Happy Birthday Mom

Hi –

It’s been a while. I figured now’s as good a time as any really. Happy Birthday!

I think I spent the day in a pretty respectable fashion. Went to a Gospel Drag Show Brunch that included stripping and booby-tassels. Can’t go wrong there. Ran a bunch of errands with Meridith. Went to Publix. Made dinner. Then spent the rest of the night doing work things I had been putting off. For all intents and purposes I could have been you on a Sunday not all that long ago.  Probably minus the booby-tassels, but who knows.

Randi once told me a story how it took her 3 years and a rainy car ride for her to really accept that her dad was gone. For me I think it’s a long day at work, leaving me completely exhausted, and a long car ride home. Lately I’ve been getting in the car after work and using all my strength to drive home. But in those moments of complete exhaustion I find myself fixated on the thought that you might really be gone. It takes every ounce of will power I have left to swallow the tears that try to spill over my eyes and keep driving.  Sometimes I think how nice it would be to give into those tears. But paralyzed with the fear that once I start crying ill never stop. I swallow the tears and continue my drive home.  It’s a really healthy cycle I’ve got going.

So here we are 2 birthdays have passed and if I close my eyes – I can put myself back in the pool at the Mansion on Forsyth annoyed that the waiter is taking so long with our drinks and wondering how exactly you managed to burn your back during a hot stone massage. I’m scared there might be a day when I can no longer recall that memory and that weekend. They are my last.

With 20 minutes left of your birthday I’m going to get in my bed and watch some Star Trek and remember when I was younger and we watched it together – all 4 of us.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…When times are hard I forget you’re gone

I go to call you before it dawns on me

That you wont be there now…”

I know this to be true...

Hola –

Seems like it’s been way longer than just a week since I last wrote. It was Kahni’s birthday, I had dinner with Jodie, and I went to Savannah. It’s been quite a week.

Savannah was a lot of fun. I was really skeptical about going back there in general, but a beerfest seemed like as good a reason as any – it would have been good enough for you.

When we first got there Friday night we drove right by the mansion and I got choked up. I wasn’t expecting it, and I wasn’t paying any attention. One minute I was telling Meridith it was time to turn, and the next we were driving right in front of it. It caught me off guard, and cry I did. Luckily though with in a matter of seconds we pulled up to Pipers studio and on I went – and apparently so has the city. Piper said that the vegetable/fruit stand we went to and had those amazing tomato sandwiches is closed, and that the BBQ place has changed owners.

I put a lot into perspective this weekend too I think. I had a lot of time to think; 4 hours each way will do that to a person. Combine that with the hour I drive every day, and all I ever do is think. My mind is a constant stream of memories, what ifs, conversations, wishes, hopes, dreams, everything.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m to strong for my own good. If the wall I put up the day after is too high and too thick to ever come down. Or if I’m really ok, and there is no wall. If I really did grieve in a way that was exactly what I needed. And the lack of tears is just playing with my mind.

In a conversation I was having the other day I had a revelation of sorts. It’s not that I’m not facing the grief, or sadness, or absolute despair I feel. What it is though is that I’ve acknowledged it is not something that is going to change. You are not coming back – this is the one fundamental truth of my life from here on out. I’ve chosen to pick this up and carry it with me. It’s always going to be there. There’s no getting rid of it. So, instead of losing myself in it I’ve chosen to carry it with me and move along side of it. Whether I’ve truly accepted it or not is a completely different story, I’ve acknowledged its existence but I don’t necessarily believe it to be true. Does that even make sense?

Well if not, lets chalk it up to a long day and ill try again to explain another day. Or chalk it up to me being me.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…Well I've been thinking about
All these pills I'm taking

I wash ‘em down with an ice-cold beer
And the love I ain't been making

Oh I feel like I'm burning up
With words I ain't been saying

And all these pills I'm taking…”

You get a tree, you get a tree, you get a tree, everyone gets a tree....

Hi –

So I’m finally home at a decent time and not completely exhausted and yawning every five minutes – go me. And I’ve been thinking of things all day to tell you, and now that I’m here I’ve got nothing.

I could tell you supremely boring things like my room is nowhere near where I want it to be. Pretty much everything I own is still in the box or suitcase it was shipped here in. And I’ve been wearing and washing the same 5 American Eagle shirts since I got here on May 5^th. But somehow that doesn’t seem really all that interesting.

Today was/is Carly’s birthday, as well as Pipers. As well as also being the 14^th anniversary of my bat-mitzvah. So many things, oh my. I participated in the Miller family tradition of happy birthday singing and cake eating at the ass crack of dawn, and then proceeded to ride the sugar high until about 10:30. Then pumped myself full of Starbucks to make it through the rest of the day.

My weekend plans consist of possibly going to Savannah with Meridith and Tory to see George and Pipers new house, and hang out. I’m on the fence though. It was the last place I saw you, so I’m not sure I’m ready for that whole can of worms yet. Perhaps forcing myself is the way to go, or taking the bird route and sticking my head in the ground and completely writing Savannah off the map. At the moment I’m leaning towards the latter, however it seems like a short-lived solution if you ask me. I suppose a conversation with Meridith is in order, where we can openly and honestly discuss our feelings and what we want out of this weekend. Then we can hold hands and skip through our apartment. It will be awesome.

Perhaps I’m more tired than I had thought, judging by my awesomely sarcastic tone at the moment. I guess I’ll head to bed, where I will dream of a world where you are still alive and tomorrow is not Oprah’s final show.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel