Rolling in the deep…

Hi –

I’m sitting at my desk at work having a full blown anxiety attack, I’m awesome.

Not sure what to do about it except cry, but that seems incredibly counter-productive.

I can see where I want to be, and what I want to be doing, but I don’t know how to get there. I’m sitting here staring at the blank word document, and the blinking on the screen, and my tears are blurring my vision, and my nose is running. All I can think is why are you dead? Why are you gone? Why did this happen? Why don’t you come back? Why was I doing OK, and now I’m not.

Why am I so good at faking it when I don’t need to be? And then the moments when I need to pull it together I can’t?

I wish I was a singer, or a painter, or a real writer, something, anything. I wish I could take all this pain I have inside and get it out. Share it somehow. Do something productive or life changing with it. Instead of it just sitting inside of me, eating me alive.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“I almost had it all…”