Hi –
So lets play catch up…
So I got a job – yay me. That really takes a huge load off my mind. I was definitely feeling some self-induced pressure about not having a job when I moved. You can also rest easy knowing that as well. Every once in awhile when I was really still I could hear you in my head telling me how, even though you were on my side, you couldn’t believe I was moving without a job. I did some second guessing at times, thinking about you and what you would have thought, but knew it was a crazy circle of what ifs because everything was different now.
But yeah – I’ll have health insurance, so go me.
I had this really amazing moment of clarity while I was in Orlando, on so many things. First I realized that I am 150% a Jew. There is no question about it. I attended bible study with everyone while I was in Orlando last week. More so by default than anything else. It’s every Monday night between all the Millers, Heads, Marrero’s, and some other people and it rotates houses every week, and it was at Carly’s while I was there so I went. And I’m glad I did.
It starts with an awesome meal every week that a different person prepares so that was cool. Then they have rotating teachers as well, where one person brings an idea to the group, interesting bible verses, etc. As soon as the person who was teaching opened their mouth, there was just a way to her voice. It was very preachy, so of course me being me, was sitting there mumbling under my breath about it to Lily. She’s talking about offering encouragement to other people, and how you can never give too much. All the while, I’m sitting there thinking, of course you can. You can most certainly give too much encouragement. Sometimes kids are just not supposed to do things, period end of discussion. But because of some miss-guided encouragement they now they can. I think its ultimately more telling about a person when they can recognize that they in fact cannot do something. Anyway – I’m getting off topic. The moral was that, I in no way agreed, and could only see the pessimism and cynicism in what she was saying.
Anyway – so her thought for the group that night was to go around the group of people (10 of us, including me) and have every other person offer than words of encouragement. At first I had my doubts I have to admit that. But it really turned into this amazing thing. At the most basic of levels I was really able to take a look at these people I was surrounded by and realize that yes, I really like them, and I’m so excited to be coming down here with them; Danny and Meagan and their baby; Loi and Marshall to see the life they will have together; Lily to see the woman she is beautifully becoming.
I was also able to realize that there is this whole world of people out there who come together because they like each other, they think they have interesting and thoughtful words to say, and it has absolutely nothing to do with alcohol. They had come together in essence to worship Jesus and God, not the carafe of juiced down boxed wine presented to them by the tiny Asian.
Then on this completely other level I tapped into the sadness that is so deep inside of me and I cried. I cried quite painful tears that streaked down my face one after another. I went through tissue, after tissue, after toilet paper square, and finally to scratchy fast food take out napkin. I tapped into this tucked away space of my gut that sometimes grabs hold of me, and wonders did you really know how much I loved you, and how much you were the center of my life.
And then, still, there was another way I was moved by that night. I was able to look at Carly, Richard, and Meridith and say thank you. Because without realizing it, and I would imagine incredibly unconsciously they are some of the people who have stepped up the most in the last 7 months. Along with a few other people I would not have survived, period end of story. I just wouldn’t have. And how do you say thank you for that? I could give them all my first born – they could all take turns passing him/her around as my eternal thank you. Somehow I don’t think that would work. I can say it and I can write it here, but I think there was something about being there, with runny noses and puffy eyes that made the infinitely more perfect.
Then somehow the woman, Sarah, who was leading the group that night came up with the perfect Old Testament passage to sum us up. It’s taken from Ecclesiastes:
9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. 11 Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? 12 And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
So, that’s just some stuff going on.
Love you forever, Miss you always
Rachel
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