Hi –
A part of me thinks these next 3 days might be more difficult to get through that the first 3 days after you died. Those first 3 days were hazy, and everything seemed to move in slow motion and look fake. Now, I cant help but be constantly reminded that your gone and thinking your missing this all.
I’ve made all the lists I can think of, done all the shopping there is to do, and now I’m left with free time. Randi is going to come over tomorrow and we are going to bake all day – that should help. Having Randi around helps. I can feel myself anchored to her, if that makes sense. As long as she’s around something is like is used to be. I wish Rab were here too.
Grandma asked me for a nail file today – I didn’t have one, and I had absolutely no idea where any would be in the house. Definitely not in the top left drawer in your bathroom.
I almost lost it on Matt today – I should probably apologize. It was just me taking out my grief and longing on him. He actually didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just trying really hard to make this a semi-enjoyable holiday for us all. I know its not going to be perfect, and I’m OK with that. Perfect is overrated. My biggest concern is that the food taste good. As long as that happens I think we are good. The more I try though, the more I miss you. Your food would have tasted delicious. It always did.
I’m going to head to bed now. Its late, and I have an appointment with Michael for him to look at my toe and hopefully work some magic. I’m making daddy come with me because I'm really scared it’s going to hurt badly. Think happy non-painful thoughts.
Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel
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