'A woman happily in love burns the souffle, a woman unhappily in love forgets to turn on the oven'

Hi –

I have this perfect memory of being on vacation and staying at an Embassy Suites with you, dad, and Sarah Hooker. It was one of those vacations where Matt didn’t come, so I got to take a friend instead. I’m not 100% sure where we were but I want to say it was when we did Sea World and Busch Gardens and ‘Baby shark, shark, shark’ came to be. Anyway, so I have this memory of all of us piled into the living room where we were staying in aka where Sarah and I were sleeping on a pull out couch, and you made us watch the remake of ‘Sabrina.’

I remember at the time being thoroughly confused why you were so pumped about the movie, and today I learned why. While the movie we watched was enjoyable enough, tonight I went and saw the original ‘Sabrina’ on the big screen, which was great. Side note, I love when people say “on the big screen”. Mainly because it’s only when referring to seeing old movies, because why would someone say I went and saw ‘Cowboys and Aliens’ on the big screen. Of course you did silly, how else would you have seen this brand new movie only out for a week. Perhaps I will start saying it to see people’s reactions. Anyway, back to the original story. After work I picked Carly up and we met up with Meridith in Winter Gardens, which is this cute little cobblestone street 2-block downtown area that has a really old theater that plays really old movies, hence the ‘Sabrina’ watching.

It was a lot of fun and I’m glad I went. It was this cute little old theater that has original movie theater seats that at first seem comfortable, but 20 minutes into it you realize it was all a lie and your butt is now numb. Where also the idea of - if you slope the floor people will be able to see from all seats still existed, and where I still can’t see if someone is in front of me. The theater didn’t get all the way pitch black, and there were little lights all over the ceiling that never went out. It was pretty magical if I do say so myself. Reminded me of the movie theater in NYC that Seema and I frequented.

The movie was pretty great though. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Especially when a thunderstorm started and the building was struck by lightening and the power went out. That was super awesome.

The other highlight of the evening came in the form of me making sure that Meridith drove Carly home so that I could spend the 30 minute drive listening to my book on tape. Yep you read that right. I made Meridith drive Carly home so that I could listen to ‘The Help’. I am in fact your daughter. I have not gotten to the point yet where I’m parked outside the house and listening. I’ll let you know when I get there. I’m sure it will be fairly soon. This is a pretty great book to date, and the readers are really good. On the other hand David Sedaris, not a good reader. I was previously listening to ‘Me Talk Pretty One Day’ and I had to stop. He is so monotone when he reads he was making me sleepy.

Speaking of being sleepy, I am. Off to bed I go now.

7 days till the year. That’s something I suppose.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

"...So I drive

And I think about my life

And wonder why that I slowly die inside..."

There is a young cowboy he lives on the range...

Hi –

You would have really loved tonight’s ACM’s.

It was one awesome performance after another.

Sugarland was awesome. I really go love them. I sent Carly, Meridith, and Sara texts right after they performed about how I really want to see them in concert one day. I checked their concert dates of course as soon as they were done, and I’m not sure it will work out. As of right now they don’t have anything scheduled near me.

Ronnie Dunn performed solo for the first time in his career. That was pretty emotional. Everyone was crying, even Ronnie.

Zac Brown Band, another fav of yours, performed with James Taylor. I cried. I’m a bit of a sap. I just love his new song ‘Colder Weather,’ it gets me every time. Then they sang a couple bars of ‘Sweet Baby James.’

I had to fast forward through Martina McBride’s performance. Not because it was bad or anything, but her song Teenage Daughters hits too close I think. Every time I hear it all I can think of is that t-shirt you used to have that said, ‘I survived my daughters Bat-Mitzvah’.

Just wanted to share those thoughts. It’s been a long weekend, and it’s way past my bedtime.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Well, there is a young cowboy he lives on the range

His horse and his cattle are his only companions

He works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyons

Just waiting for Summer, his pastures to change

And as the moon rises he sits by his fire

Thinking about women and glasses of beer

And closing his eyes as the dogies retire

He sings out a song which is soft but it's clear

As if maybe someone could hear

Goodnight you moonlight ladies

Rockabye sweet baby James

Deep greens and blues are the colours I choose

Won't you let me go down in my dreams

And rockabye sweet baby James

Now the first of December was covered with snow

And so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston

Though the Berkshires seemed dream-like on account of that frosting

With ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go

There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway

A song that they sing when they take to the sea

A song that they sing of their home in the sky

Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep

But singing works just fine for me

So, Goodnight you moonlight ladies

Rockabye sweet baby James

Deep greens and blues are the colours I choose

Won't you let me go down in my dreams

And rockabye sweet baby James”

What exactly is a Gatoroid? And why must it fight a Mega Python?

Hi –

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. I spent the majority of the weekend with a blood alcohol level well above the legal limit. I do have to say though I had an awesome time. Hung out with some good people, ate some delicious food, tried some new things, all in all I would call it a very successful weekend. I missed you though.

While being intoxicated I realized I still talk about you just as much as I did when you were here. I think it only makes sense though, seeing as how I talked about you quite a bit before you died. Why would that necessarily change? I yam the way I yam because of you.

It doesn’t bother me of course, I think it keeps you with me. Not sure about other people though. People who know me, but aren’t that close to me, I  think get a little uneasy. I think they think I might freak out on them. When in reality keeping your memory close, and making sure you're still present in my life makes me feel better.

I hung out with Lizzie on Saturday in the city and when people ask how we know each other, she would tell them our moms were best friends for the past 30 plus years. I’m always curious what they then immediately think. These people are obviously close to Lizzie, so I’m sure they don’t think something happened to Rab. So do they think they had a falling out, but Lizzie and I remained friends. Or do people immediately go to death. It’s hard to tell, there’s really no follow up question that ever comes. I would love for there to be. I think it would be an interesting look at humans, and society, and the way we deal with things. I have no idea how you would conduct the research, but I’m just thinking it would be interesting.

Carly put this beautiful letter on Facebook for Nona yesterday. I think it helped her make sense and process. Lord knows that’s what I’ve been doing here. There was something so honestly beautiful in her words. Very poetic. I can’t help but think that maybe some of that was what Dad went through with you, but in a more painful heart wrenching way. Where there was no peace at the end, no thank yous falling from his lips.

I’m also not sure where I’m falling on the whole religion, god, and afterlife spectrum. I’m all over the place with that. But at the end of her letter, Carly put what I can only assume is a passage from the bible and I like it. I like the calm that came over me after I read it. The little bit of peace that came into my heart.

So without further ado – Carly’s words:

“You died on a Wednesday afternoon on a beautiful day in January. You made it just past Christmas. Plane tickets were relatively cheap, schedules were relatively free. You couldn't have picked a better time. You looked so tiny there in your bed, as if you were disappearing before our eyes. And you were. Your eyes were mostly closed. Your breaths were harder to take, further and further apart. Like labor contractions in reverse. It's been 5 seconds, 8, 15, 30... We stood there, around your bed watching you. Mommy knelt on the floor. We saw you out (but where did you go?). I said thank you, for everything. You were our Nona and you've played with us and been proud of us and worried about us all of our lives. We told you we loved you. We said your favorite prayer (Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace). Mom sang a terrible first verse of amazing grace. I hummed "fly away" in my head. It was minutes, seconds. And then you were just gone. Dead. And how could that be? How could everything we knew of you be lying right there, the hands we held, the head we kissed, the arms that held us close as babies. Your cheeks, your hair... And you be completely gone?

And so we let them take you away, in a white van, with people we didn't know. Because it wasn't you anymore, that's what we kept saying. And I can't get my mind around it. Being dead is nothing I can understand. I hope you're somewhere happy and conscious of your happiness. Or maybe here with us.  The priest said that this too was a holy time.

God, help us to feel you in a very real way during this holy mourning time. Help us to be kind to each other. Help us to mourn as you have helped every survivor in the history of your creation. And help us to  rejoice that the ones who left are there with you. And help me to not be angry and anxious and lost. And take our Nona, your Nona, into your arms to hold with you in joy for always.”

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“He said I wanna see you again

But I'm stuck in colder weather

Maybe tomorrow will be better

Can I call you then”

A bit more poetic then ‘Chicken Fried’

Hi –

I just heard this Zac Brown Band song - Colder Weather - that had this one line that pierced my soul.

And I know you love them so I wanted to share it.

"And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again"

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel