365 days later....

Hi –

365 days, 8760 hours, 525 600 minutes, 31 536 000 seconds – thank you Google.

I feel like my life will forever be measured by this date. When you are younger the school year really dictates your life. As you get older you try to go by the calendar year, but the partier in you still thinks about spring break and summer vacation. Now though, all I can think about is the 18^th. At first it was the 18^th of each month, and now I feel like things will be measured by how many years ago you died.

I want to have some sort of peaceful feeling come over me tomorrow. I want to think well I did this for a year; I should be able to keep doing this. I don’t think that will happen. I think it only gets harder really. There is so much pressure put on the first year that the rest of the years are forgotten about really.  Right now you’ve only missed out on one birthday, one thanksgiving, one Hanukkah, one Passover. Next it will be two birthdays, 2 Passovers, and then 3, and soon 10. You will only miss out on more things, not less. The list I’m keeping in the back of my mind will only get longer. I don’t see how that will get any easier.

There was this brief moment on Monday when I felt the entire world falling apart. I was exhausted, and overly emotional. I was in Kahni’s kitchen with Meridith and Carly doing dishes. Or they were, I was half ass drying and putting things away. I left misplaced items all over Kahni’s kitchen, I’m sure she loved that. I was standing there goofing off, making jokes and comments getting quite the kick out of myself. Showing off my awesomely fantastic dance moves to no one, when Danny caught a glimpse of me through the kitchen window. I doubled over laughing at his face and my ridiculousness. I was laughing so hard that I started crying, and just like that I could feel these huge body-shaking sobs breaking through. Carly and Meridith were staring at me confused and slightly concerned. Tory and Lily came in to see what all the racket was about and there I was hunched over laughing, crying, and trying with all my power to get them to believe I was fine. That I was just tired and crying from laughing, and nothing more. This entire exchange happened in the span of a minute, but as I felt the sobs coming time froze. All I could think was ‘not now, not now. But wait yes now, yes now. This will be good for you, healthy, releasing. This will get ugly quick, push it down, push it down.’ Guess who won – down it all went. Into the black parts of my soul somewhere. I’ve had a headache ever since.

I think somewhere in the back of my mind I thought this year mark would never really come, so I didn’t think much about it. I never really believed you were really gone, and I still don’t. So the fact that tomorrow is a year doesn’t seem to make all that much sense to me.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how the day plays out. I’ve got big plans though. Kite flying in the morning, movie watching in the afternoon, and flank steak eating at night. Dad and Grandma are here to share in these activities as well. If nothing else at least we will all be together.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel