Cue eyeroll...

Hi -

So you had to know this was coming. There is this Trisha Yearwood song that perfectly fits my life at the moment. Its called 'Some Day's:

If you see dark skies in my green eyes
It's just that I can't find no cover
These ghosts that haunt me
They get me when they want me
And some days are better than others

I didn't sleep last night, I guess that's the price
You pay for a soul that's troubled
And curse or blessing I'm here confessing
Some days are better than others

I have these moments of weakness
But I've had a lifetime of strength
And I know I will defeat this
But that's not what my heart wants to think

And even tomorrow is tinged with sorrow
When one fool longs for another
This can't last forever, just like the weather
Some days are better than others

The only difference is having a full good day is too much to hope for at this moment. If I wrote it - it would be 'some moments' but I guess days is a better word to sing. Not sure though, I'm not a singer. It is interesting to me how I can get up in the morning, get in the shower, and make it all the way to work without a second thought. The minute I sit down at my desk though, its just nothing. I can't bring myself to work, or function properly. I end up staring at the computer screen or talking online to Sara and Honey but not actually working, or thinking, or anything. I just go blank. Then around noon or so it passes. I'm able to figure out what I should be doing and accomplish a bit of work. Then its like another switch goes and I'm back to just staring.

I read this article last night that was about coping with unexpected death verses expected death and how it's often harder to deal with. It was interesting, but at the same time - all things I could have told myself. It talks about how people often agonize about the final days; if you said 'I love you' if you could have seen the signs, etc. But I KNOW i said 'I love you' - I ALWAYS said I love you when I get off the phone. I've agonized somewhat over the fact that I was drunk the last time we talked, but we both know that was a fairly usual occurrence for me, and that you found it slightly amusing. We also know that I'm a pretty neurotic person to begin with and used to think about how i would react in this particular situation. Well I can honestly say its not how I always thought I would react - but there's pretty much nothing in life that turns out how you think it will, so there's that.

I can remember all the conversations I've had with dad about things happening in life - and how he always would ask me to think back to what my expectations where of the event before it happened, and I could never remember. The actual event always overshadows whatever expectations I might have had. For some reason though not this time. I know that i used to think i would be a complete and utter mess, and not able to get out of bed. So far, I've gotten out of bed every day - what else am i going to do. That's not to say I haven't gotten back into it half way through the day a couple of times - but I've gotten up, and showered every single day since so that's an accomplishment of sorts on its own I suppose.

I'm actually sitting at work right now, avoiding my inbox that is blinking at me about my 12 unread emails so I'm going to go and do something with those now. I have more I want to tell you though, so I'll be back later.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel