Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream....

Hi –

Sometimes late at night when I’m trying to fall asleep I lay in bed, and I can see my life 15 years from now.  The picture is always a little fuzzy, and I can’t exactly make out what I’m doing or who I’m with, but what always comes across clear as day, is that I’m happy.  I can tell that I’ve made it to a point where I think I might be content. Then I look to the side and I can tell that you’re missing; I can feel your absence somehow.

I guess that’s how my life will play out, and already has started to somewhat. I will be happy; I am now. I will find love, have a family, and live out my life. But I’ll be in those moments, and at the same time be out of them looking for you off to the side. It will be my rock in my pocket.

In other news I think I have set a record for mistakenly dialing your work and cell phone number in a week, and its only Tuesday. Every time I’ve done it was when I was trying to call Dad. I would have a thought in my head, pick up the phone and start dialing without even realizing it. I never completed your numbers, so I guess that’s something.

I’ve done nothing in the way of packing up any of my belongings, so I’m obviously awesome on that front. As well as I haven’t been able to fall asleep before 1am for days now.  And with that thought I’m going to go to bed now, in the hopes that I fall asleep in the next hour.

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

“Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise”

Na na na, na-na na na. Na-na na na, hey Jude

Hi –

I just finished watching “The Kennedy Center Honors” on TV and there was this amazing moment at the end during the Paul McCartney portion where the entire audience was singing along and jamming out to Steven Tyler’s version of 'Hey Jude'. It was completely amazing. I wish I was doing something with my life that was going to leave that sort of impact. I can only hope that he was enjoying it just as much and not thinking ‘wow, Steven Tyler really? They couldn’t find someone else.” Because that would totally suck. I imagine the after party to the event to be pretty good as well. Especially after being all hyped up and everything. It really was this incredible moment.

Merle Haggard was honored as well, and Vince Gill did the introduction part. He talked about how Merle’s dad died very unexpectedly when he was younger and how that clouded everything else that happened in his life. It was quite a poignant moment. Because your death now clouds everything in my life. Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about that. How time isn’t helping. How its making things worse in a way. The more time that goes by the less a chance this is a bad dream; or a sick joke.

There are times when I find myself all of a sudden transported out of the situation I’m in and observing it from a distance. Finding the ways it would be different if you were still here. Analyzing everything happening in that moment trying to imagine if it would be the same or different. If there would just be another seat at the table for you; or if the entire table would be different.

I’m in the midst of changing everything about my life and sometimes I’m fully committed to the decision and I’m 150% happy about it. Then other times I wonder if it’s just another way for me to prolong being an active participant to my life. That’s assuming what I’m doing now is not active – which I have no idea if it is or not. All I know is its 1:30, everyone else is asleep, and I’m up writing this to you. I’m going to Orlando tomorrow for New Years and I’m 85% stoked about it, 15% wanting to lay on the couch and not get up until the 2^nd when I have to go back to NYC. At least the odds are in Orlando’s favor. That’s a good sign.

I do want to move there and start another chapter of my life, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s the chicken’s way out. No way to know really.

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

"Yesterday,

All my troubles seemed so far away,

Now it looks as though they're here to stay,

Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

I'm not half the man I used to be,

There's a shadow hanging over me,

Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.

I said, Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,

Love was such an easy game to play,

Now I need a place to hide away,

Oh, I believe in yesterday. "