L'Shana Tova

Hi -

Happy New Year Mom. All I can think about is the creepy story they tell you when you are younger about the Jewish High Holidays. How on Rosh Hashanah the book of life is opened, along with the book of death. Then you are given the next 10 days to atone for all your sins in the past year. The books are then closed on Yom Kippur and depending on which book you are written in dictates the rest of your year. Guess we know where your name was written - that's such a horrible thought. As well as one of the worst stories to tell young kids EVER. I can't believe that's what they tell us to explain the two holidays. You would think there was a better way - or at least I'm hoping they have come up with a better way by now.

I need to call Grandma. She went to dinner at Phillip and Dee's tonight for the Holiday and I need to find out how it went. Uncle Marty went with them, and I got a text from Dad at some point saying he was in his element since he found a whole new audience to tell his jokes to. I guess that's good. As long as everyone had a good time all is well for the moment.

Ila and I watched the remake of The Women tonight. I have to say it was not exactly as bad as everyone was making it out to - that of course could be because I didn't have to pay for it but who knows.  I'm not encouraging everyone to run out and see it, but ya know if a person were to stumble upon it I wouldn't scream change the channel or anything. Good ole Candace Bergen had a good moment in the movie. She was talking about the feeling a woman has when her husband cheats on her. She said something to the extent of; 'It feels like someone ripped your heart out. Like your having that dream where your falling and you want to wake up before you hit the ground. Like you've been punched in the gut and it will never stop hurting. Like you'll never trust again.' All I could do was look at Ila and say, well that's exactly how I feel right now. 

I think I still might be unsettling people with my reactions to everything. The thing is I've got nothing. Nothing in my head, nothing in my thoughts, just nothing. When I'm quiet and staring off into space I'm really not thinking about anything. It could be I'm pondering the lint on my jeans at that given moment, or what might be on TV that evening. There really is nothing higher end happening in my brain. And honestly I think that's OK. I've got nothing to give anyone right now. What strength I have is all for Dad, and whats left if any is getting me out of bed (or really off Ila's couch) in the morning. In fact there's so little going on in my head right now that it takes all my energy to put things there. Its taking everything I have to be able to work during the day. To not just stare at the computer screen from 10 - 6.

Today was a bit better though. I made it all day at work. Granted my productivity level is still not quite where it should be, but I think the fact that I made it to 6:30 is worth a shout out for sure.

So I was going to put the English version of the Mourners Kaddish here now. Seeing as how its the holiday and I should say it. Up until now, and even now I'm not really doing the whole why God, why thing, and blaming god. But I just can't bring myself to copy and paste the text here. I read through it and it just doesn't seem to fit. I'm not blaming God or saying its all Gods fault, but I'm also not exactly ready to say; "May His great Name grow exalted and sanctified, etc" One day, I'll be there, but definitely not right now. It definitely sounds better in Hebrew anyway.


Till tomorrow.


Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel