Those crazy Barenaked Ladies are Canadian. Who knew.

Hi –

I used to want to submit you for those ‘I have the best Mom’ contests, because I always thought I had the best mom.  I still do. I mean I thought you were awesome, as did most people. You could have won I’m sure.  The thing that always kept me from doing it was I thought you wouldn’t want it. That you would think it was silly.

I always found it really interesting how on shows like Oprah, The Today Show, The View, Dateline, etc any of those talk shows / news magazine shows, they always highlighted mothers who went and did something life changing. The mother who saved her children from a burning building or the mother who gave her child a kidney. They never talk about the mom who doesn’t do anything remarkable in terms of one single event, but does something every day. The mom who gets up every morning, gets her family up, goes to work all day long, comes home and makes dinner, helps with homework, and then does it all again the next day. The mom who raised really great kids who became upstanding members of society. The mom who created the home that all the friends wanted to hang out at, because it was comfortable and safe. The mom who always made a special dish for her daughter’s best friend who was on some random eating kick. How come the shows never highlighted her? Because she existed; she wasn’t some unreachable entity; she was you.

In most of the things I read about death, the majority of the surviving family members sadness comes from having left things unsaid. I can honestly say I’m 100% positive that’s not the case with me. I’m positive you knew I thought you were amazing, and that if I was half the mom you were I would have been fine with that.  So I don’t feel like I left things unsaid.

I’m also pretty sure I’m not falling into the trap where the surviving people glorify the person who has passed away. Where you start to forget all the things that used to annoy you about the person or that you always hated. I don’t think I’m doing that either. I’m just doing.

I’ll have to run this by Dr. Lee tomorrow. I forgot to cancel my appointment with 24 hours notice so it looks like I’m going back.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

It's been a week

Dear Mom,

Its been a week, and sometimes I think its a lie. If I close my eyes and listen I can hear you puttering around the kitchen. I sat in the backseat of your car today with Dad in the passenger seat and Matt driving, but I swear for a minute if someone had asked me I would have said it was you driving. It felt just like every other time we drove home from anywhere.

It's been 11 days since I spoke to you last and that might be the longest ever. So much has happened in the last 11 days that I want to tell you. You were the person that when something happened I wanted to call. So here is where I will tell you those things.

For starters Grandma and Uncle Phillip are talking and laughing and hugging each other. Its weird. But it's what you've always wanted so at least there is that.

Trisha was on the 4th hour of the Today show today. She looked good, but her hair was doing this weird thing.

Everything else at the moment revolves around what happened. I'm still not quite sure I understand exactly. One minute you were there and then literally you were gone. My entire life is different now. Everything about it. I can't tell you how many times in the last week people have told me how much I am like you. Which I always knew, I mean you did raise me. But i guess they mean the strength I've showed in the last days. I'm not strong though, not in the least. I'm just living in denial and I'm sure one day it will come smacking me in the face.  Hard probably.

When people ask me how I am i tell them that - I've made myself a nice house on the island of denial. Rab and Randi are with me. We have a pool and a cabana boy. Sara is visiting, but she has school soon so she'll be leaving.  And there I will stay for a while i guess.

Love you forever,
Rachel*