Kickstart This

Hi –

I’m currently watching some SONS while my brisket is simmering. I hope I did it right. I’m a little worried about my cutting technique and all the fat that was throughout the meat, but other than that I feel good about it. Smells good, that’s for sure – so that’s something. There was a small freak-out when I thought I had the wrong cranberries. Then Lily said, “well can’t you call her and ask her,” and of course me being me I replied back with, “no Lily I can’t call my mom.” She of course meant Grandma Phyllis thinking the recipe came from her. Good thing though, I re-read the recipe that I have from Rab and it said ‘whole cranberry sauce’ so all was good.

Today was a total off, should have stayed in bed, kind of day. I can always tell when I’m not my usual self. When my head and heart feel heavier. Last night as I was going to sleep all I could see when I closed my eyes was this perfectly clear image of you. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all through today either. I want to say there was more happening every time I closed my eyes but I can’t remember. 

All I know is that today I was completely preoccupied with thoughts about how I was going to make it the next 30 or so years with out you. So yeah needless to say it was a particularly awesome day.

The other day I heard this really good line about how from early on in life we learn that everyone one day will die, so you would think we would be better at dealing with it by now. It’s stuck with me since I heard it, and makes me think about this this documentary project called ‘The Club’ (http://www.theclubdocumentary.com) that profiles the lives of women around the world who prematurely lost their mothers. I can’t wait to see this project reach its fruition and be a world-renowned documentary. It needs to be. It’s a subject that not a lot of people talk about. I think if anything would help people ‘deal’ it would be something like this. Plus Rosie O’Donnell is in it – so that’s something. Gives it some credibility in my book. http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/theclubdoc/the-club-0

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

That'll be the day

Hi –

Every night before I fall asleep I think about how tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will play a more active roll in my life.  I will eat better, work out for a change, and finally do some of the items on my personal to do list. What ends up happening – none of those things. How do I make that change?

I want to be one of those people who likes to work out. Who looks forward to it. Who gets off on the endorphins, and the sweat, and all those things. But I don’t. There was a time, a few weeks of it, where I was going to Pilates pretty regularly and enjoying that. I somehow can’t get back into that. One-day maybe.

I’m waiting for the day when I feel like a true active participant in my life, and not someone who occasionally steps in. Those will be the days.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…A string of pearls, a foreign car

Oh, we can only go so far on caviar and Cabernet.

We drown our doubts in dry champagne,

And soothe our souls with fine cocaine….”

One is silver, and the other is gold.

Hola Mamasita,

I talk to you a lot in the car; well talk is a strong word. I think in my head as if I’m talking to you. Do you hear me? I think that’s why I’m not writing as much, because I’m spending all this time in the car now thinking my thoughts through. Where as when I was living in NYC I didn’t really have these huge chunks of time to myself.

I’ve been listening to ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ in the car. It’s a true story written by Joan Didion, about how her husband died almost instantly from a massive heart attack and the year that follows. I definitely relate to a lot of the things she says. There are some things that I have already realized about myself and when she says them I know for sure they are true. And then there are other things that I don’t even recognize about myself until I hear her describe it. 

At one point she talks about how the anger stage is actually broken into 3 sections, with the difference being who the anger is directed at. She says that at first people are angry with themselves, which I was. I was so angry that I was left. That I was surviving, and that this didn’t destroy me. That I some how handled it. Then she says you stop being angry with yourself and start being angry with the person who died. I’m not sure I was ever really angry with you per say. You didn’t chose this, and I believe with all my heart that you would have done anything you could do to have prevented it if you knew what was going to happen. Then finally you direct your anger to other survivors. Gotta say – that’s about where I’m at. There are times I have so much anger inside of me that is unresolved, and misplaced, and unhealthy, and everything else that anger is that I could probably start screaming and never stop. But that’s not hard to believe, I always did flare up rather easily.

On the other side of the token though everything else in my life right now is going really well. So that’s something. Professionally speaking this was the best move I could have made. I hope you can see that. I hope you can see that I’m doing really well. That I’m working harder than I ever have, and I hope you’re proud of me. That comes from you, you know.

Personally I’m getting there. I think the moments when I find myself losing it are important moments to go through. I think I’m surrounding myself with the right people, and I hope you can see that too. You always said it was better to have a few really close friends, than a lot of not so close friends.

And on that note, I’m off to bed. I had a lovely evening out with some friends for a birthday and now I’m pretty excited about not having to wake up in the AM until I’m good a ready.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Well so here I am at the end of the road

Where do I go from here?

I always figured it would be like this

Still nothing seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken and the prophecy fulfilled

But I just can't decide where to go

Yes, it's been quite a day and I should go to sleep

But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how to start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard

Well it's been quite a while since I lifted my head

And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes

I see the way that I’ve been spendin' my days

And reality has caught me by surprise

I was dreamin' of tomorrow so I sacrificed today

And it sure was a grand waste of time

And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face

I just can't get you out of my mind

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard”

I know this to be true...

Hola –

Seems like it’s been way longer than just a week since I last wrote. It was Kahni’s birthday, I had dinner with Jodie, and I went to Savannah. It’s been quite a week.

Savannah was a lot of fun. I was really skeptical about going back there in general, but a beerfest seemed like as good a reason as any – it would have been good enough for you.

When we first got there Friday night we drove right by the mansion and I got choked up. I wasn’t expecting it, and I wasn’t paying any attention. One minute I was telling Meridith it was time to turn, and the next we were driving right in front of it. It caught me off guard, and cry I did. Luckily though with in a matter of seconds we pulled up to Pipers studio and on I went – and apparently so has the city. Piper said that the vegetable/fruit stand we went to and had those amazing tomato sandwiches is closed, and that the BBQ place has changed owners.

I put a lot into perspective this weekend too I think. I had a lot of time to think; 4 hours each way will do that to a person. Combine that with the hour I drive every day, and all I ever do is think. My mind is a constant stream of memories, what ifs, conversations, wishes, hopes, dreams, everything.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m to strong for my own good. If the wall I put up the day after is too high and too thick to ever come down. Or if I’m really ok, and there is no wall. If I really did grieve in a way that was exactly what I needed. And the lack of tears is just playing with my mind.

In a conversation I was having the other day I had a revelation of sorts. It’s not that I’m not facing the grief, or sadness, or absolute despair I feel. What it is though is that I’ve acknowledged it is not something that is going to change. You are not coming back – this is the one fundamental truth of my life from here on out. I’ve chosen to pick this up and carry it with me. It’s always going to be there. There’s no getting rid of it. So, instead of losing myself in it I’ve chosen to carry it with me and move along side of it. Whether I’ve truly accepted it or not is a completely different story, I’ve acknowledged its existence but I don’t necessarily believe it to be true. Does that even make sense?

Well if not, lets chalk it up to a long day and ill try again to explain another day. Or chalk it up to me being me.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…Well I've been thinking about
All these pills I'm taking

I wash ‘em down with an ice-cold beer
And the love I ain't been making

Oh I feel like I'm burning up
With words I ain't been saying

And all these pills I'm taking…”