100 posts later, and i'm still here....

Hi –

So this is post 100. I guess that is some sort of accomplishment. Perhaps a ‘go me’ is in order.

I broke up with Judith today. I really didn’t feel like I was getting anything out of going to her, so I very politely told her that. I told her it might have been too early for me to be seeing someone. I explained how intellectually I understand that you are gone, but emotionally I don’t get it. Emotionally I think it’s just the most ridiculous thing I have EVER heard. She didn’t understand what I was saying to her. I guess that right there is a huge sign that maybe we were not meant to be therapist and patient.

She got very stuck on my use of the word ridiculous to describe how I feel about everything. She kept asking what I meant, what does ridiculous mean. I told her I could Google it for her if she liked – that probably was a bit smart-assish of me. I tried to explain that it was ridiculous in the sense that my entire life changed in a split second. How all my hopes and dreams for the future were now different. How you wouldn’t be there to see me get married one day, or how my children would not have a grandma on my side – that is all ridiculous. She still didn’t seem to get it. Either that or she’s really good at the whole devils advocate thing.

She did tell me that I was a very difficult patient to have. How she felt I brought 10% to the sessions and she was bringing 90%. And how she was always searching for things to talk to me about, and that was one of the reasons she always brought up men. Because that was an area of my life that seemed to not be as developed as others and that it might need some attention. I told her for the millionth time that that was just not how I think or act. I did not go about my day to day activities with a goal of meeting a man. And that I generally don’t like people who operate that way.

The word detached came up again. I explained my theory that another reason I thought I was having a hard time with all of this, was because I didn’t have something that needed to be ‘fixed’ or ‘worked through.’ That there was no changing this fact about my life. It is what it is. She said that’s a very detached attitude. So be it I suppose. I find that I do say ‘it is what it is’ quite a bit. But I can’t help it, it is. If there was a way to change it, believe me I would be doing it.

She also said I was very closed off, and hiding behind an ‘everything is ok’ mindset. Again entirely possible. I’m not discrediting her and what she saw in me. I’m just thinking that perhaps for right now, its working and I’m going to run with it.

The one thing she said to me that I really was miffed about was during a moment when we were talking about how I felt the tragicness of everything would never lessen. She disagreed. She felt that in time life wouldn’t feel as tragic; and I wouldn’t feel as cheated. I explained that I felt that from here on out there wouldn’t be a day that passed where something would happen that I wouldn’t immediately want to run to tell you about; and that very fact alone was tragic.

So we parted ways. Probably for the best. She wished me all the luck, and I her. She said I was a bright young lady and hoped good things came my way. And that was that. It was what it was.

So here I am – 100 posts later. Detached, a bit. Ridiculous, perhaps. But eagerly anticipating SantaCon on Saturday and Meredith’s arrival tomorrow.

Love you forever, miss you much

Rachel

Ridiculous – as an adjective: causing or worthy of ridicule or derision; absurd; preposterous; laughable.

Some synonyms - nonsensical, ludicrous, funny, droll, comical, farcical.