Really?? Vraiment?? Realmente?? Wirklich??

Hi –

I feel like every time I sit down to write all that comes out is how amazed I am that this is where my life is right now, and how I don’t get it. But it’s the complete truth. I just don’t understand.

I had a conversation today with Dad about paying my own cell phone bill, and how it was the most ludicrous thing I had ever heard. Yes I’m 26 and have a job, but you paid my cell phone bill. Because you knew otherwise I would have a text only phone or something equally as ridiculous. But you’re not here anymore, so I guess logically that means I should pay for my phone, but see that doesn’t compute in my head. I keep coming back to – what do you mean your not here anymore?

I guess up until today I was pretty much able to deny the entire thing had ever happened. Granted I went to your funeral, and did that whole song and dance, but honestly my day-to-day life had not been changed besides talking to you on the phone. If you can believe it, this is the first outward sign that you’re gone. How insane is that? The fact that I have to pay for my own cell phone bill is what is making me realize everything. And let me tell you I’m pissed. I feel pretty belligerent about the whole thing. What do you mean I have to pay for my own cell phone, that’s just the most ridiculous thing I have EVER heard, my mom does that for me.

So now I’m sitting on the couch pouting about the whole thing. I realize I’m completely and utterly ridiculous.

So – for something less ridiculous a guest blog. From someone who whether she realizes it or not, does fix me.

Love you forever, miss you always.

Rachel

Hey Sis- Well, here we are- you and I- us and the world. The world that has become so different in the almost two months since that day. That day filled with a lot of WHATS? And I don’t understands. I know this goes without saying but I have to say it because you know how I like to state the obvious when I’m not just making shit up- I love you and I am here with you. Not FOR you solely, but with you, because I need you just like I know you need me. Sometimes my heart hurts so much and it is hard to tell if I’m hurting for my own hurt or so you don’t have to.

I bought you a card. I have mixed feelings about sending it. One day I may send it. I figured, we buy each other cards for every other event in our lives… why not this one? Why are other people expected to send you a card but it is weird to come from your best friend? Well, it may not infact be weird. I just need to get over this feeling of “maybe sending a card means this is real." For the time being, I like visiting that island of denial that you Rab and Randi are habitating with the cabana boy.

In the seconds, minutes, days and months that have passed I have often thought of those things I will say to you that will make this disappear like if we were pouring a hot beverage into the mug that you so cleverly designed with the map from Harry Potter, the one Khani gave to all the Miller’s for Christmas that one year. I find a lot of things that seem pertinent in music, in the lines of our favorite television shows, some classic movies on netflix, and day to day life. I also always tell myself in those moments I should write them down so I can fill them into our daily conversations. I don’t- so don’t fear the cluster of emotional tidbits I could’ve potentially thrown your way. You are welcome. So while those things seem pertinent and relevant at the time as attempts at making our world better none have seemed more pertinent than Fix You by Coldplay. Yes, I know… sounds cheesy, cliché, etc and all those things I seek not to be.

Let me give you some background- remember that time I texted you that your mom had facebook messaged me about a shark knock joke? And you were like “no, maybe my dad thought it was Sarah Hooker” I thought that sounded odd because I’m pretty sure knows the difference between Hooker and Rosenthal. Well, you were so good in that moment… promptly calling your mom and getting it all sorted out. When in fact it was Dad on Mom’s account and knowingly sending me a message about the shark joke from back in the day when you all and Sarah Hooker would go to theme parks and wait in lines for rollercoasters. In the next day or two I got around to responding and I of course brought up in the response my mutual love with your parents of SYTYCD. Mom responded back to me with and how your dad and her hadn’t gotten around to watching all of the season but did catch the finale and she gave me her take on the fantastic dancing that occurred (we did not talk about Ellen, although I wish I had her opinion on that). Well, one thing led to another and BOY do I wish I had responded to her sooner/at all. I meant to before I went to visit you in New York, and then deadlines happened and so I put it off until I got back from our weekend o fun. Well then… that’s enough background.

So this song the first time I heard it was on SYTYCD. The routine is about a boy trying to fix his mom (quite literally the choreographer and his mom who had a big important surgery). While we know that most things make me cry like a baby… this especially did. Perhaps it’s the combination of fast movement by the dancers and the bridge of the song. Perhaps it’s the lyrics and the underlying truth of my nature that I wish I could fix the world of all the hurt, grossness and injustice, whatever it is--- it drove into my core so much that I can’t ever watch the dance again because it has instilled a cathartic reaction into my soul.

Well, as we both know I went to the SYTYCD Tour tonight. Thankfully I was not the oldest person there without a teenage children and high five to NOT having a teenage child at all. And well, it seems that routine touched many other as well that it was performed for me right in front of my face LIVE. I did all I could to muzzle myself and not explode into a blubbering mess, like we know I can. I diverted my eyes, I tried thinking about how I could beat that next level of angry birds without succumbing to the temptations of an Angry Bird video walkthrough. I was successful until that bridge part where the music picks up and its like a cluster eff of emotion with the dancers legs connecting and the girl character can stand on her own two feet again. But then the song goes back to reality and the girl is still in need of help and I am left with tears streaming down my face realizing how this pertains to now. I just want to fix you. And in the effort to fix you, it’ll fix me. I will be here as that light to guide you home, to ignite your bones and fix you. But in return you are my light that is guiding me home in order to fix me. Our friendship is built on heartstrings and these days when I feel mine tug I know yours are tugging at the other end. 

Love you

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Fix You by Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse 

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I... 

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you