I know this to be true...

Hola –

Seems like it’s been way longer than just a week since I last wrote. It was Kahni’s birthday, I had dinner with Jodie, and I went to Savannah. It’s been quite a week.

Savannah was a lot of fun. I was really skeptical about going back there in general, but a beerfest seemed like as good a reason as any – it would have been good enough for you.

When we first got there Friday night we drove right by the mansion and I got choked up. I wasn’t expecting it, and I wasn’t paying any attention. One minute I was telling Meridith it was time to turn, and the next we were driving right in front of it. It caught me off guard, and cry I did. Luckily though with in a matter of seconds we pulled up to Pipers studio and on I went – and apparently so has the city. Piper said that the vegetable/fruit stand we went to and had those amazing tomato sandwiches is closed, and that the BBQ place has changed owners.

I put a lot into perspective this weekend too I think. I had a lot of time to think; 4 hours each way will do that to a person. Combine that with the hour I drive every day, and all I ever do is think. My mind is a constant stream of memories, what ifs, conversations, wishes, hopes, dreams, everything.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m to strong for my own good. If the wall I put up the day after is too high and too thick to ever come down. Or if I’m really ok, and there is no wall. If I really did grieve in a way that was exactly what I needed. And the lack of tears is just playing with my mind.

In a conversation I was having the other day I had a revelation of sorts. It’s not that I’m not facing the grief, or sadness, or absolute despair I feel. What it is though is that I’ve acknowledged it is not something that is going to change. You are not coming back – this is the one fundamental truth of my life from here on out. I’ve chosen to pick this up and carry it with me. It’s always going to be there. There’s no getting rid of it. So, instead of losing myself in it I’ve chosen to carry it with me and move along side of it. Whether I’ve truly accepted it or not is a completely different story, I’ve acknowledged its existence but I don’t necessarily believe it to be true. Does that even make sense?

Well if not, lets chalk it up to a long day and ill try again to explain another day. Or chalk it up to me being me.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…Well I've been thinking about
All these pills I'm taking

I wash ‘em down with an ice-cold beer
And the love I ain't been making

Oh I feel like I'm burning up
With words I ain't been saying

And all these pills I'm taking…”