Happy Birthday

And Scene....

Hi –

I could really use your ability to know what to say to calm me down right about now.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

Almost had it all…

Hi –

I had my first of 3 goodbye dinners tonight with Honey, Matt, Scott, Becca, Ray, Nick, Bill, Dustin, Steph, Chris, Abby, and Tom. It was a blast. Laughs, loves, and even a game of telephone.

It’s weird though, it didn’t feel like goodbye at all. Sure I hugged everyone extra tight and closed by eyes, but at the end when I got into a cab it didn’t feel like goodbye. It could be because I’m going to see them all in August at Scott and Beccas wedding, or because deep down I know I’m going to see them all again down the road, but regardless it didn’t feel like the end of something.

I’m sitting on Ila’s patio right now looking at the new World Trade Center or the Freedom Tower, whatever its called, in the fog. The top is disappearing into the fog but its weird because I also know that the floors don’t go much higher than the fog, it’s this weird mirage of sorts. It’s pretty cool if I do say so myself.

Not much to say tonight. Just that it’s the beginning of the end here, and yet it feels nothing close to that. I want myself to feel some profound shift. A mental change. Someway to denote the next phase of my life, but I’ve got to say - I’ve got nothing. I’m super excited about the next phase, but it feels completely normal – like waking up tomorrow.  Not sure how I’ll feel when tomorrow doesn’t result in hanging out with Elissa and Ila and calling it work, but I guess I’ll figure that out when tomorrow actually comes.

I will say this though, and this just might be the cold hearted part of me that hides deep down inside, but as each person looked me in the eyes and hugged me they said, “I can’t believe you’re leaving.” All I could think, but never said was, “what did you expect of me, my mom died.”  And there is this part of me somewhere that says, “Well, what did you expect of me? My mom died.”

Love you forever, Miss you always,
Rachel

‘….I won’t let you close enough to hurt me….’

Do you have some time....

Hi –

So lets play catch up…

So I got a job – yay me.  That really takes a huge load off my mind. I was definitely feeling some self-induced pressure about not having a job when I moved. You can also rest easy knowing that as well. Every once in awhile when I was really still I could hear you in my head telling me how, even though you were on my side, you couldn’t believe I was moving without a job.  I did some second guessing at times, thinking about you and what you would have thought, but knew it was a crazy circle of what ifs because everything was different now.

But yeah – I’ll have health insurance, so go me.

I had this really amazing moment of clarity while I was in Orlando, on so many things. First I realized that I am 150% a Jew. There is no question about it. I attended   bible study with everyone while I was in Orlando last week. More so by default than anything else. It’s every Monday night between all the Millers, Heads, Marrero’s, and some other people and it rotates houses every week, and it was at Carly’s while I was there so I went. And I’m glad I did.

It starts with an awesome meal every week that a different person prepares so that was cool. Then they have rotating teachers as well, where one person brings an idea to the group, interesting bible verses, etc. As soon as the person who was teaching opened their mouth, there was just a way to her voice. It was very preachy, so of course me being me, was sitting there mumbling under my breath about it to Lily. She’s talking about offering encouragement to other people, and how you can never give too much. All the while, I’m sitting there thinking, of course you can. You can most certainly give too much encouragement. Sometimes kids are just not supposed to do things, period end of discussion. But because of some miss-guided encouragement they now they can. I think its ultimately more telling about a person when they can recognize that they in fact cannot do something. Anyway – I’m getting off topic. The moral was that, I in no way agreed, and could only see the pessimism and cynicism in what she was saying.

Anyway – so her thought for the group that night was to go around the group of people (10 of us, including me) and have every other person offer than words of encouragement. At first I had my doubts I have to admit that. But it really turned into this amazing thing. At the most basic of levels I was really able to take a look at these people I was surrounded by and realize that yes, I really like them, and I’m so excited to be coming down here with them; Danny and Meagan and their baby; Loi and Marshall to see the life they will have together; Lily to see the woman she is beautifully becoming.

I was also able to realize that there is this whole world of people out there who come together because they like each other, they think they have interesting and thoughtful words to say, and it has absolutely nothing to do with alcohol.  They had come together in essence to worship Jesus and God, not the carafe of juiced down boxed wine presented to them by the tiny Asian.

Then on this completely other level I tapped into the sadness that is so deep inside of me and I cried. I cried quite painful tears that streaked down my face one after another. I went through tissue, after tissue, after toilet paper square, and finally to scratchy fast food take out napkin. I tapped into this tucked away space of my gut that sometimes grabs hold of me, and wonders did you really know how much I loved you, and how much you were the center of my life.

And then, still, there was another way I was moved by that night. I was able to look at Carly, Richard, and Meridith and say thank you. Because without realizing it, and I would imagine incredibly unconsciously they are some of the people who have stepped up the most in the last 7 months.  Along with a few other people I would not have survived, period end of story. I just wouldn’t have. And how do you say thank you for that? I could give them all my first born – they could all take turns passing him/her around as my eternal thank you. Somehow I don’t think that would work. I can say it and I can write it here, but I think there was something about being there, with runny noses and puffy eyes that made the infinitely more perfect.

Then somehow the woman, Sarah, who was leading the group that night came up with the perfect Old Testament passage to sum us up. It’s taken from Ecclesiastes:

9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. 11 Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? 12 And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

So, that’s just some stuff going on.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

"Mucinex in, Mucus Out"

Hi –

I’m absolutely miserable. In only the way I know how, I’ve managed to get a cold during my last week in NYC. As always I’m awesome.

It was quite the week, and weekend, and life for the past 10 days really.

I want to tell you all about it, but I have zero energy, and the angle at which my head is while typing makes my nose run. So it will have to wait until tomorrow.

But I will leave you with this life mystery – why is Nyquil so difficult to swallow? You would think since one of the reasons you are probably taking it is because your throat is closing up on you they would make them a little smaller or better shaped to help with the swallowing.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Insert cliché...you can't go home.

 Hi -  

Nothing is the same anymore. Coming home for a weekend is no longer the relaxing reprieve it once was. A visit to Target now makes me $100 poorer instead of you. Trips away with the family are not the same. I can see dad searching the room for you. I can tell my body language is more closed off than it once was.

The facade only lasts so long. The cliché about feeling alone in a crowded room is actually true.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Nothing on the menu is over 475 calories, but you can't eat just one!

Hi –

So hey newsflash, tonight you paid for Dinner. Awesome huh.  Dad and I met up with Grandma, Randi, and Uncle Marty at Seasons 52 and we used gift cards that were yours, so thanks. We had a really nice time. Marty was giving it good to the waitress, and she was giving it back just as strong. It was fun to watch.

You also got dad a nice discount on some shirts from Macy’s. Your card is still active and he was able to use it. You’re really racking up those reward points.

I’m going to eat my first Crickets sandwich tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it, I’ve been having a pretty intense internal debate about what to get. Turkey, Philly Cheesesteak, or Brisket, I just don’t know. It will come down to my mood I imagine. The place looks amazing though. He’s done an amazing thing there. I can’t wait until more and more people find it.

I’ve had a really excellent 2 days here, and I’m hoping my 2 days in Orlando go just as well. Wish me luck.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Thoughts from high on a cloud

Hi –

I’m on what is going to be the first of many plane rides this week. I’m on my way to Fort Lauderdale right now. Then on Thursday I'm going to fly to LA for Hanon’s wedding. My final flight on this trip is back to NYC on Monday where I will finish out my two weeks in the city before moving to Orlando. Yikes – it’s coming up fast.

I always write on planes. There’s something about being on a plane, its like having found time. You can’t really be doing anything else except hanging out with yourself. You either listen to music, (which I'm currently doing – thank you iTunes and the new Adele CD) read, sleep, or basically any quiet relaxing one-person activity. It’s nice though. There’s also this false sense of being alone. It’s like your seat is your own little world. And even though other people can see what your doing, you think they can’t and that your invisible. It’s a bit of the same feeling as being at the movies. You know you are watching with other people, but its dark and you think they can’t see or hear you. That’s why its one of the only places a lot of people cry. There’s a safety there. You are having this shared experience with the other people in the theater. For that moment in time you are all watching the same thing, doing the same thing, sharing this moment. I love going to the movies.  I’m rambling sorry.

Dad’s picking me up at the airport and then we have to go to Crickets because my car is there. I’m excited because I want to see it, but shhh don’t tell him I had a sandwich at the airport. Although he reads this so he will know, but lets pretend. I’ll have more chances to eat there so I’m not worried about it. Maybe ill eat one of his garlic pickles though, or taste the potato salad. Oh man, or have a fountain soda! We shall see. The world is my oyster, I can eat whatever I want.

This is true though, the world is my oyster. I have a ton of plans for the 5 seconds I’m at home, and I’m looking forward to all of them. Lets hope I stay that way though. The last time I had plans I was looking forward too I had a complete melt down.  Wish me luck that doesn’t happen this time, because that would suck. Seeing as how one plan is a job interview, and another is a dinner I’ve been looking forward too.

I’m going to go curl up into a ball in my seat and finish listening to the Adele CD, which so far is pretty amazing, and play some Sudoku.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

PS – in an interesting and telling turn of events I was cleaning up the desktop of my computer and I have a picture of you sleeping on the couch and Jake laying next to you that I stole off Dad’s phone. I moved it to my pictures folder, and then tried to delete the one from my desktop in an attempt to not have any icons on there, and I can’t. It keeps telling me it’s locked. 

Ready, Set.....maybe?

Hi –

It’s been a few days since my ultimate melt down. I’m feeling much better. Who knows where that came from? But it came, it went, and I have no doubt it will come again.  I hope next time it's not when I have plans though.

In unrelated news, I’m a little disappointed with the results from American Idol tonight. I’m not really invested in anyone too much, I definitely watch the show just for the singing, but the girl who got kicked off was really good. Her voice was huge.

In similarly related crappy reality TV show news, Kirstie Alley is really good on Dancing with the Stars. She’s very light on her feet. Must be from all the time she’s spent with John Travolta. I knew you were really interested on how I felt about those two things. I wanted to put you at ease about them.

That’s about it for me. I spent a lovely evening on the couch with Nick watching episode after episode of Soap. He’s equally in love with the show and it was really nice.

Saturday I leave for my week of traveling. It’s shaping up to be non-stop. I have to say definitely looking forward to it. Think happy things.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Sometimes it's a pair of old faded denim

I know it's gonna fit me like a friend

Or some radio song you can't help but sing along

Wishing they'd spin it over and over again

Could be the windows down on a Sunday drive

Smell of rain on a summer night

Anything that brings a little more comfort my way

But sometimes, there's those times

It's gotta be you”

Rolling in the deep…

Hi –

I’m sitting at my desk at work having a full blown anxiety attack, I’m awesome.

Not sure what to do about it except cry, but that seems incredibly counter-productive.

I can see where I want to be, and what I want to be doing, but I don’t know how to get there. I’m sitting here staring at the blank word document, and the blinking on the screen, and my tears are blurring my vision, and my nose is running. All I can think is why are you dead? Why are you gone? Why did this happen? Why don’t you come back? Why was I doing OK, and now I’m not.

Why am I so good at faking it when I don’t need to be? And then the moments when I need to pull it together I can’t?

I wish I was a singer, or a painter, or a real writer, something, anything. I wish I could take all this pain I have inside and get it out. Share it somehow. Do something productive or life changing with it. Instead of it just sitting inside of me, eating me alive.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“I almost had it all…”

There is a young cowboy he lives on the range...

Hi –

You would have really loved tonight’s ACM’s.

It was one awesome performance after another.

Sugarland was awesome. I really go love them. I sent Carly, Meridith, and Sara texts right after they performed about how I really want to see them in concert one day. I checked their concert dates of course as soon as they were done, and I’m not sure it will work out. As of right now they don’t have anything scheduled near me.

Ronnie Dunn performed solo for the first time in his career. That was pretty emotional. Everyone was crying, even Ronnie.

Zac Brown Band, another fav of yours, performed with James Taylor. I cried. I’m a bit of a sap. I just love his new song ‘Colder Weather,’ it gets me every time. Then they sang a couple bars of ‘Sweet Baby James.’

I had to fast forward through Martina McBride’s performance. Not because it was bad or anything, but her song Teenage Daughters hits too close I think. Every time I hear it all I can think of is that t-shirt you used to have that said, ‘I survived my daughters Bat-Mitzvah’.

Just wanted to share those thoughts. It’s been a long weekend, and it’s way past my bedtime.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Well, there is a young cowboy he lives on the range

His horse and his cattle are his only companions

He works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyons

Just waiting for Summer, his pastures to change

And as the moon rises he sits by his fire

Thinking about women and glasses of beer

And closing his eyes as the dogies retire

He sings out a song which is soft but it's clear

As if maybe someone could hear

Goodnight you moonlight ladies

Rockabye sweet baby James

Deep greens and blues are the colours I choose

Won't you let me go down in my dreams

And rockabye sweet baby James

Now the first of December was covered with snow

And so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston

Though the Berkshires seemed dream-like on account of that frosting

With ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go

There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway

A song that they sing when they take to the sea

A song that they sing of their home in the sky

Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep

But singing works just fine for me

So, Goodnight you moonlight ladies

Rockabye sweet baby James

Deep greens and blues are the colours I choose

Won't you let me go down in my dreams

And rockabye sweet baby James”