –

Today I miss you so much I’m nauseous. I literally want to purge everything from with in me in some effort to prove how much I miss you and need you back. In an attempt to somehow prove I’m worthy and you should come back.

It took roughly 3 months, but tonight in a loud and crowded restaurant, while being a bit drunk on tequila and full it sank in a bit. I felt a part of me observing the crowd thinking ‘I wish I could be carefree like them.’ And just like that I was completely consumed by thoughts of you and everything that had just happened, and I lost it. I left the restaurant pretty quickly after shedding a few tears, and promising to text when I got home.  As it always happens the moment was gone just as quickly as it came. I quickly realized I had left my keys at home, and was going to be locked out.

Now 2 hours later I’ve talked to Dad and want to hug him. And spent some time sleeping on the floor outside my apartment.

Lets just say it’s been quite the evening.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

“Just another day without you.

I'll be okay without you.

I'll be fine.

I'll be all right.

But

I'm breaking apart inside.

I'm breaking apart inside.

I cry in my sleep at night.

I'm breaking apart without you.”

First day, of the last month, of the year.

Hi –

Today is the beginning of the last month of the year that had some amazing highs and some lows of epic proportion. Lows I thought would never happen. For some reason that’s all I’ve been able to think about today.

I want to say this has been the worst year of my life. – It will always be the year I lost you. But Kalel was born, and Matt and Lauren got married.  It’s this weird dichotomy.  I would love nothing more than the last 4 months of my life back. To some how walk down a different street, bump into a different stranger, make any movement small or large that would some how change what happened. My thinking is that Matt and Lauren were already married, and Kalel was clearly already on his way here so only asking for the last 4 months back is reasonable. Only long enough to change this one thing.  What do you think?

Another thing that I’ve been doing is when I get asked (or just think) what I want for Hanukkah; my gut response is to say “you.” I always stop myself though.

Honey, Matt, and myself put up our Christmas tree tonight, it looks pretty good if I do say so myself. 

I paid close attention to how Honey put the lights on the tree seeing as how I’m going to need to know for the tree we do at the house. I’m actually looking forward to it, which I think surprises some people. Seeing as how I’m usually very anti. I think Dad and I will have a lot of fun doing it though. I giggle when I picture us walking down the aisles of Target trying to figure out what would look nice, but really having no clue.  It will be quite the adventure.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel