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Hi 

I have reached anger. Should make for an interesting day.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Some facts….

Hi –

Fact 1 – when you died we were both reading the same book, without the other one knowing it. I found your copy of ‘Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’ on your bedside table.

Fact 2 – I have not read a book since.

Fact 3 – I keep buying books to read, but don’t actually read them.

Fact 4 – Today is your Anniversary with Dad. You would have been married for 33 years. You were married for 33 years. Do you automatically stop being married? People tell me I don’t stop being a daughter or that I no longer have a mother. I’ll always be your daughter. You will always be my mom. So by logical steps doesn’t that mean you will always be married to dad. I guess you will always be dad’s wife, but dad could be someone else’s husband right? Not sure if those logical steps make sense, or fall in order, but whatever really.  He should be someone else’s husband one day, when he’s ready. I want that for him, and I know you would have too.

Fact 5 – I might have purchased the most comfortable bed on the face of the planet.  I can’t remember a time before sleeping in this bed where I didn’t wake up multiple times through out the night.  I would roll over and go back to sleep, but I always woke up. I haven’t done that in my new awesome bed. I might be jinxing myself by putting this out there into the world, but go me on my bed purchase. Oh AND it was a queen size bed, so really go me on my bed purchase. Now, if only I had someone to share it with….

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

You get a tree, you get a tree, you get a tree, everyone gets a tree....

Hi –

So I’m finally home at a decent time and not completely exhausted and yawning every five minutes – go me. And I’ve been thinking of things all day to tell you, and now that I’m here I’ve got nothing.

I could tell you supremely boring things like my room is nowhere near where I want it to be. Pretty much everything I own is still in the box or suitcase it was shipped here in. And I’ve been wearing and washing the same 5 American Eagle shirts since I got here on May 5^th. But somehow that doesn’t seem really all that interesting.

Today was/is Carly’s birthday, as well as Pipers. As well as also being the 14^th anniversary of my bat-mitzvah. So many things, oh my. I participated in the Miller family tradition of happy birthday singing and cake eating at the ass crack of dawn, and then proceeded to ride the sugar high until about 10:30. Then pumped myself full of Starbucks to make it through the rest of the day.

My weekend plans consist of possibly going to Savannah with Meridith and Tory to see George and Pipers new house, and hang out. I’m on the fence though. It was the last place I saw you, so I’m not sure I’m ready for that whole can of worms yet. Perhaps forcing myself is the way to go, or taking the bird route and sticking my head in the ground and completely writing Savannah off the map. At the moment I’m leaning towards the latter, however it seems like a short-lived solution if you ask me. I suppose a conversation with Meridith is in order, where we can openly and honestly discuss our feelings and what we want out of this weekend. Then we can hold hands and skip through our apartment. It will be awesome.

Perhaps I’m more tired than I had thought, judging by my awesomely sarcastic tone at the moment. I guess I’ll head to bed, where I will dream of a world where you are still alive and tomorrow is not Oprah’s final show.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

I survived the rapture….I think….

Hi –

I want to write you more and tell you all about the awesome cool new things I’m doing, and all about my awesome cool new life in Orlando, but I’ve been beyond busy. So for now just know that I'm really loving every minute of everything at the moment. Even the multiple melt downs in Target.

I think about you a lot more now. Mostly while driving, and how I want to be telling you about all the things I’m doing. When I’m driving I always think this would be the perfect time to catch up with you, then I remember.

I have to go to bed now, because as always I’m exhausted from all the things that are keeping me so busy.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

I gots me a career!

Hi –

Oprah just asked Sarah Ferguson if when she moved into the Royal Palace after marrying Prince Andrew if she received a packet explaining how to live there, in a mock British accent. I’m really going to miss this show. Sarah replied that she had ‘ladies in waiting’ that helped her through it all. Man, I need to get me some of those, perhaps they would be doing the loads of laundry that I’m currently doing.

I’ve had my first, second, and third days of work so that’s fun. I’m pretty excited about it all, and I totally feel like I have it in the bag. In terms of I totally get it, and I know what I’m talking about, and I officially have a career. I Rachel Rosenthal work in Merchandising. I get stuff done!

But in all honesty, I think I’m going to really like this job. There is definitely a nice sense of accomplishment that comes from seeing a graphic on a computer one day, and then a month later holding a shirt in your hand and knowing that you did that. Or at least I think it will be. I’ll let you know for sure, once I’ve done it.

Off to bed I go now. While I’m definitely enjoying this job, its also definitely running me ragged – something about being on point nonstop for the past 3 days I’m sure.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

So here’s the thing....

Hi –

I’m exhausted.

I’m so far beyond the normal level of exhausted that I can tell it’s harder for me to form thoughts. I’m literally so tired that my brain is moving slower.

I’m so exhausted that I went to Target, stood in the bath towel aisle, and openly wept a little.  The varying colors of browns and beiges were more than I could comprehend at that moment. So instead I bought Carly a get-well bag filled with magical markers that only color on magical paper. Obviously the right decision.

That’s about where I’m at these days. Between being on point at work and trying to impress my new co-workers, moving, and spending insane amounts of money on said moving - I’m literally, figuratively, and any other way a person wants to take it, exhausted.

So with that I bid you goodnight. Where I will attempt to get a full 7 hours of sleep, and start all over again tomorrow. This time I’m bringing Meridith as reinforcements to Target. I must buy towels.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Almost through it

Hi –

Mother’s Day is 27 minutes from being over, and I have survived. There were a few questionable moments today. It’s hard to say though, if the desire to vomit on myself came from it being Mother’s Day or the fact that it’s my first day of work tomorrow at my brand spanking new job.

There have been so many changes in the last 2 weeks that when I do get the urge to vomit on myself it’s hard to pin point exactly where it’s coming from. I guess the bright side is that I have yet to actually throw up on myself, so no embarrassing moments to report of.

In the world of fun news Meridith and I are pretty much only a spice rack and cookie sheet away from having a stocked kitchen. We had intentions of buying patio furniture today, but instead we pretty much bought everything one would need for a kitchen.  

I’m going to head to sleep now, 7am is going to come much sooner than I would like.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Trust me on the sunscreen

Hi –

So it’s Mother’s Day and I’m going to try pretty hard to ignore it – and go about my business. I will acknowledge it here and now, and later when I call Grandma. Sara sent the following to me, and I’m putting it here because I think these are things you have, or would have said to me. Sentiments you would have passed along, or lessons you would have been there to see me learn. It’s called ‘Everybody is free (to wear sunscreen)’ and was written by Baz Luhrman, a man whose work I enjoy.

“Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term 
benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis, more reliable, than my own meandering experience.  I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind, you won't understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you, and how fabulous 
you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides 
you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.  The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (If you succeed in doing this, tell me how).

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.  The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of Calcium.  Be kind to your knees -- you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either.  Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body: use it every way you can.  Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the 
greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them).

Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.  Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.  Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.  Advice is a form of nostalgia 
dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal--wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and 
recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.”

So yeah – some I knew, some I didn’t. I’ll try to remember it all, and I’ll always use sunscreen. And if you were curious, I think it takes just over 5 years for New York City to make a person hard. I got out just in time.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

I have arrived

Hi –

I’m officially in Orlando, for good. When asked how I feel about it, my only answer is I’m tired. With all the traveling and stress and what not, all I want to do is sleep. Lucky for me there is no specific time I have to wake up tomorrow.

Meridith and I are going apartment shopping tomorrow, very exciting. It's going to be very different than apartment shopping in NYC. As of right now we have narrowed it down to 2 places. If neither works out, we are back to ground zero.

Not much else to say right now. I’m too tired to really think of anything clever.

Sunday is mother’s day. That should be interesting. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Last thoughts from high on a cloud…for a while anyway

Hi Lady –

I’m back on a plane at the moment. It’s my last for a while, that I know of anyway. The next flight I’m planning is for Matt’s wedding, but who knows where the next 3 months will take me. I plan on getting my passport renewed, so once that’s done the world is once again my oyster.

The past week has been insane. Literally. I had my last day at WB. It was definitely one of the more surreal moments in my life to date. It’s been my only job until now. It’s been my home for 5 years. Everyday I walked off the elevator, I knew what to expect; for the most part anyway. I knew Ila would be there, Elissa, Nevin, etc. I got a little teary eyed saying goodbye, I’m not going to lie about that. I also had my first thoughts of, ‘Oh my god! Did I do the right thing.’ They had to come sooner or later though, right. I guess it would have been really weird if I never had them. But I know I’m doing the right thing. Somewhere.

That night after saying goodbye Todd and Ila took me to a delicious last meal in NYC. Then I spent one more night on their couch before Sara came and got me and we went out to Jersey. I spent my last night in the NYC area at Rab’s house, which was important for me to do. That was the place I wanted to leave from. The last memories I wanted to have of living in the city.

The reason Sara came to get me was because we drove to Ohio for Shayan and Seema’s wedding, and it was amazing. Everyone at least once in his or her life should go to a full on Indian wedding. We 100% did dance in the streets, we had police escorts, and were lead by an SUV that had a sound system blaring music for us. The customary white horse that Shayan was supposed to arrive on was replaced by Seema’s Dads 1977 corvette, not a bad trade. I ate my face off, and then kept eating. Then I watched both of their families perform choreographed dances, 2 of them. It was epic. Again, totally recommend it.

I managed to listen to my first book on tape during our drive; you should be excited about that. I’m sure the fact that it was Tina Fey’s book “Bossypants” and she’s the reader had more to do with it, than me suddenly becoming a lover of books on tape. The book is amazing though. I’m now fully convinced that I want to be Tina Fey when I grow up, and I also want Sara to be her as well so that I can be best friends with myself, because she’s that awesome, and the book was that funny. I literally laughed my way across I-80 west.

Your birthday came and went. Did you do anything for it where you are? I hope so. I imagined you drinking the day away with Rue McClanahan and Dixie Carter. I know I would enjoy that myself. I celebrated your birthday by watching Prince William and Kate get married. I was oddly interested in it. Besides the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic, there was something about it. She looked beautiful, and together they looked relaxed, it was just nice to watch. Plus because I really am a girl, I of course had to see her dress when she first stepped out of the car.

I went to Target with Sara at one point and she was shopping for her Mothers Day card. I thought I would be really upset about the whole thing, but at the moment I’m not. I was looking for a card for grandma and I read one where the sentiment was that the grandma in the card liked her grandkids better than her actual kid, and the grandkid says, ‘don’t worry I won’t tell you know who.’ Meaning the mom or dad of the kid. I thought to myself, hmm that would be a really shitty card to get, and just kept looking, totally un-phased. I wonder if it’s because I’ve psyched myself up to be upset, that now I can’t actually get upset. I read somewhere that the anticipation of something is always worse that the reality of it. I also think I might be a little hardened inside. Maybe hardened isn’t the right way to say it, lets try that I’ve become cold. I know the right things to say in sad situations, and I say them, but there’s rarely feeling behind them. I would imagine its because I can’t get past my own sad situation that no one else compares. Not that I should be comparing situations. Grief is different for every person, and should never be compared. See – there I go. Totally know the right things to say, but I don’t believe them at all. If in some twisted moment I was playing a game of lets compare grief, I think I should win.

The plane I’m on right now is taking me to Fort Lauderdale where I will spend 2 days before driving to Orlando for good. Pretty exciting I think. My 2 days in Fort Lauderdale are going to be pretty exciting too. Ila will be down so I’m going to take her to crickets for a sandwich. I’m going to step foot into a Catholic Church to get some form filled out for Matt so he can get married to Lauren. I might even go through some of my stuff at the house and take it up to Orlando. That would make Dad really happy.

Oh also, I got my first speeding ticket, awesome huh? And in Ohio, so of course I have to pay it instead of fight it because unfortunately I’m unable to attend my court date on May 16^th. The really awesome part about the whole thing is that the ticket is for going 80 in a 70. I know I’m a total speed demon. What was I thinking?

I’m going to attempt to sleep for the last hour of my flight. I think now that I’m getting back into being in one place, and having a routine I’ll be writing more again. It was just my crazy schedule the last few weeks. I haven’t slept in the same bed for longer than 2 days for over a week now. Good thing I’m such an excellent sleeper.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes bolder, children get older

I'm getting older too, well…”