Best employee EVER!

Hi –

Sometimes I think staying in bed all day is the better idea. When I’m sleeping nothing matters. But then I force myself to get up and out, thinking one foot in front of the other. Fake it till you make it, and before you know it you wont be faking it any more.

It doesn’t always work. Some days I know I’m phoning it in. Sometimes I feel bad about it. And then other times, like today, I stare at my computer weighing my options. Thinking of ways to get out of working, or reasons I could leave and crawl back into my bed.

I’m obviously working hard. And totally deserve a raise.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Hard at work.

Yo –

I’m sitting at my desk watching movie trailers during my lunch break like always, and I just finished watching ‘And Everything Is Going To Be Fine,’ which is about Spalding Gray and his one man shows that he used to do. (http://www.ifcfilms.com/films/and-everything-is-going-fine)

There is a line in the trailer, “everyone knows they are going to die, but no one believes it.’ That might be the truest thing I have ever heard.

I knew there would come a day when you wouldn’t be here anymore. It only made sense. You are after all my mother, and at some point everyone’s parents unfortunately die. It’s the cycle of life. But I would have never in a million years thought it would have come this early, or that it would have ever happened really. I could never have pictured my life without you. In fact I still can’t. I think somewhere deep inside I still believe that I’m going to come home to visit and there you’ll be - lying on your bed reading a book. Or I’ll come home and we will crawl into your bed together and I’ll rest my head on your giant breasts and we ill watch something on the TiVo.  

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

PS for your enjoyment, a picture of me hard at work.

Funk master funk, reporting for duty.

Hi –

I’ve noticed that everyday on my way home, after I’ve cleared the office radius and the crap of the day, I'm consumed with thoughts of you. It’s a subconscious thing for sure. It always starts with wanting to tell you about my day, and then quickly goes down hill from there. I usually just fixate on the fact that you’re gone, and I’m not quite sure what to do next. I’m not quite sure how to go on honestly. 

I usually snap myself out of the thoughts and questions swirling around my head, somewhere between the mailbox and the hallway in front of my door. Today though, I couldn’t shake the thoughts or the funk. I should learn to roll with the funk and the tears and the depression, but I can’t. For some reason I feel compelled to push everything down and let it fester. It’s going to be awesome later in life I'm sure.

I’m pretty sure that I’ve made my self a resident of the land of anger in the last few weeks. I’m not 100% sure who I’m angry at, or who I want to direct it too, or where its coming from- or anything about it really.  I just know I’m angry. I'm angry about the rest of my life. I’m angry you wont be apart of it. I’m angry this happened to me. I’m angry I dialed your office number on accident today. I’m angry the security question for everything in life is ‘What’s your mothers maiden name.’ Like I said – I’m angry.

Guess that puts me one step closer to that elusive acceptance I’ve heard so much about.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

Random Thought

Hi –

Not sure why but I was compelled to Google ‘grief’ tonight. Now that grief and I have an intimate relationship, I find myself trying to remember what I used to think this moment would be like. In my mind growing up I always used to play the game, how would I react if ‘X’ happened. I don’t think I ever played this specific version out in my head, but I can tell you its not what I expected – even though I have no way of accessing what my expectations were.  Dad used to always try to get me to do that. After something happened in which there was a lot of planning or waiting, after it was all over, he would ask me to remember what my expectations for the event were – and I never could.

Back to grief though – on the Google health page the definition is, “Grief is a reaction to a major loss. It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion.” Pretty clear cut and impersonal. If you keep reading the page it says, “Everyone feels grief in their own way. However, there are certain stages to the process of mourning. It starts with recognizing a loss and continues until a person eventually accepts that loss.” This is where I think it gets interesting – define accepts?

Acceptance is never defined. In any of the stuff I’ve read, any of the conversations I’ve had, time I spent thinking to myself – this holy grail of acceptance is always talked about, but never defined. How will I ever know if I’ve gotten there?

(Now queue up Whitney’s ‘How Will I Know?’ and you’ll have your glance into my head)

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Take my hand, and I’ll show you the way

Hola –

I’m sure you already know this, because she’s probably sitting next to you with a glass of wine in her hand, but Nona passed away yesterday. Carly put a really good quote as her Facebook status - "...And all the generations gathered around her...& held her close / And they would have blocked the light if they had not come filled with their memories of love."

I think it’s this weird moment in everyone’s life right now. They can’t help but compare Nona’s passing to yours. The expected vs. unexpected, the natural progression of ones life vs. stolen time, calm acceptance vs. shock and anger. I think there is also some guilt floating around because she’s finally at peace, the sisters are at peace, as well as the grandkids. And you can’t but be happy and somewhat relieved for that fact, but sad that the once beautiful and vibrant Nona is gone.

I’m going to fly down there tomorrow for the weekend. Its important to me, and what I want to do, so I’m doing it. It might be slightly silly and a bit unneeded when all is said and done, but it feels right to me – so I’m going. Plus any excuse to go to Orlando for the weekend I’m taking.

When you first died I had read a bunch of articles and things and they all talked about how no matter your age – losing your mother is the greatest loss a woman can feel, besides losing a child. Because even though you might be a full grown woman with a full life of your own, your still someones daughter. And even though you will always be a daughter, in that moment you feel like your not anymore; that part of what defined you is gone. No matter how irrational its sounds you no longer feel like so and so’s daughter. You’re just so and so now. So that’s part of my driving force – to give Kahni a hug. A been there, done that, let me show you the way hug.

And of course the other reason I’m going is so that in the morning I can crawl into Carlys super comfy bed once Richard vacates and lay there with her and watch the History Channel.

So yeah I’m off to Orlando for the weekend if the snow allows, too show them all the way.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

“Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?”

“Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?”

Fantastically Craptastic

Hi –

I’m not sure if it’s the weather, work, today’s date, or what; but my mood today has gone from walking on cloud 9 to wanting to curl up and ignore the world.

I had the realization today that everyone’s day is held up by tent poles, or markings perhaps. You wake up, go to work, go home, eat dinner, watch TV, and go to bed. Then do it all again. Everyone’s are different. Mine currently are wake up late, get to work late, come home, eat dinner, watch an ungodly amount of TV that amazes people, go to bed late. Rinse and repeat. My tent poles used to be much more lively though, and more interactive. I think with the New Year, has brought new laziness, if that was even possible.

I’m not sure what it is but in the last 2 weeks I have no drive for anything. Its like I'm outside by body watching myself be lazy, thinking wow you should really get your fat ass up off the couch and go to those Pilates classes you paid for and love, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m sure the insanely nasty weather the past 2 weeks has played a small part, but I can’t blame everything on Al Roker.

I’m sure the other huge factor is that the more time that goes by – 5 months exactly – the more it all becomes more real, not that it hasn’t been real this whole time.  It’s just that with time passing, there are more and more things that you miss. At the top of the list is Kalel’s drool filled grin. The list is also filled with really silly things like I’m going to the Dentist tomorrow, and I always called you on my way home to fill you in on my visit and bitch about whatever really expensive thing they tried to sell to me.  Who will I call tomorrow? And more importantly who would really care and listen to me bitch. And know that it has nothing at all to do with the dentist or what they were trying to peddle, and more that I just wanted someone to talk to while I walked.

There’s also this phenomenon that I can’t wrap my brain around of this empty void that’s left. This place that used to be filled with phone calls to you, letters in the mail from you, vacations with you, plans with you, hopes for my future with you. It doesn’t get filled with other people, or somehow no longer exist – it just stays there, missing your presence. Matt’s birthday was last week; I can’t imagine what that was like. Valentines Day is coming up; you were always my valentine since I was little. I never really minded Valentines Day because I knew that I would get a card and some amazing chocolates from you.  Maybe ill send myself some chocolates. I wish I could find those dark chocolate covered fortune cookies you sent us 2 years ago. They were amazing.

So yeah, they say it gets easier, and they say it just becomes part of you. Like an old pal, always around, sometimes more nagging than others. But right now, it just sucks.

Tomorrow is another day, and another attempt at making new tent poles. Here’s hoping that tomorrows are: Get up early, go to work, go to the dentist and have no cavities, go to Pilates, come home, watch a reasonable amount of TV, and go to bed at a decent hour.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Reminder 176

Hi –

I was sitting minding my own business tonight painting my nails this mauvish color, when I looked at the name of it. ‘Call Your Mom.’ Thanks OPI, would if I could.

It took till today to run out of my stock pile of toiletries that over the years I have been building up, thanks to your generosity at Costco. I had to go out and buy my own contact solution today – it just felt wrong.

I’m going to crawl into bed now and watch the newest House, which stars none other than Candace Bergen. In the preview I saw she said schtupping, so it should be a good episode.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

The Showgirl Must Go On

Hi –

Tonight, Sara and I watched the Bette Midler Vegas show special that HBO did. While watching it all I could think in my head was what I must have looked like as a 10-year-old kid bee-bopping around the living room to ‘Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.’ Jumping from the sectional sofa, to the Formica pink coffee table we had. Or if you ever witnessed one of my choreographed dances to ‘Miss Otis Regrets.’

I was a bit disappointed in the HBO Special – it felt a little disjointed. I think that they re-organized the numbers from what we saw. My main thought though was how it was so much more amazing in person. How, in person I was completely blown away by the evening. I laughed, I cried, we made friends with our surrounding neighbors. I’ll never forget the look on dad’s face when we found him after the show. He was so smiley, and giddy, and couldn’t get over how amazing it was. He was so happy.  I wish he was still happy.

I remember sitting at the concert over joy'd and having this perfect moment. Remember in the hotel room before the show dad asked me why I was getting all dolled up. Completely seriously I turned to him, and replied that I had to look my best because what if Bette caught a glimpse of me in the audience having the time of my life and she plucked me out of obscurity and we became fast friends. It totally could have happened.

That was a great weekend.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

"Oh, hi! A-heh heh! Is Miss Otis in?"

"Miss Otis regrets she's unable to lunch today."

Miss Otis regrets she's unable to lunch today, madam.

Miss Otis regrets she's unable to lunch today, mmmmmm.

And she's sorry to be delayed,

But last evening down at lover's lane

She strayed, madam.

Miss Otis regrets she's unable to lunch today.

When she woke up and found

That her dream of love was gone, madam,

She ran to the man

Who had lead her so far astray.

And from under her velvet gown

She drew a gun and shot her lover down, madam.

Miss Otis regrets she's unable to lunch today.

When the mob came and got her

And dragged her from the jail, madam,

They strung her up

On the willow across the way.

And the moment before she died

She lifted up her lovely head and cried, madam.

Miss Otis regrets she's unable to lunch.

Miss Otis regrets she's unable to lunch today.

I kicked todays ASS! Gave it a wedgie and showed it who's boss!

Hi –

Sometimes I have moments of complete happiness. I’m completely giddy, being a goofball, without a care in the world. And then I remember.

I had an awesome day. I got to work, made a to-do list, and by the end of the day all 3 of the items were crossed off. It was the first time in a long time that that happened. Then at the end of the day I had a ridiculous case of the giggles and insanity. I went on a really long tangent about how I was going to practice and practice and practice and one day become an amazing ventriloquist.  All because I wanted to prove the point that if you try hard enough at something you will succeed. Or I guess not prove it, because lets be honest I’m no ventriloquist.

I also got into a lengthy conversation with Elissa and Ila about how one of my life fears is that I would give birth to a prima ballerina but have no idea, because I never put her in ballet classes. Ila’s response was that it would never happen because I’m too short for that. My response to her was that not if I married a 7 foot tall man. Of course then we would have a whole other set of problems that consisted of us constantly fighting about how he put things to high up for me to reach, and I put things too low for him, and because of that he now has a bad back. Of course at this point Elissa and Ila were looking at me like I had 12 heads.  

As I was walking home on a high from my day all I wanted was to call you and tell you about it. And hear your laugh in my ear at my absolute ridiculousness.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

Your eyes are playing tricks on you.

Hi –

I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror today, and for a moment it was you staring back at me.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“Before you met me I was a fairy princess

I caught frogs and called them prince

And made myself a queen

Before you knew me I traveled 'round the world

I slept in castles and fell in love

Because I was taught to dream

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top

To capture Tinkerbelle

They were just fireflies to the untrained eye

But I could always tell

I believe in fairytales and dreamers dreams like bed sheet sails

And I believe in peter pan and miracles

And anything I can to get by

And fireflies”

The house that Oprah built.

Hi –

I’m laying here finally watching the Barbara Walters special about Oprah Winfrey that Ed worked on. It’s pretty good. I figured a lot of it was going to be things I already knew or had heard but its not. Which is a nice change.

The part that touches me the most is when she is talking about her best friend Gail. Which often times I have thought is a lot like my relationship with Sara. She says this one line, ”The therapy I didn’t have, and the therapy I don’t need is because of my thousands and thousands of hours on the phone with Gail.” I’ve got to agree about that. In fact I distinctly remember a conversation with good ole Judith where I had said to her, that there was nothing I was saying to her in this session that I wouldn’t say to Sara. And maybe that’s why it wasn’t working for me. She pushed back saying that part of the thing about therapy is having that non-involved opinion. I have to disagree to an extent though. There’s something about having that person who is invested, and who does really care, give their opinion. It means more to me I think. Good thing my psychology career never went past Psych 101.

The other thing that keeps popping into my head while watching this Barbara special is that I’ll never get to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Which is sad I think. Not that I’m doing anything with my life that will land me on her show, but in the way back recesses of my mind I day dreamed about it. About doing something incredibly amazing with my life, and having Oprah be interested in it. And the two of us together talking and laughing on her couch. It would have been awesome.

What’s really interesting is that I can remember what that daydream used to be like before this all happened. Oprah would ask me how I became the person I was. And I would always say it was because of you.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

A bit more poetic then ‘Chicken Fried’

Hi –

I just heard this Zac Brown Band song - Colder Weather - that had this one line that pierced my soul.

And I know you love them so I wanted to share it.

"And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again"

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

Sun, Sand, and Surf. Almost paradise.

Hi –

I’m thinking that maybe I’m not doing as well as I once thought. And that maybe I’m a little more in denial than I originally thought.

I had a really great night. Becca came over, we ordered in Indian, and then along with Honey we had ourselves a fairly intense marathon of the TLC show ‘Toddlers and Tiaras.’ The show is amazing, and a little scary, and a little like watching a car crash. You just can’t look away.  Then our other friend Joey came over, and Matt came home from work and we all just hung out talking. It really was a great night.

Then just now I was locking up and shutting off lights and I was thinking, ‘I’ve got to call my mom in the morning and tell her about this show, and to thank her for never putting me in Pageants.’ But then I remember, and I’m reminding myself, and explaining to myself what happened.

It’s a bit cruel really.

There’s a fleeting moment of happiness. Of remembering what it felt like to be whole.

I’m thinking that I’m probably still on my sunny island with the pool house, cabana boy, Rab, and Randi – and that I never left.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Pin the diaper on the baby.

Hi.

I'm sitting at my friends Baby Shower watching her open gifts wondering who will buy me my favorite book from my childhood? Who knows what my favorite book is? Who will make sure I have 'Goodnight Moon?'

Love you forever, Miss you always
Rachel

Must have liver to enter.

Hey Lady –

Sara and I had a conversation today about Organ Donation and I was super excited to find out we are on the same page. In theory I really like it. Why wouldn’t I want to help other people. But, at the same time I have no idea what comes next, and what if I need my organs for whatever it might be.

I’m fully on board with live donation. If someone needed a kidney, a lobe of my liver, some bone marrow I’m your girl. But unless you can tell me what happens afterwards, which I guess you would be able too, I’m holding onto my liver. What if the afterlife is one huge never-ending party, but because I don’t have a liver I won’t be able to go. Then what?

Speaking of the whole what happens after a person dies, I’m not really sure where I stand on that. Heaven, hell, purgatory, reincarnation – not sure. I think maybe what I believe is that instead of you as a whole going to some other place, I think you become part of everything that is here and now. You stay with Dad, Matt, Me, Grandma, etc. Your essence that made you, you – is still in the house. I felt it when I was there last week. When I wear your perfume you’re there. When I play spite and malice with Randi and call her a ‘little shit’ you’re there. So maybe that’s what I believe. No heaven or hell, or a place of just waiting. I guess its partly reincarnation, you are reincarnated in all the things you loved.

Did I just become a Buddhist?

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Down the 'Rabbit Hole' I went. (Insert Spoiler warning)

Hi –

I saw 'Rabbit Hole' tonight with Elissa. I really liked it. I think there is a quiet truth to it. There are moments that will go by unnoticed to a lot, but it was those moments that I really connected with.

Nicole Kidman did a great job of fully embodying the character of someone who's grieving There was a general uneasiness that she conveyed perfectly. An uneasiness that I feel every day. Like you don't 100% trust yourself. You don't trust what your thinking or saying. And it's entirely possible you have already said the wrong thing.

I found myself saying, 'wow I did those exact same things.' I stared at walls for minutes or hours not remembering what I was doing before, or why I was in that spot. I did everything I could to keep moving; because I knew the moment I stopped it was all going to come apart. I also somehow stopped using the social graces I had been taught. When I was done, I was done. I could have been in the middle of a conversation about bringing peace in the Middle East, and if I felt like I was done I would have walked away. And I'm pretty sure I did those first few days and weeks. I know it was a good month before I made it through a full 8-hour workday. Arguing about Harry Potter seemed a bit trivial at the time.

There were parts of the movie that I just want to keep watching as well. Moments that I felt were taken right out of my head. There was the blow up between her and her husband, the one between her and her mother where she's angry that she keeps comparing the loss of her son to that of her brother, when they are clearly different. Then there was the moment in the basement where Nicole's character asks her mother, "does it ever go away." And with complete honesty; which most people are afraid to give; she says no. Her mother goes on to explain it is like carrying around a brick in your pocket. You forget about it, but every now and then you reach in to get your keys or something and surprise, it's still there. I haven't reached that point, but maybe one day.

Another really honest moment came from Aaron Eckhart's character where he talks about how sometimes he forgets that his son is gone. I forget all the time that you're gone. People don't understand how that's possible. But if you figure you've been a constant in my life for 26 years, it's pretty hard to turn that thought off. It's also incredibly difficult to get your brain to accept something so far fetched as you being gone.

At the end of the movie you can see Nicole's character begin to make her way out of the darkness, and I can't say I'm there yet. But I can only hope its coming for me. Her change comes after a breakdown and release. I haven't done that yet, so I'm thinking I've got some time to go. I've felt the beginning of a breakdown once or twice. But in my really awesome I'm stronger than this way, I've managed to push it down. Can't wait for the inevitable explosion that will be coming one day.

Anyway, I'm done rambling about the movie for the moment. I'm going to crawl into bed and fast-forward my way through the People's Choice Awards.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

"Baby I have been here before

I know this room; I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you.

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

Love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

Ripped from the headlines

Hi –

I’ve been known to watch an episode of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ here and there. I think it’s a great show, but it’s not a must see for me. Mainly because I think I have too many other things already recording during its time slot.

Apparently though last night’s episode played out like my life story. I’m not sure how the entire episode played out, but the one scene that was highlighted on my AOL homepage this morning was the ending scene. Normally carefree and happy-go-lucky Marshall runs into his wife Lily’s arms happy about life and she’s incredibly upset and tells him his father had a heart attack and died suddenly. Marshall’s final line is, "I'm not ready for this." Couldn’t agree more there Marshall.

I read a review of the episode and in the article there is a line – “Of course, now all I want to know is how this affects the usually affable and optimistic Marshall going forward. From the scenes we've seen of Middle-aged Marshall over the years, we know he's become disillusioned; maybe having his dad die on him so suddenly is the beginning of that” (http://www.tvsquad.com/2011/01/03/how-i-met-your-mother-season-6-episode-13-recap/)

I can’t help but wonder if that will be me. Perhaps my self recognition of all this, and ability to think about it means it wont be. But really who knows.

The only thing I know, and have known since all this happened was it would be the single most defining moment of my life. The moment which would impact everything that ever happened to me ever again. A moment I will wear like a badge – sometimes of honor, and sometimes of sadness.

A single moment.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

On and on, and on we go.

Hi –

I wonder where it started that as a society we put so much pressure on the concept of the ‘New Year’. Why does pretty much everyone think that just because it’s a new year things will be different. Or they will some how improve. I’m not sure I buy that.

I’m laying in my bed, in the dark, watching my DVR, nothing different than the nights before.

As far as I can tell nothing at all is different. I’m still me, you’re still gone, and I’m still lost.

Someone once said to me that this was already written in the stars. That this was always how it was going to be. And that was part of the reason we had the relationship we had, and loved the way we did. Because this was always going to happen and I would have all our memories too look back on. Sometimes in the quiet of the night that helps, and sometimes I just feel more robbed. At any given moment, on any given day, you are all I think about.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“And this is why my eyes are closed

It's just as well for all I've seen

And so it goes, and so it goes

And you're the only one who knows”

Hi -

I just don't understand why you had to go.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel