Hi –
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. I spent the majority of the weekend with a blood alcohol level well above the legal limit. I do have to say though I had an awesome time. Hung out with some good people, ate some delicious food, tried some new things, all in all I would call it a very successful weekend. I missed you though.
While being intoxicated I realized I still talk about you just as much as I did when you were here. I think it only makes sense though, seeing as how I talked about you quite a bit before you died. Why would that necessarily change? I yam the way I yam because of you.
It doesn’t bother me of course, I think it keeps you with me. Not sure about other people though. People who know me, but aren’t that close to me, I think get a little uneasy. I think they think I might freak out on them. When in reality keeping your memory close, and making sure you're still present in my life makes me feel better.
I hung out with Lizzie on Saturday in the city and when people ask how we know each other, she would tell them our moms were best friends for the past 30 plus years. I’m always curious what they then immediately think. These people are obviously close to Lizzie, so I’m sure they don’t think something happened to Rab. So do they think they had a falling out, but Lizzie and I remained friends. Or do people immediately go to death. It’s hard to tell, there’s really no follow up question that ever comes. I would love for there to be. I think it would be an interesting look at humans, and society, and the way we deal with things. I have no idea how you would conduct the research, but I’m just thinking it would be interesting.
Carly put this beautiful letter on Facebook for Nona yesterday. I think it helped her make sense and process. Lord knows that’s what I’ve been doing here. There was something so honestly beautiful in her words. Very poetic. I can’t help but think that maybe some of that was what Dad went through with you, but in a more painful heart wrenching way. Where there was no peace at the end, no thank yous falling from his lips.
I’m also not sure where I’m falling on the whole religion, god, and afterlife spectrum. I’m all over the place with that. But at the end of her letter, Carly put what I can only assume is a passage from the bible and I like it. I like the calm that came over me after I read it. The little bit of peace that came into my heart.
So without further ado – Carly’s words:
“You died on a Wednesday afternoon on a beautiful day in January. You made it just past Christmas. Plane tickets were relatively cheap, schedules were relatively free. You couldn't have picked a better time. You looked so tiny there in your bed, as if you were disappearing before our eyes. And you were. Your eyes were mostly closed. Your breaths were harder to take, further and further apart. Like labor contractions in reverse. It's been 5 seconds, 8, 15, 30... We stood there, around your bed watching you. Mommy knelt on the floor. We saw you out (but where did you go?). I said thank you, for everything. You were our Nona and you've played with us and been proud of us and worried about us all of our lives. We told you we loved you. We said your favorite prayer (Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace). Mom sang a terrible first verse of amazing grace. I hummed "fly away" in my head. It was minutes, seconds. And then you were just gone. Dead. And how could that be? How could everything we knew of you be lying right there, the hands we held, the head we kissed, the arms that held us close as babies. Your cheeks, your hair... And you be completely gone?
And so we let them take you away, in a white van, with people we didn't know. Because it wasn't you anymore, that's what we kept saying. And I can't get my mind around it. Being dead is nothing I can understand. I hope you're somewhere happy and conscious of your happiness. Or maybe here with us. The priest said that this too was a holy time.
God, help us to feel you in a very real way during this holy mourning time. Help us to be kind to each other. Help us to mourn as you have helped every survivor in the history of your creation. And help us to rejoice that the ones who left are there with you. And help me to not be angry and anxious and lost. And take our Nona, your Nona, into your arms to hold with you in joy for always.”
Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel
“He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then”
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