Random Thought

Hi –

Not sure why but I was compelled to Google ‘grief’ tonight. Now that grief and I have an intimate relationship, I find myself trying to remember what I used to think this moment would be like. In my mind growing up I always used to play the game, how would I react if ‘X’ happened. I don’t think I ever played this specific version out in my head, but I can tell you its not what I expected – even though I have no way of accessing what my expectations were.  Dad used to always try to get me to do that. After something happened in which there was a lot of planning or waiting, after it was all over, he would ask me to remember what my expectations for the event were – and I never could.

Back to grief though – on the Google health page the definition is, “Grief is a reaction to a major loss. It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion.” Pretty clear cut and impersonal. If you keep reading the page it says, “Everyone feels grief in their own way. However, there are certain stages to the process of mourning. It starts with recognizing a loss and continues until a person eventually accepts that loss.” This is where I think it gets interesting – define accepts?

Acceptance is never defined. In any of the stuff I’ve read, any of the conversations I’ve had, time I spent thinking to myself – this holy grail of acceptance is always talked about, but never defined. How will I ever know if I’ve gotten there?

(Now queue up Whitney’s ‘How Will I Know?’ and you’ll have your glance into my head)

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel