As I sit here...

Hi Mom -

As I sit here on the couch I can't help but wonder if I am too much exactly like you. I've always said that I wanted to grow up and be like you, and I think I might have done exactly that. I had this moment today as I was sitting at the dinner table, in your seat, eating dinner with Dad and Meridith that I was being you. I felt myself almost compelled to ask Dad how his day was.

The only reason I say this is because I wonder if I make things harder for Daddy. If I remind him so much of you that I might be hindering his healing process. I know he would say the exact opposite, that because I remind him so much of you its like a part of you is still here...but I just can't help but wonder.

I think today was a particularly bad day all around. It was the first day that there was nothing to do except your regular daily activites. There was no big task to focus on, no big project to complete, it was the first regular ho-hum day. It was the first time that you had to try at the whole being normal thing. And yet it felt like the most un-normal day yet. It felt staged, and rehearsed. I guess thats how it goes. I can hear the phrase 'fake it till you make it' repeating in my head.

I still don't understand, and i'm still bordering on the whole believing thing. I honestly just cant wrap my brain around it. I can't for the life of me grasp the fact that you're no longer around.

Now with that overly depressing thought i'm going to go and sit on the couch and watch something mindless with Meridith.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel