Here I am, living the dream!

Yo yo yo –

Just sitting here watching some Oprah – ya know the usual!

Seriously though, I’m watching Oprah. Because she just can’t stay away from my TV! I’m actually watching her show on OWN ‘The Next Chapter’ – and her interview with Bobbi Kristina and Whitney Houston’s family - its interesting.

During the portion with Bobbi Kristina there was a part I could relate too. Oprah asked her if she ever thought this would happen. Bobbi Kristina said no. She never expected her to die, or ever thought she would. Of course not. I NEVER would have thought this would have happened to you either. If anyone had ever asked me I probably would have told them you were immortal because I’m pretty sure that’s what I believed. If they had asked me about Dad, my answer would have been different. But I’m sure everyone’s would have.  For as long as I can remember, there was a part of me that always knew that one-day Daddy would die, but never you.

After Bobbi Kristina said she never expected it, she went on to say that even though she never expected it Whitney had unknowingly prepared her for it making her the strong independent woman she was. Which is 100% true about me and you. I never expected this, or even thought of this day, but yet here I am living through it. And that’s because you made me this strong. I’m your spitting image in strength and determination.  Thank you, I guess. Although, if given the choice I’d want to be less strong and have you back.

In other news I finished my taxes. Not sure what that makes me, but here I am sitting on my couch being that person. I owe Turbo Tax a big thank you, and Kahni for answering my nagging question of in what state do I collect interest. Seems easy enough right – I live in Florida so I collect taxes in Florida. I was nervous though the government can be tricky. Amerprise’s address is in MN; I didn’t want to answer wrong. And now I'm rambling.

But good news both Federal and NY State were accepted.  I will make it another year as a tax-paying citizen. Go me! And now, I’ve managed to talk about the only 2 certain things in life - Death and Taxes.

On that note I’m going to fold my laundry and watch some Star Trek. I really live a riveting, earth shattering life these days.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…I didn’t know my own strength…”

You get a tree, you get a tree, you get a tree, everyone gets a tree....

Hi –

So I’m finally home at a decent time and not completely exhausted and yawning every five minutes – go me. And I’ve been thinking of things all day to tell you, and now that I’m here I’ve got nothing.

I could tell you supremely boring things like my room is nowhere near where I want it to be. Pretty much everything I own is still in the box or suitcase it was shipped here in. And I’ve been wearing and washing the same 5 American Eagle shirts since I got here on May 5^th. But somehow that doesn’t seem really all that interesting.

Today was/is Carly’s birthday, as well as Pipers. As well as also being the 14^th anniversary of my bat-mitzvah. So many things, oh my. I participated in the Miller family tradition of happy birthday singing and cake eating at the ass crack of dawn, and then proceeded to ride the sugar high until about 10:30. Then pumped myself full of Starbucks to make it through the rest of the day.

My weekend plans consist of possibly going to Savannah with Meridith and Tory to see George and Pipers new house, and hang out. I’m on the fence though. It was the last place I saw you, so I’m not sure I’m ready for that whole can of worms yet. Perhaps forcing myself is the way to go, or taking the bird route and sticking my head in the ground and completely writing Savannah off the map. At the moment I’m leaning towards the latter, however it seems like a short-lived solution if you ask me. I suppose a conversation with Meridith is in order, where we can openly and honestly discuss our feelings and what we want out of this weekend. Then we can hold hands and skip through our apartment. It will be awesome.

Perhaps I’m more tired than I had thought, judging by my awesomely sarcastic tone at the moment. I guess I’ll head to bed, where I will dream of a world where you are still alive and tomorrow is not Oprah’s final show.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

"Down the rabbit hole", a metaphor for adventure into the unknown

Hi –

The Oprah from yesterday was really good. It was Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman talking about their various projects at the moment. Oprah saw an advanced screening of ‘Rabbit Hole’ and she said it was really good. I really want to see it, but I can tell it’s going to be a huge tearjerker. There is this one scene in the trailer where Nicole’s character is at grief counseling for losing her child and someone says ‘G-d just needed another angel.’ And Nicole’s response is ‘he’s G-d, why didn’t he just make one himself.’ And its totally right, why doesn’t he? Why do people use that for as a platitude for what just happened? It doesn’t work, believe me.

Oprah also said ‘Rabbit Hole’ was kind of funny and you know what death is sort of funny. It's the most ridiculous thing that has ever happened to me. You were a healthy woman, there's no reason for it.

You find yourself doing and saying things you normally wouldn't. And everyone let's you get away with it because your mom just died. It's weird. I never pushed it to see how far I could have taken it, but I'm sure it would have been far.

Then when you make a joke or laugh or act normal people think it's too soon, they might look at you in a different way. Any joke you say or make about the person people get appalled and don't know how to respond.  There has been more than one occasion where I just wanted to blurt out ‘my moms dead’ in the middle of a conversation. I’m sure that would have gone over well.

The things that were normal about your life no longer are. If you were the one in your friend group who was the one everyone could lean on or go to for advice it stops immediately. No one wants to burden you or add to your problems. Funny thing is you being dead isn’t a problem it's a fact of life and it's not changing. You being gone doesn't mean that all my personality traits are gone. I’m still the same person; just have some scars and battle wounds.

It's all just really strange and a little bit funny.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“I’ve grown tired of holding this pose


I feel more like a stranger each time I come home”

Man, I love me some Garth Brooks.

Hi –

Not as much as Trisha, but he’s definitely up there. I’m watching Oprah from last week and Garth was on. I told Dad we are going to one of his shows at Wynn, whether he was a willing participant or not.

I was thinking today do you think I’ll ever fill the void I have? Will I fall in love one day and that will fill it? Will the love I have for everyone else in my life slowly fill it? Will Matt, Dad, and I fill it for each other? Or will it just be there forever and instead of ever being filled back up with love it will always be filled with longing for what I’ve been robbed of?

Just curious is all.

24 hours later, I’ve had my first hunger pain post wingpalooza.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

Only because Garth is on my TV singing it right now:

“Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared beneath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end, the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything

For a moment wasn't I a king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all

Yes my life, it's better left to chance

I could have missed the pain 

Those crazy Barenaked Ladies are Canadian. Who knew.

Hi –

I used to want to submit you for those ‘I have the best Mom’ contests, because I always thought I had the best mom.  I still do. I mean I thought you were awesome, as did most people. You could have won I’m sure.  The thing that always kept me from doing it was I thought you wouldn’t want it. That you would think it was silly.

I always found it really interesting how on shows like Oprah, The Today Show, The View, Dateline, etc any of those talk shows / news magazine shows, they always highlighted mothers who went and did something life changing. The mother who saved her children from a burning building or the mother who gave her child a kidney. They never talk about the mom who doesn’t do anything remarkable in terms of one single event, but does something every day. The mom who gets up every morning, gets her family up, goes to work all day long, comes home and makes dinner, helps with homework, and then does it all again the next day. The mom who raised really great kids who became upstanding members of society. The mom who created the home that all the friends wanted to hang out at, because it was comfortable and safe. The mom who always made a special dish for her daughter’s best friend who was on some random eating kick. How come the shows never highlighted her? Because she existed; she wasn’t some unreachable entity; she was you.

In most of the things I read about death, the majority of the surviving family members sadness comes from having left things unsaid. I can honestly say I’m 100% positive that’s not the case with me. I’m positive you knew I thought you were amazing, and that if I was half the mom you were I would have been fine with that.  So I don’t feel like I left things unsaid.

I’m also pretty sure I’m not falling into the trap where the surviving people glorify the person who has passed away. Where you start to forget all the things that used to annoy you about the person or that you always hated. I don’t think I’m doing that either. I’m just doing.

I’ll have to run this by Dr. Lee tomorrow. I forgot to cancel my appointment with 24 hours notice so it looks like I’m going back.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel