We are always what our situations hand us....

Hi –

Yesterday I had this thought that what if you died so that I would be forced to reach my full potential. It’s the same thought process about would I turn back the clock so none of this ever happened. You can’t. There would be no Kalel. I wouldn’t have been pushed to move to Orlando. I wouldn’t be where I am now; doing the things I’m doing now. Not to say that some of these things would have never happened, but they would be different. It’s the same train of thought of what would you do if you were here – well I’m pretty sure the situations I’m asking that question to I wouldn’t find myself in if you were here.

But what if you did? What if that was the point? What if that is the outcome? Are you happy with it? Am I reaching my potential?

It definitely doesn’t feel like it. Some days I might buy it. I love my job, my friends, and I think I’m on top of my game. Then other days I feel like I’m nowhere. I have no idea what I’m doing. I look at my life and I have no idea how I got to where I’m at or where I might be going. All I know is this isn’t what I pictured my life to look like.

Perhaps I’m just schizophrenic.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“They say that these are not the best of times

But they're the only times I've ever known

And I believe there is a time for meditation

In cathedrals of our own

Now I have seen that sad surrender in my lovers' eyes

I can only stand apart and sympathize

For we are always what our situations hand us

It's either sadness or euphoria

And so we'll argue and we'll compromise

And realize that nothing's ever changed

For all our mutual experience

Our separate conclusions are the same

Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity

A reason coexists with our insanity

Though, we choose between reality and madness

It's either sadness or euphoria

How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies

Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies

And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives

With our respective similarities

It's either sadness or euphoria”

That'll be the day

Hi –

Every night before I fall asleep I think about how tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will play a more active roll in my life.  I will eat better, work out for a change, and finally do some of the items on my personal to do list. What ends up happening – none of those things. How do I make that change?

I want to be one of those people who likes to work out. Who looks forward to it. Who gets off on the endorphins, and the sweat, and all those things. But I don’t. There was a time, a few weeks of it, where I was going to Pilates pretty regularly and enjoying that. I somehow can’t get back into that. One-day maybe.

I’m waiting for the day when I feel like a true active participant in my life, and not someone who occasionally steps in. Those will be the days.

Love you forever, Miss you always.
Rachel

“…A string of pearls, a foreign car

Oh, we can only go so far on caviar and Cabernet.

We drown our doubts in dry champagne,

And soothe our souls with fine cocaine….”

One is silver, and the other is gold.

Hola Mamasita,

I talk to you a lot in the car; well talk is a strong word. I think in my head as if I’m talking to you. Do you hear me? I think that’s why I’m not writing as much, because I’m spending all this time in the car now thinking my thoughts through. Where as when I was living in NYC I didn’t really have these huge chunks of time to myself.

I’ve been listening to ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’ in the car. It’s a true story written by Joan Didion, about how her husband died almost instantly from a massive heart attack and the year that follows. I definitely relate to a lot of the things she says. There are some things that I have already realized about myself and when she says them I know for sure they are true. And then there are other things that I don’t even recognize about myself until I hear her describe it. 

At one point she talks about how the anger stage is actually broken into 3 sections, with the difference being who the anger is directed at. She says that at first people are angry with themselves, which I was. I was so angry that I was left. That I was surviving, and that this didn’t destroy me. That I some how handled it. Then she says you stop being angry with yourself and start being angry with the person who died. I’m not sure I was ever really angry with you per say. You didn’t chose this, and I believe with all my heart that you would have done anything you could do to have prevented it if you knew what was going to happen. Then finally you direct your anger to other survivors. Gotta say – that’s about where I’m at. There are times I have so much anger inside of me that is unresolved, and misplaced, and unhealthy, and everything else that anger is that I could probably start screaming and never stop. But that’s not hard to believe, I always did flare up rather easily.

On the other side of the token though everything else in my life right now is going really well. So that’s something. Professionally speaking this was the best move I could have made. I hope you can see that. I hope you can see that I’m doing really well. That I’m working harder than I ever have, and I hope you’re proud of me. That comes from you, you know.

Personally I’m getting there. I think the moments when I find myself losing it are important moments to go through. I think I’m surrounding myself with the right people, and I hope you can see that too. You always said it was better to have a few really close friends, than a lot of not so close friends.

And on that note, I’m off to bed. I had a lovely evening out with some friends for a birthday and now I’m pretty excited about not having to wake up in the AM until I’m good a ready.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Well so here I am at the end of the road

Where do I go from here?

I always figured it would be like this

Still nothing seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken and the prophecy fulfilled

But I just can't decide where to go

Yes, it's been quite a day and I should go to sleep

But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how to start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard

Well it's been quite a while since I lifted my head

And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes

I see the way that I’ve been spendin' my days

And reality has caught me by surprise

I was dreamin' of tomorrow so I sacrificed today

And it sure was a grand waste of time

And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face

I just can't get you out of my mind

That I've got to begin again

Though I don't know how start

Yes, I've got to begin again

And it's hard”

Gloria Steinem is rolling her eyes...

Hi –

In complete and utter amazingness Meridith and I have wasted the entirety of today. The fact that I didn’t wake up until 12:30 played a huge part in that. We spent some time watching ‘Date Night’. We spent some time making and eating delicious blueberry pancakes, which Tory joined us for. We watched ‘Nine’. I love when Marion Cotillard sings ‘My Husband Makes Movies’. We watched ‘I love you, Phillip Morris,’ which was interesting and a true story. The true story part makes it that much more interesting, otherwise it would just have been ridiculous. Now we are watching ‘The Town’, like I said we have outstandingly wasted this day. And more importantly I feel awesome about it.

Yesterday the crew of us went old school style dancing. It was for Meagan’s birthday, and it was actually a lot of fun. It was at this place called ‘Whirl and Twirl,’ where if you go an hour before the dance starts they teach you the dance for the evening. So we went, and we learned ‘The Charleston’. It was fun to sit back and watch the more experienced dancers dance. I would love to be able to do what they were doing. There was some talk about taking real classes; I hope that ends up happening.

I have to say though that for all my self proclaimed feminist ways, and for all my talk about how I don’t need a man to fix things for me, I still wanted to be asked to dance. There were women who were asking men, and everyone kept saying just go ask them, but I couldn’t. I just wanted to be asked. There’s something flattering about being asked to dance. It makes you feel pretty and interesting for that 3-minute song.

There were also these moments that I got to witness between Danny and Meagan, Loi and Marshall, and Carly and Richard; where they were off dancing in their own little married worlds. Talking and laughing, looking into each other’s eyes. It was really sweet to witness. You can see why they found each other. For those minutes in time they were alone, being themselves. Finding the same things funny, moving together as one. I was glad I got to see it.

OK ‘The Town’ is heating up now. I’m going to give Ben Affleck my full attention. It’s only right seeing as how he directed and acted in it. He worked hard for my enjoyment; it’s the least I can give him.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

“Some people stay far away from the door

If there's a chance of it opening up

They hear a voice in the hall outside

And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch

And the anger of having been a fool

They will not listen to anyone

So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself

I know you're thinking of somebody else

Someone who hurt you

But I'm not above

Making up for the love

You've been denying you could ever feel

I'm not above doing anything

To restore your faith if I can

Some people see through the eyes of the old

Before they ever get a look at the young

I'm only willing to hear you cry

Because I am an innocent man

I am an innocent man

Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe

Another promise they hear in the dark

Because they only remember too well

They heard somebody tell them before

Some people sleep all alone every night

Instead of taking a lover to bed

Some people find that it's easier to hate

Than to wait anymore

I know you don't want to hear what I say

I know you're gonna keep turning away

But I've been there and if I can survive

I can keep you alive

I'm not above going through it again

I'm not above being cool for a while

If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight

Some people figure they can never win

And although this is a fight I can lose

The accused is an innocent man

I am an innocent man

Oh yes I am

An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite

I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight

That's your decision

But I'm not below

Anybody I know

If there's a chance of resurrecting a love

I'm not above going back to the start

To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure

Some people just accept the world as it is

But I'm not willing to lay down and die

Because I am an innocent man"

Post mortem anyone? – Part 2

Hi –

Picking up where I left off has me sleeping until 11 on Sunday and getting up in enough time to have a sideline seat as the luggage, wedding paraphernalia, and number of travelers were organized into 4 cars. It was entertaining enough I have to say. There were way more people than there should have been for the 4 cars. In the end it all worked out just fine, and we even stopped for some tasty burgers and one of the best chocolate shakes I have tasted. Some place called Gotts Roadside. It was like Shake Shack in NYC but the burgers were about twice as big, and the milkshake here wins hands down.

Sunday afternoon was spent watching Randi and Rab circle each other in the hotel room as they ‘relaxed’ and collected themselves. Rab managed to lay down for a bit and actually relax. Randi on the other hand – I have to imagine that what she was doing she considers relaxing and go with that. Either way it was interesting to witness.

Sunday evening was probably the best time I had by far I think. Randi, Rab, Dad, and myself drove out to Brian and Allison’s house in Oakland and met Jodie, Paula, Matt, Lauren, and Kalel there. We all just sat around in the living room hanging out. We ate some magical food, and then proceeded to laugh for a good 4 hours give or take. It was this perfect moment in time. Kalel was in a great mood and putting on quite the show – giggling and smiling. At one point the two of us screamed in unison for a good 5 minutes. That’s his new thing – screaming. So we just screamed together. It was amazing.

There were times that I looked around the room and wished with my whole heart that you were there. It wasn’t during the wedding that I had those feelings; it was in that moment. When all the excitement was over, the stress of the weekend was gone, and we were just hanging out.  I watched Rab and Randi interact together and with Kalel and thought to myself, and out loud really, this must have been what the early years of Matt and my childhood were like.  At one point I looked over and Dad was laughing away, in a way I hadn’t seen in a while. Same with Matt. These loud, whole body shaking, laughs. It was magical.

It was the perfect way to end the weekend. 

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“…This is the time to remember

Cause it will not last forever.

These are the days to hold onto

Cause we won't although we'll want to.

This is the time, but time is gonna change.

I know we’ve got to move somehow,

But I don't want to lose you now.

Sometimes it's so easy to let a day slip on by

Without even seeing each other at all

But this is the time you'll turn back to and so will I

And those will be the days you can never recall…”

Another productive day at home

Hi –

So lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time sitting on the couch watching TV, getting stoned, and repeating over and over in my head; ‘you’re really gone, how is it you’re really gone?’ Not really sure what that says about me, but I’m sure it’s something.

I’m not crying, or upset. I’m literally just sitting there, happily going on with my life watching TV, probably having a good time with whoever is with me, but also thinking ‘what do I do now? How do I grow up, become an adult, have a family? Who will show me how to be in love and have a husband? Who is going to be my sounding board for making big decisions?

So yeah, maybe I’m not so close to acceptance.

In other news, I’m watching ‘Justified’ Season 1, and I’m wondering if it’s historically accurate that Hitler was a painter?

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Slow down you crazy child

You're so ambitious for a juvenile

But then if you're so smart tell me why

Are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?

You better cool it off before you burn it out

You got so much to do and only

So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told

That you can get what you want

Or you can just get old

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine

You can't be everything you want to be

Before your time

Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)

Too bad but it's the life you lead

You're so ahead of yourself

That you forgot what you need

Though you can see when you're wrong

You know you can't always see when you're right (you're right)

You got your passion you got your pride

But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?

Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true

When will you realize

Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child

Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while

It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two

When will you realize...

Vienna waits for you.

And you know that when the truth is told

That you can get what you want

Or you can just get old

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

Why don't you realize...Vienna waits for you

When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Sadness or Euphoria

Hi –

I had quite the fantastic day, if I do say so myself.

It started with some lovely conversation via text, and then things just kept falling into place all day.  Thanks for that. Since once again I'm choosing to believe that you are part of the reason things are coming together.

I sort of feel like I'm standing on the edge of something. I’m making a lot of big changes in my life in the next few months and they are starting now. Things feel different, like a tide is turning perhaps.

It could be because we are slowly approaching the 6-month mark, and with that comes some belief that I should be ‘better’ by now. Not a belief I technically have, but I think its one of those random landmarks that one doctor came up with somewhere, and every one bought in to. After 6 months you can start making decisions, and changing things, and you should feel better and less depressed – yada yada yada.

There might be something to it though I suppose. I mean these people do get paid a hell of a lot more to do their jobs than I get to do mine. I can say that I think the ground I'm standing on feels a little stronger lately. And that I’m beginning to trust in myself again. As always – who knows though? Is it because 6 months is magical? Or is it because I'm working through my death and dying stages and slowly progressing towards the allusive ‘acceptance?’

I have a feeling I won’t know until it’s too late.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark and deep

Inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullaby

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullaby’s go on and on...

They never die

That's how you

And I

Will be”

Just a normal NYC weekend

Hi –

Did you know that I have quite a lot in common with Simba from The Lion King. Once you get past the whole rightful air to the Pride Land, and King of the Jungle thing he’s really just a normal Lion. Dealing with the all too sudden and far to soon death of his father.

There was this super cheesy moment during the show when Simba is looking up into the sky’s, trying to see his dad in the stars, and he sings the following…

“Wait

There's no mountain too great

Hear these words and have faith

Have faith

They live in you

They live in me

They're watching over

Everything we see

In every creature

In every star

In your reflection

They live in you”

I was moved.

Lion King really is amazing though. I’ve wanted to see it since I moved here, and it definitely lived up to the hype. Watching all the people maneuver the puppets was amazing. They had this huge elephant that walked down the aisle. I think it took 4 people to make it happen, it was awesome. It’s also the first show I’ve seen that was meant for Kids, and to see their faces light up was very exciting.

I had a really good time with Dad this weekend. I think we are finally getting back to our rhyme. I think we would both admit that it has been a bit off since everything. It’s nice to have it back.

We went out to Rabs on Saturday night. Like always I hung out at Lulu’s with Lizzie for  a while. I really do love it there. It’s very warm and inviting. Plus there’s something to be said for being surrounded by nice clothes all the time. Boosts a person’s self-esteem.

I went out with Lizzie and while we were hanging out with her friends she whips out the ‘Proust Questionnaire’ that they have all filled out 5 years earlier. They were all cracking up reading their answers. Lizzie had written down that one of her favorite names was Stella. Pretty cool if you ask me.  After a couple drinks I filled it out myself. Of course that one is in Lizzies book. I googled the questionnaire and here you go…

- Your favorite virtue - humility

- Your favorite qualities in a man – sense of humor, intelligence, great back

- Your favorite qualities in a woman. – sense of humor, intelligence

- Your chief characteristic - considerate

- Your favorite occupation - Singer

- Your idea of happiness – being surrounded by friends and family always laughing

- Your idea of misery – Never finding love

- If not yourself, who would you be – someone doing something extraordinary

- Where would you like to live - in a giant house with a big yard for my kids and dogs to play in

- Your favorite color and flower – color of red wine, Lilies

- Your favorite prose authors. – Shel Silverstein

- Your favorite poets – Shel Silverstein

- Your favorite heroes in fiction – the Tree from The Giving Tree

- Your favorite heroines in fiction – The nanny from Adventures of Babar

- Your favorite painters and composers – Billy Joel

- Your favorite heroes in real life – my dad

- Your favorite heroines in real life  - my mom

- What characters in history do you most dislike – those who persecuted others for being different

- What is your present state of mind - sadness

- Your favorite food and drink – anything-involving cheese and alcohol

- Your favorite names – Ryan for a girl, Hannah, Jacob

- What I hate the most – being inconsiderate

- Your favorite motto – Don’t sweat the small things

We also played this other ‘intellectual’ drinking game called ‘The Cube.’ Where you are told to close your eyes, and then are asked questions and you are building a picture in your mind. What you build says something about you. What I saw was – a clear cube that is on the desert ground, there is a ladder laying next to it on the ground made out of wood. A white normal sized horse is peacefully walking across my picture in the middle ground, not hitting the box. Far away you can see a rainstorm brewing.

I have no idea what it says to me. I never got to hear my ‘fortune’. I’ll have to Google it at some point.

I’m going to crawl into bed now though, and watch the special post Superbowl episode of Glee.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

“Where has the starlight gone?

Dark is the day

How can I find my way home?

Home is an empty dream

Lost to the night

Father, I feel so alone

You promised you'd be there

Whenever I needed you

Whenever I call your name

You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on

Just waiting to hear your voice

One word, just a word will do

To end this nightmare

When will the dawning break

Oh endless night

Sleepless I dream of the day

When you were by my side

Guiding my path

Father, I can't find the way”

On and on, and on we go.

Hi –

I wonder where it started that as a society we put so much pressure on the concept of the ‘New Year’. Why does pretty much everyone think that just because it’s a new year things will be different. Or they will some how improve. I’m not sure I buy that.

I’m laying in my bed, in the dark, watching my DVR, nothing different than the nights before.

As far as I can tell nothing at all is different. I’m still me, you’re still gone, and I’m still lost.

Someone once said to me that this was already written in the stars. That this was always how it was going to be. And that was part of the reason we had the relationship we had, and loved the way we did. Because this was always going to happen and I would have all our memories too look back on. Sometimes in the quiet of the night that helps, and sometimes I just feel more robbed. At any given moment, on any given day, you are all I think about.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“And this is why my eyes are closed

It's just as well for all I've seen

And so it goes, and so it goes

And you're the only one who knows”