Hey –
There are moments when I
look around a room and think to myself how did I get here. How did this become
my life. I think I’ve said this before, but it’s still very true. Every once in
a while I’ll take inventory of a room, and think hmmmmm so this is it. It’s not always in a bad way or a good
way. Just a truth.
Some other truths for the
moment – I’m unemployed. Yep, that happened. May 1st came and went –
along with my job. There were tears, anxiety, hugs, well wishes, and then it
was over. Slightly anti-climactic. But aren’t most things. I’m still pretty
terrified, and not at all confident it really happened. There’s a part of me
that truly believes after we get back from Hawaii, I'm going back to work. I
guess when I wake up on Matt’s couch on May 20th; it might start to
sink in.
I’m also somewhat
homeless. I prefer not to say homeless, but un-tethered. Meridith and I moved
out of our lovely Baldwin Park apartment. Again, there were tears, anxiety, a
lot of sweat, and then it was over. In the words of the very wise Meridith, ‘it
took us a week in May 2 years ago to build this life, and its taking us a week
in May 2 years later to take it apart. We can get it back if we want it.’ She’s
so wise that Meridith. Alas, we are moving on though. She’s got boxes packed up
at Carly’s ready for China and I’ve got a few boxes and suitcases in the garage
at Dad’s. I got rid of the majority of all of my belongings. The amount of
things I kept fit into the Kia with room to see out the back.
The 2 years I spent in
Orlando were amazing, painful, healing, extraordinary, hysterical, some of the
best of my life. I needed them. I healed a part of myself during those 2 years.
But, my time there ran its course. I could probably have stayed there forever.
It was comfortable. Too comfortable, some might say. Too easy.
A little over a week ago,
I had a psychic massage. It’s not exactly a psychic massage but I’m not sure
what else to call it. The woman who is giving you the massage reads your energy
and intuits things about you. I have to say I went in with no expectations or
fears about what she was going to say. In fact I was really going more for the
massage then anything else. But, she got me. With in a minute of the massage
she said something and I just thought, well here we go. She knows what she’s
doing. She pretty much took the
proverbial hammer and hit the shit out of the nail.
She said a lot of things,
and I really do believe that you can choose how much stock you want to put into
them. How much you want to focus on what she is saying. How much you want to
now make your life about what she has said. Or change things perhaps. It’s all
up to you. She’s only telling you how things look in that moment. There were a
few things she said that really stood out. Things that Carly and Meridith and
Sara have all said to me before but when this woman who you have never met is
telling you that you have a strong and hard soul, that you don’t trust or open
up to others easily - you tend to believe it a little more. When she tells you that you need to
learn to be more open and allow yourself to get hurt, and experience romance
and intimacy, and be softer - you hear it in a different way. It sounds
different somehow when she says it.
When she tells you that
the adventure your beginning on will be amazing as long as you are open to it,
and allow things to happen and experiences to develop in front of you, it
sounds easy and amazing, and like something I want to do. Something that I need
to do. I don’t want to be a hard person. I don’t want to never experience
romance or intimacy. I want to be in love. I want these things for myself. She
made me believe that they can happen, and will happen. So these words of hers I
chose to believe and put weight in.
We spent a lot of time
talking about you (shocker I know).
We talked about reincarnation, and about how this is not our only life. Then
she told me something that I will keep with me forever. She said that she saw
the reason I was brought to her that day for the massage. I was there and she
was there in that moment, so that she could tell me that this was not our only
life together, that You Me and Matt have been together forever. In our past
lives we were not always mother and children, but that we were always together
in some way or another. She told me that in this life you could only be here
for a short time, and that you were sorry about that. But the whole reason for
this life and this moment was for you to be our mother, and that you had to
leave so soon so that I could become the strong person I am today, so that I
could do the things that I am doing. She told me you were with me always, and
that one day in this life I will find you again in the physical form. She
didn’t say specifically how I would find you – just that I would. That in your
moment of a death, someone was having a moment of life and that was where you
went. And I would run into you again. But not to worry because we would also
find each other in our next lives too, because we are always together. I will
carry that with me always.
I think that’s why ever
since you died I’ve been drawn to the e.e. cummings poem ‘I carry your heart’
because I do carry it. I’ll carry it until we are back together.
Love you forever, Miss
you always.
Rachel
“i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i
fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my
true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the
bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which
grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars
apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)”
