Hi Mom -
As I sit here on the couch I can't help but wonder if I am too much exactly like you. I've always said that I wanted to grow up and be like you, and I think I might have done exactly that. I had this moment today as I was sitting at the dinner table, in your seat, eating dinner with Dad and Meridith that I was being you. I felt myself almost compelled to ask Dad how his day was.
The only reason I say this is because I wonder if I make things harder for Daddy. If I remind him so much of you that I might be hindering his healing process. I know he would say the exact opposite, that because I remind him so much of you its like a part of you is still here...but I just can't help but wonder.
I think today was a particularly bad day all around. It was the first day that there was nothing to do except your regular daily activites. There was no big task to focus on, no big project to complete, it was the first regular ho-hum day. It was the first time that you had to try at the whole being normal thing. And yet it felt like the most un-normal day yet. It felt staged, and rehearsed. I guess thats how it goes. I can hear the phrase 'fake it till you make it' repeating in my head.
I still don't understand, and i'm still bordering on the whole believing thing. I honestly just cant wrap my brain around it. I can't for the life of me grasp the fact that you're no longer around.
Now with that overly depressing thought i'm going to go and sit on the couch and watch something mindless with Meridith.
Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel
Monday, August 30, 2010
I'd like to thank my Mom...
Hi Mom -
Watched the Emmy's tonight and every single person that went up on the stage said something along those lines. Either they were thanking their mother, or saying hi to them in the camera because they were at home. It was quite a surreal moment to sit there and think what I would I might say if I ever found myself in that sort of situation -- up on a stage in front of millions of people on TV accepting an award for my amazing performance in a TV show or a Movie -- I mean its a totally believable thing that might happen to me. I might even say quite as believable as I would have thought having my mother die when I 26 would have been - so who knows what path might life be on.
I also couldn't help but think how I'm not going to be able to call you tomorrow morning and recount all the various dresses that the women were wearing. For instance, I was not a fan of January Jones' dress. Tina Fey's dress was up for debate in the house as we watched the awards but I liked it.
I put Kahni and Randi in charge of coming up with a themed meal for us to eat while watching the awards and let me tell you they did not disappoint. They made homemade TV dinners. They bought us real TV trays, that had the partitions and everything. They made fried chicken, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and vegetables. It was delicious.
Jewel sang a really cheesy song during the 'In Memorium' segment but it had a really good line in it "I have a whole in my heart in the shape of you." Its a perfect lyric because its unbelievably true. I do have a whole in my heart and it is in your shape. Some say it will grow back, and look the way it used it, but just not work the same way anymore. I'm not sure I believe that. I'm not sure it will ever grow back. I'll probably always have a hole, it just probably wont always hurt.
It turns out I know quite a few people who have been in this exact place. They say it gets easier but its just hard to believe. I still think you've just gone out to the store and you'll be back in a few minutes. Guess I'll be in the for the shock of a lifetime when you don't come back. Until then...
Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel
Watched the Emmy's tonight and every single person that went up on the stage said something along those lines. Either they were thanking their mother, or saying hi to them in the camera because they were at home. It was quite a surreal moment to sit there and think what I would I might say if I ever found myself in that sort of situation -- up on a stage in front of millions of people on TV accepting an award for my amazing performance in a TV show or a Movie -- I mean its a totally believable thing that might happen to me. I might even say quite as believable as I would have thought having my mother die when I 26 would have been - so who knows what path might life be on.
I also couldn't help but think how I'm not going to be able to call you tomorrow morning and recount all the various dresses that the women were wearing. For instance, I was not a fan of January Jones' dress. Tina Fey's dress was up for debate in the house as we watched the awards but I liked it.
I put Kahni and Randi in charge of coming up with a themed meal for us to eat while watching the awards and let me tell you they did not disappoint. They made homemade TV dinners. They bought us real TV trays, that had the partitions and everything. They made fried chicken, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and vegetables. It was delicious.
Jewel sang a really cheesy song during the 'In Memorium' segment but it had a really good line in it "I have a whole in my heart in the shape of you." Its a perfect lyric because its unbelievably true. I do have a whole in my heart and it is in your shape. Some say it will grow back, and look the way it used it, but just not work the same way anymore. I'm not sure I believe that. I'm not sure it will ever grow back. I'll probably always have a hole, it just probably wont always hurt.
It turns out I know quite a few people who have been in this exact place. They say it gets easier but its just hard to believe. I still think you've just gone out to the store and you'll be back in a few minutes. Guess I'll be in the for the shock of a lifetime when you don't come back. Until then...
Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Some days..
Hey -
There is a Trisha song (I'm pretty sure its a remake) that goes 'Some days are better than others.' Today that is the case. It wasn't so bad. I laughed A LOT. Having Carly and Meridith around does that to a person.
I took your opal ring over to Gary to get it re-sized seeing as how you have the worlds smallest fingers, and its only going to cost me $45 so that was a nice surprise. I'm not sure why, but I definitely figured it was going to be close to $100.
I guess the reason today wasn't so bad was because it was way easier to convince myself that it wasn't true. I was busy from the moment I got up and it didn't stop until a few minutes ago, and now I can just pretend that you've already gone to bed. This is probably going to end up biting me in the ass later in life or in a few weeks or something but I can't help it. Its a totally and completely unbelievable thing to me. I seriously just don't understand how you could be gone - just doesn't make sense.
Oh man - Carly totally redid my resume and made me a cover letter today its AMAZING. Like seriously who knew my job was so interesting, definitely doesn't seem that way day to day while I'm doing it. So now i have that which is good. Everyone always tells you, that you should have an up to date one just in case. Like you never know who you might run into or something. So now I've got one. Kahni passed it off to Terry to get his thoughts on it. So hopefully I get some good input on it.
Grandma also came over for dinner which Randi cooked, and it was actually really tasty surprisingly. She made skirt steak with this special marinade she knows. Apparently besides baking she can make skirt steak. Who knew. Grandma's doing OK. Just taking a day at a time I think. I think having her and Dad being so close prior is really helping both of them.
You would be happy to know that we got all the 'thank you' cards out that we needed to. We got these ones from the funeral home that have your picture on them. Apparently that's a comforting thing to some - to receive a picture on the thank you card. Its a good picture - from your 25th anniversary when you went on the cruise. Dad picked it out. So at least we got that done.
Anyway - I'm going to head to bed. I haven't been sleeping well which isn't really a shock I suppose. But I'm going to attempt to get a better nights sleep tonight by taking my personal favorite - a sleeping pill. I do find them super helpful.
Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel
There is a Trisha song (I'm pretty sure its a remake) that goes 'Some days are better than others.' Today that is the case. It wasn't so bad. I laughed A LOT. Having Carly and Meridith around does that to a person.
I took your opal ring over to Gary to get it re-sized seeing as how you have the worlds smallest fingers, and its only going to cost me $45 so that was a nice surprise. I'm not sure why, but I definitely figured it was going to be close to $100.
I guess the reason today wasn't so bad was because it was way easier to convince myself that it wasn't true. I was busy from the moment I got up and it didn't stop until a few minutes ago, and now I can just pretend that you've already gone to bed. This is probably going to end up biting me in the ass later in life or in a few weeks or something but I can't help it. Its a totally and completely unbelievable thing to me. I seriously just don't understand how you could be gone - just doesn't make sense.
Oh man - Carly totally redid my resume and made me a cover letter today its AMAZING. Like seriously who knew my job was so interesting, definitely doesn't seem that way day to day while I'm doing it. So now i have that which is good. Everyone always tells you, that you should have an up to date one just in case. Like you never know who you might run into or something. So now I've got one. Kahni passed it off to Terry to get his thoughts on it. So hopefully I get some good input on it.
Grandma also came over for dinner which Randi cooked, and it was actually really tasty surprisingly. She made skirt steak with this special marinade she knows. Apparently besides baking she can make skirt steak. Who knew. Grandma's doing OK. Just taking a day at a time I think. I think having her and Dad being so close prior is really helping both of them.
You would be happy to know that we got all the 'thank you' cards out that we needed to. We got these ones from the funeral home that have your picture on them. Apparently that's a comforting thing to some - to receive a picture on the thank you card. Its a good picture - from your 25th anniversary when you went on the cruise. Dad picked it out. So at least we got that done.
Anyway - I'm going to head to bed. I haven't been sleeping well which isn't really a shock I suppose. But I'm going to attempt to get a better nights sleep tonight by taking my personal favorite - a sleeping pill. I do find them super helpful.
Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Platitudes, schmatitudes
Hey Mom -
Today was a little rough. That nonsense they tell you about it only getting easier with time is pretty stupid if you ask me. Definitely only getting harder - Randi and Rab totally agree with me too. The more time that goes by the less you can convince yourself that its not true.
Meridith and Carly are here now so that's good. We are laughing quite a bit which is what I usually do with them, so that's nice. I'm pretty sure I saw dad laugh tonight as well. Kahni is here too.
I went to a preseason dolphins game with them. Phillip had 3 extra tickets and a parking pass so that was cool since we literally only paid for the beers we drank. I hung out with them for a while. They had Dillion with them. I literally watched him eat an entire pint of edys chocolate ice cream. Dee was laughing though saying that's the best part about being a grandma - you send them back to mom all hopped up on sugar. Sucks that we wont ever know that. That's a super hard part about all of this. I'm constantly faced with the things we will never do together, or anymore.
Sorry its so short. Carly, Meridith, and I are going to climb into bed and watch the season finale of US of Tara. Remember the last time they were here we literally watched the entire season in one sitting pretty much. Well we never made it to the finale so we are going to do that now.
Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel
Today was a little rough. That nonsense they tell you about it only getting easier with time is pretty stupid if you ask me. Definitely only getting harder - Randi and Rab totally agree with me too. The more time that goes by the less you can convince yourself that its not true.
Meridith and Carly are here now so that's good. We are laughing quite a bit which is what I usually do with them, so that's nice. I'm pretty sure I saw dad laugh tonight as well. Kahni is here too.
I went to a preseason dolphins game with them. Phillip had 3 extra tickets and a parking pass so that was cool since we literally only paid for the beers we drank. I hung out with them for a while. They had Dillion with them. I literally watched him eat an entire pint of edys chocolate ice cream. Dee was laughing though saying that's the best part about being a grandma - you send them back to mom all hopped up on sugar. Sucks that we wont ever know that. That's a super hard part about all of this. I'm constantly faced with the things we will never do together, or anymore.
Sorry its so short. Carly, Meridith, and I are going to climb into bed and watch the season finale of US of Tara. Remember the last time they were here we literally watched the entire season in one sitting pretty much. Well we never made it to the finale so we are going to do that now.
Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel
Thursday, August 26, 2010
It's been a week
Dear Mom,
Its been a week, and sometimes I think its a lie. If I close my eyes and listen I can hear you puttering around the kitchen. I sat in the backseat of your car today with Dad in the passenger seat and Matt driving, but I swear for a minute if someone had asked me I would have said it was you driving. It felt just like every other time we drove home from anywhere.
It's been 11 days since I spoke to you last and that might be the longest ever. So much has happened in the last 11 days that I want to tell you. You were the person that when something happened I wanted to call. So here is where I will tell you those things.
For starters Grandma and Uncle Phillip are talking and laughing and hugging each other. Its weird. But it's what you've always wanted so at least there is that.
Trisha was on the 4th hour of the Today show today. She looked good, but her hair was doing this weird thing.
Everything else at the moment revolves around what happened. I'm still not quite sure I understand exactly. One minute you were there and then literally you were gone. My entire life is different now. Everything about it. I can't tell you how many times in the last week people have told me how much I am like you. Which I always knew, I mean you did raise me. But i guess they mean the strength I've showed in the last days. I'm not strong though, not in the least. I'm just living in denial and I'm sure one day it will come smacking me in the face. Hard probably.
When people ask me how I am i tell them that - I've made myself a nice house on the island of denial. Rab and Randi are with me. We have a pool and a cabana boy. Sara is visiting, but she has school soon so she'll be leaving. And there I will stay for a while i guess.
Love you forever,
Rachel*
Its been a week, and sometimes I think its a lie. If I close my eyes and listen I can hear you puttering around the kitchen. I sat in the backseat of your car today with Dad in the passenger seat and Matt driving, but I swear for a minute if someone had asked me I would have said it was you driving. It felt just like every other time we drove home from anywhere.
It's been 11 days since I spoke to you last and that might be the longest ever. So much has happened in the last 11 days that I want to tell you. You were the person that when something happened I wanted to call. So here is where I will tell you those things.
For starters Grandma and Uncle Phillip are talking and laughing and hugging each other. Its weird. But it's what you've always wanted so at least there is that.
Trisha was on the 4th hour of the Today show today. She looked good, but her hair was doing this weird thing.
Everything else at the moment revolves around what happened. I'm still not quite sure I understand exactly. One minute you were there and then literally you were gone. My entire life is different now. Everything about it. I can't tell you how many times in the last week people have told me how much I am like you. Which I always knew, I mean you did raise me. But i guess they mean the strength I've showed in the last days. I'm not strong though, not in the least. I'm just living in denial and I'm sure one day it will come smacking me in the face. Hard probably.
When people ask me how I am i tell them that - I've made myself a nice house on the island of denial. Rab and Randi are with me. We have a pool and a cabana boy. Sara is visiting, but she has school soon so she'll be leaving. And there I will stay for a while i guess.
Love you forever,
Rachel*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)