Fantastically Craptastic

Hi –

I’m not sure if it’s the weather, work, today’s date, or what; but my mood today has gone from walking on cloud 9 to wanting to curl up and ignore the world.

I had the realization today that everyone’s day is held up by tent poles, or markings perhaps. You wake up, go to work, go home, eat dinner, watch TV, and go to bed. Then do it all again. Everyone’s are different. Mine currently are wake up late, get to work late, come home, eat dinner, watch an ungodly amount of TV that amazes people, go to bed late. Rinse and repeat. My tent poles used to be much more lively though, and more interactive. I think with the New Year, has brought new laziness, if that was even possible.

I’m not sure what it is but in the last 2 weeks I have no drive for anything. Its like I'm outside by body watching myself be lazy, thinking wow you should really get your fat ass up off the couch and go to those Pilates classes you paid for and love, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m sure the insanely nasty weather the past 2 weeks has played a small part, but I can’t blame everything on Al Roker.

I’m sure the other huge factor is that the more time that goes by – 5 months exactly – the more it all becomes more real, not that it hasn’t been real this whole time.  It’s just that with time passing, there are more and more things that you miss. At the top of the list is Kalel’s drool filled grin. The list is also filled with really silly things like I’m going to the Dentist tomorrow, and I always called you on my way home to fill you in on my visit and bitch about whatever really expensive thing they tried to sell to me.  Who will I call tomorrow? And more importantly who would really care and listen to me bitch. And know that it has nothing at all to do with the dentist or what they were trying to peddle, and more that I just wanted someone to talk to while I walked.

There’s also this phenomenon that I can’t wrap my brain around of this empty void that’s left. This place that used to be filled with phone calls to you, letters in the mail from you, vacations with you, plans with you, hopes for my future with you. It doesn’t get filled with other people, or somehow no longer exist – it just stays there, missing your presence. Matt’s birthday was last week; I can’t imagine what that was like. Valentines Day is coming up; you were always my valentine since I was little. I never really minded Valentines Day because I knew that I would get a card and some amazing chocolates from you.  Maybe ill send myself some chocolates. I wish I could find those dark chocolate covered fortune cookies you sent us 2 years ago. They were amazing.

So yeah, they say it gets easier, and they say it just becomes part of you. Like an old pal, always around, sometimes more nagging than others. But right now, it just sucks.

Tomorrow is another day, and another attempt at making new tent poles. Here’s hoping that tomorrows are: Get up early, go to work, go to the dentist and have no cavities, go to Pilates, come home, watch a reasonable amount of TV, and go to bed at a decent hour.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel