Meditate on that why don't you...

Hi  Mom -

I went to this thing called Reiki with Randi, Adam, and Meridith today. It's a meditation type thing. Basically you sit in a circle with a bunch of people and mediate for an hour. You use shared energy to mediate, and then there are these people who walk around and help to cleanse your energy/aura/whatever by touching your head and making swirling like motions around you. It was cool - something different to do. Adam and Randi both really like it and that was what prompted me to do it - well that, and its not like I'm doing anything else with my time at the moment.

If nothing else, it was good to just sit and let my mind wander for an hour. Or really 45 minutes, because that was about as long as I could sit before I started looking at the clock and obsessing about how long I had been sitting there.

My mind kept wandering to the idea of the typical wedding photo that every bride everywhere has. Its the one where the bride and groom are in the middle. The grooms mom and dad are next to the groom, and then the brides mom and dad are next to the bride. I kept picturing this is my head and how I'll only have daddy standing next to me. I wasn't filled with anger or sadness or anything beyond it just being a fact of my life now. All I could think was add it to the list. I wonder if that means I'm moving towards acceptance or what. Can't really say.

I think the moment I heard you had died I started a mental list of all the things that were going to be different now - how in a split second every single thing about my life changed. So now I have this running list of things you are not going to be around for. Maybe to be more productive and less of a debbie downer I should start a separate list of the things we got to share to together. I'm not sure I'm ready for that, but I think in like 6 months it might be a good thing to do. Perhaps in this new life of mine I will be less of a pessimist and more of a glass is half full kind of person.

Who knows what this new life will bring. One thing is yoga apparently. I've signed up to go to the Yoga class Lindsay teaches on Thursday. This falls under the what else am I doing with my time category. Maybe the new me will like yoga. We shall see I suppose.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel