Sadness or Euphoria

Hi –

I had quite the fantastic day, if I do say so myself.

It started with some lovely conversation via text, and then things just kept falling into place all day.  Thanks for that. Since once again I'm choosing to believe that you are part of the reason things are coming together.

I sort of feel like I'm standing on the edge of something. I’m making a lot of big changes in my life in the next few months and they are starting now. Things feel different, like a tide is turning perhaps.

It could be because we are slowly approaching the 6-month mark, and with that comes some belief that I should be ‘better’ by now. Not a belief I technically have, but I think its one of those random landmarks that one doctor came up with somewhere, and every one bought in to. After 6 months you can start making decisions, and changing things, and you should feel better and less depressed – yada yada yada.

There might be something to it though I suppose. I mean these people do get paid a hell of a lot more to do their jobs than I get to do mine. I can say that I think the ground I'm standing on feels a little stronger lately. And that I’m beginning to trust in myself again. As always – who knows though? Is it because 6 months is magical? Or is it because I'm working through my death and dying stages and slowly progressing towards the allusive ‘acceptance?’

I have a feeling I won’t know until it’s too late.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark and deep

Inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullaby

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullaby’s go on and on...

They never die

That's how you

And I

Will be”