Random memory…

Hi,

Remember when you and Dad drove me up to college and I cried the entire 6-hour plus car ride? Yeah that was awesome.

Dad was sitting in the backseat working, you drove, and we listened to Trisha the entire way. I just sat in the passenger seat singing along and crying.  Then we stayed at the downtown Doubletree for the night, and you and I went walking the streets looking for a gas station that sold cards so we could play Spite-and-Malice – which thinking back not sure why we ever thought that was a good idea.  But thankfully we found them, and were able to play a few games.

Anyway  - that memory popped in my head. I was watching ‘Modern Family’ and it was about the older daughter going away to college. Just made me think I guess.

Looking back - outside of the whole unstoppable crying and things, not a bad way to spend the night before going to college. Hanging with you.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

The dog days are not over

Hi –

Today I miss you so much I’m nauseous. I literally want to purge everything from with in me in some effort to prove how much I miss you and need you back. In an attempt to somehow prove I’m worthy and you should come back.

It took roughly 3 months, but tonight in a loud and crowded restaurant, while being a bit drunk on tequila and full it sank in a bit. I felt a part of me observing the crowd thinking ‘I wish I could be carefree like them.’ And just like that I was completely consumed by thoughts of you and everything that had just happened, and I lost it. I left the restaurant pretty quickly after shedding a few tears, and promising to text when I got home.  As it always happens the moment was gone just as quickly as it came. I quickly realized I had left my keys at home, and was going to be locked out.

Now 2 hours later I’ve talked to Dad and want to hug him. And spent some time sleeping on the floor outside my apartment.

Lets just say it’s been quite the evening.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

“Just another day without you.

I'll be okay without you.

I'll be fine.

I'll be all right.

But

I'm breaking apart inside.

I'm breaking apart inside.

I cry in my sleep at night.

I'm breaking apart without you.”

Man, I love me some Garth Brooks.

Hi –

Not as much as Trisha, but he’s definitely up there. I’m watching Oprah from last week and Garth was on. I told Dad we are going to one of his shows at Wynn, whether he was a willing participant or not.

I was thinking today do you think I’ll ever fill the void I have? Will I fall in love one day and that will fill it? Will the love I have for everyone else in my life slowly fill it? Will Matt, Dad, and I fill it for each other? Or will it just be there forever and instead of ever being filled back up with love it will always be filled with longing for what I’ve been robbed of?

Just curious is all.

24 hours later, I’ve had my first hunger pain post wingpalooza.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

Only because Garth is on my TV singing it right now:

“Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared beneath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end, the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything

For a moment wasn't I a king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all

Yes my life, it's better left to chance

I could have missed the pain 

A 4am thought from a tired mind.

Hi –

I saw a friend of a friend at a bar tonight. When she was gazing off into space, stealing a moment to herself she had sad eyes. Some of the saddest I have ever seen. There was something there bubbling below the surface, fighting her tooth and nail to come out. One word, touch, or glance in the wrong direction and I could see everything spilling over. 

I wonder if that’s what my eyes look like when I think no one is watching.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

“Sad eyes never lie”

Cue eyeroll...

Hi -

So you had to know this was coming. There is this Trisha Yearwood song that perfectly fits my life at the moment. Its called 'Some Day's:

If you see dark skies in my green eyes
It's just that I can't find no cover
These ghosts that haunt me
They get me when they want me
And some days are better than others

I didn't sleep last night, I guess that's the price
You pay for a soul that's troubled
And curse or blessing I'm here confessing
Some days are better than others

I have these moments of weakness
But I've had a lifetime of strength
And I know I will defeat this
But that's not what my heart wants to think

And even tomorrow is tinged with sorrow
When one fool longs for another
This can't last forever, just like the weather
Some days are better than others

The only difference is having a full good day is too much to hope for at this moment. If I wrote it - it would be 'some moments' but I guess days is a better word to sing. Not sure though, I'm not a singer. It is interesting to me how I can get up in the morning, get in the shower, and make it all the way to work without a second thought. The minute I sit down at my desk though, its just nothing. I can't bring myself to work, or function properly. I end up staring at the computer screen or talking online to Sara and Honey but not actually working, or thinking, or anything. I just go blank. Then around noon or so it passes. I'm able to figure out what I should be doing and accomplish a bit of work. Then its like another switch goes and I'm back to just staring.

I read this article last night that was about coping with unexpected death verses expected death and how it's often harder to deal with. It was interesting, but at the same time - all things I could have told myself. It talks about how people often agonize about the final days; if you said 'I love you' if you could have seen the signs, etc. But I KNOW i said 'I love you' - I ALWAYS said I love you when I get off the phone. I've agonized somewhat over the fact that I was drunk the last time we talked, but we both know that was a fairly usual occurrence for me, and that you found it slightly amusing. We also know that I'm a pretty neurotic person to begin with and used to think about how i would react in this particular situation. Well I can honestly say its not how I always thought I would react - but there's pretty much nothing in life that turns out how you think it will, so there's that.

I can remember all the conversations I've had with dad about things happening in life - and how he always would ask me to think back to what my expectations where of the event before it happened, and I could never remember. The actual event always overshadows whatever expectations I might have had. For some reason though not this time. I know that i used to think i would be a complete and utter mess, and not able to get out of bed. So far, I've gotten out of bed every day - what else am i going to do. That's not to say I haven't gotten back into it half way through the day a couple of times - but I've gotten up, and showered every single day since so that's an accomplishment of sorts on its own I suppose.

I'm actually sitting at work right now, avoiding my inbox that is blinking at me about my 12 unread emails so I'm going to go and do something with those now. I have more I want to tell you though, so I'll be back later.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

Some days..

Hey -

There is a Trisha song (I'm pretty sure its a remake) that goes 'Some days are better than others.' Today that is the case. It wasn't so bad. I laughed A LOT. Having Carly and Meridith around does that to a person.

I took your opal ring over to Gary to get it re-sized seeing as how you have the worlds smallest fingers, and its only going to cost me $45 so that was a nice surprise. I'm not sure why, but I definitely figured it was going to be close to $100.

I guess the reason today wasn't so bad was because it was way easier to convince myself that it wasn't true. I was busy from the moment I got up and it didn't stop until a few minutes ago, and now I can just pretend that you've already gone to bed. This is probably going to end up biting me in the ass later in life or in a few weeks or something but I can't help it. Its a totally and completely unbelievable thing to me. I seriously just don't understand how you could be gone - just doesn't make sense.

Oh man - Carly totally redid my resume and made me a cover letter today its AMAZING. Like seriously who knew my job was so interesting, definitely doesn't seem that way day to day while I'm doing it. So now i have that which is good. Everyone always tells you, that you should have an up to date one just in case. Like you never know who you might run into or something. So now I've got one. Kahni passed it off to Terry to get his thoughts on it. So hopefully I get some good input on it.

Grandma also came over for dinner which Randi cooked, and it was actually really tasty surprisingly. She made skirt steak with this special marinade she knows. Apparently besides baking she can make skirt steak. Who knew. Grandma's doing OK. Just taking a day at a time I think. I think having her and Dad being so close prior is really helping both of them.

You would be happy to know that we got all the 'thank you' cards out that we needed to. We got these ones from the funeral home that have your picture on them. Apparently that's a comforting thing to some - to receive a picture on the thank you card.  Its a good picture - from your 25th anniversary when you went on the cruise. Dad picked it out. So at least we got that done.

Anyway - I'm going to head to bed. I haven't been sleeping well which isn't really a shock I suppose. But I'm going to attempt to get a better nights sleep tonight by taking my personal favorite - a sleeping pill. I do find them super helpful.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel

It's been a week

Dear Mom,

Its been a week, and sometimes I think its a lie. If I close my eyes and listen I can hear you puttering around the kitchen. I sat in the backseat of your car today with Dad in the passenger seat and Matt driving, but I swear for a minute if someone had asked me I would have said it was you driving. It felt just like every other time we drove home from anywhere.

It's been 11 days since I spoke to you last and that might be the longest ever. So much has happened in the last 11 days that I want to tell you. You were the person that when something happened I wanted to call. So here is where I will tell you those things.

For starters Grandma and Uncle Phillip are talking and laughing and hugging each other. Its weird. But it's what you've always wanted so at least there is that.

Trisha was on the 4th hour of the Today show today. She looked good, but her hair was doing this weird thing.

Everything else at the moment revolves around what happened. I'm still not quite sure I understand exactly. One minute you were there and then literally you were gone. My entire life is different now. Everything about it. I can't tell you how many times in the last week people have told me how much I am like you. Which I always knew, I mean you did raise me. But i guess they mean the strength I've showed in the last days. I'm not strong though, not in the least. I'm just living in denial and I'm sure one day it will come smacking me in the face.  Hard probably.

When people ask me how I am i tell them that - I've made myself a nice house on the island of denial. Rab and Randi are with me. We have a pool and a cabana boy. Sara is visiting, but she has school soon so she'll be leaving.  And there I will stay for a while i guess.

Love you forever,
Rachel*