Little Miss who you are, is so much more than you like to talk about.

Hi –

There have been a couple of times lately where I find myself observing the situation I’m in and wondering what I’m doing there or how I got there. I find myself not entirely understanding my current state of affairs. I wonder why I have the friends I have, and if they would notice if one day I just wasn’t there anymore. Not because something bad happened to me, just because I wasn’t there. More times than I would care to admit the answer I find myself coming to is no – they wouldn’t notice.

There is this song that’s been playing nonstop on country radio called ‘Country Strong’. It’s from the new Gwyneth Paltrow movie. In the song is this one line that speaks to me:

“Yeah, on the outside I look fragile
, but on the inside is something you can’t crush”

Not because I think its describing me, but because I think I’m the completely opposite. In the last 3 months I’ve built this fairly indestructible wall but on the inside I’m totally broken. As the days pass by I feel a little bit of my carefully constructed wall cracking. I think its only a matter of time before the cracks are too big to will back together.

Yesterday I was in the car driving out to Rabs for dinner and Sugarland’s ‘Little Miss’ came on the radio and I almost totally lost it. I felt the lump in my throat coming up but I pushed it back down. All I could think was just get to Rabs. Everything will be better there.

A while ago I remember telling you how I had stopped going out to Rabs house because it made be feel homesick. I would look around at everyone and the lives they had created, and listen to the bickering, and want that for you and me. Maybe not everything exactly the same. But I would have given anything to live next door to you and spend our days being Mom, Daughter, and Granddaughter.  Now though, I can’t wait to get back there. I want to spend all my time there. It’s were I’m the most calm. Where my head clears the most and everything is quiet.

In other news, I’m officially sick. I’m also watching Meridith sit on her suitcase in an effort to zip it close. I should probably offer her some help but the visual is much more enjoyable. I’ve pumped myself full of all things healthy in an effort to kick this cold. I’m worried I’ll be quarantined from Kalel. That would be devastating. And on that note I’m going to drug myself into a peaceful sleep. (Hopefully).

Love you forever, miss you always

Rachel

PS. Meridith was successful in her suitcase battle. However, after success was reached she realized she left her shoes out. So the entire process restarted.