And the Mirror Ball Trophy goes to...

Hi –

For some strange reason I find myself completely enthralled with this season of ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ I’ve always enjoyed the show because I love to watch people dance, but there is something about this season. Every Tuesday I find myself watching the dances from Monday first thing in the morning. The only reason I can come up with is I think you might have been mildly interested as well. I know you wouldn’t have watched it religiously or anything, (you never really watched reality TV), but I know we would have talked about it somewhat. I mean Jennifer Grey was in this season, baby herself, we would have gossiped about her for sure. If not Bristol Palin. The only reason this is even on my mind is because I’ve actually just stopped the 'Good Wife' from recording so that I could watch the last 20 minutes of the Dancing Finale. I was also recording ‘Sons of Anarchy’ and there was NO way I was stopping that. I apparently JUST need to know.

Moving on though. The past 2 days have been particularly annoying and more than once I thought I was going to lose it. There was this moment were I was beyond annoyed at something Harry Potter related, completely overwhelmed with my to do list, and completely occupied by thoughts of you that I started to breathe a little deeper and I could feel my thoughts being pulled towards this empty place. I felt like I was back standing in front of Ghirardelli on the phone with Uncle Skippy. Then just as quickly it was gone and I was back staring at my email annoyed with work again.

Good news – Jennifer Grey won Dancing with the Stars.  All is right in the world. I’m going to watch Son’s now.

Love you forever, Miss you always

Rachel

It's like riding a bike, or a horse - you pick!

Hi,

So I just finished the season premiere of Sons of Anarchy and I have no idea how I'm going to make it to next Tuesday for the next episode. This watching one a week in live time is for the birds. Next Tuesday feels just as far away as Sept 20th when the season premiere of House is. I'm also equally as stoked and anxious about that one. (insert Seema's eye roll. She just can't behind House and Cuddy like I can)

I went back to work today. It was part fairly easy and part really difficult. On more than one occasion I looked down at my desk phone and felt the urge to call your office. Only to be reminded that there would be no one on the other line. Matt said whenever I get that urge I can call him. I of course neglected to tell him that the feeling usually comes at 11am eastern time, right about when my morning tasks are done and I'm taking a break before diving into a project of some sort. I'm sure my phone call would be his wake up call and I have a feeling that's not exactly how he wants to be starting his day.

I made it till 3:30 at work - I thought that was pretty good. I was sitting there looking at my outlook trying to figure out what to do next and I started to get a bit teary eyed. I guess that was the beginning of the proverbial brick wall I've been hearing so much about. I went back to my apartment after that in the hopes of taking a nap but sleep alluded me. Instead I watched some DVR'd things and brought that percentage full number down a bit. I get a little anxious when it gets above 60%. I worry it might delete things before I've had the chance to re-watch them for the 100th time.

Talked to Dad today around 4ish. He too had left work a bit early and was laying in bed trying to take a nap - I'm sure he was more successful then I was. I need to call Grandma. The night got away from me today, but I'll do it tomorrow AM. I hope she went back to playing bridge this week, I know she hadn't yet when I had left.

I was invited to Elyn's for dinner tomorrow night, but I'm going to pass. I don't think I'm that OK and ready to face people. There's only so many times in a day I can say "I'm OK" and do my little head nod, and I have a feeling I'll have filled my quota pre-dinner.  I do however think I'm going to go buy a yartzite candle tomorrow and light it. I wonder if Duane Reade (our version of Walgreen's) sells them, otherwise I'm not 100% sure where to look. I'll have to do some googling.

I also stopped by the Pub today. That went a lot smoother than I thought it was going to go. I told them I'd probably go back to work mid-October some time. There's no real point in having them put me back on the schedule anytime soon seeing as how I have weekend plans from now all the way through the first weekend of October. - Which side note - I STILL haven't received either my invitation or rehearsal dinner invite to Brian's wedding. No idea what is happening there. I better get the right meals. I called Brian and gave him my choices. Someone needs to get their act together.

Well, now I'm just rambling. I guess I should go to sleep. Here's to a better day tomorrow, and making it till at least 4:30. I believe having realistic goals is really whats important. Hopefully the tires in the bike I'll be riding are full in the morning and I do a better job of dodging those brick walls. Randi suggested I trade my Schwinn in for an ET bike, I'm thinking that might not be such a bad idea.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

Full House

Yo -

The house is full again. Carly and Kahni are back again, and Grandma is going to stay for the weekend again as well. There is laughter and chatter and a general din of noise happening. If I close my eyes I can hear your voice amongst the noise. Your laughter mixed in with Kahni's and Randi's. And for a minute I'm fully happy and involved and not wanting and missing and wondering what the hell just happened to me.

Now though as the house is quite and I sit here listening to Meridith and Carly figure out how to turn the closed captioning off I'm emotionally exhausted. I've been holding it together for a while now and I want to let it out but I can't. I'll never get it back. My eyes are slowly filling with tears and i type this and I sniff trying to pass it off as just the stuffy nose I've had for the past couple of days. (I'm pretty sure they aren't buying it).

I've decided that I really enjoy washing dishes. It allows me a moment to decompress amongst the craziness of everything without raising any red flags. Everyone just thinks I'm washing dishes because it needs to be done, not that I actually like it. Although with this I've officially given my secret away.

I've done a pretty good job of avoiding everyone and everything except what was existing inside this house for the past week. Well this house and the 2 mile radius around our house which consists of Target, Chick-Fil-A, and Blockbuster. I know I need to venture out and slowly ease back into the swing of things but I'm not quite there yet. Or at all really but I guess no time like the present. Whatever. Who ever has come up with those stupid one liners should be shot. They don't help anyone except the person who says them. But I'm pretty sure even after that person has said them they feel stupid - or at least they should I've decided.

Onto other earth shattering news - Meridith and I have finished our Sons of Anarchy marathon and are officially ready for season 3 which starts on Tuesday and I can't wait for it. I'm no excited. The season finale was really good - pretty unbelievable.  I'm chomping at the bit to see the season premiere. I'm pretty excited about House too. and Private Practice. There are a ton of shows actually. I don't think I've been this excited for Fall TV to come back since The West Wing was on TV and gun shots had just been heard at the Town Hall meeting.

OK - off to bed. Still not sleeping well so I need all the hours I can get to toss and turn in the hopes that some of them will equal sleep. Plus Sex and the City the movie is on in the background and I'm truly not a fan of Jennifer Hudson - at all. Moving on.

Love you forever, Miss you always,
Rachel

Social interactions are for the birds

Hi Mom -

In between episodes of Sons of Anarchy Meridith and I went to dinner with Lindsay, Amy, and Kelly - the fantastic trio. It was quite possibly one of the most awkward encounters ever. Everyone feeling like they should say something heartfelt or meaningful. Me feeling hoping they wouldn't say anything at all and we could just move on past it. It’s a vicious cycle. Dad says its gets better with each time you hang out with the same people. Too bad I won’t be seeing them again - but I'll be seeing a ton of new people back in NYC. I sure can't wait for that.

It’s just such a bizarre, weird, awkward, fill in your choice synonym, situation to be in. I'm sitting around this table of people who think they are affected by this event but they really have no idea. My entire life just changed, took a flying leap in a completely different direction, and they think they can understand. I get that they are trying to be sympathetic and help but it sort of falls short a bit. 

I can feel judgment coming across the table with the way I'm dealing I suppose. They have no idea though, no concept of what this is like. Neither do I for that matter. Its not like I’ve been here before. Or read a book about it. I'm just making my way through the best I can. And if it’s by cracking jokes then so be it. What’s the saying - If you can't laugh, you'll be crying. Or something along those lines. It’s either one or the other. And right now laughing is the path I’m taking, because I have a feeling I’ll be doing quite a bit of crying sometime soon.

Dad went back to bowling tonight. He was in a bit of pain - but I think its more using muscles he hasn’t used in a long time pain. And less he can't bowl any more pain. Only time will tell I suppose. I'm glad he went though - at least now he has a weekly activity to do. Something to focus on. Who knows. He seemed to be excited about it - before he went anyway. He might feel differently in the morning though, we shall see.

We're going to clean out your closet this weekend. Lizzie told me that she knows someone who can make blankets with any items I want to keep and to keep my eyes open for any cool textures or prints or soft materials. I think that’s a really great idea so I'm excited about that. If there is someplace we shouldn't be looking or a drawer we shouldn't open could you send a sign or something. Because that would be quite embarrassing for everyone involved. Thanks!

Love you forever, Miss you always.

Rachel

Adam Arkin

Hi -

Real quick I have to tell you ---  I'm fully engrossed in the Sons of Anarchy marathon happening right now. And who shows up but Adam Arkin playing a reoccurring role as a bad guy and I'm fairly torn up about it. He's always a the good guy - I hate when actors do that. I know they are trying to stretch their acting skills and show what they are capable of - but now I'll never be able to believe him as a good guy. You know how I feel about that. I have the same feelings towards Gerard Depardiu. Ever since that Diane Keaton movie I can't think of him as a good guy.

Till later tonight.

Love you forever, miss you always
Rachel

SAMCRO

Hey Mom -

You might be wondering what those letters stand for - well its Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Originals. And I am OBSESSED. I have recently discovered the FX show Sons of Anarchy and I'm loving every minute of it. Meridith and I have watched the entire season 1 in the last 2 days and have now moved onto Season 2. Which we had to actually purchase because blockbuster doesn't let you rent it. Its quite ridiculous if you ask me. Dad paid for it though whether he knows it or not. The other day he gave me an AMEX gift card for something and I just used it again for this.

Katey Segal is in it and she sort of plays the mother bear to the motorcycle club, and I have a soft spot in my heart for her since she was a Harlette for Bette. Shes great in it though - plays a total bitch and very well I might add. Her highlights give her this trashy feel which I'm sure is what shes going for but it just must suck when they aren't filming - that she has to walk around like that.

Dad's pretty into it to, but I think he has seen episodes here and there so he watches with us sometimes and not others. The really good news though is that Season 3 starts next week on FX and I can guarantee that we will be up to date by then.

As you can see I've had a very exciting day. Really earth shattering.

I did venture outside of the house today though and picked up the Opal from the jewelers. So that's all mine now. Doesn't feel like it though - definitely feels like I slipped it off your finger and I'm playing pretend with it like I used to. Its so sparkly though, and I love it.  I feel like I read somewhere that you aren't supposed to wear Opals unless its your birthstone, otherwise it brings bad luck. Well to the hell with it, I'm pretty sure my luck doesn't get any worse then where it is at the moment - so its only up from here.

On that note, short and sweet tonight. I'm in desperate need of some actual sleep. I've been having a hard time sleeping and end up tossing and turning most of the night. Then I crash hard during the day with a nap on the couch - I'm sure its not all that good for me. So here's hoping the 2 sleeping pills I just took kick in rather soon.

Love you forever, miss you always.
Rachel