While on a jet plane to SFO

Hi –

I’m currently sitting in an aisle seat on an American Airlines flight on my way to San Fran to meet Kalel. I’m a mix of excitement and total anxiety, shocker I know. Me, Rachel Rosenthal, anxious about something. I’ve never held a newborn before though, although at 3 weeks old are you still a newborn? How long does that title last for? Regardless, I’ve never held anything younger than 10 months or so. At least that’s what I think. That’s how old Hudson was when I saw him in September, and I’m pretty sure there haven’t been any other babies in my life. There was Adam when he was younger, but I was so young too that I had to do the whole sitting on the couch surrounded by pillows hold. And I have no recollection of it; I’ve just seen the pictures.

Back to Kalel though, what if he totally and completely hates me and proceeds to cry every time I go near him  - that will blow. And make for a really annoying next 6 days. They can smell fear though, so I’ll have to calm myself down before I see him. Also dad wasn’t sure how the whole picking me up from the airport was going to go down, if it was just going to be him or if was going to be everyone in the car. So part of my concern is that I’m not sure about what to expect when I get off the phone, and we all know how I feel about that. I like to be properly prepared for my life.

In other news the date for SantaCon was announced and it really couldn’t be more perfect. It’s going to be December 11^th. Which works out perfectly. Phillip and Dee are having their Hanukkah party on Dec 18^th, so I told grandma I wanted to do ours on Dec 26^th. She was going to check with Phillip Zelman to make sure that works for him. As long as it does – I’m about to have a fairly full December lined up. Obviously with SantaCon taking priority. I think I'm going to go as an Elf this year. What do you think?

I left Carly at my apartment today; she’s going to stay one more night and then head to DC for Parents Weekend at her school. Angela is also performing in her school’s production of Nine so everyone is going to be up there for that too – she should have a good weekend. I had a really good time having her around, I hope she enjoyed herself. 

We did some talking, which I’m sure was part of the intention of her trip. To be around for if and when I was ready to talk.  (the 2 month mark has come and gone) Not that I have much to say these days. But we did some talking last night. She said something that I could get on board with. We were talking about how I haven’t really cried all that much, and she said well maybe that’s because her and everyone (Meridith, Randi, Rab, Kahni, Piper, Joyce, Paula, etc) have been crying enough for themselves and me. That they are using all my tears. I can buy that.  

I picked back up the worst and most appropriately titled book again “Motherless Daughters” I’ve been reading about the various stages of grieving a daughter goes through and how they are not a continuous line to be completed in order, but that the stages are more something you hop around. Going from denial to rage to sadness to acceptance, than back to rage while throwing in some anger, and perhaps back to acceptance, but then quickly going to denial again.  And its slightly annoying to read actually because I’ve got no rage or anger happening and I somehow feel like that’s wrong. That I should be angry because that’s what’s expected, but I just don’t have it in me I guess. I’m not really an ‘angry’ person. I guess that acupuncture woman who looked at my tongue and told me I was angry was actually wrong.

I used to be angry. I used to get angry about a lot of things, and full of rage, and I would yell. Man was I a good yeller; I could get a nice high pitch going. But it was the sort of anger that as soon as I got all fired up it would just as quickly burn out. I didn’t stay angry for long. I have such distinct memories of Grandma Henny looking at me and shaking her head saying “God help the man who marries you” because my voice could get so loud and high pitched. 

But yeah, I don’t have anger in me now. I have sadness, and perhaps anger is the other side of the coin. And one day my sadness will change to anger, but right now I can’t relate. Being angry just seems so counter-productive to healing and moving on.  I’ve been around people who are filled with anger about things not having to do with death and it takes so much out of you. Hate and Anger are ugly things that you chose to be, and they consume so much about a person, and drive all their interactions and decisions. I can’t imagine being angry right now. This death that we are all dealing with is not something anyone would have ‘chosen’ so I feel like why would I ‘chose’ anger as a way to deal. Just doesn’t make sense for me. 

Carly also brought up the point that growing up I was always SO concerned about ‘the other shoe dropping’ in my life. How I used to say part of the reason I was so neurotic and crazy and full of anxiety was because I had lived a seemingly perfect life. I had these 2 amazing parents who were head over heels in love with each other, and crazy about my brother and I. I had this brother who would have moved heaven and earth for me if I asked him to, even if on the outside he always seemed annoyed by me. I never really wanted for anything besides superficial nonsense. I lived this really great life, and I knew intellectually it was only a matter of time. So I was always waiting. Well I guess it’s pretty clear I’m no longer waiting – that shoe fell fast and hard, and might have smacked me on the head during its decent to the ground.  I feel like it might have even left a dent on my head when it smacked me, an outward sign that I’m forever a broken person from here on out. 

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel