Almost had it all…

Hi –

I had my first of 3 goodbye dinners tonight with Honey, Matt, Scott, Becca, Ray, Nick, Bill, Dustin, Steph, Chris, Abby, and Tom. It was a blast. Laughs, loves, and even a game of telephone.

It’s weird though, it didn’t feel like goodbye at all. Sure I hugged everyone extra tight and closed by eyes, but at the end when I got into a cab it didn’t feel like goodbye. It could be because I’m going to see them all in August at Scott and Beccas wedding, or because deep down I know I’m going to see them all again down the road, but regardless it didn’t feel like the end of something.

I’m sitting on Ila’s patio right now looking at the new World Trade Center or the Freedom Tower, whatever its called, in the fog. The top is disappearing into the fog but its weird because I also know that the floors don’t go much higher than the fog, it’s this weird mirage of sorts. It’s pretty cool if I do say so myself.

Not much to say tonight. Just that it’s the beginning of the end here, and yet it feels nothing close to that. I want myself to feel some profound shift. A mental change. Someway to denote the next phase of my life, but I’ve got to say - I’ve got nothing. I’m super excited about the next phase, but it feels completely normal – like waking up tomorrow.  Not sure how I’ll feel when tomorrow doesn’t result in hanging out with Elissa and Ila and calling it work, but I guess I’ll figure that out when tomorrow actually comes.

I will say this though, and this just might be the cold hearted part of me that hides deep down inside, but as each person looked me in the eyes and hugged me they said, “I can’t believe you’re leaving.” All I could think, but never said was, “what did you expect of me, my mom died.”  And there is this part of me somewhere that says, “Well, what did you expect of me? My mom died.”

Love you forever, Miss you always,
Rachel

‘….I won’t let you close enough to hurt me….’