Dear Ndugu...

Hi,

I’ve decided that I’m going to take the child rearing approach to counting the time since you’ve been gone. Which makes today 14 months. Not a year and 2 months, but 14 months. I always think it’s interesting that until a kid is 2 years old you count the age by months. I don’t really get it – but I think its ok because I’m not a mom. I’m sure once I have a kid and I’m counting their age I’ll know why I tell people that he’s 18 months old and not a year and a half.

So yeah – 14 months. If we were in fact talking about a child’s development at 14 months I would mention how my kid was eating with his fingers, waving bye, and standing without any help. I mean I would just be praising my kid nonstop, because of course he would actually be ahead in his development and on the track for an 18 month milestone such as using a spoon and fork nicely and having the soft spot on his head closed up.

And I might have taken that too far. 

I guess we can see where my head is at the moment. I was just having a conversation with Sara about how I don’t understand how I go from where I am in my life right now to being an adult (because I believe myself to only be faking it) with a husband, and children and things. So I would very much like to ask you these questions. Amongst others.

In other news work is blowing up and I’m loving every minute of it. Work is one of the only places I feel in control of things. Keeping busy, not thinking about you, or dad, or life, really puts me in a much better place mentally. So that’s something.

Also, I’m pretty awesome at the game ‘Squeeze Its’ that Rosie played today on her new show. So I’ve got that going for me.

Sorry this was not at all interesting, but some of our conversations went that way – they can’t always be gems.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Kickstart This

Hi –

I’m currently watching some SONS while my brisket is simmering. I hope I did it right. I’m a little worried about my cutting technique and all the fat that was throughout the meat, but other than that I feel good about it. Smells good, that’s for sure – so that’s something. There was a small freak-out when I thought I had the wrong cranberries. Then Lily said, “well can’t you call her and ask her,” and of course me being me I replied back with, “no Lily I can’t call my mom.” She of course meant Grandma Phyllis thinking the recipe came from her. Good thing though, I re-read the recipe that I have from Rab and it said ‘whole cranberry sauce’ so all was good.

Today was a total off, should have stayed in bed, kind of day. I can always tell when I’m not my usual self. When my head and heart feel heavier. Last night as I was going to sleep all I could see when I closed my eyes was this perfectly clear image of you. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all through today either. I want to say there was more happening every time I closed my eyes but I can’t remember. 

All I know is that today I was completely preoccupied with thoughts about how I was going to make it the next 30 or so years with out you. So yeah needless to say it was a particularly awesome day.

The other day I heard this really good line about how from early on in life we learn that everyone one day will die, so you would think we would be better at dealing with it by now. It’s stuck with me since I heard it, and makes me think about this this documentary project called ‘The Club’ (http://www.theclubdocumentary.com) that profiles the lives of women around the world who prematurely lost their mothers. I can’t wait to see this project reach its fruition and be a world-renowned documentary. It needs to be. It’s a subject that not a lot of people talk about. I think if anything would help people ‘deal’ it would be something like this. Plus Rosie O’Donnell is in it – so that’s something. Gives it some credibility in my book. http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/theclubdoc/the-club-0

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel